Recognizing my triggers

[Want2know]

I haven't posted much about my dad, but thought this was a good place to post my dilemma of the day.

My dad has N traits, not sure if I'd consider him NPD, but he's close enough.

I am in the process of moving and selling my house.  He lives about 6 hours away, and is coming to visit me today for the weekend to "assess" my situation.  I really didn't want him to come, but he insisted.  That's part of my issue... .  he likes to pull these control moves, like I have no say in the matter (at age 48).

I know that most people might be thankful that their dad cares enough to come and offer help, but my feeling is more dread than anything, which sucks.  

Our history is sketchy.  He has made some decisions in life that have caused me a great deal of pain growing up.  My parents got divorced when I was in 6th grade, and he proceeded to have a few really dysfunctional relationships where these women lived with us (I lived with my dad after the divorce, not by my choice).  Both women had drinking problems and never fully accepted my sister and I.  My mom and dad are not drinkers, so I never had to deal with people like that before.

Basically, my dad was MIA most of the time working - understandable, so we were left to be raised by these women.  I can't even begin to tell you the crap that I endured from them in their daily drunken stupors, but I'm sure you can imagine.  One thing I will tell you is that my dad did marry one of them, who lived with us from grade 9 to after I graduated from high school.  I chose to go to a college that was far away.  Anyway, the one he married had 2 of her own kids, with her ignoring my sisters and my needs on a regular basis and focusing on theirs.  My sister is 3 years younger, so I was the one to look out for the both of us.  I tried to tell my dad what went on during the times he wasn't there, but he didn't hear me... .  denial, I suppose.

Eventually he ended these relationships, and has been with a good woman for over 25 years, but after I graduated college, I chose to not engage with my father much (controlled contact) and again, moved away to where I am now.

His primary issue was his anger, which he took out on us often.  Add in the controlling aspect and the lack of attention to my sisters and my needs, and well, that's the general picture.  My sister was much more deeply affected by it all... .  she is an alcoholic (clean and sober for over 20 years), who also had a problem with heroin for a spell.  

So, even though I have created some boundaries with him that I have, for the most part, been able to maintain, and I have also processed a lot of what happened and have come to a point of some forgiveness, there is still this dread.  My logical mind tells me not to worry, but my emotional side still feels like the child who was stuck feeling powerless in a dysfunctional household, with his visit being the trigger.

I have been chatting with my friend about it, and she has given me some advice on how to manage his visit.  I think what it comes down to is being authentic with my feelings and being mindful that I am 48 years old and no longer need to answer to him.  I want to have a relationship with him, as I know deep down he is a good man.  He has done some things in life that were good, and I am choosing to believe his intentions for his visit are good.  In looking at the right side of this screen, I would say #18-21 of the Healing stage is where I'm at right now.  

Just getting this out here to help me process it all before he arrives.  

[waverider]

Did you ever really bond with him?

Sometimes if someone never forms a real bond with a parent, they then struggle then to mature the relationship to the point they can let go of their parents authority and take their parents "expert" opinions, just as that "opinions" not dictatums.

Do you still deep down fear his disapproval, and your ingrained feeling you will never get approval?

I bonded well with my parents, then I grew on, and I would not be doing my job if they agreed with me, my job is not to please them, but be me. I am me they are them, the differences are what separates us from clones.

Look after no1 be true to yourself, treat others with respect. Others are in charge of controlling how they interpret you and your actions, not you.

Give him a hug and a kiss and tell him you love him. It's upto him how he interpets that, you did what was right.



Keep an eye out for these critters

[Want2know]

Did you ever really bond with him?

Sometimes if someone never forms a real bond with a parent, they then struggle then to mature the relationship to the point they can let go of their parents authority and take their parents "expert" opinions, just as that "opinions" not dictatums.

Good questions.

When I think back, I do feel like I bonded with him when I was much younger, and my parents were still married.  Those are the good memories I have of him and my relationship with him.  It's the last year or so of my parents marriage, and after, that I have some not so good memories of him.  I'm sure he was struggling with the demise of his marriage (my mom chose to leave because of some of the reasons that I have with him), and his behavior change towards me was partly because of that, so there is some understanding that he is just a person who was dealing with some tough times.

Do you still deep down fear his disapproval, and your ingrained feeling you will never get approval?

Oh yes.  That is the dread.  That he's going to walk into my home and find something that he is disappointed with or doesn't approve of, by his standards, and then I need to deal with that and justify my life to him.  Is this reality?  I'm not sure... .  but, it's the feeling that I'm having.

Overall he is happy I'm moving and going to a new place.  I know that and feel that.  It's something else that I can't quite put my finger on that I'm not sure is based in reality that I'm trying to work through.

[waverider]

Some parents feel the need to criticize just to maintain their place in the pecking order, almost as if its just a cultural custom. Harks, back to Victorian times I think.

You still fear JADE even though you know you should know better.

[Want2know]

You still fear JADE even though you know you should know better.

Yes, this is it. 

Justify Argue Defend Explain

I understand that I don't have to do this, but still feel I do.  Blah! 

I'm guessing it's some insecurity I have about something I am disappointed in with myself that is going to be brought to the surface by him, and scrutinized - even though this may not occur. Basically, he is a symbolic omnipotent figure of my subconscious feelings of self-loathing.  I think I may need to work on this one more in PI, huh? 

[waverider]

[

I understand that I don't have to do this, but still feel I do.  Blah! 

Easy to say, but hard to do if you don't have to practice it everyday

Before he arrives stand in front of the mirror and say 100 times "it is  like that because thats the way I like it"

[Want2know]

Easy to say, but hard to do if you don't have to practice it everyday

Before he arrives stand in front of the mirror and say 100 times "it is  like that because thats the way I like it"

I do so adore you, Waverider.  

Well, I'm going to start by cleaning my house a bit so at least that one will be off the table.  

My friend said that if the time arises where I feel I'm being judged, to address it with him then.  I think I'm going to need to read, for the umteenth time, this one: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind in preparation.

[DreamGirl]

Daddy/Daughter relationships are so hard.

They are our first heroes.

And rarely, if ever, are they able to live up to the role.

I like waverider's suggestion in having a conversation with yourself in the mirror.  

I also suggest some preparation. Some simple mindfulness techniques.

I used to take a bath before I visited my own father (in those last days of his life).  I also used to pay attention to my feet when I started to drift to places I didn't want to go. It sounds silly, but that's my thing, my feet. I stop and pay attention to how tight my shoes feel on my arch, the warmth of my socks, the wiggling of my toes on the inside of my shoe.  It always brings me back to the present (I bet you're trying it right now )  

I also often brought my dog - he calmed me and I could pet him (repetitive-in-the-moment strokes down his sweet little fur) as my dad went on and on about himself like he so often did.

It helped. A lot. Brought me back to baseline.

It was never actually fixed for me, I really struggled being around him and God took him before I ever learned how.  

In my therapy recently, I was encouraged to write a letter - it was a release of "blame".  

Releasing blame = releasing power

He did the best he could... .  but so did I. Neither of us could really live up to the standard we set for each other. We failed miserably at it actually.  

That's OK.

The same with you W2K, you are you... .  and you are pretty great. Even in those moments if/when he does criticize you - it doesn't take away from your greatness. It probably has more to do with him then you'll ever really know - his own fears, his own self-loathing, his own guilt, his own parents even. I know my Dad left me with lots of struggles in my skills as a parent. It has given me a certain empathy for the human part of him that just sucked at being a Dad.  

  

~DreamGirl

[Want2know]

He did the best he could... .  but so did I. Neither of us could really live up to the standard we set for each other. We failed miserably at it actually.  

That's OK.

The same with you W2K, you are you... .  and you are pretty great. Even in those moments if/when he does criticize you - it doesn't take away from your greatness. It probably has more to do with him then you'll ever really know - his own fears, his own self-loathing, his own guilt, his own parents even. I know my Dad left me with lots of struggles in my skills as a parent. It has given me a certain empathy for the human part of him that just sucked at being a Dad.  

Thanks, DG.  

After his arrival and spending some time with him yesterday chatting, I realized that much of what you say is true.  We both had expectations of each other, and there was disappointment on both sides.  I know some of that came from his FOO.  His mom was an alcoholic, and his father had major anger issues.  In some way, he wanted a family that was perfect, kind of a 'do over' from what he experienced growing up.  When that wasn't working out, I think his disappointment was more in that fact than in me.

As far as me, and my comment about self-loathing, well, I think there is some guilt in there from what I experienced growing up.  In some way, I wished I could have corrected what was going on, ie. took better care of my sister instead of seeing her fall into a dark abyss that she struggled to get out of - I couldn't help her.  Thankfully, now, she is a successful poet, has a solid relationship, and even though she still struggles with the past, she has a better perspective on it.  She was one who blacked out much of her childhood.  She and I talk, and she doesn't remember a lot, and what she does eventually remember, it's like she's going through some awakening, and looking at it as an adult now, and able to process it a little better.  I am very proud of her and all she's accomplished.

There is some of that awakening going on with me, too.  I realize how detached I've been for some time now, and feel going through this past year, finally not in any abusive, dysfunctional relationship (2 relationships in succession since 1991), I am realizing how much I have shut off from my past and who I know myself to be.  A lot of processing that I've had to do, still a ways to go, but a light at the end of the tunnel.  I finally feel that I am starting to do things to become more whole - without a partner.  Baby steps... .  

[HowPredictable]

Want2Know,

I'm a little late to the party because your visit with your dad has come and gone. But it sounds like it wasn't terrible, and that you had some minor epiphanies because of it, so that's very good news for you.

I used to have that similar dread when my parents came to visit (they both have strong NPD traits, which is something I realized only about a year ago).   Until I was in a spot to privately declare my amateur diagnosis, I always dreaded their visits, but couldn't put my finger on why.   Now I see their behaviour clearly, things like classic N attention-seeking and triangulation.  Knowing what/who they are really allows me to step back and not allow these things to bother me anymore.  In fact, it's almost become a little exercise in psychological observation:  at family functions I can sit back and think to myself "Oh, there's Dad pulling his classic attention-seeking stuff... .  there's mom having a little rageful reaction to a percived N injury... .  ".  I watch the dysfunctional "show" almost with bemusement now.

It's like a light switch went off, I no longer take any of it personally, understand that it's not directed *AT* me, and that really they cannot help themselves (unless they suddenly develop self-awareness and insight and go to therapy for the next dozen years, which is highly unlikely at their age).   So there is no internalization of their conduct, and certainly no JADE anymore.   Maybe that's how you have to view your visits with your dad.   Consider him a stranger of sorts, someone who you know is not healthy-minded, and watch him with a dispassionate eye and with a minimum of emotional interaction.

Your post also includes a bit of regret at events at the past, which is understandable.  (And I'm sorry for your upbringing, it sounds horrible).   My comment on that point is trite, but true:   You cannot change those things, and I guess you should try to ruminate on them only as long as you really need to.   The final leg of your healing journey will go a lot faster once you have let go of that.  All the best.

[ambi]

Do you have these kinds of feelings with anyone else in your life, or is it just your dad?

[gina louise]

Want2know,

I was interested in this thread, as my parents finally (only) seemed to warm up to me after me and first stbxBPDhh built/bought a half million dollar home.

After almost 25 years of digs and critical comments about anything from my parenting to why we had "too many" kids, to pointing out the flaws in my housekeeping and cooking skills-never said they were proud of how hard we'd worked, or what we had accomplished.  It was crazy making!   I would ask my stbxBPDhh ... .  WHAT did we DO to them? Why can't they just LIKE us?

My light bulb moment was when my parents insisted on taking numerous photos of the House stbxBPDh and I had just finished and were about to move into. Not me and stbxBPDhh, Not my 4 kids... .  the HOUSE. Every room, hall and facade.

That's what they wanted to show the extended family. Not their beloved family members (Daughter, SIL, grand kids) but the

stupid house. That's when it hit me. The house mattered more. It represented something deeply important, to them.

What ever I did or had done-couldn't live up to the grandness of what the House meant. It never meant "that" to me!

Funny though-my stbxBPDh was also very invested in the house. They all seemed to have more pronounced NPD traits.

They saw everything through a different lens. It took me years to realize that.

After that, the stuff they did and said hurt me far less.

those light bulb moments are so important.

Want2know,

Be grateful that your Dad will come to visit. Mine won't even call me. My mom died a few years ago-and he's still living at home. My niece and her son are living with him. I see him infrequently, although he lives in the same city.

He usually has something insulting to say when I do visit-so I limit my time, and visit with the knowledge that his digs are a way of keeping his own veil of Self Respect.

I just go in reminding myself that I Am OK, no matter what he says. Still not easy.

GL

[GreenMango]

Hey W2k I like reading that your relationship with your sister is solid.  A longtime ago a member posted in thread but I can't find it but I remember it well.

He said one of his friends when he was explaining his relationship situation said we all have a child in us.  And an adult.  When problems arise is when we let the child in us huddle with the adult to make decisions and let the child drive the car of our life.  The child has a place but it isn't driving the car.

I thought it was pretty profound. 

The way I think about my relationship with my dad is he has good qualities despite his illness.  But there are things I know not to go to him with because of his illness.  It's like going to a shoemaker for a watch.

If I need a shoe that's when I go to him.  for the watch stuff there are other options and that's good.

[Want2know]

My comment on that point is trite, but true:   You cannot change those things, and I guess you should try to ruminate on them only as long as you really need to.   The final leg of your healing journey will go a lot faster once you have let go of that.

The same friend who gave me advice on how to handle my dad also has a magnet on her fridge that says "Let go or be dragged".  Kind of appropriate.  The thing with creating a boundary of distance and controlled contact is that it limits the ability to fully let go.  It keeps some wall up instead of breaking down the wall and being free.  That is where I'm going with him now - breaking down the wall.

He is still here... .  leaving tomorrow morning (staying at my house, so there is little free time right now).  I had a long chat with him when he first got here yesterday and I filled him in on the last 6 years, which have been the hardest for me.  My mom died, I caught my husband of 12 years cheating on me, I embarked on an affair, we divorced, I met my now exNPDbf, experienced the verbal/physical abuse, and finally broke free.  I told him everything.  He was pretty quiet for a bit, but I could tell he was getting it, and has said many times since then that he understands, and admitted to having a lot of the same feelings that I have gone through throughout his life, as well.  Today at lunch he mentioned the 2 women that lived with us, and said as he referenced my exNPDbf, "I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm sorry that I dragged you through my relationships".  I didn't bring them up, he did.  That was big.  I felt myself letting go.  I then decided to enjoy his visit and I took him on a tour of my area - it's beautiful here.  I took him to the top of the mountain behind me where people hang glide, I took him to some historic places, and now we're home for a bit, and having dinner at my gf's who has been advising me.  Woah... .  it's been quite a ride.

There have been a few moments where I felt like he was starting to judge things, but without me even doing or saying anything, he quite quickly would back it up with "I understand - I've been there, too".  Hmmm... .  lots to process after he leaves.  My head is kind of spinning right now, and I am looking forward to going to my gf's, as her and her daughter will be a bit of a distraction.

Do you have these kinds of feelings with anyone else in your life, or is it just your dad?

Sometimes... .  yes.  It's usually when I know I could have done better with something or didn't do what I know I should do, which supports that it is how I feel about myself, and not about others judging me.

I just go in reminding myself that I Am OK, no matter what he says. Still not easy.

I hear ya!  

The way I think about my relationship with my dad is he has good qualities despite his illness.  But there are things I know not to go to him with because of his illness.  It's like going to a shoemaker for a watch.

If I need a shoe that's when I go to him.  for the watch stuff there are other options and that's good.

I so get this!  I really want to be able to go for him for emotional support, something that I could not do.  This visit is becoming that, though.  I had to just put it out there, and he responded in a way that brings me back to the early childhood memories of him being my dad - the dad I really loved and needed.

Some good progress - thank you all for your comments and questions.