Wifes family to move close by

[yeeter]

Not sure if there is anything I can do about this, but at a minimum it will require an entire new level of coping skills.

My wifes parents are not doing well.  They live several states away and are going to be at a point soon where they need to find a place with assistance.  This weekend, my wife and her brother had been discussing it and decided that it will come down to them just moving closer to her brother, or closer to us.

Now being around her parents puts my wifes anxiety over the edge.  Then the N side of things goes through the roof, and its just an environment I avoid at all costs minus a couple days each year at xmas time.  The thought of them being around on a daily basis (which is the reality of what would happen), is a really terrible thought from my perspective.  It also affects my kids because when my wife is wound this tight the kids are locked down to where every little action is scrutinized.

This is a highly highly triggering topic to my wife (obviously - her parents arent doing well!).  So expressing how I feel about it will be met with me not being supportive of her, me hating her parents, digressing into me basically being a mean, evil person.  So Im not too comfortable expressing my feelings (and I dont believe it would have any influence on my wifes decisions anyway).

In the meantime, saying nothing in a way sends a signal that I am ok with it.  I am not.

But at the same time she can do anything she wants.  I dont control her, and this is pretty much how we run the relationship (she does whatever she wants - I do whatever I want - we avoid each other in the process).

In fact, although it would be pretty trying, I have already considered that if they do get serious about moving close by (it will either be next to us, or next to her brother) I might try to look for work in a different region to trigger a move.  This is nothing more than passive aggressive behavior on my part - fear driven - of not being able to talk it through with my wife and achieve a solution where I would be comfortable with the lifestyle.

So: 

1)  I have a scenario coming up that is at least 50/50 likelihood of happening, that would make a change in my life that I very much do NOT want.

2)  I cant express these feelings to my wife

3)  I feel this very negatively affects my children as well (which of course I could not say either)

4)  I dont control her or her parents, so the outcome I have no control/influence over

Whats the course of action?  Anything?  Just 'wait and see' if it really happens (it may not)?  Try to find another way to approach the subject? (for what desired outcome?).  If they do decide to move forward, what are my options?  (I feel like there really arent any - short of re-initiation of divorce, which isnt the way to live in a relationship!)

I already avoid doing many things with my wife - but do focus on doing things with her with the kids.  Add the grandparents in the mix, and this last vestige of common ground will be gone.

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[Peace4ME]

Wow, Yeeter. This is a tricky one. Telling your spouse that you dont want their aging parents to move nearby would probably make even the best of us defensive, even though I can completely understand your anxiety over this.

I'm just curious, does your wife acknowledge that her parents are a source of stress on her or does she seem to want them around without realizing the changes in her?

[yeeter]

No, she isnt aware of any of it.  Her brothers are a little older than she is, and her and her mother have a very very close bond (talk every day on the phone still) and she was raised as an only child (who was 'special' because she was a girl, which arent that many in her family). 

Its just this dynamic that stymied a lot of the emotional development and also setup a lot of the NPD traits.  Neither her, nor her mother see any of these dynamics.  And having her mother involved with the kids on a daily basis would cause even more of the concerning behaviors to cascade to them (effectively involving her mother in the day to day child raising more). 

[Peace4ME]

Hmm, well that certainly puts you in a tough position- I'm not sure I'm qualified to give you advice on this one 

All i know is that I have a lot of respect for those of you that Stay and work on things when your partner is not diagnosed and has a hard time accepting responsibility or participating in getting well. I don't think I could do it, at least not in THIS relationship with this person. It was actually killing my love for him, and I knew that I couldn't even begin the process of radical acceptance if he couldn't look inside himself. Still, some days I think we both question if there is enough love underneath all of this to last. So much negativity early on in our relatively short relationship, its hard to recover from.

[CodependentHusband]

I can see why this is making your nervous. The only thing I can think of is to practice some mindfullness here. It hasn't happened yet, and you don;t know for sure if it is going to happen. Also, you are imagining what it will be like if it comes to pass... .  you might be right on the mark, but then again, the interactions with the family might change quite a bit differently than you are expecting them to.

My in-laws are getting up there in age and they live close by. While my MIL's seemingly constant visits to the hospital do add some stress to my marriage, sometimes there is a positive aspect to this situation in that, A.) It makes my pwBPD feel needed, which seems to make her feel good about herself, and easier to get along with, and B.) My wife stays busy, which also gives her less time to "get in my way."

Can you think of any positives that could come out of this? How do you get along with you FIL?

[laelle]

It may just be a test to see how much you love/accept her.  It may never come to fruition.  If it did happen, you still have control over what you are willing to do and not willing to do.  They cant take that from you. 

[waverider]

Have the parents in law expressed any preferences themselves?

Are there any reasons either way why your wife or brothers location would be preferable from their point of view?

Is you wife actually capable of coping with parents that close, or is something she would look forward to.

[yeeter]

Have the parents in law expressed any preferences themselves?

Her mother and her are quite close.  So given a preference, I am sure this would be the first choice.  But Im not anywhere near the actual discussions (touchy stuff, with multiple family members involved and too easy to step on a land mine)

Are there any reasons either way why your wife or brothers location would be preferable from their point of view?

It could be much much cheaper.  We are in a very expensive part of the world.  Her brother is in a very inexpensive part of the world.  So this will for sure play a factor.

Is you wife actually capable of coping with parents that close, or is something she would look forward to.

Well, 'capable' is a relative term.  Her dad is late stage Alzheimers and is prone to wondering off and getting lost, taking the wrong medication, telling war stories (untrue exaggeration) to perfect strangers, etc.  He cannot drive and needs constant supervision.  Her mother has been providing all this up until recently when she herself had some seizures and now can no longer drive either.  So both need a lot of care right at this moment (and realistically, health only goes downhill after a certain age)

My wife will take all this on and it will be loads of work (for all of us - we already have three kids and this would just pile two elderly people onto the mix to care for daily).  But more concerning than the added work is the emotional anxiety that comes from just being around them.  This puts my wife into an elevated state, with all the fallout that comes with her anxiety.  The eggshell walking works ok for a few days a year if in a different state, but for that to translate into a full time environment would make it untenable

It may very well be that it never comes to pass.  But it is a real possibility, and the question is whether there is anything to be gained by me trying to express my feelings towards it.  Historically this isnt possible - and ultimately she will do whatever she wants.  Then its left for me to decide how I want to behave/react.  The default path is to just wait and see - bring up how I feel if it gets closer to happening.  But often, an emotional investment is made in the decision early on - which makes it harder to influence the farther along it gets.

[briefcase]

You are in a tough spot.  If you could tell her anything you wanted about this issue, and didn't have to worry about her reaction (a big IF, I know), what would you say to her?

That you don't want her parents nearby?

That you are concerned about her?  The kids?

Maybe pinpoint the issue(s) and the way to handle it may become more clear (raising the issue(s) now with SET or DEARMAN, or not raising it and then simply applying boundaries if they move here). 

I went through this a few years ago when my wife's father became ill and they moved to be closer to us.  It's definitely an adjustment.  It's one thing to see inlaws a few days a year.  It's quite another thing to have them watching your kids all the time.  In my case, it's not been all bad having my mother in law closer.

[daylily]

Both my sister in law and my mother in law moved to our neck of the woods last year.  I was really worried about it because even living across the country from us, there was a lot of drama and my H got caught up in the middle.  The problem kind of took care of itself, though, because the drama started once they moved here and, due to the fallout, my H is now "no contact" with both.  We see less of them than when they lived far away.  The only problem is that our son asks about his cousin and about his grandma sometimes.   

[yeeter]

A fair question briefcase.  But I'm not sure how productive an exercise.  If I could say 'anything', it would be about how her behavior impacts those around her (me, the kids, et al).  But that would be getting into finger pointing and suggesting she has a problem (at least by some definition).  Not productive (been there, done that with multiple counselors)

But it's a more pragmatic question than this.  I would strongly prefer that we not live anywhere close to my inlays (due to how this propagates into a change in her behavior, and what I feel are negative environmental factors for my children).  As pointed out, even in a healthy relationship this is a hard message to deliver.  It may very well be that there is no real way to express this.  If there was a way, however, my goals would be 1) to try to influence it a different direction and 2) just having made my position clear (it seems that in a healthy relationship part of our own responsibility is to communicate our feelings, but in this case it might not be the case).  At the same time I have to be cognizant of the likelihood of increased resentment if it goes a direction I don't want it to.  Again, part of that is making my voice heard... .  (but I already know it will be unwelcomed)

Tricky.