How do you stay focused on your job and income in these relationships?

[DyingLove]

Hi everybody, just as the topic says, is anyone here wealthy?

Actually, I think I should be asking if everyone here, that is working with the BPD in their life, is in poor financial condition.

I know that money can't buy true happiness, and we all know it can't buy love... .  but it certainly helps tame the situation in which were living. Since I've been part of the BPD world, any concentration I would normally put on working or business or making money have been sharply severed.

All right, so how do you all deal with money issues? I for one have no insurance, not that I've needed it I try to stay away from being ill, my significant other with BPD has insurance, medical, which covers practically zilch.

I've spent a lot of time recently, wrapped up in the woes of BPD, mainly in getting along treating and handling my significant other while maintaining my own sanity. Well we all know that hasn't worked 100%. I've been a business person for a good part of 25 to 30 years, and I really need to get my mind into producing an income. Besides wanting to get back to being a responsible part of my relationship, I see this as a good opportunity to take my mind off of directly working with the BPD and detaching and dealing with other important issues in life.

Feedback please?    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Hi DLNM,

I feel very fortunate and well off, and believe this type of disorder affects all levels.  But your point about putting so much energy in the relationship that it has detracted from your professional life is dead on.  For certain the impact it has had on my own confidence, energy, and even physical stamina has had a huge negative impact on my professional performance.  There were days when I was just trying to get through the day, and really didnt care whether I got anything done at work or not.

Energy spent on a relationship is time/energy not spent doing something else with your life - whether its your career or other hobbies/interest.

I see this as a good opportunity to take my mind off of directly working with the BPD and detaching and dealing with other important issues in life.

Good advice.  I personally am getting stronger and am slowly gaining back other parts of my life, and its helping.  Not only professionally, but in other ways like seeing (or making) friends and social outings, hobbies/interests.  You DO need some balance in your life and it means making these other things a priority.

[empathic]

My work has definitely been affected by this disorder. I don't really have the ability to distance myself and go into "work mode", instead I get very distracted by r/s issues when at work - making it hard to concentrate. I was a respected professional that always delivered what I promised, before our r/s issues began to surface. Now I've put so much effort into researching this, trying to "fix the problem" that it would be enough for a PhD. Time that could instead have been spent on building up my company. I'm the type that needs a lot of alone time and peace in order to solve problems and come up with ideas. Needless to say, this of course is very difficult to combine with the day-to-day life of living with someone who has BPD. If I sit down and think I am not "doing anything".

[Scarlet Phoenix]

My work has definitely been affected by this disorder. I don't really have the ability to distance myself and go into "work mode", instead I get very distracted by r/s issues when at work - making it hard to concentrate. I was a respected professional that always delivered what I promised, before our r/s issues began to surface. Now I've put so much effort into researching this, trying to "fix the problem" that it would be enough for a PhD. Time that could instead have been spent on building up my company. I'm the type that needs a lot of alone time and peace in order to solve problems and come up with ideas. Needless to say, this of course is very difficult to combine with the day-to-day life of living with someone who has BPD. If I sit down and think I am not "doing anything".

I can definitely relate to this. I'm also building up a business (in a foreign country) and it has been really hard staying focused and having the energy to continue building. I haven't done a lot of the things I should have done simply because I've been exhausted, depressed and too wrapped up in his disorder. I've even on a few occasions closed my work for clients for a day or two (without telling my dBPDbf!) just because I couldn't face seeing anybody.

[yeeter]

But here is the thing for ourselves to work on: 

You know its happening.  You know its not healthy to be affected by the relationship so much that other parts of our life go on hold and/or suffer.  Yet - we allow it to happen anyway.

So how to prevent it from happening? 

For me I think the two biggest aspects was A) acceptance (quit obsessing about the state of the relationship and this other person)  and B) detachment (pretty closely related to A)

By getting through these two things I started to put emotional energy into my OWN future.  What 'I' wanted for my life and what I wanted to do and how to live.  Yes it involved this other person, but it was up to me to define how to incorporate them into my life (and how not to incorporate).

The choices werent ideal... .  but part of A was accepting that the choices were just the reality of what they were.  (and maybe I should state that the first step - before A could happen, was a grieving process on my loss of life choices.  This is a big one that many of us here are in when we arrive, and it has to be worked through before acceptance and moving on with life can occur)

Just some thoughts.  Im no where close to the professional productivity I once was, but at the same time I was overly obsessed at work at one point so breaking out of that isnt all bad.

[Foreverhopefull]

I'm lucky to have an extremely understanding boss, which gives me the opportunity to work from home when I need to take him to appointments and stuff like that (I don't anymore which is great) without this affecting my holidays and other paid leave.

My job requires me to be extremely focused when I'm in the office, which is a blessing in a way as I have to forget about home for those 8-10 hrs I'm there. I have enough distractions to keep my mind busy and my staff gives me enough opportunities to "bring me back" if I stop thinking about work.

Income as been hard, very hard. we lost over 2 000$ a month in salaries since he stopped working, for the last 15 months, we've been fighting to get him accepted for disability benefits. We are still waiting for responses. It will not be anywhere close to the 2 000$ lost but it will pay off allot of the bills that my current pay just can't handle.

[Peterpan]

Hi DFLNM

My work was totally taken over in my situation, he worked in the same place,his other woman did as well, it was there that I came across them together (not before seeing it and feeling it, but being in denial over it for a while before that)

I was in a profession that required me to be the life and soul all day long,and it really had a massive affect on me. My work had been my escape from everything else going on in my life (probably why I entered into things with him in the first place)

In one fell swoop I went from that life and soul to a total nervous wreck, a shell of my former self!

I was being sick before entering the building! I couldn't talk to anyone about any of it as he was married as well.

For me it wasn't just our r/s on my mind, but after he walked away from it all and went to work elsewhere, I had to see her every day, go over in my head constantly the things I had heard and seen whilst he continued to deny it and pull at me, and it was total hell!

On the financial side, I started out with a full clean credit card which I kept for emergencies, never using it.

I was so wrapped up in him and all the goings on that I never checked my statements (never thought I needed to as I never used this card)

One day I just happened to open one and found that the whole of my credit had been used up.

I knew my son had taken small amounts of money as a teenager, and I blamed him for this too, he swore it wasn't him, I didn't believe him, It just never entered my ehad that the other one could have taken it.

I never had anything checked because he was my son after all, but after the fog started to lift a little, I began to rethink things ( that man had been rifling through my purse, my phone for months) there had been times in the beginning when he would say things like (if only I had more money,,I could do with a new car, but just need ... .  amount, etc)  Things which had pricked my ears up, but which I ignored becasue I trusted him.

I never did have any of it checked for fear of the outcome (for his wife and family, and my own sanity) I will never know which of them it was, but I do now have an idea (he got his new car around the same time, and it had cost the exact amount he had said he could do with)

I have checked every single statement ever since, changed pin numbers and passwords on everything.

I had the card blocked and paid it all back myself.

It is very easy to say "just close off from it at work" but roller coasters do not have stops along the way like buses do, they run the full course to the end, and then you get off (if you choose to).

I still have days like this at work, but I have become a good actress, I am who I need to be when I'm there, and then do my crying when I leave and before getting into my car.

[Cloudy Days]

Basically I work and my husband doesn't we would be awesome if my husband worked at even a part time job. I make just about enough to cover everything with my job. Of course when I say cover everything, that doesn't mean it covers his impulsive buying of whatever it is that he thinks he needs. He just got insurance that we can't really afford but he wants to see every doctor possible so we just can't afford not to have insurance. He thinks he is dying from cancer. He has stomach problems but so far out of God knows how many tests, nothing is wrong with him. Of course all that means to him is that they are quacks because he knows something is wrong with him. Anyways, so we are stuck with countless medical bills and he wants to keep makeing them and that's not incudling his mental doctors.

Anyways, it's a constant struggle to stay afloat with my husband. His mother helps us out a lot and if she didn't then well we probably wouldn't eat but he would have his cigaretts I'm sure of it. At one point I started working two jobs just so I knew we wouldn't be hurting anymore. It took too much out of me and I was miserable for the entire year I did it. I have been getting bitter about the lack of help from my husband, weather it is lack of help around the house or just lack of working at an actual job. When he married me he told me of all the ways he was going to take care of me, at least finacially. Now I am taking care of him. He is attempting to get disability for mental reasons but they don't really care if your broke. They are going to draw this crap out for another year

[Auspicious]

Certainly not wealthy, but surviving After very, very rocky times.

Learning to not obsess over the relationship, learning to focus on what I can control, learning to say no sometimes when it comes to spending, even though it makes my wife unhappy.

[Chosen]

I am somehow fortunate that my H has not spent out of his means, and we both have jobs and a saving.  But you're right, being in a relationship with a pwBPD does affect my work.

I have, in the past:

- called in sick because he started a fight while getting ready in the morning,

- left work at very short notice because he demanded I do that (to "test" me, I suppose, on what I would do for him),

- just basically drifting off (mentally) or hiding in the bathrooms crying... .  

Obviously all these affected my work and my supervisor's impression of me. 

I don't do that anymore though... .  even in bad times I have learnt to detach (still can't do it all the time, or completely), and when I work I just work... .  not to think aboout things I can't control (like his happiness) or the things he says about me.  It's getting better but can be draining at times.

[yeeter]

Oh ya... .  I forgot about that one:  hiding under my desk crying

Can't believe it

Then for a few years I would schedule business trips just to be away from The house.  No kind of life, traveling all the time to avoid the mess at home.

I dropped the later part of grad school also, to be able to stay home where she could see and control my every move

Just another item that went into the black hole of the relationship

[Rockylove]

I'm self employed and I typically work solo (under certain circumstances there may be others involved in a project, but not always) which gives me way too much time in my own head.  I would replay arguments in my mind to see where things went so astray.  What I found was that I was filling my own head with garbage.  I was over-analyzing situations over which I had little or no control.  When my bf asked what I wanted for my birthday, I told him I really would like to have a boom box so I could listen to music or motivational cd's while I work.  It's what I needed to keep myself sane.

I know your situation isn't quite the same as mine, but perhaps doing something a bit different might help.  If you work from home, perhaps a change of scenery would help... .  take your laptop to a coffee shop or the library.  Anything different from the norm to help you break the cycle.  It's kind of like the theory for quitting bad habits (which I equate to obsessing over a relationship).  If one is triggered to smoke, for instance, while having a cup of coffee on the porch... .  one must stop going to the porch.

[DyingLove]

I'm self employed and I typically work solo (under certain circumstances there may be others involved in a project, but not always) which gives me way too much time in my own head.  I would replay arguments in my mind to see where things went so astray.  What I found was that I was filling my own head with garbage.  I was over-analyzing situations over which I had little or no control.  When my bf asked what I wanted for my birthday, I told him I really would like to have a boom box so I could listen to music or motivational cd's while I work.  It's what I needed to keep myself sane.

I know your situation isn't quite the same as mine, but perhaps doing something a bit different might help.  If you work from home, perhaps a change of scenery would help... .  take your laptop to a coffee shop or the library.  Anything different from the norm to help you break the cycle.  It's kind of like the theory for quitting bad habits (which I equate to obsessing over a relationship).  If one is triggered to smoke, for instance, while having a cup of coffee on the porch... .  one must stop going to the porch.

Good outlook on change Rockylove!  I don't have a vehicle, and there aren't any places that are a stones throw, but I still like the idea... .  I will find a way!  :-)   Right you are about too much time in ones head,  DARN life is short and this is no way to spend the downhill years.  :-)

[lizzie458]

Something I've learned to do which helps me is whenever I notice myself obsessing and wasting time, is to draw up a "powerless" list.  This list includes the things that I have no control over (which are usually the things I'm obsessing over!).  Then I jot down some things I can do which are positive.  Seeing it on paper like that helps me with the acceptance piece, then mentally I just feel a bit more free to continue on with the things I can change, such as working toward meeting a deadline, completing a task I've been sitting on, etc.

[Rockylove]

Life IS too short, dyinglove and there's no good reason I can find not to enjoy every moment~~the bad times are going to be exactly as they are and I will feel badly about them unless I change how I perceive them  

[elemental]

Self employed. The last year + I have been dragging along. This time last year I was about to expand business, but it took a lot of money and focus and once I was knocked on my behind when I discovered his hidden baby... I became a cat chasing a string, thinking it would get better and he would finally take on his effect on people (me!) and straighten things out.

Instead it became an epic nightmare and I walked right into it because I couldn't believe it would go so badly. Result was I lost about 75% of the business I already had and was not able to expand outward.

The good news is what I do does not take massive effort to regain ground on and due to being here, I learned to detach enough to begin that process.

[iluminati]

In my experience, you don't, that's how. 

I ended up losing a couple of jobs immediately before my wife's diagnosis and a job afterwards.  Heck, if you look through my early posts on this board, you can see the carnage.  Even though I managed to cut my wife off from the impulsive spending, I'm still sorting through the wreckage of my career and am trying to get myself together.

The biggest issue in my case was dealing with her and my then-infant daughter's needs.  I ended up having to sacrifice a lot of work stuff in order to keep my daughter safe and sound, and I'm still a bit ticked about it to be honest.  That said, it happened, and there isn't much I can do about it.  The only thing I can do is to move forward.

[rollercoaster24]

I hear you all!

My uBP male partner has not worked for 5 years now... despite having a degree in a mining science...

In the early stages of our relationship, he was keen on helping me at work... Because I am sole charge, and work outside of normal hours, I can take him to work with me... Thankfully, there is nothing he can steal!

I quickly realised just what a mistake I made doing that, all the while he was pontificating how much he loved to help me, and have my company...

I know why he likes my company so much, because I am a great listener!

BP would work 20%, and would spend that ranting, or trying to pick fights... Sometimes, I had to lock myself in the mall, because I refused to be engaged by his rants and accusations any further... He would ignore my pleads to calm down and stop discussing this right now... And it would get ugly... So I would do whatever I could do, to escape...

If he wasn't at work with me, he would pick a fight just before I was due to leave, park behind me so I couldn't, cause some other drama, or follow me to work, and try to start another fight...

I would tell him I would not discuss these things at my workplace, until the cows come home, I would say if you are upset and angry, and want to argue, you are not welcome until you have calmed down...

If you are peaceful and loving, you are welcome any old time... But he doesn't ever register, so I feel like I am banging my head against a wall...

When he does this now, I just say I have a job to do... and since you are denigrating our relationship yet again, and giving me the breakup conversation again, how do you expect me to feel and react? Do you expect me to stand here and listen, when I am at work in the public eye?

I say to use that incredible brain of his, and think about it!

this doesn't get me anywhere either!

In my case, when he realises I am just not going to take his crap, and walk off, stating, "I have a job to do", he will drive past, in full view of the public, sneering at me, asking why I am hanging around him, and then tell me I am a F*****C***, F***You, and F***Off, etc...

Just recently, we were parked in a public place, and I refused to listen and validate and SET anymore... after half an hour of his denigration session of people I love, I told him off... and said that women don't like it when men act and talk aggressively around them all the time... At that, started going on as if he was ignoring me, yet again...

I said, NO more... I am not going to tolerate you talking this way in front of me... With that, he flew out of the car, to walk over to the rubbish bin, and screamed at me as he got out, that the reason I didn't want to listen, was because I was a F***SCAMMER like the rest of them...

There was a young woman sitting on the park bench, right near his favourite parking spot we were in, and I couldn't help feeling that as soon as he noticed her, she was his audience... .  acting like he was an unfortunate victim, and perhaps she would feel sorry for him...

I doubt it... she would run the other way, horrified... .