A new level of detachment for those "leaving"

[real lady]

I can see WHY we, as non BPDs, have SUCH A PROBLEM in validating, caretaking, soft peddling, etc around our pwBPD... .  it is because we REALLY DO NOT WANT TO have this kind of relationship and we tend to want to DENY that we love a MENTALLY ILL PERSON. (let that sink in a moment.)

I have learned SO much here and I continue to remind myself of the wonderful tools that we NEED to learn and APPLY to our conversations with our BPDs. They are working for me.   I have reached a NEW level of detachment. I have SEPARATED my life from his so far that ONLY deep counseling and therapy FOR HIM would even begin to "mend"... .  but that is a GOOD thing. I have detached because I realize that ALL MY DREAMS with him are really JUST "pipe dreams" because of the BPD.

I do NOT take things personally because I am NO LONGER INVESTING in this relationship; oh, I maintain my "role" in his house until I leave. I "serve" him as he is accustomed and do ALL the shopping, etc. But I am NOT investing MY SELF into a relationship with him. I see him play his video games AT LEAST 12 hours A DAY. I will NOT bring up that he is an "addict" and needs "help" as we know how he will respond so I say NOTHING. I will not invest my time or life energy to "do for him what ONLY HE CAN DO FOR HIMSELF". I have detached enough to CARE MORE ABOUT ME than I have before, KNOWING that his lack of empathy and reciprocal love has totally crushed my spirit from being able or willing to "try" to have any kind of relationship with him.

Lately he has "reminded" me of times past... .  good times... .  and I respond "that was LONG ago" and say nothing more. It is obvious, it WAS long ago and it isn't happening NOW... .  something we as NONS need to realize and STOP FOOLING OURSELVES into believing that the loving person who we fell in love with CAN be healed and we both CAN and will be happy. It isn't happening.

Just wanted to shed some FRESH LIGHT on the REASONS that we HAVE TO detach. It hurts to love someone who demonizes your every step; the person YOU adore and love and "used to" want to be with constantly.

It is time to REALIZE WHO WE LOVE and WHAT we are doing to TRY to be with them when DETACHING and "letting go" is the healthiest thing to do... .  as the saying goes "If you love someone, SET THEM FREE... .  if he/she comes back to you, they are YOURS TO KEEP but if not, maybe they never were meant to be yours to have.  I returned to my dear uBPDso... .  after much recycling, I STOPPED and went on with my life and so did he. He did not stop to think of what CAUSED our breakup and he is not likely to be able to SEE that HE HAS, ONCE AGAIN, "let me go"... .  only this time, I will NOT be returning.

A "sad" but CLEAR message for all who are still struggling with "leaving". The way I see it, he has "already left me" when he let his Mistress BPD run our lives.

Wishing YOU well... .  you can do whatever you think is best for your life. Even if it is "not best" for your BPD, it is YOUR responsibility to TAKE CARE OF YOU. I am doing it and MOVING ALONG on my healing path. I wish you the same PEACE and COURAGE as I have found/developed.