I think I got myself in a jam

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Ya'll,

I've been NC with BPDbf for a couple months.  Been reading and learning and have prety much accepted the fact that this is not a r/s I can deal with.  I do not want to develop the solid steel skills and fortitude to be his emotional caretaker, and I do not like the idea of my life with him being empty of honest and meaningful connection.   While some people may choose that and are up for the job, I do not have the emotional strength or personality for that. 

I should have left things alone, but I texted on Sunday and and asked him how he was doing.  I guess I thought I was ready to move forward and I wanted to get this monkey off my back-him hating me and to give myself some closure on our strange r/s dissolution.  I still love him but know we cannot work together. 

Immediately, I received a response, "Hey!  How are you!  Amazing that you text'd, because I was just thinking about you!"  Already I felt the mania-he was never a chipper old fella, even when he was in a good mood.  I thought, oh geez, he's happy today.  Three happy texts later, he made an inappropriate sexual joke (not unusal for him) and I responded "I see you are feeling like your old self."  His response was curt and I knew I'd hit the button.  I followed up with humor but his response came 20 minutes later, "sorry-going out-have a great day." 

I received a long email that evening about how I was unloving, non-sexual, a disappointment, a waste of time, ungrateful, selfish, love everybody but him, didn't know how to show love, loved him but wasn't IN love with him, blamed him for everything but thought I was perfect, etc., and also how I was his perfect match, beautiful, loving, sweet and caring, sexual, the woman he belongs with, etc. 

I saw the disorder, the confusion, so clearly.  With my baby knowledge of BPD, I could go back and see how this whole interaction had caused him grief and I am sorry that I started it.  I felt like I had just toyed with a child and it made me feel bad!  So I responded with a very, very apologetic letter and literally said I was sorry about 18 times in validating places to ease him.  (And I really am sorry, it wasn't just words.)  I also told him that I loved him and thought he could be a great guy and I wanted him to be happy and find the love that he wanted. 

He responded back that he was touched my honest, truthful and heartfelt letter (but wow! all those apologies and he accepted all of them without a touch of "maybe I could have done this differently too... .  "  and that he wanted to be with me more than anything but I would have to treat him better, learn to be more loving, respectful, and--agree to a joint bank account--that he would not accept being treated any less than what he deserved.  Now I know this is not really the case, we've been through 9 rounds of recycle hell and back again and I am absolutely certain that we could never work-although I do love him and care about him, I just can't go back in.  My mindset is different now, I see it all differently. 

So now I feel really guilty and bad that I've "popped up," and although he might be out on a date right now (quite possible), and not thinking about me at all, I feel that I might have caused some confusion and doubt in his mind and started something I should not have.  This was a selfish thing on my part to relieve something in me and I recognize that.  I also feel that I lit a corner of my house on fire and wonder why I would do such an immature, foolish thing.  I feel ashamed of myself.  I was coming along along ok, posting, trying to help some others even, and now I do this. 

[pinkpeony]

Hi Ya'll,

I've been NC with BPDbf for a couple months.  Been reading and learning and have prety much accepted the fact that this is not a r/s I can deal with.  I do not want to develop the solid steel skills and fortitude to be his emotional caretaker, and I do not like the idea of my life with him being empty of honest and meaningful connection.   While some people may choose that and are up for the job, I do not have the emotional strength or personality for that. 

I should have left things alone, but I texted on Sunday and and asked him how he was doing.  I guess I thought I was ready to move forward and I wanted to get this monkey off my back-him hating me and to give myself some closure on our strange r/s dissolution.  I still love him but know we cannot work together. 

Immediately, I received a response, "Hey!  How are you!  Amazing that you text'd, because I was just thinking about you!"  Already I felt the mania-he was never a chipper old fella, even when he was in a good mood.  I thought, oh geez, he's happy today.  Three happy texts later, he made an inappropriate sexual joke (not unusal for him) and I responded "I see you are feeling like your old self."  His response was curt and I knew I'd hit the button.  I followed up with humor but his response came 20 minutes later, "sorry-going out-have a great day." 

I received a long email that evening about how I was unloving, non-sexual, a disappointment, a waste of time, ungrateful, selfish, love everybody but him, didn't know how to show love, loved him but wasn't IN love with him, blamed him for everything but thought I was perfect, etc., and also how I was his perfect match, beautiful, loving, sweet and caring, sexual, the woman he belongs with, etc. 

I saw the disorder, the confusion, so clearly.  With my baby knowledge of BPD, I could go back and see how this whole interaction had caused him grief and I am sorry that I started it.  I felt like I had just toyed with a child and it made me feel bad!  So I responded with a very, very apologetic letter and literally said I was sorry about 18 times in validating places to ease him.  (And I really am sorry, it wasn't just words.)  I also told him that I loved him and thought he could be a great guy and I wanted him to be happy and find the love that he wanted. 

He responded back that he was touched my honest, truthful and heartfelt letter (but wow! all those apologies and he accepted all of them without a touch of "maybe I could have done this differently too... .  "  and that he wanted to be with me more than anything but I would have to treat him better, learn to be more loving, respectful, and--agree to a joint bank account--that he would not accept being treated any less than what he deserved.  Now I know this is not really the case, we've been through 9 rounds of recycle hell and back again and I am absolutely certain that we could never work-although I do love him and care about him, I just can't go back in.  My mindset is different now, I see it all differently. 

So now I feel really guilty and bad that I've "popped up," and although he might be out on a date right now (quite possible), and not thinking about me at all, I feel that I might have caused some confusion and doubt in his mind and started something I should not have.  This was a selfish thing on my part to relieve something in me and I recognize that.  I also feel that I lit a corner of my house on fire and wonder why I would do such an immature, foolish thing.  I feel ashamed of myself.  I was coming along along ok, posting, trying to help some others even, and now I do this. 

[hithere]

As I just said in another thread, it sounds like your brain has it right now your heart needs to follow.

I think you are still hoping he will change, I think you still feel guilt.  I am also the same type as you, I was not willing to sacrifice my happiness to care for someone for the rest of my life.

Don't beat yourself up too badly, just hope you don't recycle again.  Every day is a new chance to start no contact.  Are you in therapy? If not then maybe start seeing someone so you can get over this hump.

good luck

[OTH]

and--agree to a joint bank account

I also feel that I lit a corner of my house on fire and wonder why I would do such an immature, foolish thing.

OK. So it happened. You apologized. You didn't set his house on fire. Cause a crippling injury. Take away his lunch money. It's over. What now?

He is an adult. He has problems. These problems are his to solve. These are things he sould be focused on. What are your problems right now? What should you be focused on?

[Changed4safety]

 

You and I are soul sisters!

Before I made the final break, I fear I really toyed with my ex.  I didn't want to, I just didn't know what I wanted--never have, now that I look back on things.  I didn't know myself, how could I know what I wanted?  It is so tempting to go back and reconnect and be kind... .  I am sure I will screw up a few more times myself. 

Clear and Patient was able, so far, to start up a renewed friendship with her ex, but ONLY after she had done the healing work and NC for herself, and ONLY because he was willing to show up in a way she could handle.  I don't think the rest of us can count on that. 

Forgive yourself.  You are only human, and your intentions were admirable.  Live, learn, move on. 

I write this in hopes that I will listen to myself!   

[Elsegundo]

Hey Pink:

Sorry you're feeling down.

I think that most of us here can relate to wanted to/actually reconnecting with our SO even while we are healing.  I know I did. 

It's ok to be imperfect, to make mistakes, to change your mind in your healing process.  At the end of the day, nothing really terrible happened, and both of you can take care of yourselves. 

Seems that it really is a good idea to spend time thinking about what you DO want from/with him and yourself too.  It's ok to take time to figure it out.  Or to even tell him that you care about him but are still healing right now and need space and time if you're just unsure of what to say.  It is also ok to tell him something else that reflects where you are, or nothing at all right now. 

Just try to take some time to be gentle with yourself, do something nice for yourself to quiet that part that's beating you up, and remember that this is just a day, just a moment, nothing more. 

[seeking balance]

Well, you did what many people do - you triggered him and now you are paying the price.

Next time you want to reach out - go read article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

figure out where you are stuck... .  grieve it... .  let go

Again, this is not the end of the world, like OTH says.  Let go, he might need to hate you and you might have to learn to be ok with that.  It's ok, it doesn't make you a bad person.

Rather than focus on his email and his disorder, I am kindly suggesting you focus on you and learning to properly process your grief and not reaching out to him to help soothe you... .  the first time I read those words about me it stung - but it was true.

Be good to you.

Peace,

SB

[trouble11]

PP ... .  You're felling like you toyed with him and made him feel bad, but with these folks it's impossible to know.  You may have given him much comfort.  Mine will text me with things like "I will always love you"  all he wants is the comfort he gets from hearing those words parroted back to him.

[benny2]

yes before my final attempt I did the same. Shot him a text and the next thing I know he was at my door. All I wanted to hear was that he was lousey and miserable like me, but no, instead he told me he has never felt better! Maybe so who knows. I guess juggling more than one woman at a time has got to be stressful, however, I don't forsee him ever being faithful to anyone. There was something thats been on my mind since though. He spoted a shirt that he had given me when I was living there hanging in my room. He stared at that shirt and commented, "I see you still have that shirt hanging in your room", I replied, " Yes I wear it all the time around the house" I wonder if that was his way of thinking I was still hanging on to him. Wish I knew what they think sometimes. Its been one week NC now since I said fairwell. Maybe this is it, but the temptation is there everyday just to say hi how are you doing.

[LuckyEscapee]

Please don't beat yourself up!

We folk tend to want to be nice, caring and polite peeps. Yet we find ourselves in this alternate reality without the rule book to go with it. Normal life rules and behaviours don't seem to apply in this foreign world. After getting bitten a few times we realise that there is nothing in the alternate reality that is worth the tremendous pain involved, and we choose to stay away from it for everyone's benefit.

[almost789]

I understand, but dont beat yourself up. I bet he's not. Things like this dont seem to bother them all that much. They move on quite easily. If anything you probably puffed him up some. Now he can tell himself you contacted him !

[Clearmind]

pink, we poke and we expect a certain outcome and when it goes pear shaped we are surprised! I am not at all surprised at his response - its actually extremely predictable.

You see the disorder - thats great! Let him have his issues, you cannot fix him.

Concentrate on you and your reaction/emotions/feelings to this turn of events - you feel ashamed of yourself - delve deep as to why this maybe the case.

[FindingMe2011]

  I've been NC with BPDbf for a couple months.  Been reading and learning and have pretty much accepted the fact that this is not a r/s I can deal with.  I do not want to develop the solid steel skills and fortitude to be his emotional caretaker, and I do not like the idea of my life with him being empty of honest and meaningful connection.   While some people may choose that and are up for the job, I do not have the emotional strength or personality for that.     

Yes, the sobering reality, that little can be done, to fix the r/s. I understood I had a r/s with problems, but the depths of which it went, were unbelievable. First when I read up on her behavior, then mine. To know that I invested 10+ yrs, with the hope that things would settle down, and realize, that without extensive individual therapy, for both of us, this was the only possible out come... .  Make no mistake, your personality and emotional strength, will most likely be tested, like it never has before. Your going to make mistakes. Its what happens when we learn new things, and have spent a lifetime entrenched in old habits. The good thing, about the path you have chosen is, there is a light, at the end of the tunnel. The healthier ways, you approach this light, will determine how healthy you come out, the other side.

   I should have left things alone, but I texted on Sunday and and asked him how he was doing.  I guess I thought I was ready to move forward and I wanted to get this monkey off my back-him hating me and to give myself some closure on our strange r/s dissolution.  I still love him but know we cannot work together.   

The path to moving forward, or finding closure, will not go through him. This is his ego defense mechanisms in play, and has nothing to do with you. Its a self persecution illness, and he hates himself. Projecting this on you, temporarily soothes him. He doesnt understand/know how to soothe himself. You taking this personally, and as fresh as the wounds are, for the both of you, will only yield one result, more dysfunction.

  So now I feel really guilty and bad that I've "popped up," and although he might be out on a date right now (quite possible), and not thinking about me at all, I feel that I might have caused some confusion and doubt in his mind and started something I should not have.  This was a selfish thing on my part to relieve something in me and I recognize that.  I also feel that I lit a corner of my house on fire and wonder why I would do such an immature, foolish thing.  I feel ashamed of myself.  I was coming along along ok, posting, trying to help some others even, and now I do this.     

You did, and made an apology for your mistake, many times over. Is it your fault, he cant accept this. The fact that you are human. The feeling of shame, you are feeling over this, is faulty thinking on your part, would you not agree? Shedding this shame(that you probably have carried for a while) that you unjustly carry, should show you an area, that you need to explore... .  When we learn it is correct, to help ourselves first, and then do this. We are able to help others more effectively. Learning to put ourselves first, is a feat all to itself, when we realize how poorly we have done this in the past.  I had unjust feelings of guilt when I first started doing this... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[pinkpeony]

Thank you all so much!

I have spent each day reading and rereading all your posts and it has been a rough week of self evaluation.  I have not heard a peep from exBPDbf.  Not a peep! 

So then, without any peeps, as I was expecting, I started to feel even more foolish for expecting something, and here's where the rubber met the road... .  So was I trying to engage him? 

seeking balance,

Rather than focus on his email and his disorder, I am kindly suggesting you focus on you and learning to properly process your grief and not reaching out to him to help soothe you... .  the first time I read those words about me it stung - but it was true

this was amazing-the "properly process" was such a jumping off point for me to get a grip.  I read somewhere a while back something like... .  why would you ask someone who just beat you up for a hug?... .  and I saw myself doing just that. 

I just started to get angry and I felt a shift in my thinking, a shift in my grieving.  I've had a picture of the two of us up on my desk still, in some dreamy state it was comforting to look at, and I looked at it and suddenly wanted it gone.  That couple is gone, that r/s is gone, that "love" is gone.  And moreover, it really never was, and I was spending days and nights wishing and hoping and crying and obsessing.  And the cherry on the top? 

No peep.

I feel like Dorothy in Oz when she wakes up and everything is in bright, beautiful color.  He "wants me more than anything" but then he disappeared again.  He's walked out 4-5 times and I took him back each time because I'm a "good person."  I'm gazing at our picture and he's out on a date.  I'm checking my email 400 times a day waiting for the response I was so scared I'd initiated.  I was worried about hurting him.  I was ashamed of myself.  Today I just feel disgusted and irritated at the whole thing, myself included and what I might have been subconsciously attempting to do.  I'm pretty sure these emotions are a good thing, a healing thing, a step forward. 

Thanks all of you for your responses!  I heard every word each of you took the time to write. 

Today is a new day!

pink

[FindingMe2011]

  Today I just feel disgusted and irritated at the whole thing, myself included and what I might have been subconsciously attempting to do.  I'm pretty sure these emotions are a good thing, a healing thing, a step forward. 

Thanks all of you for your responses!  I heard every word each of you took the time to write. 

Today is a new day!

pink   

Be kind and forgiving to yourself, you deserve this, and nobody but you, in this situation, can do this for you... .  It is said that ignorance, is the results of not knowing. Stupidity, is knowing, and still going back for more. Rest assure, anything that feels different then how you used to process things is healthier. Much more confusing at times, and this is what these boards are for. Your words show you are leaning towards, a healthier place. Keep it up... .  I wish you well,PEACE

[OTH]

What now? At some point the head has to lead the heart to get over this. You are hurt emotionally.You can't rely on your heart. What does your mind say to move on from this? What's your recovery plan?