Couples counseling outside the context of BPD

[lizzie458]

Our T dx'd my dBPDh and told me first (to give me time to process), then told him in an individual session.  H and I have since discussed it and he's actually agreed he has "BPD tendencies" but will not admit he's "full blown BP" (he sees a distinction as a mental health professional himself).  The last T session pissed me off because our T who is usually pretty savvy was taking BPDh at his word which was, of course, wayyyyy distorted.  He sees her individually, then occasionally we have sessions together.  So he gives her all kinds of distorted stories in the individual sessions, then brings them up in couples sessions, and she'll look at me and say "that sounds like a dig" about something I said - according to him.  By the time I straighten her out as to what really happened, he's onto the next thing.  She makes comments like "you both have a problem acting differently than you feel."  Um, yeah, no joke.  But despite working with BP here and there, she is not well versed in the disease, current treatments, or treating non's.  She is unfamiliar with the concept of fleas.

Anyway, the last few sessions BPD has not been mentioned which is fine - except it's almost like we're intentionally trying to ignore the BPD dynamic which makes me feel like we're just chasing our tails.  It's like we're trying to fix a marriage by dealing with surface issues without acknowledging the deeper dynamics.  dBPDh is a high functioning, transparent BPD, who is not seeking treatment.  He bought a book on DBT and looked into a skills group, but I don't believe these to be sincere attempts to recover.  Part of his pattern is to do a few half-assed things to make it look like he's trying, but it's all for show and he has no intention of actually following through (I believe he's too anxious to face the challenge of recovery).

I haven't brought this up in session yet, but will do so next time.  What are your thoughts on this?  Is it as useless as it feels to try to continue counseling this way, ignoring the untreated BPD?  I have noticed my validation and defusing goes out the window during counseling... .  I suppose I've been seeing our sessions as a time to lay it all out there.  But maybe it would help to use the communication skills in session... .  maybe the T would even learn some more about interacting with pwBPD... .  hmmm... .  

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[hithere]

What are your thoughts on this?  Is it as useless as it feels to try to continue counseling this way, ignoring the untreated BPD?

The only thing I found helpful in couples therapy was that she was a little calmer the few days prior to each session, it was like she did not want me to tell the therapist she was bad.  When things were really bad she would cancel the couples sessions.  We also dealt with individual issues rather than the large elephant in the room.  I think it is hard for therapists to deal with BPD it can be frustrating for them also.  I think our therapist would feel he was more helpful to us if he deescalated some current issue and made my person with BPD calmer.

I don't think continuing couples therapy is useless.

[briefcase]

Well, couples counselling won't really treat his BPD . . . he needs individual counselling for that.  In general, I usually encourage people to stick with couples counselling, although many here disagree for some very valid reasons.  I'm sure they'll be along to explain why.  My view is that some professional help is better than no professional help.  You'll need to make the decision about whether its right for you and your relationship.  You can also look in to changing counsellors and trying to find a more BPD saavy one.

[yeeter]

Counseling for us was very invalidating and triggering to my wife.  She then painted them black and quit.  It took about 8/9 different MC's (guess i am a slow learner... .  ) before i realized it was just never going to be productive, and actually made things worse. 

I dropped it.