Mom with uBPD: caught in a cultural crossfire

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi community. 

Thank you for being warm and welcoming to everyone else, I know I can find the same here and take great comfort in that.  I have lurked here multiple times and gathered more information and seen some of others stories. I think I am finally ready to share mine.

I'm a 24 year old female. My family consists of my mother, my father and my younger sister (20).  I believe my mother has undiagnosed BPD.  She has suffered a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and had major depressive episodes her entire life.  My family comes from a South Asian background and I believe that that further complicates matters in her illness perspective and in the dysfunctional nature of our family dynamic. My mother, if she is a pwBPD is very high-functioning.  Outwardly social, jocular, intelligent, non-traditional she strives often to seem the "cool mom" and throughout my childhood and adolescence has joked with my friends about how she wants to smoke marijuana and her laid back attitudes towards sexuality and sexual behaviour.  To actually express desire for any of those (for instance, to discuss pre-marital sex with her on a serious level) causes her to do an abrupt about face and launch into tirades about family values, cultural ideals, respect and her forbidding such behaviour.

My struggles with her existed through childhood but intensified at the age of 15 or so when I started being more social with my friend circles.  Any time spent with them was time spent away from her and meant that I didn't care about her at all.   My dad has always been an enabler. He is lost in FOG and shoulders much of the blame for her distress at any given point in time.  His solution has been to walk on eggshells and give in to whatever her demands, however unreasonable.  If he ever attempts to reason with her or even explain my perspective he faces the backlash of her thinking that he is a devil for siding with me.   At this point it is clear that he gives me little outward support although I do know that he loves me dearly. I find it frustrating that he often has conversations with me without my mother telling me to "tough it out" and "not take things too personally" but will scold me in front of her for making her life so difficult and being a selfish and ungrateful child.

My sister is the "golden child".  She has had interpersonal issues in the past and as a result is extremely dependent on my mother.  This dependence and her anxiety related to social functioning makes her the perfect safety-blanket for my mother. A child who loves her unconditionally, will never 'abandon' her, who has fear and anxiety about functioning in any capacity without her and, a weapon to use against me.  My mother routinely tells my sister that "you'll never leave me, never hurt me like your horrible big sister and father always did" and I worry a lot about the girl.  I know she copes with an inordinate burden of stress as a result.

For years I tried to be the good child and do everything right.  I've never touched drugs, never drank underage, respected my curfew, was involved in plenty of extracurriculars, got straight A averages.  I was an overachiever in University and currently am working my way through the 3rd year at an exhausting, rigorous Medical School.  Not finding much else to complain about my mother continually rages at me for choosing my friends over her, for wanting to live in residence during my undergrad in the same city (I never did, I lived at home all four years), for eventually moving out for medical school and now, for being in a serious relationship with a boy who is a "bad influence" and whose family will "steal me away from her".  When she's off, she's very paranoid and will fly into towering rages for entire days or even weeks. Incidentally, when she's on, she's loving, thinks of me as the golden child too, and approves highly of my boyfriend and his family and is constantly wondering when he will propose.

For years I was lost in FOG too. I still am to some degree. A huge part of my upbringing has been influenced by my culture where respect to parents is utmost.  The idea of being NC with her is untenable for me as it would mean a loss of contact with my entire extended family, a large and loving group, who see only the high-functioning side of my mother.  I struggle a lot with what is my duty and responsibility as part of this family-oriented culture and what is my prerogative as an independent human being.  I don't always hold myself to the same standards as my friends with less family ties and the way they deal with their dysfunction in part because of the cultural connection, in another part because of the indoctrination from my uBPDm.  My very supportive boyfriend, also from a similar culture, helps me daily with this and I am so grateful for his support.  I do know, however, that he can be a little overzealous in his want to protect me and I worry that his pendulum swings too far the other way and that even "normal" behaviours and emotions - that is ones my mother has when she's on - he interprets as negative and damaging.

The following are things I'm attempting to work on with some success or at least some idea of where to go:

1) engaging my dad and my sister in my mom's potential condition and how to stop enabling it and start them dealing with their own reactions to the crushing burden of it.

2) working on my own feelings of inadequacy and guilt, fostering a healthier relationship with my boyfriend and developing my own moral compass.

3) Working with my boyfriend to get a better understanding of BPD and how to navigate its choppy waters.

4) Mindfulness and not allowing her to rent space in my head.  I have had no success with this yet but am starting to at least understand HOW to do this. I think this one will just come with practice.


Here is what I struggle with constantly and could use some perspective on.

1) separating culture from control and learning what is appropriate and what is not.  Learning to be okay with boundary setting of the latter towards a parent (verboten in South Asian communities)

2) Coping with the towering rages or lowest lows.  She tends to fly into these furies or deep depressions and then refuse to take any ownership for her problems instead projecting all blame onto my father and me.  Expressions of sympathy and empathy have little effect as she states that "she's heard it all a thousand times before" and "actions speak louder than words" and "you caused it, you fix it. You're trying to tackle the symptoms of depression when the source of the depression is your behaviour."  She wants promises that we will do things differently/better and even when she gets those promises they don't mean anything as the slightest thing can set her off.  Most recently it was that my daily phone call to her came an hour later than usual. 

3) Tying into above: providing the appropriate amount and level of support. I want to know how I can help her without being sucked into her whirlpool.  I want to know how to help her soothe herself without taking blame or responsibility for her feelings. 

4)FOG re: her health.  She has poorly controlled hypertension and a recent motor vehicle accident as well as a series of risky behaviours (e.g. smoking) that she uses to control situations. "you cause me so much stress I will have a stroke."  "you make me so upset I won't take my medications because I just want to die"  "I've gone from smoking to chainsmoking because of you"   I struggle with these statements and believing them a lot.

5) Navigating the stress that has arisen and will continue to build between her and my boyfriend's family.  We are headed soon towards engagement and marriage and I live in a state of dread of the repercussions of wedding planning.  I have had a little taste of the way she flips if she doesn't get exactly her way when it comes to planning something... .  she still holds my prom against me.


*whew*  That was a lot of verbal diarrhea.  Thank you for reading to the end  , it helped to get that out at least. 

[FindingStrength]

Hi community. 

Thank you for being warm and welcoming to everyone else, I know I can find the same here and take great comfort in that.  I have lurked here multiple times and gathered more information and seen some of others stories. I think I am finally ready to share mine.

I'm a 24 year old female. My family consists of my mother, my father and my younger sister (20).  I believe my mother has undiagnosed BPD.  She has suffered a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and had major depressive episodes her entire life.  My family comes from a South Asian background and I believe that that further complicates matters in her illness perspective and in the dysfunctional nature of our family dynamic. My mother, if she is a pwBPD is very high-functioning.  Outwardly social, jocular, intelligent, non-traditional she strives often to seem the "cool mom" and throughout my childhood and adolescence has joked with my friends about how she wants to smoke marijuana and her laid back attitudes towards sexuality and sexual behaviour.  To actually express desire for any of those (for instance, to discuss pre-marital sex with her on a serious level) causes her to do an abrupt about face and launch into tirades about family values, cultural ideals, respect and her forbidding such behaviour.

My struggles with her existed through childhood but intensified at the age of 15 or so when I started being more social with my friend circles.  Any time spent with them was time spent away from her and meant that I didn't care about her at all.   My dad has always been an enabler. He is lost in FOG and shoulders much of the blame for her distress at any given point in time.  His solution has been to walk on eggshells and give in to whatever her demands, however unreasonable.  If he ever attempts to reason with her or even explain my perspective he faces the backlash of her thinking that he is a devil for siding with me.   At this point it is clear that he gives me little outward support although I do know that he loves me dearly. I find it frustrating that he often has conversations with me without my mother telling me to "tough it out" and "not take things too personally" but will scold me in front of her for making her life so difficult and being a selfish and ungrateful child.

My sister is the "golden child".  She has had interpersonal issues in the past and as a result is extremely dependent on my mother.  This dependence and her anxiety related to social functioning makes her the perfect safety-blanket for my mother. A child who loves her unconditionally, will never 'abandon' her, who has fear and anxiety about functioning in any capacity without her and, a weapon to use against me.  My mother routinely tells my sister that "you'll never leave me, never hurt me like your horrible big sister and father always did" and I worry a lot about the girl.  I know she copes with an inordinate burden of stress as a result.

For years I tried to be the good child and do everything right.  I've never touched drugs, never drank underage, respected my curfew, was involved in plenty of extracurriculars, got straight A averages.  I was an overachiever in University and currently am working my way through the 3rd year at an exhausting, rigorous Medical School.  Not finding much else to complain about my mother continually rages at me for choosing my friends over her, for wanting to live in residence during my undergrad in the same city (I never did, I lived at home all four years), for eventually moving out for medical school and now, for being in a serious relationship with a boy who is a "bad influence" and whose family will "steal me away from her".  When she's off, she's very paranoid and will fly into towering rages for entire days or even weeks. Incidentally, when she's on, she's loving, thinks of me as the golden child too, and approves highly of my boyfriend and his family and is constantly wondering when he will propose.

For years I was lost in FOG too. I still am to some degree. A huge part of my upbringing has been influenced by my culture where respect to parents is utmost.  The idea of being NC with her is untenable for me as it would mean a loss of contact with my entire extended family, a large and loving group, who see only the high-functioning side of my mother.  I struggle a lot with what is my duty and responsibility as part of this family-oriented culture and what is my prerogative as an independent human being.  I don't always hold myself to the same standards as my friends with less family ties and the way they deal with their dysfunction in part because of the cultural connection, in another part because of the indoctrination from my uBPDm.  My very supportive boyfriend, also from a similar culture, helps me daily with this and I am so grateful for his support.  I do know, however, that he can be a little overzealous in his want to protect me and I worry that his pendulum swings too far the other way and that even "normal" behaviours and emotions - that is ones my mother has when she's on - he interprets as negative and damaging.

The following are things I'm attempting to work on with some success or at least some idea of where to go:

1) engaging my dad and my sister in my mom's potential condition and how to stop enabling it and start them dealing with their own reactions to the crushing burden of it.

2) working on my own feelings of inadequacy and guilt, fostering a healthier relationship with my boyfriend and developing my own moral compass.

3) Working with my boyfriend to get a better understanding of BPD and how to navigate its choppy waters.

4) Mindfulness and not allowing her to rent space in my head.  I have had no success with this yet but am starting to at least understand HOW to do this. I think this one will just come with practice.


Here is what I struggle with constantly and could use some perspective on.

1) separating culture from control and learning what is appropriate and what is not.  Learning to be okay with boundary setting of the latter towards a parent (verboten in South Asian communities)

2) Coping with the towering rages or lowest lows.  She tends to fly into these furies or deep depressions and then refuse to take any ownership for her problems instead projecting all blame onto my father and me.  Expressions of sympathy and empathy have little effect as she states that "she's heard it all a thousand times before" and "actions speak louder than words" and "you caused it, you fix it. You're trying to tackle the symptoms of depression when the source of the depression is your behaviour."  She wants promises that we will do things differently/better and even when she gets those promises they don't mean anything as the slightest thing can set her off.  Most recently it was that my daily phone call to her came an hour later than usual. 

3) Tying into above: providing the appropriate amount and level of support. I want to know how I can help her without being sucked into her whirlpool.  I want to know how to help her soothe herself without taking blame or responsibility for her feelings. 

4)FOG re: her health.  She has poorly controlled hypertension and a recent motor vehicle accident as well as a series of risky behaviours (e.g. smoking) that she uses to control situations. "you cause me so much stress I will have a stroke."  "you make me so upset I won't take my medications because I just want to die"  "I've gone from smoking to chainsmoking because of you"   I struggle with these statements and believing them a lot.

5) Navigating the stress that has arisen and will continue to build between her and my boyfriend's family.  We are headed soon towards engagement and marriage and I live in a state of dread of the repercussions of wedding planning.  I have had a little taste of the way she flips if she doesn't get exactly her way when it comes to planning something... .  she still holds my prom against me.


*whew*  That was a lot of verbal diarrhea.  Thank you for reading to the end  , it helped to get that out at least. 

[ambi]

Hi Greatgreasygit:

  I'm glad you decided to post today.  You certainly have a good grasp of the dynamics at play in your family.  That's a big head start in the journey.  There are lots of tools on here that don't require that you cease contact with your mom and honor your values.

I don't want to overwhelm you with links and information to all four questions at once.  So, let's just take the first question about learning to be okay with boundaries.  Boundaries Tools of Respect is an article that shows how having boundaries is respectful and leads to greater compassion. 

I think you'll find lots of supportive folks here.  I hope you'll keep on posting.

ambi

[Somewhere]

Overall an excellent situation analysis of where you are at.

Very impressive.

You are correct, it does help to "get it out," and be very aware you are not alone.  So good job on that, too.

I suppose your next question is where/how to go from here.

My answer -- dunno.  I am doing and going through the same type stuff with the Mrs.

For my part -- as dad -- I flipped sides and am putting the kids, first.  Sorry your dad did not/does not, but generally I think folks do the best they know at the time.

My best guess for you is to start getting some distance, and do what you can for the rest of the family.

[GaGrl]

My DH's ex is SE Asian (Thai). We have spent quite a bit of time and energy tryng to separate how much of the ex's issues are cultural and how much is psychological. It isn't easy for the children (all now adults) who were reared in a primarily American culture. BOUNDARIES ARE CRITICAL.

What are you having most difficulty in doing?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Greatgreasygit,

Welcome!   It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, not even including what's going on with your mother. Just getting your feelings out, as you've found, can help you feel better and find some focus.

Many of us with parents with BPD (my mother has BPD too) struggle with FOG and feelings that we're not "good enough" or supportive enough. That can be a huge burden. It's very healthy that you're stepping back, looking at what you're feeling and why, and working towards developing healthy responses to your parents.

From what you've said, it sounds like you're very concerned with how to best educate and help your father and sister. Do you think that either of them suspects that your mother has a mental disorder? What do you hope would happen if you do educate them about BPD?

Gagrl has a good point--the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship with your boyfriend is to set some boundaries with your mother (or both of your parents). How have you tried setting them in the past with your mother?

Please do keep posting, and feel free to join the conversation here. You'll find that you have a lot in common with the members here.

-GG

[FindingStrength]

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've tried to set even very basic boundaries in the past and never been very successful at holding firm to them.  I remember when I was living with my family during the summer last summer (my mom's request and choice, not mine) as my grandmother was visiting from our home country.  Being that close to my mother all the time only bolstered her expectations that I would be closer.  I was not allowed to see friends,  I was asked to spend less time with my boyfriend, I was asked to not attend out of events that I had had a hand in planning.  I caved to many, but not all of these in the face of the combined pressure from my mother, my father, my sister and both my grandparents.  I was constantly made to feel like a huge disappointment to my family and the only dissenting voice to my mother's 'reasonable requests'. I didn't set many boundaries then or attempt to about my activities... .  but I did try and make one very serious request and that was to have the right to walk away from an escalating argument.

I told my mom firmly that if a situation got heated then I had the right to leave the area, to go to my room, to go for a walk, to simply decline to participate in the conversation for a few hours or days or however long it took my temper (read: I was careful not to say HER temper) to cool down.  When she was on this was accepted as reasonable.  The next time she started to rage at me I reminded her of this conversation and told her I was going to leave the room.  She screamed at me that I was invalidating HER need to vent and her need to discuss this right away and she didn't want to wait until it was convenient for me, the Queen of Sheba, to dictate the conversation time.  When I left the room anyways she had my grandmother come speak to me to beg me to continue to talk to her.  She had my dad come beg me to continue to talk to her.  He came into my room several times, even when I was sleeping, to ask me to please come and discuss things with her.  When I finally relented because I was exhausted and worn down, I was greeted with stony silence, glaring and cursing from my mother.  I would attempt to hold a conversation with her, when that failed I would leave the room to go back to sleep - while she called me a coward and a hundred other filthy things, and then half an hour later my dad or my sister would be in to wake me up again and "have a talk with me about my behaviour"

Things are definitely better when I do not live at home, but the same patterns repeat themselves via phone calls and texts and emails, if not from her, from the rest of my family telling me how hard it is at home and how difficult I am making things for them and how devastated she is.  The message is clear "you're wrong, you're bad, apologize and it will all be better"

[BiancaRose]

  . . . and I love your GIF!

I think the single most helpful thing for me thus far has been to recognize and accept that I am going to be a disappointment to my family. It's inevitable. They want a docile and obedient daughter, but instead they got stuck with me. If I set down boundaries, they're going to be upset. Once you accept that, and acknowledge that it says more about them and their unrealistic expectations than about you and your worth, it's very freeing. It doesn't erase all the guilt about your family's or your culture's expectations, but it helps with some of the FOG.

I'm a very bookish person, so I read everything I could find about BPD, and also manipulation, emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, and assertiveness in relationships. I highly recommend "If You Had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth, which doesn't deal directly with BPD but helped me a lot with recognizing what bothered me about my relationship with my family. For me, recognizing that I had a right to disagree with how they treated me was the hardest part - once I got that internalized, it got much easier to stand up for my rights.

I recommend taking a lot of time to get yourself grounded in your own sense that, no matter what they say, you have a right to your thoughts and perceptions, BEFORE you talk to your family about the possibility that your mother has BPD. In my experience, if they're devoted to enabling her or to maintaining the status quo in the family, they're likely to turn on you or try to shut you down if you want to speak about what you perceive as the problem. My family did that to me when I tried to alert them to what I was noticing, and it was devastating for me. It also helped me realize, though, that they couldn't be part of the solution if they were so dedicated to being part of the problem.

My mother, like yours, is uBPD. She's Eastern European in background, though we're relatively Canadian-ized, but a lot of the control tactics and issues seem very similar. Feel free to message me if you need some support.