introducing myself- briefly

[dani4]

My mom and my sister are both uBPD. My father is a highly functioning alcoholic, and he & my mother have been married 40+ years. He has been emotionally unavailable my whole life. When my family gets together they mostly talk about their dogs and gossip about other family members- no one can bear to talk about what is actually going on with us, or what is important. Partly because my mother & my sister are both extremely sensitive to anything that smells like criticism, so that is to be avoided completely (even if it's just normal conversation and not even meant critically- don't do it). My dad doesn't ever say anything unless it's about his dog. Or maybe computers. Seriously.

Anyway this is all moot... because I moved 3,000 miles away 4 years ago, and I see my parents about twice a year, my sister I have seen twice in that time. My mother offered to buy her a plane ticket to come out here (I have two kids, and my mom is desperate for us to appear to be a normal family, which involves the aunt knowing her nieces of course). My sister said yes, and then somehow manipulated the situation to get the money for a new mountain bike instead.

So there is still family drama that manages to suck me in, though I keep it far away at arm's length. I just started reading about BPD a few weeks ago, which drew me to seek out this website. I've known that my family is wacko since 2006, when I divorced my first husband- it opened the doors to a lot of self-knowledge ("How the hell did I end up with that loser?". I just hope that I don't say the same thing about my current husband in a few years, hahaha (laugh of terror- I really hope so)!

Actually my current family situation is pretty great. Considering my background and my husband's family background (probably not BPD but definitely messed up), we are doing very well. We have clashes over some differences in values but we treat each other pretty well and we really communicate. I have a lot of respect for him because he works so hard at everything he does- including domestic tasks. (Umm... I'm not like that.) Our kids are awesome, and I am trying my best to not let my childhood experience get in the way of being a good mother. So far, so good... .  I do notice that under stress and sleep deprivation when my 2 year old is really trying me I can be... .  Pretty Mean and Scary. But I always apologize & empathize ("that was scary... .  mommy shouldn't be scary" and it doesn't happen a lot... I have been getting better about staying calm in all situations. And now I will just leave the room rather than rage at her (it's always bedtime, getting pajamas, changing diaper, etc).

This is totally rambling and all over the place- and it was supposed to be brief! So much for that! Anyway, the big family challenge that is approaching is that my parents are visiting in late April and it has me a bit anxious. The crazy thing is that when I ask myself what worries me most, I can't come up with anything. I actually feel excited and happy that they are coming to visit, but I know that it is going to be AWFUL and I'm going to feel really dumb for encouraging their visit. And then I will do it again... .  UGH.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi dani4,

Good to hear your story! Sorry for the family drama, but it's so good that you're taking care of yourself. Learning to take care of ourselves and work on our own issues is great too. It shows emotional maturity...

I understand not knowing what it is that bugs you. I do the same thing sometimes. *scratches my head* When your family visits in April, will they be staying with you? How do things usually go down when you see them?

Sending much caring and support to you. Good to see you on the Healing Board! 

[Kwamina]

Our kids are awesome, and I am trying my best to not let my childhood experience get in the way of being a good mother. So far, so good... .  I do notice that under stress and sleep deprivation when my 2 year old is really trying me I can be... .  Pretty Mean and Scary. But I always apologize & empathize ("that was scary... .  mommy shouldn't be scary" and it doesn't happen a lot... I have been getting better about staying calm in all situations. And now I will just leave the room rather than rage at her (it's always bedtime, getting pajamas, changing diaper, etc).

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story! Good that you're doing your best to be a better mother to your kids than your mother was to you. Apologies and empathizing are very important for a child. Everyone makes mistakes but from my own experience growing up with a BPD mother I know that it hurts even more if the adult doesn't acknowledge she was wrong and doesn't seem to get or care about how much she has hurt you. So keep up the good work!

[dani4]

Thanks for the replies!

My parents will not be staying with me, which will make the visit easier. They are renting a condo about a mile away. They will stay with us the last night because the condo wasn't available for that one night.

One of the things that is making me anxious about the visit is that I need to be on guard, and I need to work really hard to not allow my parents' needs to go above everyone else's. This is an old habit of mine. As soon as they are in the room I just automatically do everything they want, and everything I imagine they want. Even if it goes against the needs of my very small children, or myself. I let them get away with stuff. For example, last time they were here they had dinner with us practically every night, and this was what we expected. They have greater expectations for dinner than my family does- we can eat a lot of leftovers. So while they were here we went through a lot of effort to make the food more up to their standards, even though we are really busy and this is a big effort for us. A lot of this extra work went to my husband- he does most of the cooking. One evening he grilled for everyone while I was out with my parents & kids for the day. I told my parents that DH was grilling for us while we were in the car on the way back to the house. We were in the car for about an hour, and about 15 minutes after we got to my house my mother announced that they were going out to dinner. Um, why couldn't they tell me an hour ago, when we were discussing dinner? Not only that, but she wanted me to tell her where they could go for good seafood and to give them directions. Meanwhile the kids are tired and hungry, I need to feed them and get them to bed (they were 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 at the time). We don't go out to dinner much, so I really don't know anyplace to tell them off the top of my head... .  what am I, a guidebook? Well I don't voice any of my objections, or tell them to look it up themselves on my computer, I go to my computer and I print out directions to a seafood restaurant for them. I felt so used, but I didn't know how or what to say... .  meanwhile DH did all this cooking and if we had known my parents weren't joining us he wouldn't have bothered. Ugh. If it were my inlaws DH would have said something to his parents, but I just felt mute all of a sudden. I think if I had a normal family dynamic I could have said something, and it wouldn't have been a big deal. But I couldn't speak up, and if I had it would have been WWIII.

So that's one thing. The other thing is that I don't like the way my mom interacts with my kids. She says mean things to my older daughter especially... .  but that's the one thing that gets me to speak up, I can't let her do that.

Anyway I guess I'm really nervous about my mom's tendency to control everything- the conversation, the agenda, etc, and my own feelings of powerlessness to do anything about it. I lose my ability to speak up and voice my own opinions in her presence.

But in an odd way I'm looking forward to seeing them, I think in my mind I'm imagining how it could or should go, even though past experience tells me that I will not get what I want out of this visit.

What is it that I want? I want some acknowledgement about how great I am at parenting my kids. I want acknowledgement of how awesome they are. I want my mom to interact with them and see how smart and special and creative they are- I want her to actually get to know them, which she is so far incapable of.

I don't even think about the fact that my dad will be here. I guess I don't really have any hope for him and anyone's relationship with him- he never talks, there's no point. When he does talk it's because someone is really annoying him and he lashes out way out of proportion with the offense. It doesn't take a psych degree to know it's because he bottles up all his feelings and lets them out all at once on some unsuspecting innocent person. I used to feel sorry for him but as I have made all these new "discoveries" I have decided that he is an adult, and he allowed himself to be bulldozed by my mother. He never stood up for us when we were kids, he made his bed and now is is sleeping fitfully in it. I do feel sorry for him, but I think that he did it to himself out of laziness.

[dani4]

Oh and I agree that it's good to apologize to children and let them see us as human, that it's ok to make mistakes etc etc.

But I don't want to fall into the habit of doing something egregious and then apologizing and "making up" on a regular basis. That happened a lot in my house growing up. My mom would scream at us for no good reason, and usually follow it up with a sugary apology. We were expected to just forgive her and play along with her professions of love and that she "didn't mean it." I don't want to be like that. I'm scared of heading that way. But I recognize that the big difference between me and my mother is that I can feel the anger welling up in me and I can work hard not to let it take me for a ride. I am getting better at controlling myself. I don't think my mom ever did that work.

When I was around 10 or 11 I was very good at predicting when my mom was about to lose it. I learned how to defuse the situation by doing something goofy, or I would just start laughing. I know this wouldn't work with a lot of people but I always managed to catch my mom off guard and get her to laugh. I didn't do it when she was really really MAD, because I could sense when it would do more harm than good. But I remember that I could figure out how to get her to not yell, and make her laugh instead.

[MiddleOne]

I understand losing the ability to speak up in the presence of a controlling person who may flip out over the slightest thing. My father and sister can be like that, although he has mellowed out a bit in old age. A good friend once commented "You're not the same person around them" referring to my reticence to speak in their presence. I don't know whether it will ever change for me, the behavior is so deeply ingrained, so I limit contact with my sister rather than go through the stress of being around an explosive personality.