I'm Becoming a Shriveling Coward

[downandin]

I think all the rages and anger thrown at me have really impacted me in more ways than I even realize.  There is an issue with a teacher at my son's school and I emailed him to express my feelings and how wrong I thought some of his teaching practices are, and I am literally paralyzed with fear over what he may say in his reply to me.  This is something that I have been noticing a huge amount lately.  I have always been a person who speaks his mind.  If I saw something that I thought was wrong, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, I have always been unashamed to speak up and express my feelings.  If I saw an injustice, I would try to speak out against it.  This is still an integral part of my personality and character, but it is different now.  I will still speak out, but almost immediately I start regretting it.  I start questioning myself and become paralyzed with dread over the reaction of the person or persons with whom I am disagreeing.  I even do it on online discussion groups such as this.  If I ever post my honest and passionate opinion that I know is going to bring contrary opinions, I am filled with dread to read them.  I have never been this way before, but I think it could be that I have become so afraid to express differences of opinion with my wife that I now am projecting this terror onto every situation that involves me expressing my views.  That is not me! I do not want to be this way!  It is really bad, and I am getting sick at my stomach now just thinking about having this integral part of me reduced to a shriveling, cowering nothingness.

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[CodependentHusband]

I can relate to what you are saying... .  I went through thinking along similar lines. What I found out, for me at least, my sense of justice seemed to be pitted against my wanting to please other people in some way. If I feel that something is wrong now, I think about the consequences of voicing my opinion. I guess I always have, but I don't think to the same extent that I do now. It's tough changing... .  Getting to know myself brought up the realization that I didn't like all of my traits. I'm not suggesting that this is the case for you, but your post just made me think about this aspect of my personal growth.

So, what are you going to do? What can you do to change it?

[maryy16]

I too have found that I have become much more afraid of other's reactions to me, especially while I am driving.  My BPDh has horrible road rage and usually flies off the handle at drivers who drive as I do.

For instance, I tend to me a very cautious driver so if I am waiting to pull out into a crowded street (instead of just forcing my way in) and there are cars lining up behind me, I imagine the driver behind me cussing me out, giving me the finger, and screaming "You idiot, what the hell are you waiting for?".

Or if I accidentally cut someone off, I am so afraid that they will start honking and begin tailgating me, even if I wave an "I'm sorry" to them.

[charred]

Sounds like PTSD... .  

[waverider]

You have been taught to be afraid of no win dysregulated conflict, and have come to think of this as the norm.

Learning to cope with high conflict people is a sub catagory of its own, there is much info printed on this subject.

At least you have become aware of it, that is a start, often this position sneaks up on us without truly being aware, but just loosing self confidence.

I would recommend actively posting on as many topics as possible and putting your opinions out there, even in areas you have little expertise. It is not the same as real life conflict, but you will regain confidence in your own right to have an opinion, and more importantly the ability to agree to disagree, rather than win at all costs, which you cant and hence give up.

I used to be the shy wall flower in all discussions, but over the years of posting in various internet forums I have gained confidence in my rights to express my thoughts, and acceptance of the fact that often they will be disagreed with... and the world doesn't end because of it !

My thoughts are opinions not facts, opinions are real and cant be denied, even if the facts on which thay are based on are debatable

[sotiredtoonice]

I have just come across this thread. I have always had a fear of confrontation, but it has gotten so much worse after years of being married to my H. I know that I have a problem, and its nice to know I am not the only one. I let people walk all over me so much it is absolutely ridiculous and I see it, but I don't know how to fix it.

[elemental]

I am afraid, too. At the same time, I feel I need to say something sometimes.

But as time goes on, my fear is growing. And I keep thinking of that phrase "Is this a hill you want to die on?"

No. So it has to be pretty important to me before I speak up to almost anyone anymore.

[Auspicious]

Some of it may be fear. Some may simply be prudence.

Voicing strong opinions does invite conflict. Conflict isn't always a bad thing. But sometimes it is unnecessary.

That said, yes, of course living with someone who is emotionally volatile could increase your timidity.

[yeeter]

Well, for me the relationship destroyed my self self esteem, confidence, and sense of person.  ANY form of conflict became more difficult.

It got better once I was able to do better at taking care of myself.  Sleep.  Eating right.  Exercise.  Spending time with people that loved and supported me.

Remarkable when I look back at the effect it had on me.  Others saw it too and didn't know how to help, but did comment when I started coming out of it (took a period of several years to even start recovery)

[waverider]

Practicing boundaries and experiencing the hard won rewards of sticking to them gives you confidence. Learning how to avoid pointless arguments, how to divert and defuse them when they occur will reduce your fear of conflict.

Accepting you are doing a good job, even if you dont always get it right, and that is ok, will also improve your self esteem. Learning you dont always have to be right and people can voice their own opinions and views, which may be contrary to yours, and it does'nt matter you dont need to dispute it, just let it be and act on your own beliefs.

[DyingLove]

Boy! I can REALLY relate to this!

My first long term job, started back about 1972 and lasted 18 years. This occupation caused me to endup smack dab in the middle of a nervous illness. Yep, Anxiety, Agoraphobia... .  the works.  Finally I could take no more and I was SO FREAKING BAD that I had to send my Son and his friend in to pickup my tools, paycheck and tell them I quit!  How their regard for me caused me such pain and anguish for years.  It took me over 2 years to build myself up after that. Fortunately I was on unemployment for 3 year!. I vowed I would never let anyone take me to that DARK place EVER again.  I self healed only after discovering what nerve related illness actually was.  I've not been back to that place since 1990.  Instead I'm in a different place... .  the BPD world.  But anyway, I vowed never to take crap from anyone EVER again like I said... .  and I haven't. My brother in law (may he RIP) taught me two valuable lessons.  First... .  you've GOT TO LOVE YOURSELF. Second... .  the worse that could happen in any situation is that you can die.  I've learned what it is to love myself and I'm still standing!  I've overcome fear of confrontation and I'm a better person for it.  I still suffer now and again (probably like most everyone does) of fear from being intimidated and also fear of the unknown (which I can usually talk myself out of).  Aside from all the terminology and philosophy of why and how we do things... .  we have a right to living without fear and no one should be able to intentionally cause us pain. Back in the 70's I was ridiculed for complaining about the stress that I was under. Today not a day goes by that someone does not talk about the stresses of life!  It's almost like how they did lobotomy with an ice pick! 

[an0ught]

Hi downandin,

I think all the rages and anger thrown at me have really impacted me in more ways than I even realize.  There is an issue with a teacher at my son's school and I emailed him to express my feelings and how wrong I thought some of his teaching practices are, and I am literally paralyzed with fear over what he may say in his reply to me.  This is something that I have been noticing a huge amount lately.  I have always been a person who speaks his mind.  If I saw something that I thought was wrong, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, I have always been unashamed to speak up and express my feelings.  If I saw an injustice, I would try to speak out against it.  This is still an integral part of my personality and character, but it is different now.  I will still speak out, but almost immediately I start regretting it.  I start questioning myself and become paralyzed with dread over the reaction of the person or persons with whom I am disagreeing.  I even do it on online discussion groups such as this.  If I ever post my honest and passionate opinion that I know is going to bring contrary opinions, I am filled with dread to read them.  I have never been this way before, but I think it could be that I have become so afraid to express differences of opinion with my wife that I now am projecting this terror onto every situation that involves me expressing my views.  That is not me! I do not want to be this way!  It is really bad, and I am getting sick at my stomach now just thinking about having this integral part of me reduced to a shriveling, cowering nothingness.

for your honest post and thank you for the trust you place in this board for not being laughed at by showing your weakness and struggles!

I browsed through your posts and you struck me as a rational and emotionally caring person. It may be worth knowing to you that there is a higher than usual judgmental tone in which you refer to yourself: "Shriveling Coward", "I have Narcissistic tendencies myself.  I know this and fight them all the time." and also fear of being judged "My wife must never find out that I have joined this group and am posting. ", "I don't want to step out of line, because I am a newbie,", "I will still speak out, but almost immediately I start regretting it". It is not unusual that combination of high emotions and twisted reality in BPD relationship erodes our ability to have a balanced view of ourselves. Your self esteem consequently can suffer. If you relate you may want to take a look at this book.

A lot of our members are depressed and are struggling with related (PTSD, anxiety, burnout etc.) issues. Going through the recovery of a BPD relationship is a long and at times very painful process. The key word here is process and there are phases and it takes time. It is not unusual to get on the board, improve your understanding, have a number of successes and then realize - this is too much - I can't cope anymore. The signals you are perceiving are showing you that you are getting close to your limits. Please listen to them!  Anxiety and depression as you describe it feeds on itself and there are ways to get back on track. Be gentle with yourself and if at all possible seek out professional help for yourself.

Hang in and don't feel ashamed to get the help you deserve and need in form of boards, books, medication or F2F talk. This is a temporary problem and you have some control on how long it takes to resolve itself!

You are OK! We all have been there 

[charred]

I have kind of the same feelings at times, and overcompensate, yet still feel that way.

Did martial arts, lifted weights, got to be a bull of a man, won national tournaments and still felt like I didn't want to hurt peoples feelings, but was afraid of something intangible. Only thing that really resonates as true about feeling that way is what I have read about codependency... .  the term started off having to do with people that were enablers around alcoholics... .  but its grown to be people who have been around strongly disordered people, and put those other people ahead of themselves in their concerns... .  they become people pleasers, worry about everyone else's problems, seek to help/rescue them (whether they want help or not... .  and often they don't)... and in the process lose a lot of backbone and self determination.

I have been called ruthless in my work... .  very efficient and able to have a take no prisoners approach to getting the job done. I am a consultant and go in to major companies and try to roll out products that frequently are not wanted by many of the employees... .  and I can out battle nearly all of them. But in my interpersonal relationships... .  my exwife, sister and daughter, all have called me "Major Marshmallow"... as I have a very hard time making decisions where I might hurt someone else's feelings... I become indecisive, nearly crippled by concern... .  and that is what the kind of cowardice you are talking about sounds like to me.

Because of how I acted (N like at work)... my exBPDgf insisted I was NPD... but the tests didn't bear that out, in fact I was below average on the N tendencies... what I did do though, was try to control things... and the control freak aspect of me, is easy to mistake for N. When it came to getting with a T part of the issue was... .  what do I want fixed? What do I want? And I have been focusing on other people and their issues/needs/problems so long, that I can't answer that question. I don't feel like I know what I want or need. I am quick to figure out what someone else wants/needs and then feel compelled to help them get it... .  never mind their complaining that they don't need help. Consequently I am looking at codependency stuff to figure out how to get going again and make myself a priority for once. Other aspects of the codependency issues are things like having no motivation when not trying to help/rescue someone, feeling like you should withdraw instead of sticking your neck out... .  and I find myself being that way... .  while still having the guts to do anything... .  its weird.