Moving on (?), and still concerned

[wdone]

I haven't heard from my "bf"/"exbf" since the beginning of Jan, when he had an intense mental breakdown and called crisis.  I texted initially here and there, and all I heard back was that he no longer cares about his things and that i can sell them if i want.

i've been having some grief and some crying/missing him, but i feel more detached and at more of a bottom.  i've been opening myself up to the idea of dating.  (I feel i've been grieving--and waiting--for 5 years)... .  

the thing is that i do love him, despite feeling more ready to let go of how we were in a way, and i am very concerned.  i've been feeling worried.  i don't know if he has moved home, is drinking and isolating  in his basement apartment, is in the hospital, or for that matter, if he is still alive.  i honestly don't know if i would find out if something happened for a long time. he is so "fringy" with everyone in his life and disappears so often.  no one would notice or think anything for a while, if he did disappear.

i want to have a boundary and protect myself and keep "moving on" even though it is so hard, but i want to see if he's ok... .  i want him to know i am here for him... .  (but am i?--to my detriment?), to let him know he's not  alone.

i don't want to be co-dependent, but i want to be there.

when i cut my exbf off 10 years ago (different man), he drank himself to death, and i STILL have regret--i know, it wasn't "my fault", but i was not there for him when he begged me to be before he died. 

i guess i am terrified the same thing will happen.

and he has threatened suicide many time... .  

i am torn. i am worried, i feel guilty for not being there, and yet--he has disappeared again... .  

and don't get me wrong--i am still having a slight bit of hope that he's getting the treatment he needs... that he will stabilize and come back... but i am more feeling like he may not, and trying to move on. 

just care, and am worried. i keep saying 'there is nothing i can do" but is that really true?

[HarmKrakow]

I haven't heard from my "bf"/"exbf" since the beginning of Jan, when he had an intense mental breakdown and called crisis.  I texted initially here and there, and all I heard back was that he no longer cares about his things and that i can sell them if i want.

i've been having some grief and some crying/missing him, but i feel more detached and at more of a bottom.  i've been opening myself up to the idea of dating.  (I feel i've been grieving--and waiting--for 5 years)... .  

the thing is that i do love him, despite feeling more ready to let go of how we were in a way, and i am very concerned.  i've been feeling worried.  i don't know if he has moved home, is drinking and isolating  in his basement apartment, is in the hospital, or for that matter, if he is still alive.  i honestly don't know if i would find out if something happened for a long time. he is so "fringy" with everyone in his life and disappears so often.  no one would notice or think anything for a while, if he did disappear.

i want to have a boundary and protect myself and keep "moving on" even though it is so hard, but i want to see if he's ok... .  i want him to know i am here for him... .  (but am i?--to my detriment?), to let him know he's not  alone.

i don't want to be co-dependent, but i want to be there.

when i cut my exbf off 10 years ago (different man), he drank himself to death, and i STILL have regret--i know, it wasn't "my fault", but i was not there for him when he begged me to be before he died. 

i guess i am terrified the same thing will happen.

and he has threatened suicide many time... .  

i am torn. i am worried, i feel guilty for not being there, and yet--he has disappeared again... .  

and don't get me wrong--i am still having a slight bit of hope that he's getting the treatment he needs... that he will stabilize and come back... but i am more feeling like he may not, and trying to move on. 

just care, and am worried. i keep saying 'there is nothing i can do" but is that really true?

1) If he has BPD, there is nothing you can do, because you don't have it under your control. 'It' has him under control.

2) I would first take care your of yourself, mentally, as you seem in the post you are writing here, far from stable enough to start dating again, especially since last contact was beginning January and you don't know if he might contact you again while you are dating while yourself, you aren't far enough yet in detachment stages. All I feel is purely more 'bumpy stones' along the head if you would pursue something like that.

But hey, thats just my 2 cents

[wdone]

harmkrakow, thanks

my friends all think it'd be GREAT if i was dating someone else when he comes back.   it's been 6years of pain and they've all seen it. they beg me to date.

also, my bf DID break it off. alas, he has broken it off 1000 times, but just to be clear, he did.

i don't think i'll ever "be over him." i could wait 10 years.  so, dating is, i think, the most healthy thing i can do right now... .  

just my 2 cents  

i appreciate yours

[HarmKrakow]

harmkrakow, thanks

my friends all think it'd be GREAT if i was dating someone else when he comes back.   it's been 6years of pain and they've all seen it. they beg me to date.

also, my bf DID break it off. alas, he has broken it off 1000 times, but just to be clear, he did.

i don't think i'll ever "be over him." i could wait 10 years.  so, dating is, i think, the most healthy thing i can do right now... .  

just my 2 cents  

i appreciate yours

What my friends and shrink are telling me is just purely the opposite  . First make sure you got your own stuff on the appropriate road of mental recovery and that you are, maybe not completely over someone, but at least quite far! And that you have re-established your boundaries, and that you have regained mental strength in your head to make sure that 1) you don't fall back in a rebound 2) are being able to spot  quicker and 3) that you don't get your self mixed up in falling heads over love with someone again ... purely because you seek the miss you had out of a previous relationship which just ended a month(!) ago ... as that should never be the core reason to go back to dating.

Plus ... dating on such a short term notice will compare everybody to a previous BPD ... and if you haven't detached yourself from BPD properly yet (as ive been told) you might likely compare it to the previous BPD relationship, something you will seek in a new partner and maybe therefore ending up in either another BPD relationship or pulling off to quickly.

[wdone]

good points... .  

it didn't end a month ago. ended long before that.  i don't even know if it ever really started.  may sound weird but i think people on here get it.--

there's been no intimacy (only fleeting) for a long long time, on all levels and getting less and less.  

like i said, i won't be over him... .  just like i'm not "over" my ex who died.

[HarmKrakow]

good points... .  

it didn't end a month ago. ended long before that.  i don't even know if it ever really started.  may sound weird but i think people on here get it.--

there's been no intimacy (only fleeting) for a long long time, on all levels and getting less and less.  

like i said, i won't be over him... .  just like i'm not "over" my ex who died.

I get your point And yeah ... if the official split was months and months ago i can understand it more

And the question if it ever really started ... good question ... it's the same whether or not they truly loved you ... and many more of those. Can all be throwed at the same pile.  I do of course wish you best of luck. I wouldnt be able to start dating so quickly because I know, even if its just a few months after a split I wouldnt be ready for another real relationship.

[wdone]

i don't think there will ever be an official split.  he will always come back, i am pretty sure.  i need to make it official, but he is MIA again and never lets me. i may sell his stuff, as he suggested. even if he was split and may not mean it later. 

i am going to go very, very slow with the dating thing...

[Grey Kitty]

good points... .  

it didn't end a month ago. ended long before that.  i don't even know if it ever really started.  may sound weird but i think people on here get it.--

there's been no intimacy (only fleeting) for a long long time, on all levels and getting less and less.  

like i said, i won't be over him... .  just like i'm not "over" my ex who died.

Sounds like tough times for you... .  hope you are happier soon.

"When did it end?"

That is a tough question, and there are different ways to answer it for yourself:

When did the actual relationship between two people end? ("I don't even know if it ever really started"

When did YOUR interest in him end? (i.e. the relationship in your mind) end? ("I won't be over him"

The second question is much more useful for you!

[wdone]

good points... .  

it didn't end a month ago. ended long before that.  i don't even know if it ever really started.  may sound weird but i think people on here get it.--

there's been no intimacy (only fleeting) for a long long time, on all levels and getting less and less.  

like i said, i won't be over him... .  just like i'm not "over" my ex who died.

Sounds like tough times for you... .  hope you are happier soon.

"When did it end?"

That is a tough question, and there are different ways to answer it for yourself:

When did the actual relationship between two people end? ("I don't even know if it ever really started"

When did YOUR interest in him end? (i.e. the relationship in your mind) end? ("I won't be over him"

The second question is much more useful for you!

did my interest in him end?... .  i don't know... .  my interest in dealing with this craziness and verbal abuse and disappearing ended recently.  i love him. i miss him.  my interest in *him* didn't end... .