an area of detachment ive not faced.

[trevjim]

So im slowly working my way through the detachment process, no idea where i am on a scale .

However today something came into my mind about how i feel which ive not really processed.

I had 2.5 really intense years with my BPDex and her son. we split and a day later she got with someone else and it seems from what i last heard from her, that their R/S is going 100mph.

Now of course I was faced with the hurt that comes from all that, and thanks to some great advice on here, Im working through that.

However today I felt a sense of it feeling wrong and replaced. The new boyfriend is now the 'dad' to the boy i was a 'dad' to, he lives in our house we rented, sleeps in the bed we bought, uses the furniture we bought, plays with the cat we bought. you get the picture.

In a matter of months, maybe just one, she has replaced me in everyway possible, with someone else, and he is now living the life i used too.

Now i understand the dynamics of the disorder and why she has replaced me etc and I dont want her back, at least the bigger part of me doesnt at the moment and hopefully that will grow.

However It just feels so wrong, Its as if i was with my family, went to sleep, woke up and was outside the window of the home looking in, and there is a new guy at the dinner table with the family, i ring the door and they come to the door, and say hi who are you?and im not sure how to deal with that.

[sunrising]

Trevjim, Our stories are very similar.  My exwBPD had a son I became very close with and we were also together 2.5 yrs.  

My advice to you would be to consider the "baggage" that comes with your furniture and cat for the new guy.   To continue with your "looking through the window" metaphor, try to remember there's a lot more in there than meets the eyes.  That cat might be cute and purring, but it's mom will scratch any and every man, over and over.   It's not a matter of if, but when.  How many times it happens will be up to the new guy, but as long as he stays, he's gonna get abused.  

You don't want or deserve that.  New guy doesn't either, by he can't see what you can when you look in the window.   Yet... .  

sunrising

[broken but not beaten]

Hey trevjim,I'm sorry your still hurting I've followed some of your posts. I never could understand how my uBPDex gf could nove on so quickly and I did get angry and gave her a piece of my mind,hell she split me black so I thought wth,I told her I knew what she was and what I anticipated her behaviours would be next and why,eventually when she responded she was in victim mode, why did you say that to me your so nasty, you are wrong,you love yourself. I got caught up again and defended myself,told her I loved myself enough not to put up with her bs behaviour. But you know raging and absolute anger with myself and comfort from my mom,hours later  a lightbulb clicked on in my brain. I realized that I had been duped once again and instead of my ex who is the one with the problems, it was me who ends up looking and feeling like an insane idiot, giving her more ammunition with which to get sympathy and more solidarity with her new victims, afterall they have to unite to guard against my craziness as her words were I'm a nut job. With that realization, I feel ashamed of my behavior. I begin to process the events. For the first time in the past 2 months of craziness with this woman, I suddenly got it. I am only crazy with her, no where else in my life ever, has anyone been able to create such a response from me. Normally, I am a laid back,compassionate and confident guy, never really got upset about much of anything, which is what the original appeal was to the ex. However around my ex I become an angry and needy maniac because I am trying to get someone to understand my point of view, a someone whose viewpoint changes every second of the day, a someone who makes promises she cant keep and who is so afraid of being alone that she promises the wildest dreams to people in order to give her an identity which temporarily fills up that gaping hole,empty of a soul. She uses my vulnerability and deepest fears to cut me everytime and I allowed it. Why on earth would I want or need a person in my life whose behavior so impacts me that I lose my very being and identity? I most definately don't. I reflect on new relationships all be it slow and rebuilding friendships but its progress from where I was, I have goals and know that I don't need one single thing from my ex, absoloutely nothing at all, and I'm beginning to see the ridiculousness of the whole farce it was, from beginning to the end. Previously Ive cried about it and cried for her and a 'love lost', but not this time. The absurdity of it all causes me to laugh to myself and suddenly I feel that bit of peacefulness. I don't give a flying f@ck! Could not give two sh!ts what her or her friends think about me. In a few months maybe they will get to know the lay of the land, and the ex will start over with some new victims again. It matters less to her. And now as I sit here my friend, it matters even less to me. I do believe that I am done,no if's no but's no coconuts,done,dusted,finito. And I ask myself, why did I take the abuse for so long? The truth here. I didnt believe in myself. I was needy and was blinded by her 'love' and her false promises. I always try to end things on a good note if possible, but for her that is just plainly unrealistic. I wanted closure from her. She couldn't give me that. In fact, I never got what I needed while in the r/ship. What made me think I could get it outside of the r/ship? I don't know and do not care anymore. What I see now is that I ignored my gut instincts that told me to leave her alone in the first place,I shrugged off all the red flags,the conflicting stories I chose to ignore. She wanted me to help save her and off I went on a rescue mission,trying to save the unsaveable. I can save no one but myself. I made some wrong decisions. But it's ok.I am not going to beat myself up about that anymore. We all make poor choices. I learned some good life lessons in a very hard and painful way. I know better now and am changing my life. Along the way I will still make mistakes and that's ok too but I do deserve better and am giving myself better from now on. I have a new life without her, new people and friends to meet, new things to do and a rekindling of some good old things. I have deleted her no and am going forward to give myself the peace, happiness and respect that I deserve. I am going to guard my new life from my ex and those like her just as hard as I worked trying to save that sinking ship of a r/ship. Its a painful process and I still have a long road to travel,you will find your way too my friend

[mango_flower]

I always feel compelled to reply to your posts as I totally get that feeling of being replaced!  It sucks SO SO much.

You also need to think though, of all the bad things.  Your "replacement" is getting all that too - the anxiety you faced, the painting black at the end, etc etc.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think to myself how my replacement is so happy right now - and that hurts - but soon she isn't going to know what hit her... .  at 100mph.  And yes, as other people said, YOUR replacement will soon be kicking around these boards asking "what happened?" xxx

[trevjim]

Thank you for your replies, you are both right. The hurt she gave me is not worth it, and she will hurt my replacement just the same.

Broken- you say you tried talking to yours in different ways and you became manic etc, that is so true of me.

I have always been quite a laid back person and couldn't believe how I got around her. The thing that amazed me when we split about a week after, with no knowledge of BPD, and trying to get closure, I rang her to chat, and she said I was being disrespectful to her by speaking to her. I couldn't believe it, I was the one who was getting treated disgustingly yet apparently I wasn't giving her respect. That's just a prime example of what I don't want in my life.

[broken but not beaten]

The more you try talking and reasoning the more you give away of yourself. The more you give the more they take until you can't give no more. You bend and try to be what you think they want but the goalposts are constantly shifting. Funnily mine asked for space just the same,said she didn't want to make a wrong decision,I believe she wanted me to begin the bargaining again,re start that rescue mission I was always on. I gave her 24 hrs to make her decision,like you she was angry at me for not giving her enough time,we exchanged messages which resulted in me blowing my top,several hours later I had my moment of clarity,my mental health was not where I wanted it to be,I lost myself,didn't recognise who I was and I'm beginning to take that back all be it slowly. I allow myself to love her and remember the good times,but ill never forget the bad . We deserve better,to remain with them enables their behaviour. You can't love anybody unless you love yourself first

[Clearmind]

Trevjim, we tend to remember all the good stuff – being idealized.

Remind yourself how your r/s ended – this new situation will have the same fate.

To be a positive slant on this – you have come a long way in the detachment process. This new guy really has a huge learning curve ahead of him. He does not know what he is in for.

It’s also common to compare ourselves to the new host – why do we do this? Build your own self worth – this r/s does not define you.

What is the hook that is still apparent to you?

You can't love anybody unless you love yourself first

And neither can your ex TJ. This was a shaky attachment to begin with and so is this new r/s - shaky attachments have no way of becoming a healthy r/s - which ever way you want to deconstruct it.

[trevjim]

Trevjim, we tend to remember all the good stuff – being idealized.

Remind yourself how your r/s ended – this new situation will have the same fate.

To be a positive slant on this – you have come a long way in the detachment process. This new guy really has a huge learning curve ahead of him. He does not know what he is in for.

It’s also common to compare ourselves to the new host – why do we do this? Build your own self worth – this r/s does not define you.

What is the hook that is still apparent to you?

You can't love anybody unless you love yourself first

And neither can your ex TJ.

I think aside from adjusting to how quickly I was replaced and discareded, its probably worrying that everything is going to be great for her and the new guy. I've read that's it almost certainly won't be. I'm trying to shift the focus in my mind away from those two and onto myself.

[Clearmind]

Self love and compassion after a traumatic event is a tricky one TJ. There is a reason why we blame ourselves for the abuse. For me personally, I came out of my r/s feeling shameful and blamed myself for the abuse – this was a hard one to overcome and was very reminiscent of my childhood – I was simply repeating a pattern and it was a self fulfilling prophecy of feeling not good enough.

Blaming myself gave me a sense of control over a situation where I had none. I felt humiliated and defeated at being the subject of abuse. I was told I was to blame by my ex – nothing I did was right so I tried that little bit harder to be perfect. I was not perfect enough.

Our partners expected perfection – this is abusive! You are not perfect TJ and you may have faltered in your r/s numerous times – that is more than OK – in a healthy r/s we are permitted the space to right ourselves and not be subjected to abuse as a consequence – this is playground stuff and not what is expected in an adult r/s.

Can I suggest you begin to look at what a healthy relationship means/is – you may then begin to see the reality of your situation as a comparison – and understand deep down that you are not at fault. Our benchmark for healthy is so off kilter.

We do need to take responsibility for not seeing the red flags to begin with – but we are not responsible for the abuse. It is common that we berate ourselves for not staying despite the abuse – why is that?

Self-sabotage is linked to our "inner critic"--that voice inside our head that puts us down. A great book Soul Without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within. Right now your inner critic is hitting you over the head – common after being faced with trauma.

[Clearmind]

TJ, here is a link to a 12 week free video series: The Self-Acceptance Project - Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness – Session 1 started tonight - great tools for breaking the habit of self criticism and finding self compassion - its a great listen  .

[GustheDog]

I think aside from adjusting to how quickly I was replaced and discareded, its probably worrying that everything is going to be great for her and the new guy. I've read that's it almost certainly won't be. I'm trying to shift the focus in my mind away from those two and onto myself.

Hey man, first of all, you're right - things almost certainly won't be "great" with the new guy.  But, even if they are (suspend reality for a moment), did she or did she not treat you atrociously?

That's really all I need to ask myself anymore when I start to slip.  Is this a nice person?  Could I ever trust this person?  Does this person care for me? 

Resounding "NOs" all around, and such a person doesn't deserve my psychic energy.

[trevjim]

Thank you everyone, I'm certainly trying to shift the focus from her to me now. I will check out those links too 

[Leaf]

Hi Trevjim, Did you make a new home for yourself with Ikea trips and all that? You'll have to mourn the home you made with her as well. A home is a like a partner. It's difficult to say goodbye to it involuntarily, no matter who's going to occupy it next. When my parents got divorced and I had to choose between them, I chose my mother so I could keep my room although I preferred my father. I feel for my ex because I locked him out of the home we decorated together. We fixed up his place together as well. It's so beautiful and it's better I try not to think about that at all.

[trevjim]

Hi Trevjim, Did you make a new home for yourself with Ikea trips and all that? You'll have to mourn the home you made with her as well. A home is a like a partner. It's difficult to say goodbye to it involuntarily, no matter who's going to occupy it next. When my parents got divorced and I had to choose between them, I chose my mother so I could keep my room although I preferred my father. I feel for my ex because I locked him out of the home we decorated together. We fixed up his place together as well. It's so beautiful and it's better I try not to think about that at all.

Yeh we did , Ive so much to mourn, The house, her, her son, our cat. I cant imagine how people who are going through divorces and things like that must feel

[GustheDog]

I cant imagine how people who are going through divorces and things like that must feel

Go read around on the family law/divorce/custody board.  As terrible as I've felt over the past 6 months, my pain is utterly dwarfed by some of the stories over there.  Helps me see that bullet I dodged for what it really is.