18 years of marriage... What the heck do I do now

[wantmylifeback]

So, this is very fresh and raw for me.

One week ago, on 2/21/13 after overhearing her talking to a girlfriend about a trip in March that was supposed to be a trip to her sisters. However, the redflag was she was talking about a trip during the exact same time frame to go see "Corey" in MN.

I had seen FB posts between the two going back to last summer but I was told he was just a random guy that she had met through an online poker site. I gave my wife the benefit of trust and didn't worry about it. After hearing this conversation between her and and the girlfriend I obviously was concerned.

While she was still sleeping the next morning, I started to dig and snoop. I felt a little guilty going through her phone but after finding damning texts between her and her sister relating to Corey and the MN trip as well as getting into her Facebook acct and seeing messages between her and Corey dating back to April 2012.

After confronting and having her blow up (irrational/extreme anger)... .  cussed at me packed her things and said she was going to her sisters... .  

Well, I continued to dig... .  phone records, email accts, etc. Even called Corey and after talking through the whole situation, he soon realized that she had been lying to him as well... .  told him she was separated from the first time they spoke on the phone. He stated that he had asked her about her marital status because he was going through a divorce in which his wife was also having an affair. Long story short, Corey has become an ally and has shared all correspondence between the two. While nothing physical happened between them, there was intent and nude pictures exchanged from both.

Corey cut off all communication and shared the communication showing he did. We continue to talk through this.

I wish that was the end of it but it is not... .  after talking with her girlfriend in Boise and things that she now realized that were lies, she told me that she knew my wife was unfaithful because 2 years ago when I sent the wife up to Boise for a 2 week get away, my wife had sex with her friend and boyfriend. She also said a couple of nights later my wife had sex with their roommate.

Once confronted, my wife went into a rage... .  finally admitting to sex with her friend (and her boyfriend) she denied the roommate. While admitting, in the same breath saying that they had gotten her so inebriated that she was taken advantage of... .  going as far as saying they raped her. Serious allegations but with that said, this happened the first night and she stayed 13 days longer. She had a rental car, credit cards and cash... .  she was not a captive but she said she was scared to leave.

She raged and raged about how I was an ass for believing her friend over her... .  "you never stand by or believe your wife". I explained my issue with not believing was due to her staying longer if what she said happened, did in fact happened.

Now, I have known my wife has had something wrong for most of our marriage because of many irrational episodes, paranoid accusations, etc

After discovering what I did and beating my head against a wall (just one more time in 18yrs) trying to understand/believe what she was saying... .  I went back to the psychologist we have seen off and on for marriage counseling, told her this whole story and the Dr. stated that in her professional opinion, she felt that my wife had a classic case of BPD. I didn't even know what that was as I had not heard the term.

When I started researching, it was eerie... .  what I was reading was like looking at a summation of my wife and not a summation on some mental issue.

I am hurting so bad right now due to what I have found out. I am also very angry and confused. In a way, having a term/name put to the issues I have been dealing with for many, many years will help me understand (maybe) but it doesn't help with the fact that there is no reality/rational with what I am still dealing with.

I am going into the divorce process and while I think I am still holding out hope... .  I don't think there is any.

She is still gone and when we talk on the phone, it is so hard to talk calmly, which I manage but she doesn't... .  continued denial, pointing blame to others (I pushed her to it, I am an ass for digging/snooping/stalking... .  Boise was they're fault, they raped me... .  

Well, I know this was long, I haven't shared everything I have discovered, I hope this site can help me.

I have not been a perfect husband but I have never done this kind of stuff and at the end of the day, I don't know if I have ever been told the truth on anything in 18 years.

She has been a good mother and has taken care of the house... .  has never had to work, we are comfortable. She did not have the best childhood and that is a whole other story but seeing this big picture I am sure that is related.

At the end of the day I am so hurt, pissed but mostly extremely confused. I have stuck it out through alot of bad times but I seem to remember more good (rose colored glasses?). Talk to her and it has been all bad.

I have alot of research still to do but from what I have learned so far, I realize that I am just the next person in a long line that have been pushed out of her life. The explanations for everyone else not being in her life are obviously now being questioned as nothing adds up.

PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND AND GET THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE

[csswift]

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I have been married for 12 and half years. I will say that leaving with this burden has been HELL on earth. At first I could say I stayed with her because I loved her and because of our son who is now 6 years old. I have stayed now to protect him, and even that has failed. I am reading a book called "To bad to stay, too good to leave". I am about half way through and it is really opening my eyes.  It doesn't tell to leave or stay, but it at least gave me name for where I am at. Relationship Ambivalence.  I will keep you in my prayers. God only allows things in our lives that we can handle with His help. And given what I know now I need all His help He has to offer.

[unlockforty1]

sorry to hear about the pain in your life right now. I was 17 years married to my exW and like you didn't know what BPD was (only that when I did it described her perfectly) I know that the confusion is perhaps even more difficult to deal with than the actual break up. I can only describe the relationship akin to the board game of 'snakes and ladders' and so long the dice moves you up the ladder it was fine but boy land on that snake and you were back to square one in her eyes and placed in the sin bin. Years of this conditioning warp our outlook and we tolerate a toxic partner as a result. I think that the most difficult aspect of this to come to terms with is the sense that you justly expect that you are the aggreived party and that your ex will, or at least should, be able to recognise that. The real anger comes when you realize that they wont stop curtailing that pent-up aggression and let loose on you big time. I could not come to terms with this behavior for a long time but established NC and moved on though as best I could quite badly damaged as a result.  After her affair instead of 'shaking hands and agreeing to be friendly (for the sake of the kids) she went on a rampage of destroying me in the eyes of those kids and pretty much succeded with it also and married her new BF. It sounds hard, but you must remind yourself that you are the good guy here. Your paying your dues now but it will get better. Hold the line and your dignity its about the only thing that your actions will be able to salvage. Good luck, and so long as you do as much research as you can it will answer those questions that normally dont make sense you'll see you will make it.

[briefcase]

Oh man.  Anyone would be spinning after they found all that out.  I've had a taste of it too.  I've been married 18 years too.  Two years ago, my wife's former fiancee reached out to her after many, many years of no contact.  She reached back.  It's a long story, but I caught her many times lying about their communication--facebook, texts, cell phone, snail mail.  The sense of betrayal is painful.  In my case, there was no physical infidelity, bur only because I forcefully inervened a few weeks before her planned trip to meet him.  Since then, we've been able to patch it up, I still have some emotional scar tissue.  

You sound like you are leaning toward ending the marriage.  Are you able to think about the things that are causing you to hold out hope?

[Vinnie]

I know what you mean about the shock and dismay. I loved her passionately for 20 years of marriage, and only found out about her affair two months ago after she turned off emotionally. Now she just served me divorce papers "because of all the ways I failed her" but I really know it's to be with her new Knight. She has lied every which way possible to deny it's more than a friendship (they flew out of town to spend time together but "didn't sleep together" - really? )  They spend weekends at her sister's house but "he's just her handyman."  Arrggg!

When I think I'm making small progress, coming to terms with this betrayal, it hits me from out of nowhere without warning... .  like a half hour ago, I'm working on the computer, when out of the blue I remember, she's doing this other man and now she hates me. A  fresh wave of pain and grief surges through me like acid on a wound, accompanied by the physical sensations of anxiety like voltage going through my body. I think, it's NOT a dream@! It's real, she's gone - no, she's not gone, worse than that, she's now my bitter adversary trying to ruin my reputation and devastate me financially in the divorce. This woman that I romanced, loved deeply, raised children with, and helped in so many ways.

I'm trying to fight going there, but the assault on our psyche is involuntary sometimes.