Maybe someone can help me answer this ...

[louise 716]

Don't really know if problem is with combat PTSD son or his uBPD (w/NPD traits) wife - most likely combination of both!

uPBD/NPD dil has managed to strain relationships with family from day one (it's been 5 years).  Son has combat PTSD and has adopted some of her ways.  Despite all of that, we have continued to be respectful and supportive as best we can.  Of course, as you might expect we have, in their eyes, "wronged" them many times.  They keep wanting apologies for things we have done "wrong." We have apologized numerous times, in writing and verbally, for these apparent "transgressions."  Most recently, son has blacklisted all of us with the exception of DH, until we all do some "soul searching" about "what happened."  Problem is, I don't even know what happened. I chose to not answer comments written by son or dil.

1. What do we say when they want yet another apology? I am trying to figure out how to use the SET technique in response.

2. One of son's siblings was asked the other day "Why don't you like my wife?" How does other sibling answer that. A: Sibling tried to keep changing the subject and B: Son was drunk due to combat PTSD trigger. Son was like a dog with a bone and wouldn't drop the question.

Thanks in advance.

[GeekyGirl]

I can understand how frustrating this is. My mother will go through times when she gets angry at someone for some perceived wrong, and then blacklist that person and give him/her the silent treatment. It's very hurtful.

It's good that you're reading up on SET. That's been helpful for me with my mother, as it acknowledges that you hear the other person and also allows you to express your point of view. With my mother, I've said something to the effect of, "I understand that you're upset and I'm sorry to hear that, but I need a better understanding of what's wrong so we can resolve this." Sometimes even she doesn't know why she's upset, which is when I really have to use SET to try to figure out what's going on.

As for your son's question, PSTD aside (which I hope he's getting help for--I've heard that it's very painful), he probably knows at some level that you all really don't like your DIL, and that might be hurting him a great deal. Has he ever brought it up to you?

[louise 716]

"I understand that you're upset and I'm sorry to hear that, but I need a better understanding of what's wrong so we can resolve this." ... .  I think that might work.

I am 99% sure son is not getting help for his PTSD. No, son has not brought it up with me about me not liking her. He tends to practice "triangulation" with a sibling (that in itself causes a host of other problems) so he might have talked to that sibling about me not liking his wife.  I can't say as I love her and honestly, the way things keep going, it is getting increasingly hard to even like her.  I am not saying I hate her either ... .  just neutral feelings.  She is my son's wife and I will continue to be respectful (if I am brought back into the fold) and to do what I consider to be reasonable, i.e. invite over for dinner, stop over occasionally for coffee (but call first), etc. However, I realize the way things are now, contact will most likely be most comfortable for all involved if it takes place on neutral territory.