BF Discharged From Army

[RedRightAnkle]

Hi everybody. I hope all are doing well. I don't post here as much as I used to. I just felt like getting stuff off of my chest. I don't even really expect replies... .  I just... .  don't know what to do.

udxBPDbf left for the army Jan. 2 of this year. All of us (me, family, friends) were worried about him going and how far he would make it. This is as far as he's ever been away from home, and for the longest amount of time.

9 days after he ships out to basic I get a call. It's him telling me he's coming home. He was being discharged (he didn't mention whether it was dishonorable, failure to adapt, medical, ect.) and he would be home within the next few weeks or so. Later I found out from his mother, whom he had called before me, that he was being discharged because he did not pass his psych evaluation. They pulled him out of training after 3 days and decided that he was not in a state to have a gun in his hands. He has reportedly been going to group therapy since and it could take anywhere from two weeks to two MONTHS to get him back home.

This is the first time he's gotten any help ever. We're all hoping he gets medically discharged and is required to attend therapy upon returning home. I don't know if that's ever happened, seeing he made it 3 days into training and got pulled out.

Should I feel guilty for not being overly surprised at all of this? Of course I feel terribly sad for him, and I worry about how he'll behave when he comes home, but we all suspected his mental health would be a hindrance for him. I'm mostly worried about how he'll feel when he comes home; he has a major fear of failing and already feels so useless. Despite us all being proud that he went through with everything and tried, he won't feel like it was an accomplishment at all. I'm scared for that and how I'll be able to support him through it.

The only sliver of hope I have in all of this is that it inspires him to get help. This is the one chance he has of getting some sort of therapy and if he doesn't use this window, he won't get help ever I think. That doesn't mean I won't love him; I just want him to be a happier, healthier person.

Ugh. That's it. Mind dump I guess. Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[BlushAndBashful]

Dear RRA,

I don't have the answers as far as if he is required to go to therapy, since he is no longer in the service. I personally know soldiers who have deployed, come back with serious PTSD, and aren't "required" to go to therapy.

Basic Combat Training is extremely stressful, especially for someone who's never been away from home. I went through BCT when I was already a bit older, had lived on my own, had jobs and a house, etc and it was still horrible. The mental stress was much harder to deal with than the physical training. The whole thing is a mind game. I cried- lots. Yup, big tough soldier that I am .  I can see how it would cause someone to dysregulate very quickly.

I have empathy for your bf, and it's probably going to hit him hard. I do hope it might cause him to reflect on his actions and reactions and seek the treatment he needs.

 Mauser

[RedRightAnkle]

Thanks for you reply, Mauser


I doubt it would happen either, but we're thinking if he's medically discharged he could still get VA benefits and at least have support to get help, but again, he didn't even make it out of basic training, so I doubt anything like that would happen.

And may I say I appreciate your service, especially since you got through such hell! He hasn't told anyone what happened exactly that got him pulled out, but I can only guess that he had a meltdown. First of all, he abhors change (why he chose a profession like the army with this mindset, I will never know), he needs an explanation for everything he is told to do, and he doesn't like being told what to do. My guess is that he was being shuffled around from place to place, ordered to do things and not given an explanation why, he got frustrated and began freaking out. We tried telling him all this time (he technically swore in back in June) how hard it would be and that the attitude he had wouldn't get him very far, but he was determined. And I admire him for that.

Thank you Mauser, hopefully he would appreciate that. I honestly can't imagine what it must be like for him, and now I just want him home. That's what we're all hoping - that this whole ordeal will finally make him see he could use some help. I want it for him so badly.

[briefcase]

If he hasn't already, he's probably going to have a lot to say about his experiences and have a lot of emotion associated with it.  You should be prepared to validate his emotional state, but be careful to not validate his perception of the facts.  There is a huge difference between "I understand you feel upset" and "Yeah, the army doctors are quacks." 

This is a learning opportunity for him, life (not you) is acting as his teacher.  Whether he learns anything through all of this is up to him, whether he is in treatment or not. Don't validate any of his justifications for what happened.  That only interferes with his opportunity to learn something. It's okay to let him know you understand how he is feeling.     

[RedRightAnkle]

Thanks Briefcase! That is actually something I was worried about - how to validate him without jumping on board with his justifications, especially since I'm not terribly surprised he did not pass his psych eval in the first place. I wanted him so badly to succeed, but if the army caught on to something within 3 days, there is something wrong. (Although I am technically mad at the army because of all of the red tape he's going through just to get back home!)

I understand he will choose where to take his life from here, and I will love him no matter what he chooses; it's just for his sake I hope he does something.