Being Proactive

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ooo, yes.  That.  Well, I don't expect things to come to that, but yes, maybe I'll hide the condoms just in case. 

Still, like we teach kids in this country, there is only one surefire way to not get pregnant.  I plan on using that one.

[Fultus]

Ooo, yes.  That.  Well, I don't expect things to come to that, but yes, maybe I'll hide the condoms just in case. 

Still, like we teach kids in this country, there is only one surefire way to not get pregnant.  I plan on using that one.

[Fultus]

I wanted to give my uBPDw a little time to process my desire to get a divorce.  Well, it's been most of a week.  And tomorrow is D5 D6's birthday, so tonight an tomorrow are bad days to push the issue. 

Still, like the last few years of our marriage, she has opted to mostly ignore this serious issue other than a few desperate, imperious text messages.  I am ready to start moving on.  I need to give things a nudge toward formally negotiating custody, property, etc.

The dynamic of the house is almost exactly what it was 2-3 weeks ago: mutually ignoring each other, both of us awning over D6 when possible, trying to stay out of each others' way.  I think that may be confusing my W -- since things seem the same, nothing has changed.  And effectively nothing has beyond me sharing my desire to make the big change to split.  My mind s not changing on this and I'm not sure she gets it. 

I think I may draft a separation agreement myself as a starting point to negotiations.  I have a lot of things in my head, but quite a few need to be quantified. 

I guess I'm really just checking in.  I am SO ready for 2012 to be over.  And this marriage to be over.  I'm looking at the divorce with more optimism every day.  The simple idea that I can start waking up and thinking about what I want out of the day for myself and not how I can fit my day around hers... .it's going to be a huge change in my life that will take some time to embrace.  But it feels so nice to think I might have my own life again.  It's been a long time.

[tog]

Fultus,

 That sounds just awful, being stuck in the same home with her while this happens.

My SO relished his freedom when he moved out and would still never undo what he did in leaving despite how ugly it's gotten for him. The most important thing will be to keep your eye on the ways your W will try to influence D6 (Happy Birthday to her!  ). It can get ugly quickly and you won't know about it right away. Just make sure you watch for , especially when you move out and don't see her every day.

Those red flags would be the obvious like her saying stuff that you know she didn't think up herself, "Why did you leave us Daddy?" etc, but the subtle, too, like crying when she leaves her mom or being angry at you for no reason. Kids often keep quiet about what's being said to them for a long time.

You might even want to proactively get D6 a therapist that you pick and like NOW, so that your wife doesn't do that later and find someone she can influence against you. You can easily say you are doing it to help D6 through the divorce and separation.

It will get uglier, though, keep that in mind. My SO's ex has never and will never take responsibility for the damage she caused. The affair she had was his fault because he wasn't a good enough husband. The best he got was "I'm sorry it hurt you" which isn't the same as "I'm sorry I did that wrong thing". It's hard to let go and accept that you will never, ever hear those words from her. She isn't capable of it.

Another   for good measure. And yes, keep your own condoms handy. My SO's stbxw also tried to get pregnant again when they were separated. Thank goodness it didn't work.

[ForeverDad]

Abstinence is preferable but, just in case, remember that a condom could be sabotaged beforehand.  Also, used condoms left behind are potentially dangerous too.  I recall one crime show that had a guy charged with rape by a woman he'd never met, yet the DNA matched.  How?  Turned out the spouse had retrieved a used condom, sent it to someone who staged a claimed rape.  Of course, the conspiracy unraveled by the end of the episode.

My point is that a determined wife may find an unexpected way to get pregnant anyway.  Not that this will happen, but it could.

[theodore]

Still, like the last few years of our marriage, she has opted to mostly ignore this serious issue other than a few desperate, imperious text messages.

I was in your shoes almost two years ago.  I was hoping my uBPD STBXw would agree to a reasonable settlement so we could both move on.  Slowly I realized this wasn't going to happen.  She hired a lawyer and stopped talking to me.  The more I read on this board and others, the more I realized that this was only going to end in trial.  pwBPD don't want the drama to end, ever.  We were supposed to have a settlement conference with the judge last week but she was able to have it delayed so now I have to wait another month or two.

I guess I'm really just checking in.  I am SO ready for 2012 to be over.  And this marriage to be over.

My advice is to hunker down and get ready for the siege.  This will probably take a very, very long time.  Two years is average around here.  Meanwhile, get lots of Daddy time with the children and document it to show for custody negotiations.  Focus on your health and well-being.  All of this will be over, but not anytime soon.

[Fultus]

Progress is... .a pipe dream. 

D6's birthday was a mommy-bust.  She "had a headache" and spent a 2 of D6's 4 waking after-school hours in bed, stomping around the house in a silent but pissy mood while she was awake, even going so far as to snap at D6 every time she asked to open presents. 

Today wasn't much better.  I wanted us to take D6 out to lunch and a movie.  W had rehearsals for band and choir, but she did have time to join us for lunch.  She dragged her feet getting ready to leave so that she only had 30 minutes at the restaurant with us, which wasn't terrible.  She didn't order anything.  It was one of the more (but not most) uncomfortable lunches I can recall ever enduring.  She did manage to make the birthday cake she didn't make last night (for D6's actual birthday). 

She came home from her rehearsals and commented on the lack of progress cleaning the living room, a task she hadn't so much as asked me to do and she certainly hasn't attempted.  She has no patience with D6, and D6 has been acting out a lot, requiring a lot of patience. 

I took D6 to the movie.  I am the one that got D6 birthday presents.  I am doing all I can to assure D6 that mommy and daddy both love her, showing her as much love from me as possible while still correcting inappropriate behavior.  You know... .parenting.  And I'm trying hard to not ask W about her feelings; she never told them to me when I was her husband, I see no reason she would start now that I'm leaving.  And asking is a staying move, not a leaving move.  I want her to be okay, but then if that was likely to be an option, I probably wouldn't be leaving. 

So this will be unpleasant, but I'm hoping it won't be slow.  She is cheap, after all.  I'd love to think we could get the mediation/negotiation stuff dealt with between now and Christmas.  Yeah, not likely.  We have so little to sort out.  I'm pretty flexible on an awful lot of things other than custody.  (Don't tell her that.) 

It's funny -- when I was trying to save the marriage, I was weepy all the time.  I'm an emotional guy, after all.  And while I do get choked up a couple times a day, I'm largely holding it together.  I want to keep that kind of momentum going.  Alas, I can't do that alone.  I can make progress alone, rather, with the assistance of my lawyer.  Things seem to be leaning that way.  I feel like Indiana Jones trying to avoid booby taps as I escape this tomb of a marriage.  I'm fighting the urge to just make a run for it; doing so would surely get me squashed by a boulder.

[Matt]

So you're getting some emotional distance, which should help you a lot.

":)6, would you like to go to lunch at Domino's, and then to see a movie?"  "Yes!"  "W, would you like to join us?  We're leaving at 11:00 so we'll have time to eat and make the 1:00 movie."

What I'm suggesting is - what I had to learn - say what you're going to do, and then do it.

If it wasn't D6's birthday, I would probably not even ask your wife to join you.  It took me a while to accept that I needed to parent the kids, and not focus on my stbX.  For a year or so, I she joined us for every birthday - after we were separated - and big holiday meals.  That was a mistake - the sooner you can set aside the failed relationship, and give all your focus to your daughter, the better.

What is your plan for living separately?

[ForeverDad]

Progress is... .a pipe dream.

But you still had to try.  We understand.

D6's birthday was a mommy-bust.

Holidays and events are triggers for disordered acting out.

I am doing all I can to assure D6 that mommy and daddy both love her, showing her as much love from me as possible while still correcting inappropriate behavior.  You know... .parenting.

Just be careful not to invalidate your daughter's observations.  If she sees misbehaviors, blaming, etc and you tell her "mommy loves you" it may be hard for her to handle two contradictory concepts.  Maybe something like "mommy may try but it doesn't come out right"?  Perhaps others here can recommend responses that will have your daughter and not be too confusing.

[Fultus]

Okay, Detective Fultus broke out the magnifying glass and did some not-too-subtle snooping.

It seems some of my BPDw's students (a couple who are/were favorites) played a prank on her Friday (D6's birthday).  This likely contributed to $#!++y mood, but of course she didn't tell me about it.  Is that to punish me?  punish herself?  I dare not read more into it. 

Further snooping suggests she has been in touch with one of said students' mothers, exchanging extensive texts.  They have been in contact before and they seem to be friendly, so this isn't too shocking.  And this woman is divorced and (apparently) happily remarried, so she might be seeking advice from what sources she sees as reliable.  Who the hell knows.  I suspect they are discussing how alienated W feels by being pranked (moving all the desks out of her room onto the school lawn).

More disturbing, she texts this male student frequently.  I lack evidence to suggest any legal or even (obvious) ethical violations have been made, we can say that her habits of texting male students are not completely unrelated to the divorce.  (At least she isn't texting them 2000 times a month anymore.  Yeah, that's what it says.) 

I am worried about her mental well being for several reasons right now.  I'm contemplating asking her about the prank r if she wants to talk about it.  I suspect it would only piss her off, though, so maybe I won't.  Though I might have a little chat with our pastor/friend who is her most stable (read: adult) confidant. 

I need to escape this web of drama she lives in.  I'm sure these kids that pranked her were doing it out of affection, but there was a facebook post (where I discovered it) saying one kid "got W back".  Trying to figure it out will only frustrate and confuse me.   need to let it go.  I don't need to take care of her, especially since my caring will likely be rejected anyway.  I need to move beyond and above all this.  I need to get out.

Yes, most of that last paragraph was addressed to me.

I guess I need to remind myself that, even through this traumatic process of divorce, W's emotional responses are not about me.  I exist beyond her emotions and have for a long time.  And with that, her (unemphatic and sparse) pleas for me to stay are not about me or the marriage, but about her or maybe something even less significant -- ear of change, appearances, convenient child care... .? 

Maybe I should move all her possessions onto our lawn so she gets the message? (Shame on you, Fultus, that isn't funny.  Okay, maybe a little funny.)

[Fultus]

What is your plan for living separately?

Well, planA is to fix up the house through January, sell it during February, and be living on my own come March. Bad news, plan A is slow. Good news, W will never go for plan A. Plan B is for W you're refinance alone and buy me put of my half of the equity so I can buy my own place (which is no more expensive than renting here, though more of a commitment). Our seems more likely. Prlan C has W moving out, but I don't see that one happening either.

Regardless of who ends up where, I suspect it'll be February at the earliest before we are physically separate for more than a few nights. I have couches waiting for me if things get too crazy to handle here between now and then. 

My custody plan has D6 with me most days though W gets more hours per month with her. Again, I doubt that  will stick on the first toss.  I've done a lot of house browsing. I'm tempted to strange some showings, but I still have too much tome and too many question marks to do that. Same town, so child sharing shouldn't be too bad.

So yes, I have plans. They may have a lot of bumps between there and here, but I have plans. As long as she doesn't get cute with the equity, I should be out of here in a few months. There are apartments I could probably get into short term if things get lawyer-y.

Come on, Xmas, get here so I can get out!

[Matt]

Just be careful not to invalidate your daughter's observations.  If she sees misbehaviors, blaming, etc and you tell her "mommy loves you" it may be hard for her to handle two contradictory concepts.  Maybe something like "mommy may try but it doesn't come out right"?  Perhaps others here can recommend responses that will have your daughter and not be too confusing.

You don't have to say anything, or if it seems helpful, you can talk about specific behaviors and never mention Mom.

Mom yells and blames D6 for something she didn't do.  She comes to you and tells you.  You can say, "It's not right to blame somebody for something they didn't do." or "Yelling at people doesn't fix things."  Try to reflect your daughter's own perceptions and feelings.  "It looks like you're really sad." or "It sounds like you're upset."

I agree with FD - telling a child who has been treated badly "Mommy loves you." is probably confusing.  If you read (but don't post) on the "Adult Children Of BPD" board here, you'll hear a lot of members talking about how much more it hurt, when their BPD parent treated them badly, and then the other parent invalidated them by telling them "Mom loves you." or "You shouldn't say something like that about your dad."  The child can begin to mistrust her own perceptions - think she's the crazy one - or to repress her feelings instead of talking about them - exactly the opposite of what is healthiest for her.

[livednlearned]

Just be careful not to invalidate your daughter's observations.  If she sees misbehaviors, blaming, etc and you tell her "mommy loves you" it may be hard for her to handle two contradictory concepts.  Maybe something like "mommy may try but it doesn't come out right"?  Perhaps others here can recommend responses that will have your daughter and not be too confusing.

You don't have to say anything, or if it seems helpful, you can talk about specific behaviors and never mention Mom.

Mom yells and blames D6 for something she didn't do.  She comes to you and tells you.  You can say, "It's not right to blame somebody for something they didn't do." or "Yelling at people doesn't fix things."  Try to reflect your daughter's own perceptions and feelings.  "It looks like you're really sad." or "It sounds like you're upset."

I agree with FD - telling a child who has been treated badly "Mommy loves you." is probably confusing.  If you read (but don't post) on the "Adult Children Of BPD" board here, you'll hear a lot of members talking about how much more it hurt, when their BPD parent treated them badly, and then the other parent invalidated them by telling them "Mom loves you." or "You shouldn't say something like that about your dad."  The child can begin to mistrust her own perceptions - think she's the crazy one - or to repress her feelings instead of talking about them - exactly the opposite of what is healthiest for her.

This is so hard to do, but so important. Read the Power of Validation, that's a good place to start. I have learned that asking a question helps me get out of my codependent-rescue type thinking. It's easy to tell yourself you'll validate your daughter, but it's hard to always do it. When something comes up out of the blue, my new default is to immediately respond by asking a question: "How did you feel when that happened?" Letting your child tell you how she/he feels is the magic antidote to a BPD parent, imo.

You might also want to think about how you will tell D6 that mom and dad are divorcing. Maybe start a new thread to ask members here how they handled it, what went well, what went badly, what we wish we did different. There is research out there that says less than 5% of divorcing parents ever explain what exactly divorce means, in kid terms. Kids want to know where they will sleep, will they have two toothbrushes, who will put them to bed at night, who will make their breakfast. Mom's House, Dad's House is a decent book --(altho parts can be a bit cringeworthy for people divorcing pwBPD.)

www.barnesandnoble.com/w/moms-house-dads-house-isolina-ricci/1100630863

[Matt]

You might also want to think about how you will tell D6 that mom and dad are divorcing. Maybe start a new thread to ask members here how they handled it, what went well, what went badly, what we wish we did different. There is research out there that says less than 5% of divorcing parents ever explain what exactly divorce means, in kid terms. Kids want to know where they will sleep, will they have two toothbrushes, who will put them to bed at night, who will make their breakfast.

Yeah, a thread like that would surely help others too - it's an issue that affects a lot of us.

Our marriage counselor coached me on this, and also the kids' counselor.  (The MC said - and I was there with my ex at the time - that I should tell the kids, one at a time - not both their mom and me, but me.  I glanced at my stbX, and she nodded!  She seemed to understand that this was something I needed to do.)

My son was 8 at the time.  His first question was, "Will we still take the same bus to school when we're at your house?"  I was floored - it hadn't even occurred to me - but because I had found a place only 2 blocks away, I said, "Yeah, I think so.  We'll make sure."

At first, S8's biggest concern was what other people would think - he was ashamed.  He got over that.  My D10's biggest concern was that her mom was sad and I wouldn't be there to help her.  That was tougher to handle, because she was right, her mom was sad - but then her mom had always been sad, except the first few months we were together, and I had never been able to fix that.

LnL's point - that the kids will mostly be concerned about practical things like toothbrushes - is very true.  At young ages, their biggest need is security - the knowledge that they will be OK.  They need to be told, "I'll still be your parent and will always take care of you.", and they also need answers to every little question that bugs them, like toothbrushes and school buses.

[Fultus]

I'm sick today. BPDstbxw called to check on me. I was confused by this. Then it made sense because she went on to tell me about things D6 had said to her, things that were spouses to make me feel guilty about the divorce.

I have to keep reminding myself that w's distaste for divorce is not about me.  She stool hasn't professed her love for me in an attempt to dissuade divorce. I don't even think she's trying to talk me out of it, just feel bad about it. She asked me today how I could bee okay and whistle a around the house (which I didn't realize I was doing, but I do like too whistle).  I didn't address it.

I don't fO'eel like I need to explain to her why I'm leaving. She knows why. She just wants specific things to argue about. I don't want to fall into that trap. The only thing I've said is that things haven't gotten better, they aren't going to get better, and I just can't do it anymore. Her baiting is increasing, however. my next step is to tell her that, unless she stops trying to persecute me, I won't discuss things without a mediator. I suspect that's where this is going anyway. Still cheaper than having lawyers sort it out for us.

Her parents were up yesterday to see D6's school xmas recital. She hasn't told them about the divorce. Yeah, this is rstarting to roll downhill like I feared it would. The only thing I have to appeal to is her sense of cheapness - it's going to cost a lot more for less satisfying results to fight it out with lawyers, but I'm willing to do so.

Sthe knows this is her fault (she's not willing to own any disorder, so that leaves her) and she doesn't know how to handle that knowledge. I think she's trying to get me to say it so she can argue against it, but it's harder to do when she's the one telling herself. Personal reflection had always been very uncomfortable for her

[BentNotBroken]

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE PWBPD! EVER!

You will regret it if you do. You may think, based on the seeming indifference to the pending divorce, that your BPD wife is ignoring the issue. I guarantee she is not. Her parents were not just there for D6's recital. Keep in mind that BPD starts developing in adolescence, her parents have likely been a partner to her disordered behavior for many years. You can be guaranteed that the smear campaign has already begun.

Watch your back. Keep a digital recorder on your person at all times, and keep it running when you are around your STBex. You may not need the recordings, but if BPDw decides to punish you for the divorce, things can get very ugly, very quickly. ie a Christmas morning 911 call to file a false DV complaint. Don't take chances, no matter what your wife says to you. BPD is a serious mental illness, and you can't protect your daughter when you are sitting in jail.

[Fultus]

I have a recorder on my phone.  I'm not good at triggering it when I need to, but I'm getting better.

The wife is severing our cell phone accounts today, so she is taking action.  She texted me saying she wants 50/50 custody, so I have that in writing.  I'll save it as a screenshot. 

I am trying not to underestimate her/BPD.  Lots of scenarios run through my head.  I'm trying not to play into her passive-aggressive games.  It's tough.  I am sure I have been smeared to some people.  I do have two therapists to support me should anything get ugly, including one that would (within the law) support me over her.  That surely counts for something.

I'm pretty sure her target is to make me uncomfortable without going to court.  I'm pretty much a boy scout and she has some pretty questionable skeletons that I can support with evidence.  She doesn't want them coming to light and she's high-functioning enough (so far) not to sabotage herself just to get to me.  Again, I'm taking nothing for granted, but I may well get out of this with minimal (new) scarring. 

I'm an optimist today.  Tomorrow my song may be different.

[ForeverDad]

Maybe she doesn't want you being able to access her cell phone records?  Frankly, you probably wouldn't want her to be able to monitor yours either, if not an issue now, then later.  Divorce means separate lives.  Short term, the posturing, claims and allegations for custody/parenting are the big issues.  Co-parenting is the biggest challenge long term.

If the accounts are split, will you lose the text/call history on your phone?  Make backups or copies of anything important.

It generally gets worse the closer you get to separation.  And continues at least until a parenting schedule is agreed to or orders issued.  Do nto be surprised if/when she tries to find ways to make you look worse than her, even if it means false allegations, staged, framed, whatever.  Posturing is typical.  Do be cautious.

[Fultus]

BPDw has been meeting with a couple of recently divorced friends for the last hour and a half. I'm hoping they are giving her perspective, but I suspect she is painting herself the victim and seeking advocates.  The game is afoot. Why does it always have to be a game?

It's time too put things in motion. She seems to be accepting reality of pending divorce, so we need to decide on a venue for it. Kitchen table? Mediator's office? Lawyers' phones? Courtroom?

These friends know me too and at least one knows a bit of our recent history. Snowing them won't be easy, I hope. Maybe they can tell her to just make the cut clean to protect D6. She might listen... .  Will record my next discussion, just in case.

[Fultus]

Well, that was informative.

BPDw got home and we had a brief chat. It felt more like playing chess, but it was a chat. Things I learned: she tools her parents this morning about the divorce, she told several friends at work about the divorce on Monday, we are going to send D6 to her sitter day after tomorrow so we can discuss "business stuff" together (will record openly), she had okayed my trip with D6 to visit my family for New Years. No curve balls yet. Yet.

I feel like she is keeping something back. Though I suppose I am keeping things back, too. We both have things we want out of the divorce. I know sharing my list would be poor strategy, topping my hand. She wouldn't want to to hers either. Stool, I feel like there is a second shoe that hasn't dropped. I hope I am wrong.

W is taking D6 to school in the morning since she is off work and I have to be in early. Good reasons but an out of character offer. Likely her effort to demonstrate willingness to go out of her way for D6, then go xmas shopping. All things I'm happy to see as long as the action and the motive are aligned.

.

I need to get some sleep. I have a feeling this weekend may be taxing

[Fultus]

Puking D6 = no divorce discussion today.  Looks like it will be after Christmas. 

W and I have always worked well together to take care of a sick D. 

[ForeverDad]

W and I have always worked well together to take care of a sick D.

That was the case with my ex, one of the few situations she and I have fewer disagreements.  Sadly, I still have to be careful, she is an entitled know-all mother and even with illnesses she isn't quite normal.

[Fultus]

Visiting family with D6 and without uBPDstbxw. Never thought visiting family would be so hard. I'm so used top spending family visits worrying about how w is handling things that I don't know what to do other than think about her. I still feel responsible for her and worry about her and want to make her happy. It's instinct at this point. I can't help it.

I just want to stay moving on and the process is so much slower than I ever imagined. Now it looks like it could be mid-February before she can refinance, so that long before I can even begin to think about finding a lieutenant residence solution.

I think we have a tentative custody plan and have worked out who gets what pets, but little else. And it's starting to look like her lawyer is giving her confrontational advice. I am so sick of all of this and I'm just getting started.

I'm in a very low, depressed place right now. Surrounded by family, I've never felt so lonely.

[Matt]

Do you have opportunities to talk openly about these issues with your family?

And do they give you good support?

[Fultus]

Opportunities have been tough because the kids (my D6 and her cousins) don't know and they are everywhere.  My mom is supportive but there's a whole can of worms from leaning on her too much (she's codependent in a controlling, care-taking, nothing-is-good-enough way).  I'm not staying in the same house with my brother, who I could probably count on most. 

My family is supportive of my decision to leave my wife, but they have never been much help dealing with feelings.  Telling my mom I'm lonely while visiting her is bound to start more problems than it solves. 

I think some of it is wanting to push forward with the leaving process and having nowhere to go.  It sucks.

[Matt]

Somebody here told me, when I was where you are, to make sure I had three sources of support.

Family and close friends - they may not have a clue about what you're going through, but they can still (I hope) give you support, as a person they care about.  Don't hesitate to ask for it.

Peers - like here - can understand what you're going through because we've been there, or are still there.

Professionals, like a counselor, can give you ideas based on education and second-hand experience.

I followed that advice and it helped.

[livednlearned]

I'm so used top spending family visits worrying about how w is handling things that I don't know what to do other than think about her. I still feel responsible for her and worry about her and want to make her happy. It's instinct at this point. I can't help it.

What you are experiencing is actually very important -- lean into those feelings. Treat them like lights on the dark path to getting better. I did a lot of reading (after I left, because self-help books triggered N/BPDx during the marriage   ) and came across one author (Harriet Lerner?) who wrote about the problems we inflict on ourselves when we overfunction for someone else. The way you describe your mother makes me think you probably already know this stuff, but it sounds to me like the absence of your ex is allowing you to feel the pain of being you. I felt the same way after leaving N/BPDx, and it lasted a long time. The best advice I heard and the most simple was, "Lean into the pain." There will be many times when you want to alleviate the pain with "fixing" and "rescuing" and I found I needed to be extra careful about how I parented S11. Some people think the idea of codependency and parenting is ridiculous because kids are naturally dependent on us, but for me there is definitely a line between using parenting and being a healthy parent.

Your instinct to not involve your mom sounds very wise to me. You know that she will overfunction and try to solve things for you, and it sounds like you know that she will not be able to validate how you feel and let you have your feelings in all their sadness.

Matt's advice about support is really good -- it can sometimes be hard for codependent people to lean on friends, but I found it made my friendships deeper and it cracked my armor so that I could feel genuine compassion for other people instead of rescuing them.

Hang in there. Holidays can be hard times even in the best of times, and you are going through a divorce with someone who is disordered. That's a cocktail for depression if ever there was one. In my experience, things got better incrementally, and the healing was slow and sometimes the pain brought me to my knees. But I wouldn't trade it for the world -- that healing, those feelings, it made me a better person and a much, much better parent. Use that pain to make this difficult experience mean something in your life. You're worth it, your daughter is worth it, and it does get better 

[theodore]

I think some of it is wanting to push forward with the leaving process and having nowhere to go.  It sucks.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  It will take a long time, maybe a very long time.  Perhaps it will help to adjust your expectations.  What do you mean by "having nowhere to go".  Where do you want to go?

I've learned to adjust my expectations and to simply be happy that I'm alive and I have my health.  Anything beyond that is a bonus.  And anything is better than being married to the Nut Job that took 27 years of my life.

[Fultus]

Thank you Matt, lived, and theodore.  Your support and advice helps a lot.

@theodore - I want to pack up and get out of the house, to tell D6 that we are divorcing so I don't feel like I'm lying to her all the time.  I'm not lying, of course, but I'm avoiding it, and sometimes the things she says break my heart.  Yesterday she drew a picture of Christmas stockings for her and me and her mom and it took everything I had not to cry. 

It looks like I'll be waiting for my stbxw to refinance before I can look into a new place.  I can pressure that by refusing to contribute to the mortgage after a certain date, but I'm largely at her mercy.  I'm not comfortable with that considering how long I've been living at her mercy and how little I've gotten out of that.  I want to start dividing possessions and draft agreements and do all the things that open the door to the next stage in my life.  Right now it's all hurry up and wait. 

My stbx avoids discussing anything.  I'm about ready to schedule mediation and just tell her when to show up. 

It's like ripping off a band-aid -- I know it hurts but I want to get it over with so the pain can start to go away. 

[ForeverDad]

I recall someone long ago saying, There is no right time, no perfect scenario, no exact time to push the button.  If you wait for that, you'll be waiting a long, long time.

That's why the first steps are the hardest, as time goes on you'll be more able to see where the next steps are and won't face as perplexing a dilemma of timing.

[livednlearned]

It looks like I'll be waiting for my stbxw to refinance before I can look into a new place.  I can pressure that by refusing to contribute to the mortgage after a certain date, but I'm largely at her mercy.  I'm not comfortable with that considering how long I've been living at her mercy and how little I've gotten out of that.  I want to start dividing possessions and draft agreements and do all the things that open the door to the next stage in my life.  Right now it's all hurry up and wait.  

My stbx avoids discussing anything.  I'm about ready to schedule mediation and just tell her when to show up.  

Many of us discover we behave in very codependent ways. Meaning, not assertive. You see where you need to go (not being at her mercy), and you're fed up with the way things have been going (being at her mercy). Part of the amazing transformation that many of us go through -- separate from the obvious separation -- is learning to recognize when we are being passive, discovering what tools and techniques we can use to become more proactive, and getting the strength to apply those tactics to protect ourselves. You are not really at her mercy, not as much as you think. And when you are, you need to think and act in ways that make her accountable for putting you at her mercy.

You may need to work on these skills with your L. If stbx does not discuss anything, you will have to use legal tactics to make sure things move smoothly. Most pwBPD do not respond well to reasonable requests, so you'll have to figure out how to implement a plan that pushes things forward (by stating a consequence).

For example, your L could draft something that says, "Stbx will refinance by Day Date Year otherwise Consequence." Provide a deadline, and a consequence that benefits you. My ex was supposed to refi the house by August 2012. It still isn't done. There is no penalty for his procrastination and I have no recourse to force the matter except filing contempt of court at my own expense (altho I could ask to be reimbursed for legal fees if I chose to do that).

I should have asked for it to read, "N/BPDx will refi the mortgage by Day Date Year and is responsible for all associated legal fees that LnL might incur. If N/BPDx does not refi the house by Day Date Year, he will have to pay xyz to LnL. Something like that -- the point being that N/BPDx's fully tapped home equity is affecting my credit line, making it tough for me to qualify for other loans. If N/BPDx waits a long time, I may lose good lending opportunities that could cost me a lot over a 30-year mortgage lending term. I haven't pursued this because it's not something I can even afford right now, but the principle still stands. Make sure every request has a consequence and a deadline.

You want mediation? Schedule it. Don't wait for her. Who is going to pay for it? If she makes more $$, she will be expected to cover it. N/BPDx paid for our mediation, but that wasn't settled until the end. If you are eager to get into mediation, and think she might blow it off, perhaps you could say, "Mediation is scheduled for this date. If either party cancels, that person must cover the cost of rescheduling."

Learn to think that way so that you don't (literally) pay when she dodges and makes things unnecessarily difficult.