Detaching as soon as they start treatment

[clashreality]

I have a long post in the L2 forum if you want the full background story.

My ex (ltr, engaged) went inpatient last month - wanted a romantic break to focus on mental health (this was awesome!) - but then wanted to date others (we've been polyamorous before but this seemed like a bad idea for our relationship and their focus), they also wanted to quit outpatient - I broke-up with them (last week) but wasn't sure if it took (confirmed yesterday that we are indeed mutually broken up)

I just talked to my ex who is staying in outpatient - wonderful! And, they weren't diagnosed BPD before but I knew they were and told them a couple of years ago to look into the diagnosis, they felt it fit but I don't know if they focused on it in therapy and the issues surrounding it certainly never got better. Turns out they were officially diagnosed last month during inpatient! And the outpatient is specifically focused on borderline/bipolar.

Of course I was literally composing my NC request when they called and told me this so now...

I'm feeling conflicted that they are now officially seeking treatment for BPD but still focused on dating and "let" me breakup with them (aka seem sad on some level but must still think on some level that it's the right thing to do because I am still in the black).

I guess I'm going to have to work through a lot of things (my codependency) and confront the fact that, yes, I am afraid they will get healthy just in time for their next relationship to be healthy on their end and possibly go where we had planned.

I absolutely want them happy in the end and I will certainly focus on my own separate happiness - I just wish they had enough insight right now to recognize that detaching completely from romance and, if it feels right, re-approaching us when they've had more treatment could really result in all the best parts of our relationship + actual health where the bad things were. Instead of full force smashing in that final nail

On a final "oh, life" note they are my highest match on OkCupid (new area for both of us, I am looking for friends with the option of more, they are looking for "short-term dating" so that just tops it off.

[GreenMango]

Im confused are you in a polyamorous relationship with two different people with BPD, one in inpatient and one in outpatient therapy?  Or this is the same person and I read it wrong?

[clashreality]

One person! I'm guessing it's the they pronoun. Ex-partner went inpatient last month for a week and is now doing outpatient/attempted to quit outpatient halfway through.

We are not in a polyamorous relationship... we are not in a relationship at all, anymore! We had been monogamous for awhile and were going to transition back into polyamory before my ex went inpatient. During inpatient we decided to take a "romantic break" from each other for the sake of treatment but then my ex also wanted to start being polyamorous again during our break/during treatment. Which I did not think sounded like a good idea.

Hope that clears it up!

[GreenMango]

Ohhh    sorry ... .  yeah that helps.  I thought man this person has some serious emotional stamina if they can balance a relationship with two people going through treatment at once.

You mentioned being worried this person will get better for someone else.  Honestly, they may get better, but from what I've read from other peoples stories it takes a very long time to treat an illness like this 3+ years for recovery solid, committed dbt individual therapy, group therapy/skills learning, your own individual therapy, couples therapy later.  That's without addiction issues, etc to contend with.

My ex (ltr, engaged) went inpatient last month - wanted a romantic break to focus on mental health (this was awesome!) - but then wanted to date others (we've been polyamorous before but this seemed like a bad idea for our relationship and their focus), they also wanted to quit outpatient - I broke-up with them (last week) but wasn't sure if it took (confirmed yesterday that we are indeed mutually broken up)

I hope you see the contradictions in this person's behavior and the impulsiveness.  You mentioned now it's the outpatient thing.  Sounds like this could very well be the same pattern of sand bagging treatment.  A person who's getting better is going to be making better decisions.

[clashreality]

I could keel over at the thought of a poly relationship that involves two people with BPD and me still working on my codependence!

You are very right about the contradictions!

I sent my ex a NC email earlier and they called me back as a response to tell me they agreed because THEY are getting angry at ME (which I expected but yeesh... I placed a lot of hope on the treatment) and then proceeded to blame me for something that happened over a year ago and could literally never, ever, be my fault in any universe and then would not let me respond (number one irritating old behavior).

So... all fears around not getting to experience a romantic relationship with a healthier version of them, right out the window.