Recovery is a process

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is a bit overwhelming making my first post ever; however, I already have one foot in the water and may as well jump in all the way.  I have been angry my entire life until 5 short weeks ago when there was a significant clearing in the storm as an end result of hitting rock bottom with my health and ability to cope with life, career, relationships, essentially everything in 2009.

Since then, I have invested a great deal of time, money and energy in DBT, CBT, Book Studies, Lay Counseling to build self worth, and Theophostic Prayer to heal painful memories. I claim to be on the road to recovery, especially since I have been anger, resentment and bitterness free for 5 weeks--that's an incredible amount of time for me! I still have a very, very long way to go to learn assertive communication, setting boundaries and keeping them, being aware of my maladaptive thinking and exploring my identity, which was stolen from me at a very early age.  

I could easily get angry if I allowed myself to ponder long enough how miserable my life and relationships have been as a result of growing up in a war-torn, raging, unpredictable, verbally, physically and emotionally abusive home.  However, I have the power to change ALL of that moving forward.  I cannot rewrite history (like my BPD NPD mom does), but I have a better present and future by keeping my eye on the prize--freedom from generations of dysfunctional behaviors that have plagued my family.  I have made it my mission, since I discovered I was only a victim if I allowed myself to be, to free myself, thus affecting my relationship with my precious children and grandchildren so that they may heal from what I most certainly passed on to them (that's the most difficult part of the process for me, knowing how deeply others are affected by a family member with BPD (w/NPD traits)).  

My children don't know the horrid details of my childhood; however, they are perceptive and can draw their own conclusions rather than me emotionally abusing them like my PERFECTIONISTIC, codependent father did by telling me every single thing that was wrong with me because he loved me and wanted what was best for me. I try to steer clear from triangulation and allow my children to have their own perceptions, unlike my mom who ripped every person I had ever known, neighbors, friends, relatives, to shreds and divulged the most intimate details of their lives to bolster her argument for what poor excuses for human beings they were.  

In this quest I'm trying to develop trust, confidence, and a positive outlook on life and get rid of enmeshment, manipulation, guilt, and vilifying others (a product of my mother's influence).  My father is dying, and I am desperately attempting to resolve our issues.  :)ad rescued and I allowed it so I could attempt to please him, seeing that he had not held me or ever told me he loved me, for he was too busy trying to figure out how to cope with Mom's tantrums and threats. I've stopped wishful thinking concerning Mom and have essentially cut off most contact--not in an ugly "I hate you way" but just enough to preserve my sanity and allow her in my space only when I am strong enough to do so.  As painful as this journey to separate myself from the behaviors I witnessed and learned is, and even when curled in fetal position and wailing that I can't stand to peel back another layer, I have HOPE.  

[s_hwk]

This is a bit overwhelming making my first post ever; however, I already have one foot in the water and may as well jump in all the way.  I have been angry my entire life until 5 short weeks ago when there was a significant clearing in the storm as an end result of hitting rock bottom with my health and ability to cope with life, career, relationships, essentially everything in 2009.

Since then, I have invested a great deal of time, money and energy in DBT, CBT, Book Studies, Lay Counseling to build self worth, and Theophostic Prayer to heal painful memories. I claim to be on the road to recovery, especially since I have been anger, resentment and bitterness free for 5 weeks--that's an incredible amount of time for me! I still have a very, very long way to go to learn assertive communication, setting boundaries and keeping them, being aware of my maladaptive thinking and exploring my identity, which was stolen from me at a very early age.  

I could easily get angry if I allowed myself to ponder long enough how miserable my life and relationships have been as a result of growing up in a war-torn, raging, unpredictable, verbally, physically and emotionally abusive home.  However, I have the power to change ALL of that moving forward.  I cannot rewrite history (like my BPD NPD mom does), but I have a better present and future by keeping my eye on the prize--freedom from generations of dysfunctional behaviors that have plagued my family.  I have made it my mission, since I discovered I was only a victim if I allowed myself to be, to free myself, thus affecting my relationship with my precious children and grandchildren so that they may heal from what I most certainly passed on to them (that's the most difficult part of the process for me, knowing how deeply others are affected by a family member with BPD (w/NPD traits)).  

My children don't know the horrid details of my childhood; however, they are perceptive and can draw their own conclusions rather than me emotionally abusing them like my PERFECTIONISTIC, codependent father did by telling me every single thing that was wrong with me because he loved me and wanted what was best for me. I try to steer clear from triangulation and allow my children to have their own perceptions, unlike my mom who ripped every person I had ever known, neighbors, friends, relatives, to shreds and divulged the most intimate details of their lives to bolster her argument for what poor excuses for human beings they were.  

In this quest I'm trying to develop trust, confidence, and a positive outlook on life and get rid of enmeshment, manipulation, guilt, and vilifying others (a product of my mother's influence).  My father is dying, and I am desperately attempting to resolve our issues.  :)ad rescued and I allowed it so I could attempt to please him, seeing that he had not held me or ever told me he loved me, for he was too busy trying to figure out how to cope with Mom's tantrums and threats. I've stopped wishful thinking concerning Mom and have essentially cut off most contact--not in an ugly "I hate you way" but just enough to preserve my sanity and allow her in my space only when I am strong enough to do so.  As painful as this journey to separate myself from the behaviors I witnessed and learned is, and even when curled in fetal position and wailing that I can't stand to peel back another layer, I have HOPE.  

[Suzn]

s_hawk   

Your post is a very insightful accounting of your life. I'm sorry you've been through all of this and for your father's condition.    Being able to let go of the anger is a big accomplishment. You've come to the right place, there are many members who understand all that you speak of. I'm very glad you found us!

[NotTheMama]

I've stopped wishful thinking concerning Mom and have essentially cut off most contact--not in an ugly "I hate you way" but just enough to preserve my sanity and allow her in my space only when I am strong enough to do so.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this.  One of the things I struggle with about setting boundaries is, "why is it ok for me to control the nature of the communication with people and it isn't ok for them to?"    I am responsible for protecting myself, and only I have the authority to say what is ok and not ok for me and what I am and am not strong enough for!  Oh! I get it now (until I forget again in my fear, uncertainty and doubt... .  ).  Also, I do not begrudge the other person their own boundaries.  If they have a boundary that says, "you cannot text me" and I have one that says "I will only accept communication by text", the unfortunate reality of then not communicating is sad but I am able to accept it.  I guess I'm re- re- re-discovering the difference between a boundary (whose aim is to protect myself) and an ultimatum (whose aim is to manipulate another's behavior).

I'm so sorry about your father's condition, and I am sending vibes of strength to help you get through this rough time.

[s_hwk]

Actually, I am thanking you for validating one of the most difficult and grievous aspects of this whole process and that is to be able to say "no" to someone I love dearly that causes such unbelievable pain.  It sounds so obvious what needs to be done to protect my sanity and my right to live a reasonably happy life when I see it written, but I suppose it really didn't occur to me to protect myself since it has been about taking care of her (BPD (w/NPD traits) mom) needs and trying to please her in order to not rock the boat or feel guilty or ashamed.  It was only when I completely crashed physically, thought I was dying (stress can really do a number on the body) and could no longer function that I knew I had to take care of me or die trying.  I am generally so afraid to talk to anyone about this big dark secret of my family dysfunction that it took enormous courage for me to express any of this.  You have made my day by showing me that I have something of value to say that means something to someone else and am not the piece of dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe that I've been told I am all my life.  Bless you for your response; it has helped ease my pain in this long, long process.   

[NotTheMama]

Well, without wanting to upset you, I had an insight about what you wrote, and that realization brought up quite a bit of anger.  I'm going to meet with my therapist Thursday to try to work on processing it some.  You said

Actually, I am thanking you for validating one of the most difficult and grievous aspects of this whole process and that is to be able to say "no" to someone I love dearly that causes such unbelievable pain.

You probably meant that someone you love dearly causes such unbelievable pain, and you feel validated about the difficulty of learning to say "no" to that person.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks... .  Yes, it did cause such unbelievable pain to say no to someone I love dearly.  That pain was intentionally inflicted upon me by design, pain that I was trained to feel and take on to myself so that the person would not be inconvenienced or bothered to put out any effort to make me feel guilty for saying "no" or to convince me to do their bidding.  Once they had properly groomed me, they didn't even need to lift a finger;  I was enlisted to be an agent of my own victimization, which continues to this day  .  I am filled with rage by this realization.

I am generally so afraid to talk to anyone about this big dark secret of my family dysfunction that it took enormous courage for me to express any of this.  You have made my day by showing me that I have something of value to say that means something to someone else and am not the piece of dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe that I've been told I am all my life.  Bless you for your response; it has helped ease my pain in this long, long process.   

Shine the big honkin' light of truth on those dark secrets!  Let them own their shame.  Look how damn much power we have and we didn't even realize it because we were constantly being lied to.  You have shown enormous courage, and now that you know you possess that courage, there is no stopping you now.

I'm kind of tearing up here because of this powerful moment... .  

[s_hwk]

You are correct about what I was trying to express.  It has been like cutting off my head (I actually had a dream about wondering if I could cut off my head and have it sewn back on ) to say "NO" to my mom's constant pokes.  I understand your rage, for I too have been enraged at lifelong victimization and conditioned responses that have painted me into a corner.  I am very careful now to not allow my rage to be turned inward and develop into a root of bitterness and resentment.  I've been down that road and the person who suffers most is the one holding the resentment and bitterness.   

Since I have removed myself in a noncombatant manner, she has sent emails about her poor health (pity email) then a friend of hers dying (pity email) then wondering why no one notified her the great grand baby was born (not my job, not my baby, so another attempt at triangulation with me and my children) and many, many more attention seeking only emails.  Unfortunately, I did take the bait for an email that asked me to explain why stress is causing my hair and eyebrows to fall out. I decided to call (my first mistake) instead of trying to explain in an email. I thought, "Hmmm... .  she is actually asking a question about me and showing concern."  Of course, she has not answered the phone in the past 23 years without screening (I have witnessed this firsthand), and I knew she was home because I called the moment the email was sent to my inbox.  You guessed it--she did not answer, nor did she ever return my call or respond to my message because she got what she wanted, and that is a chip in my veneer resulting in me responding to her, thus once again I fall into the spider's lair.  However, instead of becoming angry at myself or her as I have in the past, I just blew it off and considered it a lesson learned.

You stated, "I had an insight about what you wrote, and that realization brought up quite a bit of anger." My first reaction was FEAR that you were angry.  Imagine that!  Dang it, there are times I am so sick of the "auto" response (kind of like being "trained" to respond to anger. Whether it is directed at me or not, someone else's anger provokes a fear response. It's like that notion that a child needs to be comforted by the mom, but the mom is the one frightening the child and so the child has no where to turn.  What the blank do I have to be afraid of but what is unknown, and that is exactly why I am educating myself to get free from a lifetime of circus monkey responses.  At the same time, I am amazingly grateful that I had an insightful moment in this innocuous posting format about how I am "trained" to respond to ANGER.

I suppose we both have gained valuable insight.  Touche'