How to Confront Ex who Potentially Has BPD

[fab4eyed]

My potential BPD ex (who has at least 95% symptoms) broke things off with me after me not agreeing to move to his hometown... .  

My ex had a lot of bad relationships that had broken him down in the process. I was the only stable and promising relationship that he had had but he couldn't even stay stable with me. We had broke things off and on, but the breakups would only last for a few hours or maybe a day. We had one major breakup for maybe 1 month and half. He dated 2 women who were toxic for him since he was a recovering drug addict. He called his family and said that he should be with me, I took him back because I believed he finally came to his senses that I was the one he needed to be with. We got back together, there were still ups and downs and him having major attacks. Well, at least what I thought were anxiety attacks but in my research, people who have anxiety attacks don't go off on people and say rude stuff and act rudely. Recently, he had asked me to move to his hometown which was about a hour away from me and I declined because I wasn't ready to move that far away from my home and leave the life I had. He didn't like that. I told him let's re-evaluate later, of course BPD sufferers don't do gray areas, they only see black or white. To him that probably meant I was abandoning him and the relationship was in jeapordy so instead of dealing with the pain, he just cut off the relationship. This is what I'm thinking. Last text I got from him I love you but let's just move on with our lives. The day before he broke down and said how much he loved me so all of this just makes since that he would break up with me when I said I didn't want to move.

After the breakup, his mom and I did some research to find out that he has like all the symptoms of BPD. We understand that he has not been properly diagnosed by a licensed professional. But now, we don't know how to confront him regarding this. He's terrified of seeing a therapist even for "anxiety", so how in the world does anyone get through to him that it may be BPD. Do we give him examples in his life where it's dysfunctional, does she give him examples about how he was in our relationship of messing up good things? Should I contact him and try to talk to him about this... .  Or wait until he contacts me? Or should I just give us both some space and not contact him at all.  Should his parents do it since they live with him, but they don't know him intimately like I have since the disorder has also made them distant from him too?

I do know that I Cannot be in a relationship with him unless he seriously wants to get in some treatment...

[Wishbone]

Hi,

From what you say, it doesn't sound like your relationship with him was that stable either. This may be in part due to BPD but unless he has been diagnosed by a qualified professional, I wouldn't label him just yet. Many 'normal' people have traits of BPD so seeing 'signs' doesn't necessarily equate to a diagnosis. He may not thank you for putting that to him either.

If I were you I would wait for him to contact me and if he was open to discussing his issues then I would gently try to encourage him to see his GP. That really is all that you can do, it's his life and he can do what he chooses. All that you can do is focus on you, live your own life and if he asks for your help and you are prepared to give it then great. If he doesn't ask for your help and he doesn't see that your relationship will work for whatever reason, then you would probably be best of looking after yourself.

People can only change if they want to and he would need to help himself first. Maybe his Mum could encourage him visiting the Doctor and with the fears that he has it may well be

slow progress.

If you can't be with him if he isn't getting the help that you think he needs and he doesn't see a way for the relationship to work then maybe moving on apart is the way forward.

[fab4eyed]

I'm telling you for sure most of our arguments were when he was having a major uproar or mad. We couldn't talk about things that were regular issues, anytime I disagreed with him, he didn't like it. Maybe that showed him that I was abandoning him or not understanding him. At the time I didn't know the things I know about BPD now and I reacted totally different because I thought he was just a hateful person with anxiety disorder. When I say we had a stable relationship, I meant that he wasn't dealing with someone who used and abused him in the past. I was there for him unconditionally and he knew that. But what made me different from his exes was that I always told him the truth and didn't walk on that many eggshells. I'm sure if I would have known all of this about BPD, I would have reacted differently and did the steps to avoid such uproars and confront him about his BPD symptoms.