forced time out - kind of

[Parents! Get help here!]

So Monday, I was in a really bad head space after finding and reading dd15's notes to herself trying to keep it all together last year. She wrote very sporadically when her pain was too deep I suppose to try and prevent herself from stealing, si and a few months later sex... .  I shouldn't have read it yet I thought I could gain more insight - what I got was the FOG crashing down around me again with so many questions and different thoughts- mainly, why couldn't she come to me to help her? I begged, pleaded and bribed yet the harder I tried the more distant she got holding onto her projection she is doing great, is happy etc.

It really didn't help doing the Family Connections Teleconference - I fell apart. Its so different thinking and writing it than verbalizing... .  telling others out loud. Later replaying what I said in my mind, I got angry at myself: I know better, I am stronger than this, if I cannot hold it together now whats to happen when dd15 comes home? etc. Then the Pdoc's (from the state hospital) advice started to replay in my mind: eliminate any expectations of her making anything of herself as she cannot be stable enough for any type of consistency, expect frequent hospitalizations, increased si, dx changes etc. very self defeating, I know. However, this needed to happen as I haven't really addressed any of it constantly trying to think on the bright side to combat the anger, the frustration... .  life goes on right?

Tuesday, my mom's dog went into labor... .  This forced me to take a timeout and sit with my thoughts while watching and helping her. The last litter I had was 22 months ago - I quit as d15 was very jealous over them... .  it hurt her deeply that my focus was on a whelping dog. I tried to reason I was only producing 2 litters a year, this was for me to stay in touch with the outside world etc. So I decided to take an extended 4 yr break to allow dd15 to mature. DS11, missed having puppies around from time to time yet sided with dd15's perception that it was all wrong of me to do. Still yearning for that connection, I started show training once a week for an hour to get away ... .  even that was too much. So I threw in the towel and placed my best girl with a trusted breeder friend with the promise that I will get that line back once I am ready to take this on again... .  We went from 6 dogs to 2 (one for my foundation for a last chance saving the line and the other dd15 said was her dog so I couldn't place her) almost overnight. Then we took over my parents place and I inherited their 4 dogs until they can get stable enough to take them back... .  One passed away just after Thanksgiving due to old age (lived to be 20 yrs.) Then we received another to recondition and rehome in a more suitable home (major trust issues) if only I can spend the time to do it. Unfortunately, being consumed with dd15's crisis it still hasn't happened a year later. Two months ago I took in a male from my last litter as his "mom" was having a lot of medical issues and couldn't care for him anymore... .  3 days later I was off transporting dd15 to rtc to come back to discover we are expecting an unexpected litter - I was only gone for 24 hrs! However I didn't react - couldn't... .  whats done is done and can't change it.

Thinking about all this - re evaluating and coming to really believe (not just saying it) no matter what I did it would have been too much for dd15 yet it was the only thing she had against me as I wasn't working, didn't socialize with friends, wasn't dating - I allowed myself to become secluded all in the name of helping my kids... .  giving dd15 control over what I can/cannot do. This needs to stop - I need to reclaim this... .  something I enjoy, something that gives me peace, something to plan and look forward to. All of a sudden, a huge wave of contentment washed over me as I handled the puppies, reassured the mom,  took notes on presentation, birth weights etc.

Five beautiful puppies were born... .  a huge litter for her. Three boys and two girls. To smell that sweet puppy breath again is indescribable. I called my mom to let her know how it all went - she asked if its possible we have a keeper as her girl lost her partner in crime and when they take her back she will be the only inside dog... .  alone. I assured her its definitely a possibility if that's what she wants to do. Later, I just sat mesmerized by them... .  no thoughts just taking in the serenity.

Wednesday, I admitted to dd15's T I am having a hard time trusting she is changing and not just doing what she does best: taking on others perceptions to keep up with her pretending "game". She is a master at manipulation showing what we want to see and we fall prey to her trap believing the deception only to repeat over and over again... .  I am afraid and unsure how to handle it. I have accepted the fact she is sick, she si's, is unstable- I validate everything she throws at me clinging onto the hope she will find her inner strength somehow. T admitted without the case notes, going over my descriptions and seeing for herself exactly what I described she wouldn't have believed any of it as she presents herself as very capable, responsible, intelligent... .  a "normal" happy teen - quite confusing. For our meeting, we discussed how she is reframing her thoughts on her own, how good she is doing, started to plan our first face to face visit in early March. She didn't like the fact I am bringing ds11 instead of ds4 with me not understanding the damage she has done to him, why he refuses any interaction etc. I generalized their relationship then stressed to them both this needs to happen before she comes home.

After the meeting, we had an opportunity to take an extra personal call for this week. I told her about some of the changes at home, some plans to redecorate and eventually the litter. She immediately, told me we are not keeping any of the pups and I need to get rid of all the dogs except hers. I calmly asked her what are you doing? she quickly apologized and I thanked her then I told her she isn't going to dictate what I do - I need this for me then proceeded to outline my plans of placing the 2 "extra's" then adopting 3 males in the next year to restart my breeding program in 2 yrs and I am returning to the classes to try and get my foundation girl titled in the meantime. I value her opinion and feelings about this however,she has no say in it - this is going to happen. She told me that she see's I need this, understands and is proud of me for standing my ground... .  taking back my life.

I am still doubtful there is any real progress being made especially with the recent increase of lamictal (at 150 mg now) however, the FOG is lifting and the confusion is gone at the moment. I can immerse myself in this new found peace and resolve to actually start enjoying life again for today.

[momontherun]

So Monday, I was in a really bad head space after finding and reading dd15's notes to herself trying to keep it all together last year. She wrote very sporadically when her pain was too deep I suppose to try and prevent herself from stealing, si and a few months later sex... .  I shouldn't have read it yet I thought I could gain more insight - what I got was the FOG crashing down around me again with so many questions and different thoughts- mainly, why couldn't she come to me to help her? I begged, pleaded and bribed yet the harder I tried the more distant she got holding onto her projection she is doing great, is happy etc.

It really didn't help doing the Family Connections Teleconference - I fell apart. Its so different thinking and writing it than verbalizing... .  telling others out loud. Later replaying what I said in my mind, I got angry at myself: I know better, I am stronger than this, if I cannot hold it together now whats to happen when dd15 comes home? etc. Then the Pdoc's (from the state hospital) advice started to replay in my mind: eliminate any expectations of her making anything of herself as she cannot be stable enough for any type of consistency, expect frequent hospitalizations, increased si, dx changes etc. very self defeating, I know. However, this needed to happen as I haven't really addressed any of it constantly trying to think on the bright side to combat the anger, the frustration... .  life goes on right?

Tuesday, my mom's dog went into labor... .  This forced me to take a timeout and sit with my thoughts while watching and helping her. The last litter I had was 22 months ago - I quit as d15 was very jealous over them... .  it hurt her deeply that my focus was on a whelping dog. I tried to reason I was only producing 2 litters a year, this was for me to stay in touch with the outside world etc. So I decided to take an extended 4 yr break to allow dd15 to mature. DS11, missed having puppies around from time to time yet sided with dd15's perception that it was all wrong of me to do. Still yearning for that connection, I started show training once a week for an hour to get away ... .  even that was too much. So I threw in the towel and placed my best girl with a trusted breeder friend with the promise that I will get that line back once I am ready to take this on again... .  We went from 6 dogs to 2 (one for my foundation for a last chance saving the line and the other dd15 said was her dog so I couldn't place her) almost overnight. Then we took over my parents place and I inherited their 4 dogs until they can get stable enough to take them back... .  One passed away just after Thanksgiving due to old age (lived to be 20 yrs.) Then we received another to recondition and rehome in a more suitable home (major trust issues) if only I can spend the time to do it. Unfortunately, being consumed with dd15's crisis it still hasn't happened a year later. Two months ago I took in a male from my last litter as his "mom" was having a lot of medical issues and couldn't care for him anymore... .  3 days later I was off transporting dd15 to rtc to come back to discover we are expecting an unexpected litter - I was only gone for 24 hrs! However I didn't react - couldn't... .  whats done is done and can't change it.

Thinking about all this - re evaluating and coming to really believe (not just saying it) no matter what I did it would have been too much for dd15 yet it was the only thing she had against me as I wasn't working, didn't socialize with friends, wasn't dating - I allowed myself to become secluded all in the name of helping my kids... .  giving dd15 control over what I can/cannot do. This needs to stop - I need to reclaim this... .  something I enjoy, something that gives me peace, something to plan and look forward to. All of a sudden, a huge wave of contentment washed over me as I handled the puppies, reassured the mom,  took notes on presentation, birth weights etc.

Five beautiful puppies were born... .  a huge litter for her. Three boys and two girls. To smell that sweet puppy breath again is indescribable. I called my mom to let her know how it all went - she asked if its possible we have a keeper as her girl lost her partner in crime and when they take her back she will be the only inside dog... .  alone. I assured her its definitely a possibility if that's what she wants to do. Later, I just sat mesmerized by them... .  no thoughts just taking in the serenity.

Wednesday, I admitted to dd15's T I am having a hard time trusting she is changing and not just doing what she does best: taking on others perceptions to keep up with her pretending "game". She is a master at manipulation showing what we want to see and we fall prey to her trap believing the deception only to repeat over and over again... .  I am afraid and unsure how to handle it. I have accepted the fact she is sick, she si's, is unstable- I validate everything she throws at me clinging onto the hope she will find her inner strength somehow. T admitted without the case notes, going over my descriptions and seeing for herself exactly what I described she wouldn't have believed any of it as she presents herself as very capable, responsible, intelligent... .  a "normal" happy teen - quite confusing. For our meeting, we discussed how she is reframing her thoughts on her own, how good she is doing, started to plan our first face to face visit in early March. She didn't like the fact I am bringing ds11 instead of ds4 with me not understanding the damage she has done to him, why he refuses any interaction etc. I generalized their relationship then stressed to them both this needs to happen before she comes home.

After the meeting, we had an opportunity to take an extra personal call for this week. I told her about some of the changes at home, some plans to redecorate and eventually the litter. She immediately, told me we are not keeping any of the pups and I need to get rid of all the dogs except hers. I calmly asked her what are you doing? she quickly apologized and I thanked her then I told her she isn't going to dictate what I do - I need this for me then proceeded to outline my plans of placing the 2 "extra's" then adopting 3 males in the next year to restart my breeding program in 2 yrs and I am returning to the classes to try and get my foundation girl titled in the meantime. I value her opinion and feelings about this however,she has no say in it - this is going to happen. She told me that she see's I need this, understands and is proud of me for standing my ground... .  taking back my life.

I am still doubtful there is any real progress being made especially with the recent increase of lamictal (at 150 mg now) however, the FOG is lifting and the confusion is gone at the moment. I can immerse myself in this new found peace and resolve to actually start enjoying life again for today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

mom - great work in taking a stand for your needs with you DD15 on the personal call. Remember that you will have visits before she comes home.

Have you talked with the rtc about the impact on your son's? You sound hesitant in this post - like they are very invalidating of your experiences. Can you share a little more about this side of things again?

You seem to have come to some resolution of things in your mind writing this post. I do this alot and it so helps me. Sometimes I don't get as many replies when I kind of figure it out for myself as I go - we are here reading and appreciate you courage in sharing this with us.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

I'm here. I'm reading and thinking. I'm proud of you taking a stand. I'm hoping it is working. I know there'll be backward steps too.

i'm with you,

Vivek    

[momontherun]

Thanks qcarolr, Vivek  and all who follow this - writing is helping me process it all and reinforces my thoughts which leads to actions. I have been distant the last few days to really deal with some of this instead of continually do... .  When I was done posting I couldn't escape the feeling of "love comes from unexpected places" and coming here is a form of love - I just wanted to share - "to be heard" and understood by those that know all too well what I am going through  

The program she is in is a step down/transition place... .  weekly calls and face to face visit every 3 months. The next step is a trial week home visit and more calls ie. dd15 could visit in April and be home for good in July - of course it all depends on her which reinforces my beliefs of personal  responsibility... .  each time she breaks the rules, she is that much further away. They are really careful on recommending getting moved up the ladder to ensure participation. Before she went we estimated at least a year based on her downward spiral, a few days reprieve then back down again... .  in 2.5 months she only si'ed once although before her hospitalization she could go months in between.

Actually today was the first I elaborated on ds11. I mentioned it before how he is relaxing now, going to anger management groups at school and finally agreed to participate in counseling. I had to point out to dd15 that until she turned 10yrs old ds11 was her "baby" taking pride in helping me teach him basic things like a second mom and he truly looked up to her - their bond was incredible. Then all of a sudden many changes happened at once - their dad passed, we lost our home, I quit working and was pregnant with ds4... .  each on their own was enough to create chaos let alone it all happening within days apart from each other. DS11 took all of it just as hard as she did except she wasn't losing her place in the family like he did - no longer "the baby". Then the secretive attacks and put downs towards him started from her, comparisons how she was handling everything and he should be more like her from my parents, my focus on establishing what to do and planning for ds4. Then his bed wetting and nightmares started which just gave her more ammunition against him. He started to retaliate verbally and if it didn't hurt her like it did him then he would lose his temper and lash out. Where she is secretive, he is in your face. Not understanding the level of her attacks, he would get in trouble and I tried teaching him how to defuse his anger. Then he started distancing himself from her as he couldn't do anything right in her eyes which hurt him immensely. He would make "jokes" calling himself harsh names - better coming from him than her I guess and I would try to build him up which he didn't believe any of it. After a couple years her secretive attacks were no longer secret and very malicious, extremely hurtful. Unfortunately, he continues to believe all of it. Loving his sister at a distance he would follow her around to see what she was up to to alert me when she was putting herself in harms way which created more verbal attacks against him. When her behaviors escalated he was afraid of what she will do, angry at me for giving her increasingly more attention... .  he felt alone and misunderstood. Since she has been gone, the nightmares have disappeared, the bed wetting is rapidly decreasing from every night to 1-2 times a month and we are working on undoing all the distortions in his mind she created... .  he is starting to laugh, use his imagination, hang out with his buddies and not take everything so seriously/personally. I don't blame him for protecting himself by keeping his distance, not trusting her sincerity, constantly being on guard... .  its going to take time. I feel he needs to come and we need to work on this face to face while she is there so he can retreat and process his own thoughts and feelings in a safe place. DD15 said she understands why its needed for him to come. T says she thinks its a good time to start working on their relationship... .  one step ahead, as usual   

I don't perceive (or think I do) as her T being invalidating as much as not prepared for my focus, level of understanding, willingness to change and acceptance.  At the same time, during our family meetings she is in the room with dd15 able to "read" her, make notes of some issues in our talks for their one on one sessions to further explore/clarify. The whole treatment team has been wonderful willing to answer any question, share information, really listen to whats worked/hasn't worked etc. I find this very validating even if its not said - I guess its just knowing they are doing what they can for her allowing me to focus on myself, ds11 and ds4 while keeping me "in the loop" and a part of her treatment.

However, I did start being hesitant going into more detail as I realized my post was getting longer and longer plus it still hurts especially how dd15 seems to be saying what she thinks we want to hear like last week for example: She was informing me of her distancing herself away from the negative girls and she was really proud of herself. I told her she sounds proud I am a little confused though - how is she accomplishing this? She said by ignoring them especially when they put her down or makes stuff up about her. I asked how she could handle it if that approach didn't work? I feel if we talk about it and have a plan on how to deal with something before it happens - when it happens we know exactly what to do or try. Both dd15 and T agreed.  So I continued to explain that most disputes in relationships seems to come out of no where especially close ones and most of those disputes come from misunderstandings. However, in the teen world girls are vicious to each other trying to one up to feel better, are exploring who they are and stuff. We all have our own ways of dealing with things when things go   wrong or get overwhelmed so being social creatures many reach out to others. I am very proud of you distancing yourself and it seems to be working for now however, that isn't always going to work especially in close relationships as it could be taken as a rejection and that hurts right? DD15 said well then i'll give advice then I became hesitant in agreeing as she really doesn't come up with proactive solutions but didn't want to mention it shutting down the conversation. She "guessed" again well then I will listen to them, give them distance and advice ... .  again me being hesitant in agreeing yet said that could work then what? Her voice tensed up and said well what? what do I do? I don't know the answer your looking for! Calmly, I explained honey, it all depends on the person you are dealing with some just want to be heard, some want advice while others want to be left alone. So when we see someone we are close to having a hard time we ask whats going on? then its no longer in our hands- its up to them to decide to vent, be left alone or whatever it is they think they need like with ds11 wants to be left alone and has to be busy for deep discussions, granny wants to vent and gain a different perspective and Auntie R wants advice and/or help to just name a few- there is no quick one size fits all solution which is exactly what I am hearing you are trying to do by distancing which leads to seclusion leading to negative thoughts leading to si. dd15 agreed and asked so this was a test? I admitted kind of yet I see it more as an exploration to see where your thought process is. The T told her its great to have a plan, your mom is trying to get you to think this through. There is no right or wrong answer here which then dd15 went on the defensive how good she was doing and I needed to believe her etc. The T interjected and advised we can explore more of this in our one to one meeting - Great work guys! So I thought this weeks call was important for her to brag about herself, admitted to thinking about si then reframing it before the impulse was so strong to act on it, making plans to look forward to as incentive to continue her progress and give me a chance to build her up with lots of validation - I wasn't going to tell her of plans with the dogs yet it just came out when she started trying to control and dictate what I can/cannot do. Needless to say, she didn't call me today like she has been on Thursdays- I was hoping although I knew not to expect it.

[lbjnltx]

Greetings motr,

I am happy to read the progress that you have made... .  the realization that no matter how much you sacrificed of yourself, planned life around your d, tried to protect her from herself... .  it doesn't make her well.

I was wondering as I read about the phone call regarding how your d is dealing with the negative influence of the other girls ... .  what accountability tools does this RTC have in place?  What basic skills do they teach?  Validation, boundaries, taking self time?  Do the girls mentor one another?  Does the "regular staff" follow the same plan in dealing with the girls and use the same verbiage to reinforce these accountability tools/skills?

Are you and your d learning the same skills at the same time to improve your relationship and personal well being?

There are many questions here... .  if you don't know the answers it may be a good time to find out.  It is important to make the best use of the time she is in treatment to make the most progress possible... .  of course.

We are here to help.

 

lbj

[vivekananda]

What a minefield taking with our kids can be. You feel comfortable with your conversation with your dd and appreciate her need to 'pay out' by not ringing on Thurs. Sounds positive to me. Phew it's hard though.

I feel sorry for your dd to be so defensive to think it's a 'test'. Poor dear girl, life is so hard for them. I can hear her trying. I can hear her linking her emotions to her thoughts and how hard it is.

sending all your family positive vibes today, keeping you in my mind,

Vivek    

[momontherun]

Greetings motr,

I am happy to read the progress that you have made... .  the realization that no matter how much you sacrificed of yourself, planned life around your d, tried to protect her from herself... .  it doesn't make her well.

Absolutely! It was hard for me to understand I was doing more harm to her in the long run and she processes things different than everyone else I am used to being around.

I was wondering as I read about the phone call regarding how your d is dealing with the negative influence of the other girls ... .  what accountability tools does this RTC have in place?  What basic skills do they teach?  Validation, boundaries, taking self time?  :)o the girls mentor one another?  :)oes the "regular staff" follow the same plan in dealing with the girls and use the same verbiage to reinforce these accountability tools/skills?

Are you and your d learning the same skills at the same time to improve your relationship and personal well being?

The whole set up is there are 11-12 girls in each group called "teams". Each team has a T for one on ones and family therapy and 3-4 adult mentors they call "coaches" to work directly with each team. The team each girl is assigned to depends on what their issue's are trying to match them up according to their individual goals. There are 4 cottages where up to 3 teams reside in. The breakdown for each girl is individual goals, team goals then cottage goals giving lots of structure (certain things allowed at certain times), guidance (what are your goals for today, how can they be met) and encouragement (your doing great! Look how far you've come- how could we do this differently). Each of these goals the T recommends are gone over by the coaches with them (altogether and separately) and checked in with again for reinforcement withthe T in weekly one on ones so everyone stays on the same page. From time to time an individual goal will change depending on their individual progress or lack thereof... .  if there are many changes to make them unsuitable for a cottage or certain team they will be moved and assigned different coaches yet still have the same T with the goal of making that team again.

This is all done and tracked by "recommendations" based on all the current goals... .  it takes all 3 coaches and T to sign off on. They do this every 2 weeks and make their own notes why/why not to go over with her, evaluate her goals and continue with positive reinforcement (look how far you've come), encouragement (set backs are ok lets try this again) and continue to provide direction (how can we help you - what do you need from us to get you there).  Once a month, the whole panel gets together (all the above plus Pdoc and teachers ) and goes over her treatment plan, what is working and whats not to submit a copy to medicaid and me. The skills taught and reinforced in each team are: positive self concept, accepting rules, being truthful, self - determination, taking responsibility, care/concern for self and others, control of anger/emotions, empathy and living sober.

There are 8 levels: Investment (lowest - complete separation from all other girls), Orientation (to learn and follow the guidelines/rules), Team (work on group stuff and start individual), Advanced Team (reinforce individual and group), Achievement (home visits, bridging individual and home), Advanced Achievement (reinforce individual and home), Senior (start transitioning), Advanced Senior (full transition home). From start to finish it could take as little as 5 weeks to go through all the levels... .  this depends on each girl's progress and the severity of issues.

The girls on the higher levels are encouraged to mentor the girls on the lower levels while maintaining and meeting their goals to get them ready for their transition out by helping them learn the structure and feel accepted. Now many girls try to do this before they are ready and get caught up in drama - in this case they look at the severity (how much of this is holding them back?), redirect them to their goals, discuss how they can do this differently, move them if necessary and have the girls that don't get along take turns going to school and groups until they can agree to disagree if necessary.

There are different behavioral management levels depending on each cottage however they are mainly: Class 1 - a minor  infraction and warning (failure to show self care, chores swearing etc.) Each infraction if any, are gone over in weekly team meetings so everyone is aware and can encourage each other. Class 2 - A clear violation  of team values or destructive (loss of temper, setting up a peer, nonphysical refusal to comply, borrowing, defacing property, 3 or more class 1's in a week etc.). Each infraction if any, are gone over in weekly team meetings for awareness and which privileges are suspended on free-time. Class 3- Serious violation of team values, endangerment of peers or staff or significant damage to any type of property (fighting, vandalism, lying, stealing, threats or intimidation etc.). If caught "red handed" the girl is told to pack up her belongings and is moved to investment for a week... .  If one is told on an investigation is done to ensure it actually happened if valid: the girl is told to pack up her belongings and is moved to investment for a week. If invalid: the "teller" is given a Class2. Class 4- The most serious infractions (sex acts, major assault, si) The girl is moved to investment for 2 weeks. Class 5- Run away from the school somehow (its a very secure place - each separate area is locked down and only opened up depending which are  needed for the day so you don't feel locked down) This gets you sent to their separate hospital for complete lock down and worked with until they are stable enough to go back to the program.

The girls are encouraged to give themselves a voluntary time out which could be sitting in a chair or removal to a room to cool down and process.If the individual girl cannot be de-escalated they may be put in an empty seclusion room under continual direct observation being documented on actions, cooling down times etc. If any of these take place this is gone over in the one on one T sessions to hear the girls side, explore what could have been done differently and add a basic goal to work on to keep this from happening again. The Pdoc goes over all these notes, discusses with the girl how the feel/opinion etc and makes adjustments to medication as necessary obtaining permission from their guardian first, answer any questions, adjust diagnosis' etc.

All the girls get an opportunity to earn an allowance- the amount and frequency depends on their level grades and status which is billed to the parents... .  They also have an opportunity to work for wages to save up for an activity on the higher levels and/or reimburse them for property damage they caused ie. dd15 broke a light bulb and si'ed this got her a Class 4 (a total restart in the program and temporarile seclusion from the other girls in the investment cottage). Once she did the worksheets and discussed them with staff and her T she was able to go back to her team cottage. In her free-time she got to pick from 3 jobs she would like to perform to pay for the light bulb and couldn't advance until doing this and completing orientation again.  

[lbjnltx]

That is a very detailed explanation (wouldn't expect any less from you motr! )

It appears to be a levels/behavior modification program... .  ?

What I was inquiring about are the skills. 

Do they work on correcting thinking errors?

Learning coping skills like achieving wisemind, understanding boundaries as they relate to self image and relationships w/peers/boys/parents.

Self soothing skills such as those taught in DBT.

Positive self image

How do you see that she is changing who she is... .  not just what she does.  I know you  expressed some concern that she is just mirroring and not really owning any new way of being.  Do you and your d work on the same skills during the same time frame to go over together during phone t?  This really helped us a great deal to stay connected and work through issues as a family.

[momontherun]

oh I wasn't done posting - it just got too long for its own post and I had to run to the store

Oh yes it is a levels/behavior/step program using all cbt skills instead of telling them, guiding them to reach their own conclusions, finding their own power so change can be real. DD15's T took my lead in validation seeing how it works much better for her to be receptive rather than simply empathizing and "coaching" Not all the staff are able to validate her (not knowing how, afraid of attachment etc.) and that's ok as not everyone is going to do it - those that try without meaning it she see's right through them and becomes distrusting which is an obstacle in itself... .  Here is the continuation of that post detailing what they are doing for dd15 and how its being achieved:

There is a very long "laundry" list of things that she is currently working on (and many of it goes and in hand) - Once a month it is adjusted - taking away or adding on depending on what gets uncovered and/or obstacles for self realizations:

showing a stable mood in day to day interactions: daily goals she sets for herself to accomplish for  the day

deal with emotions without acting on them - si: examine her thoughts and find ways she can safely express herself and how her emotions change her perception.

express her emotions in a more positive manner to improve self esteem: examine how her emotions control her and what she can do about it, set limits with herself

develop a sense of self: set limits with her peers, examine how she adopts others personalities to "fit" in

keep communication open with me to improve our relationship: discussing her realizations,thoughts etc.

assertive with peers: Set limits and be upfront with peers: explore how she can do this in a safe non violent way.

improve insight into her behaviors and their barriers: examine how this affects others, explore her black/white thinking along with possible grey areas

identify values important in her life: examine what she holds most important to help establish limits for herself and others

The first step however was waiting for her to be ready, build trust they can help her, accept she does need help. etc. So the first thing they did was monitor her actions, behaviors and how she presented herself giving her time and space to go through her motions "feeling them out". The only thing she was doing for her first 3 weeks there was picking up after herself, reading, school work and learning their rules. At the same time, staff would continue to encourage her for her daily accomplishments, build her up with comments like "your an amazing artist" , "many girls that get here aren't as receptive as you are" etc., warnings "there is a lot of drama here please be cautious to not get caught up in it - you are more than this" etc. She did a lot of watching the other girls and would refrain from interacting with any of them being very cautious and on guard. She heard a couple of the other girls talking smack about another one and tried to tell them to stop which they continued and escalated their attacks.  One of the girls from the higher up levels took her under her wing to answer any questions and try to reassure her its ok and she isn't alone encouraging her she can get through this. DD15 admired this girl starting to enmesh with her this just got her angry and very sad yet able to empathize this girl had been there for 1.5 yrs, had come so far and tried to be happy for her... .  continuing to stuff her emotions. Of course, staff saw this whole interaction and worked with her to explore how she felt and what she could do about it then allow her within reason to use her coping skills like journaling and drawing.

DD15 started to withdraw again saying the coping skills were stupid, she isn't doing anything but eating, sleeping and doing her school work online becoming bored. They suggested she start the coursework like the other girls and drop the online classes but she rejected this altogether so they compromised 50/50. Then her birthday and Christmas came getting very homesick feeling abandoned and alone. I had to keep reinforcing it was her actions that brought us to this point and it will have to be her actions that bring her home as I don't know what else to do. Due to Christmas, there were no meetings for a week and they brought in 3 new staff members... .  all the girls tested their limits with them (lots of acting out - a couple cottage lock downs etc), some ratted others out to the more strict staff etc. The new staff members distanced themselves while they learned the routines, the girls rebelled etc. This led dd15 to latch onto a couple girls that were new just like her to show them the ropes like the one girl did for her. Of course, now she was admired so some of the others would get her to do things for them like passing notes, asking so and so to hook up etc. This set her up to get into trouble after their investigations, admit what her part of it all was and what she could of done differently. She admitted she was scared to not do as the others wanted because then she would be rejected and again felt alone.

Right after that they started her in a drug and alcohol group again she withdrew listening to everyone. The group leader made it clear to her they felt she wasn't addicted to drugs as much as she is a people pleasure and that in itself is an addiction. Then she went into a rage and si'ed struggling (after one of the new girls started talking badly about her) with herself and was removed from her cottage going into one where there were more staff, more structure and careful watching while continuing to build her up, discussing her progress and making it ok she "messed" up - its natural. I started to practice validation with her which allowed her defenses to go down and be more receptive to the whole process. Of course, she had to prove she was in a better state of mind by her daily actions being removed from schoolwork and her group - giving herself goals with the help from staff, rating herself how she thought she did and getting positive feedback then reinforced in her one on one's being encouraged to enlighten me and exploring her perceptions with lots of encouragement and continued validation... .  she wanted to continue to do this daily instead of weekly and do she does. This opened her up to start participating in the group, coming to acceptance of her limitations etc.

Once she started participating in this she was ready to start her art therapy group looking into her subconscious, self expression, working through feelings and interpretations while creating, learning new art skills, how to use this as a coping skill more effectively and have fun... .  DD15 loves this group and was given her own additional goal here to create 3 pictures of anything she wants using the amount of shadows she is facing that week then explain the reasoning behind each one. 

Two weeks ago they started her in DBT ... .  right now learning what BPD is. They were going to wait on this one until she works in her other groups a little bit longer however, I let them know I was starting the Family Connections group and so they put her in it so we can be on the same page in our family meetings. There are other groups that she can go into depending what she displays she needs to work through like trauma, anger management etc.

Of course, there will be contracts to make and implement at home to keep the structure she needs, going to therapy and staying on track. Once she comes home for good, there are periodic check ins for us to do separately, together and with the new T and Pdoc's to ensure she stays on track, fully implementing all this (0hopefully on her own). If she starts to deteriorate at any time in the first year (I thought it was 6 months) and it cannot be corrected at home then she is to go back to work through the program again as a means to keep her out of the hospitals. Her T did tell me when a girl such as dd15 comes into the program its pretty rare they don't come back for a short visit in that time frame.

DD15 says she feels relieved, hasn't truly felt this happy in a very long time like she can finally breathe and wants to do one on one and family therapy everyday. While I appreciate this is where she feels she is at I don't think its very realistic, she is setting herself up again etc which continues my distrust she is not "pretending" to get to her ultimate goal... .  to come home.

What a minefield taking with our kids can be. You feel comfortable with your conversation with your dd and appreciate her need to 'pay out' by not ringing on Thurs. Sounds positive to me. Phew it's hard though.

I feel sorry for your dd to be so defensive to think it's a 'test'. Poor dear girl, life is so hard for them. I can hear her trying. I can hear her linking her emotions to her thoughts and how hard it is.

It is hard however very much needed to empower herself ... .  have some control where she feels she doesn't have any. So I am not taking it personally. Going over all of this has reminded me how lost she is, how hard she is trying and I am being too hard on her in my thoughts not fully appreciating how much progress she has actually made... .  6 months ago she had no problem - everyone in her life makes her do the things she does, acts the way she does etc - I suppose in a way, she was right.   

[vivekananda]

Gee motr. What is there to say except that is all so scary to me. I admire your strength to see your dd in that situation. I admire your dd for her stamina in continuing to try.

I had never heard of rtc's till here. Of course with my dd32 it's all a different ballgame. Your posts have given me insight into a totally different world. And I am sad for you. Of rtc's I know nothing - but I am here for you.

sending you so much best wishes,

Vivek    

[momontherun]

Thank you Vivek    This is an all new world to me as well - I mean I have heard of them but haven't actually known anyone go to one. It took 3 months and 2 rejections from all 4 rtc's here that are the level 5  (1 out patient - 6 state hospital) that she needs before I agreed an even then it was due to having no other choice if I want to keep her alive. So I had to force myself to let her go so she could grow, go to the state psychiatry board, reinforce to her I am taking her there out of love not rejection and hopefully when she is able to come back home with new skills/insight, the services we do have will be enough... .  i'll wait to cross that bridge if/when it isn't.

DD15 doesn't want any of this anymore than I do - she is just as confused and scared. She is giving it her all to "fix" and change... .  I see that now and am trying to trust she is as I let go and uphold my promise to her that we are in this together determined to meet her half way into her world and she mine.

I don't think I would have made it this far without you guys, the wonderful resources, questions to look at/re-examine, guidance, validation and love.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello motr,

The world of RTC is a big world... .  like a parallel universe that exists outside of our reality.

When we become "aware" it gets added to our list of choices for care... .  

For our d and our family it was a choice we could make as my d was not in life/death situations... .  no serious SI or suicide attempts.  When push comes to shove, when we have exhausted all other options, then we open our reality to this parallel universe then we are glad for it's existance. 


As your d begins the process of transitioning towards home, push will come to shove once more as she applies what she has learned in RTC to the "real world".  I  have no doubts that you will be ready to support her through this transitioning process and hold her accountable for using her skills.

Let us know how to support you in doing that... .  we will remind you to take care of self every step of the way. 

 

lbj

[momontherun]

Thanks lbjntltx - Our journey has just begun so to speak, so it will be awhile yet before she even comes home for a visit... .  just something to look forward to, remind myself of to keep focused/going, reassure dd15 to keep going/things are changing, work with ds11 and raise ds4 "normally" like everything is A-ok (alright maybe not but I am giving it my best shot  ). 

There are many things we need to work on as a family in the meantime: creating a validating environment, values based limits - willing to negotiate some, twisted thinking, clear the FOG (or at least develop fog lights), communicate more effectively and build self esteem to name a few - I am sure there are/will be more to add to this list as I continue to take inventory... .  slowly yet surely.

When it gets closer to dd15 to come home (may not be for 6 months or a year or so? change for all of us takes time - we didn't get here overnight) hopefully we can be healthier all the way around. I just need to split it all up into manageable baby steps like I do with my house work and not lose myself again in the unending questions wallowing in "fortune telling" an negativity. Its already made a difference just knowing you all are out there, I am not alone and reading/sometimes responding to others ... .  reminders, listening/reading, questions, cheer leading and a kick in the butt now an then is the best way ya'll can continue to give support     

[vivekananda]

hi momontherun,

don't foget this is an optimal time for your dd to get this help.

As an adolescent she is culling her neural pathways from her amydal to her prefrontal pathways, but her treatment there will help to strengthen those neural pathways so she can develop her 'wise mind'.

You are setting into place those things required to bring on a rosier future. We live in the present 

Cheers,

Vivek