Not sure what to do... or how to do it...

[Lawst]

Hindsight is 20/20 they say... .  If had known 12 years ago what I know now... .  I would not be in this marriage. 

But I am.  I find myself feeling inextricably linked to this person who has shown me the both greatest and worst parts of herself... .  and myself.  I find myself struggling along the line of knowing the difference between being "in-love" and "loving" someone. 

I knew about 2 years into the marriage that I was falling out of love, but kept trying because... .  what kind of husband would I be if I simply gave up?  She moved to Canada from Europe to be with me... .  leaving her friends, her family, her job at the time.  We married so we could try to be together.  I promised to support her through better and worse, and I signed immigration sponsorship papers promising to support her. 

There was a saying that I once used with humorous, light hearted and playful intentions that "a happy wife makes a happy life".   Now with a more cynical sarcastic sense of humour and maybe a bit of irony... .  I can say that an "unhappy wife makes an unhappy life".  But the depths of her unhappiness, just when I thought I'd reached the basement of it... .  she took me down a crazy underground mine-shaft of manipulative behaviours, unhealthy dependency, verbal/emotional abuse.  I became her everything.  Her husband, her lover, her only friend, her vent for her frustrations and anger, I became the source of her happiness and her sadness and the person - the only person - that she expressed and took her emotions out on.  And me, the problem solving patient personality I am... .  took it.  I tried so very hard to help her.  I got her job interviews, a continued to emotionally and financially support her despite her constant frustrations for not having enough money but not working herself to help fix it.  I 'loved' her.  But I couldn't do all this... .  I couldn't be her everything.  I couldn't get and keep jobs for her, I couldn't make friends for her, I couldn't go to school for her, I couldn't be the source of her love and hate, and her only outlet to express those things.  But I love her.

I turned inward in a way.  My job performance suffered, I became depressed being both unable to solve her problems or cope with my own very well.  I started playing a lot of world of warcraft so much that it became an addictive characteristic that took years to get out of.  She got worse, and more resentful of me.  And I grew more isolated from her because I didn't know how to deal with her anymore.  I ate too much and put on a lot of weight.

I separated from her once a few years ago when I went from one career to another which required me to move to the other side of the country - back towards home on the West Coast.  I had just used my previous savings to buy a house, and she finally had enrolled to start school.  She didn't want to transfer schools and I had to go to the new job to support us even though it wasn't what I wanted to do.  So she stayed, and I went.  Most couple's having some distance put between them would probably feel sad... .  but at the time... .  I felt relieved.  I cried when "home again in my heart" played on the radio as I drove west towards home.  Something about having travelled a long road in life and even though you can go home again, you can't go back in time.  Additionally I felt guilty for feeling like I did.  I felt like I shouldn't be happy to get away from my wife.

So I spent a year and a half out on the west coast without her.  I visited over the holidays and things seemed ok.  Time, distance, and some of the good memories and constant contact with her through email, texts and the phone made things feel like they weren't so bad.  But it also wasn't perfect.  I was once scolded for buying some groceries because it put our account in overdraft and she viciously complained about money.  I was with my cousin and his girlfriend in their car while I was talking to her and they could hear her yelling at me.  I was so embarrassed, hurt and conflicted.  Here was this woman yelling at me for buying some food... .  I had never been a big or irresponsible spender but here there she was, making me feel horrible for getting some groceries.  Inside I felt guilty for thinking to myself that if she'd just get a job... .  even at a fast food place... .  that we wouldn't be so tight on money... .  but I couldn't say it to her because it hurt her feelings and I felt like it would make things worse.  What I didn't realize at the time was what the cumulative effects of things like this were having on me.

She wanted to come out and try out the West Coast with me instead of being apart and wanted to do some of her studies through the universities distance learning.  She refused to transfer to any of the schools out here.

When she got here, she immediately began complaining about the housing arrangements.  Victoria isn't the cheapest place in Canada to live.  We didn't live in a beautiful community.  She complained.  She refused to look for work or accept work she felt was 'beneath' her.  Money was even tighter.  The emotional rollercoaster, emotional and financial dependency continued.  I was the blame, and the expected solution for everything happening in our lives.  She dropped out of her degree program, got more depressed and frustrated... .  and as usual, I bore the emotional turmoil that would follow.  I internalized it, went back to playing video games, stopped exercising again, and began to gain some of the weight I'd lost back. She hated me for playing games, she hated me for working so much and going away for work because it was required, she hated me for being home and screwing up her routine, she hated me for not pitching in with the chores even though they were always done when I got home and there wasn't anything to do.  I was made to feel inadequate, irresponsible, unloved, despised, and yet somehow... .  I felt NEEDED?

I stayed in my job longer giving her the chance to finish her degree... .  she had 5 years to finish it overall and didn't.  Deployments became a thing to look forward to in order to get away from her.  But I wasn't really happy in my job either.  Emotionally I was burned, drained, depressed, unmotivated, not sleeping well, caring less and less about work every day, not even enjoying video games anymore.  I remember one night at sea sitting on the back of the flight deck looking at the glowing phytoplankton or what ever glowing in the wake as we proceeded along our path, and the water looked so inviting, and nobody would really miss me all that much.  I'm thankful I chose not to fall off the back that night.  I got back and started seeing a psychiatrist, counsellor, and a therapist at the base.  I was on medication for depression and all the 'professionals' felt like it was situational depression based on the circumstances I'd described above.

I brought her in for counselling sessions.  She got angrier with me.  I just wanted her to be happy and felt like she needed some help or to be included.  After medication on me started taking effect and I was more calm, collected, and not as overly defensive and emotional, I remember her fighting with me about something... .  and me trying to calm her down.  She kicked one of the cats as it tried to sneak in our bedroom (offlimts to the cats usually) and I stepped in between her and the cat and she hit me on the shoulder.  Now it didn't hurt - at least physically.  She's a pretty well, not strong person anyhow.  But emotionally that sent a shockwave through me.  I began to fear her and what she could do.  I had more trouble sleeping next to her out of fear of being hurt in my sleep than I did on a rolling ship in rough seas. 

I had always wanted to go to law school.  That was my big dream.  I talked to her about applying to schools and made a bunch of applications.  She still hated being on the island and didn't find a job there, so I didn't apply to UVic law in my selections.  As for my career in the Navy, I was being forced into signing a contract extension on direct threat that I wouldn't progress in my mandatory career training if I didn't sign the contract and was told explicitly that 'it's hard to put someone ahead and push their training when they seem on the fence about their dedication to the organization'.  I hated my working supervisors for that.  I'd dedicated a good portion of my life to the Forces, and to be told that was gut wrenching.  Anyhow, long story short, once I started getting law school offers it didn't matter - I didn't sign the extension and requested release instead. 

My wife however, while I was away on that deployment where I got my first law school offers, had found a position with a company in Victoria.  What irony there.  When I said I was going to law school because after 6 years it was time for me to do something I wanted to do for myself, she got angry and called me selfish.  I felt guilty but didn't submit that time.  I said I could accept in Vancouver and we can see each other on weekends... .  she said no... .  "I'll just follow you... .  as always". 

She said that with such bitterness and resentment, and my mind swung back to the cat and her hitting me and I realized that after all these years - her following and being dependent on me - that her coming to law school with me was not an effective solution. I said she could do what ever she wanted.  We kept seeing counsellors and she started getting help for BPD throughout this time as I approached school and she approached what ever decision she'd made.  She chose to go back out east to try to finish the degree she'd started.  I was worried about that decision but it was hers to make.  My only stipulation was that she couldn't follow and live with me... .  because I needed space for myself, and because if she followed me and things didn't change she'd drag me down with her and my school performance would have suffered.  Again, hindsight is 20/20

So here I am, in law school... .  with a BPD spouse living on the East Coast.  While we're separated, I still 'love' her but doubt that I can ever be 'in love' with her again.  I went with a friend to Tofino and when I'd forgotten if I locked the car and said we should go back to check and lock it... .  I began to apologize profusely for it.  She asked me why I was apologizing so much - and I realized another impact that my wife had on me.  She would freak out for little things that really didn't matter and completely berate and belittle me for anything that could have, should have, could have done better or didn't do at all. 

My wife still texts and talks to me... .  and I let her, because I care about her well being.  My family also cares but doesn't know the whole story with her.  She has attempted suicide twice now.  The first time I almost dropped out of law school but managed to arrange help for her through friends i had in the military out there who helped make sure the dogs were ok, and spending a lot of time on the phone with hospital staff to make sure she was ok... .  I stayed and went out for a few days at christmas.  She still makes me feel responsible for how she feels, her suicide attempts, for why she ends up in the hospital, for everything.  And I feel horrible.  I have a hard time focussing on school, I am easily distracted.  While I'm not failing at law school, I know I'm capable of so much more. 

I feel like I failed her.  But also know that I can't help her anyhow.

She needs to help herself.  Nobody else can make her happy with herself.  Least of all me... .  broken, out of energy, now more cynical and sarcastic, yet still somehow hopeful?  I don't know if I can divorce her.  I feel like I don't have the strength to stay with her, or the strength to leave her.  I wish I could have a normal relationship with someone... .  what is that like?  And time apart makes a heart grow fonder... .  I wish that wasn't true.  I don't want to live with her again because I'm scared it will all just go back to the way it was.  I want to move on but don't know if I can, and I don't know if I can't. 


 

[arabella]

Well, first off... .      Glad you found us!

You know, law school isn't the greatest time to be under outside stress - it's hard enough all on its own! Congratulations on getting accepted and following your dream, that's a huge step in the right direction toward reclaiming your life. Now, without focusing on the situation with your wife for the moment, what is your dream for after law school? Where do you want to be? What do you want to do? What type of law are you interested in? I'm asking because sometimes focusing on the other things you want/need will help shed light on other aspects of your life (i.e. your marriage). Don't let yourself get too bogged down in the moment, the drama will paralyse you, you have so many things ahead and you need to look toward that and paint a bigger picture. Bear in mind, you're in school for at least the next 3 (well, 2.5 now, I guess!) years - so you don't have to make any major decisions immediately. Is there something coming up that's causing you to seek out help at this time? Can you just sort of hang out, learn more, and delay making a decision re your wife until you're more sure?

[Lawst]

After law school, other than articling, I really don't know for sure. I have a lot of legal interests and the reason I'm here is because the thing that keeps coming up is her.

I get messages ranging from I miss you, to you're the reason I'm in the hospital and you have no idea what you've done to me.  I get messages saying I want to move back to Europe with you, to 'when the time comes, I want to know you support me and will let me do what I want to do' as she is referring to overdosing on prescription drugs she has 'stocked' up on.

I am having a really hard time dealing with these things - particularly as exams approach.

[GustheDog]

After law school, other than articling, I really don't know for sure. I have a lot of legal interests and the reason I'm here is because the thing that keeps coming up is her.

I get messages ranging from I miss you, to you're the reason I'm in the hospital and you have no idea what you've done to me.  I get messages saying I want to move back to Europe with you, to 'when the time comes, I want to know you support me and will let me do what I want to do' as she is referring to overdosing on prescription drugs she has 'stocked' up on.

I am having a really hard time dealing with these things - particularly as exams approach.

You must do what it takes to keep your focus on your exams.  I don't need to emphasize to you the importance of grades given the current state of the legal market.

I have somehow been fortunate enough to keep my career on track (associate at a large law firm) despite a BPD destroying nearly every other aspect of my life, but even my work has been negatively affected and I hope it's something I will be able to overcome.  A year ago, I was a "rising star" - today, I'm not so sure.

You are preparing to enter a demanding, and not very forgiving, profession.  When you don't do the right things - or do them well enough - at the right time, certain doors can close forever.  Given the immense effort and investment it takes to pursue this type of career, please do not allow another person to cause you to squander your potential.

I would venture to say that the trusty maxim res ipsa loquitur applies here.  No, we're not talking about torts, but "the thing" definitely "speaks for itself."

[arabella]

You are preparing to enter a demanding, and not very forgiving, profession.  When you don't do the right things - or do them well enough - at the right time, certain doors can close forever.  Given the immense effort and investment it takes to pursue this type of career, please do not allow another person to cause you to squander your potential.

^True. On the other hand, as much as I regret derailing on my career path (this is causing me more grief than I care to admit), I would have regretted derailing my personal life more. BUT that's a choice to be consciously made, don't just fall into it. You have some time to think, so use it wisely.

Do think post-articling. Really. Because, here's the thing, do you want to stay in Canada? If your wife is talking about going to Europe, that has major implications for your career. Are you considering going back to the Navy (JAG)? Again, that's going to impact how you see your future with your wife. The legal job market varies a lot depending on your niche, goals, and location - you'll need to chose your courses accordingly.

Her specific messages are kind of irrelevant until YOU decide what YOU want. Have you tried decreasing contact during the exam periods? Because, honestly, with the amount of stress and lack of sleep you're facing, you will not be in any position to deal with her appropriately - you will likely just make things worse.