I'm beating myself up for emailing my BPD ex.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't spoken or seen my BPD ex-boyfriend in nearly three months, but yesterday, I missed him more than usual. I did the unthinkable, and I emailed him. I wrote him an email telling him about my new job, and how much I enjoy it. I didn't say anything negative, and I didn't hint at his BPD or any of bad things he did to me. It was overall a friendly and nice email, but I'm still beating myself up for contacting him.

He hasn't replied, and I honestly don't know if he will. I don't know what to expect, and I'm scared that I might undo all the progress that I made in the months prior to contacting him. What should I do to calm the anxiety? Is it okay that I slipped this once?

[Lily and Ben]

I haven't spoken or seen my BPD ex-boyfriend in nearly three months, but yesterday, I missed him more than usual. I did the unthinkable, and I emailed him. I wrote him an email telling him about my new job, and how much I enjoy it. I didn't say anything negative, and I didn't hint at his BPD or any of bad things he did to me. It was overall a friendly and nice email, but I'm still beating myself up for contacting him.

He hasn't replied, and I honestly don't know if he will. I don't know what to expect, and I'm scared that I might undo all the progress that I made in the months prior to contacting him. What should I do to calm the anxiety? Is it okay that I slipped this once?

[cal644]

It is so hard for us to not email or text someone who has been important in our life.  I screwed up a few times after doing such a good job of NC/LC with my soon to be ex.  Each time I screw up I feel horrible because I get my hope and feelings back.  I know its best to let go - but after 19 years its soo hard.  It's so hard to be cut out of someones life - even though I know that I can never go back through the pain she caused.

[freshlySane]

you are not alone i emailed my ex last week i sent her a love poem (she writes poetry). she didn't respond and it hurt but now i am happy she didn't. I know if she did it would've been nasty and insulting so her non response. you might have setbacks one moment it will feel as if you have to say something to rekindle that the nice moments but try to find something to make the feeling pass. Think back on the negatives think about if it works where will it lead. find some pride in not contacting them. Whether they left or you did they lost out on you they do not deserve you so think NC is like punishment to them like you hurt me screw you im happy now your gone and ill never need you.

[nowwhatz]

I think probably everybody has done this more times than we would like to admit.

Yes the bad feelings come back to me every time I try to break nc/lc.  

What has helped me a bit is to write down my feelings and thoughts in a letter. I started that about 2 weeks ago. Then wait one week and look at the letter again.  On the second or third look I say why would I want to send this? and make revisions... .  but stick to a one week rule.

I did this last night with the letter. I revised it (less words, less feeling etc)... .  put it aside and will wait a week. If I am interested next week I can look at it again.

The same with wanting to text.  I had a bad dream last night and woke up annoyed and that brought up feelings about the exgf. I almost texted her a hope you had a nice week enjoy your weekend amiga text... .  but again applied the one week rule.

It is not easy but I have noticed after X number of recycles everything is easier to manage than before for me.

Try not to beat yourself up as what you are doing and want to do is normal for a caring, loving person.

[Newton]

Perhaps explore your motives/feelings for sending this email.

What was the desire you wanted to satisy?

Realistically could he satisy this desire? Is he capable of that?

It sounds like you a setting yourself up for a predictable fall, most of us here have done the same thing.  Be gentle with yourself, this is a stumble, not the end of the world 

[stevenq]

Dont feel bad. Im going on 9weeks w nc but the other night i had a few. On the way home i stopped at a payphone, yes i actually found one, and called her jst to hear her voice. She answered and i hung up. It was a fri night. Although i didnt talk to her im mad at myself. I wont make that mistake again. She hasnt tried to contact me so that has helped me too. Stay strong!

[nowwhatz]

Dont feel bad. Im going on 9weeks w nc but the other night i had a few. On the way home i stopped at a payphone, yes i actually found one, and called her jst to hear her voice. She answered and i hung up. It was a fri night. Although i didnt talk to her im mad at myself. I wont make that mistake again. She hasnt tried to contact me so that has helped me too. Stay strong!

OMG a payphone! That is straight from the devil haha. If I could find a payphone I might be tempted too.      

[trouble11]

Really?  You would pay to feel bad?  Come on over.  I'll say all kinds of nasty stuff to ya.  I need rent money.   

[HarmKrakow]

It's like staring at a email for the entire saturday (which you are spending alone due to killing all your friends in the conquest of making your gf w BPD happy) and the thought in your head, that little angel on your shoulder saying or giving you the feeling that if you write the email this or that way ... that she might react and even positively. While writing the mail might work therapeutic, the moment by sending it you feel ok, the moment of waiting is     ed up completely.

Checking every hour, did she send? Did she send ... ?

No ... still no ... and hope goes away and then desperate feelings come around the corner again... blergh blergh blergh ...