I'm scared she's trying to break me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't know why she's doing this.

The other day she texted to tell me how much she loved her new girl and they'd got engaged but not to tell anyone.

Tonight I get a text saying "You can tell people about me and X if you like, tell whoever"

It's all about her! Is she trying to hurt me?  Is she trying to make me suffer for wanting to postpone the wedding?  She claims I broke her, but now it appears she is trying to break me, rubbing it in my face 24/7.  And I thought she loved me.  Jeez.

She does sound very sure and very happy.  Urgh.  Her facebook statuses all day have been stupid things like "I love you to the very depth of my soul". Makes me sick to see.   For financial reasons (as I have said) I have to keep her sweet, so can't delete her, but I think I need to hide her facebook activity as it's making me nuts.

I know it's true, she IS in this relationship and it's not something she's made up to hurt me. But it seems now that she's rubbing it in as much as she can!  WHY?  She was never this vindictive before that I ever noticed, towards anyone else!

Makes me realize every single time she does something, how much better off I am now... .  but it still hurts.

My second issue is that I am worried I am splitting!  I idolize the "good her" - the sweet girl I used to know. That's the girl I cry for every day.  And I hate the "new her" - it's like 2 different people and I can't reconcile them.  I am worried I am doing this - is this an unhealthy coping mechanism, or is this ok?

[mango_flower]

I don't know why she's doing this.

The other day she texted to tell me how much she loved her new girl and they'd got engaged but not to tell anyone.

Tonight I get a text saying "You can tell people about me and X if you like, tell whoever"

It's all about her! Is she trying to hurt me?  Is she trying to make me suffer for wanting to postpone the wedding?  She claims I broke her, but now it appears she is trying to break me, rubbing it in my face 24/7.  And I thought she loved me.  Jeez.

She does sound very sure and very happy.  Urgh.  Her facebook statuses all day have been stupid things like "I love you to the very depth of my soul". Makes me sick to see.   For financial reasons (as I have said) I have to keep her sweet, so can't delete her, but I think I need to hide her facebook activity as it's making me nuts.

I know it's true, she IS in this relationship and it's not something she's made up to hurt me. But it seems now that she's rubbing it in as much as she can!  WHY?  She was never this vindictive before that I ever noticed, towards anyone else!

Makes me realize every single time she does something, how much better off I am now... .  but it still hurts.

My second issue is that I am worried I am splitting!  I idolize the "good her" - the sweet girl I used to know. That's the girl I cry for every day.  And I hate the "new her" - it's like 2 different people and I can't reconcile them.  I am worried I am doing this - is this an unhealthy coping mechanism, or is this ok?

[seeking balance]

If I recall Mango Flower, you wanted to stay in contact for the money she owed you, right?

[mango_flower]

That's correct, Seekingbalance.

I need to keep it all nice and sweet, but I certainly don't want to keep hearing about her relationship, nor have her permission to tell everyone she's got engaged.  I mean, how self-centred!

In an ideal world, I would like to have very little contact, the odd text re: birthday, something funny that she saw on the news or whatnot.  I just can't deal with all the hearing about her new engagement and how she hopes I am ok, and how did I really feel, and what am I thinking about it?

I just want to forget.

I guess I can't have my "ideal world" when I am dealing with her... .  hmph.

[seeking balance]

That's correct, Seekingbalance.

I need to keep it all nice and sweet, but I certainly don't want to keep hearing about her relationship, nor have her permission to tell everyone she's got engaged.  I mean, how self-centred!

In an ideal world, I would like to have very little contact, the odd text re: birthday, something funny that she saw on the news or whatnot.  I just can't deal with all the hearing about her new engagement and how she hopes I am ok, and how did I really feel, and what am I thinking about it?

I just want to forget.

I guess I can't have my "ideal world" when I am dealing with her... .  hmph.

Have you told you her you don't want to hear about her relationship as it hurts you?

[mango_flower]

No I haven't. I'm unsure as to whether I should.  I am all for being honest, but I get the feeling that there is a part of her that revels in hurting me, hence telling me she is engaged etc, then texting to say "you can tell people if you want".  And asking me "how do you feel about the fact that I have gotten engaged?".

I don't want to let her see she is hurting me... .  I don't want to give her that power.  Is that bad?  I don't want to play games either, I just wish she would realise and be gracious and not keep going on.

[seeking balance]

I don't want to let her see she is hurting me... .  I don't want to give her that power.  Is that bad?  I don't want to play games either, I just wish she would realise and be gracious and not keep going on.

how do you expect someone to change your behavior if you are not honest about your needs or wants?

sorry, but she is not going to read your mind my friend... .  

[mango_flower]

This is definitely something I struggle with.

I guess I was hoping that although she has BPD, she'd still read between the lines or have the emotional maturity (!) to not keep rubbing my face in it.

I guess I can't predict her behaviour but I get a feeling that her response would be "Fine, you know what? If you can't handle being happy for me, then forget it!  Let's not even be friends!".  She's so black and white that she can't have a halfway inbetween.

It looks like if I say what I really feel, that I may well have to accept that I will never get my money back... .  frustrating! I am struggling with the rent.

[seeking balance]

This is definitely something I struggle with.

I guess I was hoping that although she has BPD, she'd still read between the lines or have the emotional maturity (!) to not keep rubbing my face in it.

I guess I can't predict her behaviour but I get a feeling that her response would be "Fine, you know what? If you can't handle being happy for me, then forget it!  Let's not even be friends!".  She's so black and white that she can't have a halfway inbetween.

It looks like if I say what I really feel, that I may well have to accept that I will never get my money back... .  frustrating! I am struggling with the rent.

Go READ the lessons on the staying board.

Use (practice here if you want) SET or DEARMAN to communicate what you need and why.

Don't be dramatic, keep it simple.

You may want to be prepared to not be friends with her - most cannot do it - maybe you are different. 

Also, what are the exact details of the money she owes you?  Exactly when are you getting paid back?  Exactly how is she paying you?

[mango_flower]

Thank you Seekingbalance - I'm pretty much a newbie here so wasn't aware there was tools on communication.  That is on my to-do list.

She owes me £2500 (which is $3800 in US dollars). 

I loaned her the money for a car (silly me).  She said she'd pay it back when she got a job. She just got one yesterday and texted to say she'll set up a direct debit on her first pay packet and pay off a bit each month.

I have my doubts to be honest - she has a history of debt. Mind you, I have never mentioned the money I am owed - she has brought it up a few times which leads me to believe she at least has the intention of paying it back!  We will see.  Anything would be better than getting none of it back!

Thanks again for pointing me in the right direction for SET and DEARMAN x

[fakename]

mango_flower.

maybe you should work out a payment plan so you at least start seeing some of the money come in...

also, if she's engaged, she's bound to be spending money elsewhere, and you dont want to get pushed to the side or have the money owed to you delayed even further... .  i think it'd be wise to get your money and then make any decisions from there.

im sure it's tough to hear about your ex's new girl... .  i remember one time when i got dumped by my exgf with BPD, for some other guy, the morning after i spent like 2 hours driving in my car aimlessly just chain-smoking cigarettes... .  

i've taken that drive 2-3 times. she left 2-3 times for 2 guys... .  those relationships didnt last long at all.

it's tough i know.  but you have to just keep forcing yourself to do stuff that is good for you.

i've been NC since feb 4th, except for an email she sent me on feb 21st.  it was not easy, and i always had to force myself to work out... .  i am glad i worked out hard this past month - those results are still with me, the pain of not having her and slowly going away.  this was also while she was trying to date others. the good diet and exercise you force yourself to maintain will stay with you for life, a person will not.

[mango_flower]

Thanks Fakename - I know she doesn't have that sort of money - she is skint at the moment! The agreement was when she gets a job and gets her first pay packet.  She starts next month.  Fingers crossed!

Is it bad that it made me happier reading that your ex's two later relationships didn't work?  The jury is out on this one - maybe it'll be the making of her.

[fakename]

hahah... .  it might have made you happier cause youre waiting for her current relationship to fail so she can come back and recycle you... .  

i'm not sure if when i hear a r/s didnt work out for my ex if it brings me joy or comfort. maybe both?

i'm not perfect, so obviously there probably is some joy if she gets hurt, cause she hurt me... .  but in the end, i do want her to be happy.

i think it's more of a matter of comfort to me, in that it wasn't entirely my fault. while i believe it takes 2 to screw up a r/s, i really did all i could to make mine work, and it didnt because she has a disorder... .  

if she breaks up with someone, or is single, i kinda wish she would come back to me, but deep down, i know it'll just be more of the same stuff, and that'll just cause more internal damage to me.

i think i am still undecided, but the difference is i would only get into a r/s if it is healthy for me and if my boundaries are respected.  but i just dont know if that is possible with her.

[Suzn]

It looks like if I say what I really feel, that I may well have to accept that I will never get my money back... .  frustrating! I am struggling with the rent.

So, I would suggest finding a way to secure your rent without her help first. Your rent is your responsibility. Having a place to live is a basic need.

She has a history of debt, why do you think she may change her history? The first thing I would think of in her bringing up paying you is dangling a carrot to keep you engaged. Most mature people know it would be painful to bring up a new romantic interest to a recent ex.

I understand being afraid to tell her to stop. Working on your boundaries may be helpful.

Boundaries Tools of Respect

Here's some food for thought mango flower, truly if she was going to pay her debt because it's the right thing to do would she hold it against you for asking her not to discuss her new friend with you? If she refuses maybe taking a more legal route to collect your money? I mean, honestly, when does someone expect to get a car for free? What happens when you borrow money from a bank to buy a car and you don't pay?