just plain confused.

[luvapug]

So everything has been going good with the exBPDbf, now BPDbf. over the last few months we have been communicating great, working hard at our friendship, he is seeking help with his ADHD and he is looking more introspectively at himself and how he reacts to the world and how he views it. We are making plans and working on things together.  Well, I am 9 years older than him.     Aside from the struggle with BPD, the immaturity factor has been a struggle as well, but we always managed to move through it all.   

I guess I am really realizing that we are in two separate places in our lives.   

I am wanting to get married again someday, maybe have another child, focusing also on my career and winding down my life to having family vacations and that kind of lifestyle. I picture this with someone who can be a good solid family man.  I have an 8 year old son and he is getting into more and more activities that make me think family life is what I love having and I really want to move forward into that with my BPDbf! 

Well, my BPDbf is buying a house... .  without me, on his own, maybe to "possibly" rent if he "ever" moves back in with us.  I realize that he needs this to feel like man and aside from me not having a part in any of it, him purchasing a home doesn't actually bug me... .  but the fact that he decided to do it after we got back together does.

He is also a Navy Reservist, he did not fully enlist for active duty at the time (3+ years ago) because he never wanted to get deployed for long periods of time so he wasn't away from our family... .  all changed when he left last March.   

He actually signed up for him to be on call for 9 month deployments and he has not yet been called to duty, but he has been assured it is a high chance he will.  I never would've been opposed to any of this but I am starting to see that I am putting my life on hold for him to follow his dreams... .  while my life is ticking on by.

Is this selfish of me?  I always was the type who stood by my man and fully be in support of him... .  but I spent 6 months waiting for him to go through boot camp, another 6 months waiting for him to finish his Advanced Training, I have spent 8 months away while he "figured things out" and now I will be apart 9 months or more while he deploys?  Meanwhile, having no security in our relationship that ensures I won't be or haven't just wasted 3 years of my life on someone who may or may not want the same things I desire when he finally settles down, is started to create a lot of doubt... .  I feel very torn     I absolutely love him, I gave this man a second chance because I love him... .  but does that outweigh the fact that my life is ticking on by, while his has seemingly just started

Opinions please!

-luvapug

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I was with my 2nd husband for 10 years when he kicked me to the curb.  I agonized over having wasted all that time with an alcoholic who was in and out of jail and generally made life difficult for everyone around him.  It was especially crushing to me because I'd committed myself to the relationship for better or worse... .  I got the worse and he got the best of me.  He never did give me a reason other than I didn't NEED him any more.  Seems the relationship changed because the rules changed.  I was going to Al-Anon and becoming stronger, less co-dependent and happier and he wasn't. 

Regardless... .  if you each have different goals for your lives and they don't seem to jive, it may not be the relationship for you.  It's difficult to let go when you truly love someone, but in my opinion, it's far better to let go than to try to make the relationship fit your vision.

[luvapug]

rockylove-  I totally get you, I was actually previously married for 8 years in a very bad situation and when I finally left a huge weight had lifted and I knew I had wasted my time in a relationship that didn't benefit me.  The difference with this relationship is that I really do love this man more than any man I have ever loved... .  I am just worried about ultimately regretting the waiting and becoming resentful.  I just don't know how to let the relationship go when things are going good "at this moment".

-luvapug

[laelle]

 

[Rockylove]

Hmmm... .  "I really do love this man more than any man I have ever loved"~~that seems to be the underlying theme on the "staying" board.  I feel the same way.  It is the most intense love I've ever felt, yet I question my sanity for if it's the best I've ever had and he is so broken, then what does that say about me?  I have to admit that the good times far outweigh the bad times and since learning some self preservation techniques, the bad times seem not to be quite as damaging to our relationship as I'd once thought.  I have no delusions though... .  it could change over night

What I believe is to our benefit is that we are both older and have similar goals for living out the remainder of our lives.  If that were not the case, I'd be inclined to move on... .  I'm not going to compromise myself in this stage of the game... .  what I stand to lose by staying with someone who isn't on the same page with me is me and I've worked too hard at being the best version of myself that I can be to let that go.

[luvapug]

Rockylove- I agree with you, I do stand to lose so much staying with someone who isn't on the same page with me.  I look at him and know I love him, but I look into the future and see that I don't fit in his plans.  When he came in to my life not once, but twice, he knew what he was coming into. What I was and what I had to offer was on the table  , I had a home, a child, and drama with the ex husband and I work and am in graduate school... .  little mystery as to what he would get from me... .  

But when I look at him I don't know at all what I would get... .  I don't know if he wants a family, how he would be as a husband or father, what career he will pursue, if he will get deployed and never return (either physically or mentally), if he will be satisfied with the life he makes, will he put his family first, how does he handle all the stressors of life, what his mindset on his goals will be in 5 years... .  

I have NO security in my relationship with him, while I can offer it to him or anyone I date because my life has been established and there is little that I need to "figure out"... .  well, except this dilemma of course! 

[Rockylove]

I'm fortunate that I've no real attachment to a certain lifestyle (so to speak) and our children are adults (we're old people w/ grand babies) so "security" for me is just being loved as I am. 

When I was in my 30's, things were different.  I wanted to have a home where my kids could grow and feel safe and secure.  I had dreams and goals for the future.  Those things have changed with age~~23 years later the things that mattered then are no longer significant. 

I hope that you find a way to fulfill your dreams whether it is with this man, with another man or just on your own (because that's possible too!)   

[luvapug]

Rockylove-  Thanks for your comments, it is always nice to hear from other people and their experiences, I greatly appreciate it!.

-luvapug