Disarmed by compliments

[DesertChild]

I have a problem with accepting compliments. I still feel sometimes that it's not true and I'm about to get a whammy on the side.

Probably because there was always a catch. I'm trying to get better at it, but I still feel either that I'll get punished for accepting it or that it's simply not true. Sometimes my shock is so great I forget to say thank you and when I do, it's often soft.

I've also been told that I tend to underrate my own abilities... .  (which isn't to self pat, but to say, I lack confidence to get paid for the abilities I do have.)

Kinda wondering if anyone else shares in this... .  It's kinda slow getting out of it.

[AnotherPhoenix]

I have a problem with accepting compliments. I still feel sometimes that it's not true and I'm about to get a whammy on the side.

Probably because there was always a catch. I'm trying to get better at it, but I still feel either that I'll get punished for accepting it or that it's simply not true. Sometimes my shock is so great I forget to say thank you and when I do, it's often soft.

I've also been told that I tend to underrate my own abilities... .  (which isn't to self pat, but to say, I lack confidence to get paid for the abilities I do have.)

Kinda wondering if anyone else shares in this... .  It's kinda slow getting out of it.

 DesertChild,

This is a tactic commonly used by manipulators such as BPDs and NPDs to do exactly what you said: disarm you. If you are around BPDs and NPDs a lot, or grow up in a family with members like this, you will tend to become more suspicious than is good. You'll stop letting those compliments and affirmations sink in, which will hurt your ego.

AnotherPheonix

[Claire]

Yes, yes, and yes. I totally relate, DesertChild!

Difficulty accepting compliments: In addition to "there's always a catch" or "it might be taken back in the next sentence", I've identified some control issues I have manifesting themselves in these situations. Accepting a compliment puts the other person in control of the situation. I have to trust that, no matter how I might feel, they saw something good about me enough to say it.

Lack of confidence: I was told the same, repeatedly, by my boss. He would say I was very capable, but I lacked confidence. Now, it's nice of these people to identify the problem, but it's an entirely different matter to fix it. I tried so hard, but you can't just "drum up" confidence. Really it took another job where my boss was very incompetent for me to start to trust myself. I consider myself very fortunate to have had this change of job. You're right that it's a slow process... .  but it always helps to look back at the progress you've made and remember how far you've come.

Walking with you,

Claire

[Rubies]

I have a problem with accepting compliments. I still feel sometimes that it's not true and I'm about to get a whammy on the side.

Probably because there was always a catch. I'm trying to get better at it, but I still feel either that I'll get punished for accepting it or that it's simply not true. Sometimes my shock is so great I forget to say thank you and when I do, it's often soft.

I've also been told that I tend to underrate my own abilities... .  (which isn't to self pat, but to say, I lack confidence to get paid for the abilities I do have.)

Kinda wondering if anyone else shares in this... .  It's kinda slow getting out of it.

 DesertChild,

This is a tactic commonly used by manipulators such as BPDs and NPDs to do exactly what you said: disarm you. If you are around BPDs and NPDs a lot, or grow up in a family with members like this, you will tend to become more suspicious than is good. You'll stop letting those compliments and affirmations sink in, which will hurt your ego.

AnotherPheonix

In my family when somebody gave me  compliment, I asked "What do you want?"  Nobody said anything nice (to me) unless they wanted something.

In my new life I have boundaries.  I can accept compliments at face value from others without worrying about a hook.   I also give compliments freely to others because it feels good.  It costs nothing to say something nice.

[DesertChild]

Thank you. This so clarifies that it was part of my childhood upbringing... .  though this doesn't mean I'll play the blame game--I'd like to take more responsibility for it. However, it's easier to attack if I know the source.

I guess, then, the backlash compliment and the direct undermining of my talents and abilities played a role in underrating myself. I wasn't quite aware of the effect--I knew it was wrong at the time, but I didn't expect long term effects even when I didn't buy into it. I'll definitely have to work on that... .