New here - sibling with BPD

[Elfie]

Hi there, everyone - I'm new, and I guess this is the place to start.

I'll try to be brief; my younger brother is the BPD in my life. He is in the late teens/early 20's age bracket. Ideally, my parents would be the ones posting here and getting support, but I don't know if they would.

I say "my brother has BPD" even though he's never been formally diagnosed (from what I know, doctors are hesitant to give a diagnosis of BPD because of the stigma, especially to young people) - but he exhibits just about every trait that seems common to BPD's in general. After reading up on BPD quite a bit last year and having some serious family discussions, everything just seemed to make sense and fall into place.

As a very brief "history" on my brother: he's the definition of an "emotional rollercoaster." He's extremely sensitive and yet heavy-handed; very intelligent and yet really lacking wisdom; he's an emotional manipulator and will lie outright, seeming to believe his own lies. He can be violent and destructive, or will put himself in situations where he is physically harmed. He is not currently living at home as he is on probation (again) in another county, but he comes down to visit occasionally. His relationship with his on again, off again girlfriend is extremely volatile. He's been in trouble with the law in one way or another since he was around 15 (drugs, theft). He was kicked out of a prestigious school (which he got into based off his perfect SAT scores) after getting arrested. He makes extremely poor choices not infrequently in regards to friends, money, etc etc.

I don't know if I have anything in particular to say... .  I just know that I've really been feeling very isolated and caught up in the family drama, with no real outlet. My parents don't want any of my brother's "issues" discussed (they don't want family issues made public, I think is how they put it), and the few times I've tried to bring up my brother's problems or BPD with friends, it hasn't really gone over well. My brother and I both come from a loving/Christian/strict home, and it seems that many people who I try to talk to about things of this nature just think that "wayward children" are always the result of some kind of abuse or lack of discipline by my parents - which is not the case here.

Thanks for reading.

~Elfie

[livednlearned]

Hi Elfie,



It's so hard having a BPD sufferer in the family. You've definitely found the right place, and you'll find so many members here who can identify, plus a lot of resources to help you cope. This is one of the best outlets I have found for sharing experiences with others who really understand. Including the isolation, and even feeling at odds with family members and how they choose to deal (or not deal) with the issues. It sounds like you have talked to your family about what's going on with your brother. Do they think he is BPD? How do they respond when he lands in trouble?

And how are you doing? What kind of strain does your brother's behavior put on you? It can be hard for people, even friends, to understand BPD if they haven't experienced it firsthand. Glad you found this site so you don't feel so alone. The isolation can be it's own hardship when dealing with a pwBPD.

Keep posting. It really does help.



LnL

[Elfie]

Hi Lnl - thanks for the welcome

My parents agree that Brother exhibits BPD traits (he shows 8-9 of the 9 diagnostic symptoms). The book Stop Walking on Eggshells has been helpful in understanding more. It's probably been 6 months or so since it all finally "clicked" that he had worse issues than the random ADHD/depression/anger issue/hyper-sensitivity labels that had been thrown around for years.

My brother and I used to be close growing up, and now we aren't - I keep my distance for my own sake. But I don't know if that's right - should I be helping him more? How would I even go about helping him? Added to this is the fact that he usually doesn't think he has any problems. It's really tough, especially when it seems like no one understands and there's no one to talk to about it. How do I explain to friends that he's in jail or on probation - and that this isn't the first time? How do I explain how I'm afraid of him, and yet I still love him? How do I explain why his relationships (especially with his girlfriend) are so up-and-down and drama-filled? The suicidal and self-harm threats? All the times my parents have had to "talk him down" over teh phone? How do I explain all the poor choices and his seeming lack of good decision-making skills? How do I explain that I don't even know who he is anymore because of his manipulation? If I have a hard time knowing who he is, how much harder of a time must he be having? Sometimes I think he believes his own lies.

It's definitely difficult and isolating - I'm glad to have found this community and to just know that I'm not the only one having these feelings and difficulties. And there's maybe even hope that my brother, someday, will get help and improve... .  

[livednlearned]

Hi Lnl - thanks for the welcome

My parents agree that Brother exhibits BPD traits (he shows 8-9 of the 9 diagnostic symptoms). The book Stop Walking on Eggshells has been helpful in understanding more. It's probably been 6 months or so since it all finally "clicked" that he had worse issues than the random ADHD/depression/anger issue/hyper-sensitivity labels that had been thrown around for years.

My brother and I used to be close growing up, and now we aren't - I keep my distance for my own sake. But I don't know if that's right - should I be helping him more? How would I even go about helping him? Added to this is the fact that he usually doesn't think he has any problems. It's really tough, especially when it seems like no one understands and there's no one to talk to about it. How do I explain to friends that he's in jail or on probation - and that this isn't the first time? How do I explain how I'm afraid of him, and yet I still love him? How do I explain why his relationships (especially with his girlfriend) are so up-and-down and drama-filled? The suicidal and self-harm threats? All the times my parents have had to "talk him down" over teh phone? How do I explain all the poor choices and his seeming lack of good decision-making skills? How do I explain that I don't even know who he is anymore because of his manipulation? If I have a hard time knowing who he is, how much harder of a time must he be having? Sometimes I think he believes his own lies.

It's definitely difficult and isolating - I'm glad to have found this community and to just know that I'm not the only one having these feelings and difficulties. And there's maybe even hope that my brother, someday, will get help and improve... .  

You obviously have a big heart and care about the pain going on not just in your brother, but your family. Be sure to take care of yourself, too! I have a BPD brother, too, although had no idea that's what was going on until I realized my ex was N/BPD. Like you, we were close as young kids. But then, for us, the teen years happened and kerplow.

I haven't read Walking on Eggshells, but I have heard some people say that Randi Kreger's more recent book Essential Family Guide has more up to date information, and there's been quite a bit of research in the past decade that might give you additional info that's useful.

The questions you ask about what to say to people when your brother does x,y,z -- makes me wonder if this article might also be helpful? Radical Acceptance for family members. When I first read it, I couldn't take it in because I'm a world-class fixer    but I've spent some time here on bpdfamily.com and read enough, and posted enough, and I guess I'm practicing "radical acceptance" more and more. Not easy, though.