Being Proactive

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It looks like I'll be waiting for my stbxw to refinance before I can look into a new place.  I can pressure that by refusing to contribute to the mortgage after a certain date, but I'm largely at her mercy.  I'm not comfortable with that considering how long I've been living at her mercy and how little I've gotten out of that.  I want to start dividing possessions and draft agreements and do all the things that open the door to the next stage in my life.  Right now it's all hurry up and wait.  

My stbx avoids discussing anything.  I'm about ready to schedule mediation and just tell her when to show up.  

Many of us discover we behave in very codependent ways. Meaning, not assertive. You see where you need to go (not being at her mercy), and you're fed up with the way things have been going (being at her mercy). Part of the amazing transformation that many of us go through -- separate from the obvious separation -- is learning to recognize when we are being passive, discovering what tools and techniques we can use to become more proactive, and getting the strength to apply those tactics to protect ourselves. You are not really at her mercy, not as much as you think. And when you are, you need to think and act in ways that make her accountable for putting you at her mercy.

You may need to work on these skills with your L. If stbx does not discuss anything, you will have to use legal tactics to make sure things move smoothly. Most pwBPD do not respond well to reasonable requests, so you'll have to figure out how to implement a plan that pushes things forward (by stating a consequence).

For example, your L could draft something that says, "Stbx will refinance by Day Date Year otherwise Consequence." Provide a deadline, and a consequence that benefits you. My ex was supposed to refi the house by August 2012. It still isn't done. There is no penalty for his procrastination and I have no recourse to force the matter except filing contempt of court at my own expense (altho I could ask to be reimbursed for legal fees if I chose to do that).

I should have asked for it to read, "N/BPDx will refi the mortgage by Day Date Year and is responsible for all associated legal fees that LnL might incur. If N/BPDx does not refi the house by Day Date Year, he will have to pay xyz to LnL. Something like that -- the point being that N/BPDx's fully tapped home equity is affecting my credit line, making it tough for me to qualify for other loans. If N/BPDx waits a long time, I may lose good lending opportunities that could cost me a lot over a 30-year mortgage lending term. I haven't pursued this because it's not something I can even afford right now, but the principle still stands. Make sure every request has a consequence and a deadline.

You want mediation? Schedule it. Don't wait for her. Who is going to pay for it? If she makes more $$, she will be expected to cover it. N/BPDx paid for our mediation, but that wasn't settled until the end. If you are eager to get into mediation, and think she might blow it off, perhaps you could say, "Mediation is scheduled for this date. If either party cancels, that person must cover the cost of rescheduling."

Learn to think that way so that you don't (literally) pay when she dodges and makes things unnecessarily difficult.

Yeah, I think this is a key point.

My ex is extremely passive-aggressive, and this came out strongly during the divorce process.  She quickly figured out that she could hurt me, emotionally and financially, by stalling.  Sometimes she came up with excuses for not doing what she was supposed to, and other times she didn't give a reason - just didn't do whatever was next.  It went on and on.

I learned that it was up to me, with input from my attorney, to find a path forward that would not require any cooperation from her at all.  I learned how the process works where I lived, what the steps are, what I could file, how long she had to respond at each step, and what I could do if she failed to respond in that time.  It still took a long time, but I learned that I could complete the divorce without her cooperation.  She saw me moving forward, and figured out that if she didn't work with me - through our attorneys - then it would go worse for her.  So she came to the table.

You need to find out from your attorney what is the best, strongest way to move forward without any cooperation from the other party.  Then do that.  When the other party responds, great.  Otherwise just keep moving forward on your own initiative.

(Some attorneys will be passive in the face of passive-aggressive tactics too.  That may mean the attorney doesn't have experience with a BPDish opposing party.  You might have to school your attorney on these issues.)

[Matt]

It looks like I'll be waiting for my stbxw to refinance before I can look into a new place.  I can pressure that by refusing to contribute to the mortgage after a certain date, but I'm largely at her mercy.  I'm not comfortable with that considering how long I've been living at her mercy and how little I've gotten out of that.  I want to start dividing possessions and draft agreements and do all the things that open the door to the next stage in my life.  Right now it's all hurry up and wait.  

My stbx avoids discussing anything.  I'm about ready to schedule mediation and just tell her when to show up.  

Many of us discover we behave in very codependent ways. Meaning, not assertive. You see where you need to go (not being at her mercy), and you're fed up with the way things have been going (being at her mercy). Part of the amazing transformation that many of us go through -- separate from the obvious separation -- is learning to recognize when we are being passive, discovering what tools and techniques we can use to become more proactive, and getting the strength to apply those tactics to protect ourselves. You are not really at her mercy, not as much as you think. And when you are, you need to think and act in ways that make her accountable for putting you at her mercy.

You may need to work on these skills with your L. If stbx does not discuss anything, you will have to use legal tactics to make sure things move smoothly. Most pwBPD do not respond well to reasonable requests, so you'll have to figure out how to implement a plan that pushes things forward (by stating a consequence).

For example, your L could draft something that says, "Stbx will refinance by Day Date Year otherwise Consequence." Provide a deadline, and a consequence that benefits you. My ex was supposed to refi the house by August 2012. It still isn't done. There is no penalty for his procrastination and I have no recourse to force the matter except filing contempt of court at my own expense (altho I could ask to be reimbursed for legal fees if I chose to do that).

I should have asked for it to read, "N/BPDx will refi the mortgage by Day Date Year and is responsible for all associated legal fees that LnL might incur. If N/BPDx does not refi the house by Day Date Year, he will have to pay xyz to LnL. Something like that -- the point being that N/BPDx's fully tapped home equity is affecting my credit line, making it tough for me to qualify for other loans. If N/BPDx waits a long time, I may lose good lending opportunities that could cost me a lot over a 30-year mortgage lending term. I haven't pursued this because it's not something I can even afford right now, but the principle still stands. Make sure every request has a consequence and a deadline.

You want mediation? Schedule it. Don't wait for her. Who is going to pay for it? If she makes more $$, she will be expected to cover it. N/BPDx paid for our mediation, but that wasn't settled until the end. If you are eager to get into mediation, and think she might blow it off, perhaps you could say, "Mediation is scheduled for this date. If either party cancels, that person must cover the cost of rescheduling."

Learn to think that way so that you don't (literally) pay when she dodges and makes things unnecessarily difficult.

Yeah, I think this is a key point.

My ex is extremely passive-aggressive, and this came out strongly during the divorce process.  She quickly figured out that she could hurt me, emotionally and financially, by stalling.  Sometimes she came up with excuses for not doing what she was supposed to, and other times she didn't give a reason - just didn't do whatever was next.  It went on and on.

I learned that it was up to me, with input from my attorney, to find a path forward that would not require any cooperation from her at all.  I learned how the process works where I lived, what the steps are, what I could file, how long she had to respond at each step, and what I could do if she failed to respond in that time.  It still took a long time, but I learned that I could complete the divorce without her cooperation.  She saw me moving forward, and figured out that if she didn't work with me - through our attorneys - then it would go worse for her.  So she came to the table.

You need to find out from your attorney what is the best, strongest way to move forward without any cooperation from the other party.  Then do that.  When the other party responds, great.  Otherwise just keep moving forward on your own initiative.

(Some attorneys will be passive in the face of passive-aggressive tactics too.  That may mean the attorney doesn't have experience with a BPDish opposing party.  You might have to school your attorney on these issues.)

[theodore]

My lawyer often says: "She can slow us down but she can't stop us".

[Fultus]

... .  and there is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life apart from.

uBPDstbxw did some looking into getting the house refinanced and it brought out the victim in her, which she isn't comfortable with and wants to victimize me and my daughter.  D6 knows nothing about the divorce but W was stomping around in front of her talking about how "we may not have a house anymore".  Even my attempts to leave her with 20% equity are being met like a martyr, despite me getting maybe 2/3 of what she is getting.  And of course it's all my fault for leaving her, for "giving up" on a woman that has no respect for me, no attraction to me, and no connection with me = no love for me.  Yeah, I regret giving up on that.  And now she is starting to parade issues in front of D6.  THAT I will not abide.

W "gave up" a long time ago -- at least a year, likely a lot more -- and didn't bother to tell me, just kept slinking further and further away from me until I couldn't ignore it anymore. 

She is effectively offering me 1/3 of what she will keep in equity when I leave the home.  Maybe if she wants to pay me alimony... .  but I don't want that.  This would be easier if we hadn't refinanced so recently, a fact she just attributed to my insistence.  Her idea, she pursued it, she made me talk on the phone to the guy, but it was her doing.  I went along despite voicing objections about the doubtful nature of our marriage, but I didn't want to veto it because we were still trying to work it out.  Or I was, and she was hoping I might just crawl back in my hole and shut up about everything.

I make a terrible advocate for myself.  I want her taken care of, but I'd like to be able to live , too.  I feel like I'm back to the drawing board on the negotiation.  We can spend a little money and a lot of hours fixing up the house to sell it.  It's all the same to me except it will take a while to sell.  I just want out of this marriage. 

I'm going to consult my brother, a real estate lawyer.  I'm hoping he can help decipher some of this BS and get my life moving forward again.  Right now, I'm spinning my wheels in an outer circle of hell.  I just I hope I'm pointing the right way when I finally get traction.

[Fultus]

Just had a (hopefully final) financial discussion with uBPDstbxw.  I'm ready to cut my losses (which are significant) and get out of dodge.  I'm compiling info tomorrow to take to the lawyer so we can start the clock on the 90 day "cooling off" period before it's final. 

Wife has refinance in the works on our house to put it in her name only.  I'm looking at houses Friday.  I see my life moving forward.  It's exciting and terrifying and heartbreaking all at once.

The next big step -- huge step -- will be telling D6.  I'm terrified. 

[ForeverDad]

Two questions that may have already been addressed:

Is the house already in her name only?

Is the house considered a marital asset and if so, are you effectively 'gifting' it to her with no

strings attached or is this in consideration of you walking away with other assets?  If you think that by being nice with the house it will make her reciprocate nicely in other areas, you could be in for a shock.

[Fultus]

foreverdad: The house is currently in both our names.  She is technically buying me out of my "half" of the equity with money from the refinancing.  I'll have papers to sign to release myself from the title, etc. 

You're right about her not giving in other areas.  I've agreed to her getting more equity (roughly 60% to my 40%) and more physical property (largely equipment from her photography business -- again almost 60/40) and a 50/50 split on bank accounts and retirement savings from whatever official date the court stipulates.  Based on how little savings we have across the board, that's her getting maybe 57% of our marital assets. 

But I sure got an earful last night when I wanted another 5% from the house's equity.  How hard her life was going to be, how little disposable income she'll be left with.  Nevermind she makes 3-5 grand a year more than me doing the same job in a different county.  And she tried to tell me I had no right to the bonus she got in November because _I_ didn't earn it. 

I'm agreeing to the terms of surrender so I can get the #@$< out and get my life rebooted.  I'm willing to take a loss as long as that line doesn't start sliding back on me.  I have a firm agreement and it's time to let my lawyer draft the papers.  Oh, and my folks are paying part of the lawyer fees, largely because they want me out even more than I do. 

This is where things could get spontaneously messy, or they could just start to build momentum to salvation.  Fingers crossed for the latter.

[Fultus]

Things are starting to move fast in divorce world. My stbxw is closing on her refinance of our house in mid-February. I looked at a few houses with a realtor (loved one, but it smelled like smoke). I'm prequalified for a mortgage of my own. Everything but paperwork with the lawyer, I'm afraid. For the third week in a row i am declaring "this week". 

[theodore]

I'm prequalified for a mortgage of my own.

If you aren't divorced yet, will the lender give you a loan that doesn't have your spouse's name on it?  My understanding is that any asset acquired will you are still married belongs half to your spouse.  If you buy a house, your spouse will own half of it unless you have solid signed documents to the contrary.  Even with signed documents, ownership is questionable.

[Fultus]

theodore:

I verified with my lawyer today that (at least in this state) it is at the discretion of the lender whether they require the divorce to be completed or just filed.  My divorce is not filed yet, but it will be before the loan closes.  Both my stbxw and I have been open with our potential lenders about our status so there should be no surprises.  Should.