the Gift of a Wounding r/s

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I would like to discuss how the r/s with my stbxBPDh who has a PD has been a gift for me. Maybe for both of us.

I realize that sounds a little off but I do believe that meeting and trying to relate to him, and ultimately SEEING my own core woulds and poor coping skills brought to light was one of the best things that might have happened to me-as painful as it was. And still is

Without this deeply painful break up I might never have addressed my own childhood, looked closer at my FOO dysfunctions, examined why I chose two angry emotionally unavailable men as mates... .  looked at how I danced MY part of the r/s dance.

I definitely would have blamed HIM completely as the Aggressor and not taken on my portion of the dysfunction-and I did have a part.

In my own way, I brandished and poked sharp emotional weapons at HIS core wounds as well, something I am not proud of doing-but there you have it.

The destruction that we caused/forced together at the end stunned me to wake up, look around and take stock of MY life.

Once the FOG cleared and I began to make those difficult admissions-Yes, I triggered him too. Yes, I caused him pain too. Yes I did not remove myself and I could have. Yes, I tolerated and enabled his really ~ty treatment of me. Yes I married a version of both my parents-and that felt safe and normal.

Lots of my own "stuff" came up that I had repressed for decades-believing myself to be capable, strong, motivated, reasonable. When much of the time I was anything but! I was needy, suspicious, anxious, stressed... and it came out in controlling or avoidant behaviors and questioning others motives. I would dodge , isolate, ask too much, expect too much, yet never verbalize MY expectations. A lonely Stew.

This r/s with my HUSBAND helped me clear my own FOG about myself and my FOO as well. I think the FOG is not all "outer" generated. Some of it is stuff we believe ourselves, from childhood. We bring it into the r/s with us like a shield, a safety net. So we don't see the Danger the r/s represents.

Anyway-whether my HUSBAND and I end up divorced, or create another r/s or never speak again-I will always be grateful for finally WAKING UP. This one r/s seemed to be the catalyst for that, in me.

GL

[gina louise]

I would like to discuss how the r/s with my stbxBPDh who has a PD has been a gift for me. Maybe for both of us.

I realize that sounds a little off but I do believe that meeting and trying to relate to him, and ultimately SEEING my own core woulds and poor coping skills brought to light was one of the best things that might have happened to me-as painful as it was. And still is

Without this deeply painful break up I might never have addressed my own childhood, looked closer at my FOO dysfunctions, examined why I chose two angry emotionally unavailable men as mates... .  looked at how I danced MY part of the r/s dance.

I definitely would have blamed HIM completely as the Aggressor and not taken on my portion of the dysfunction-and I did have a part.

In my own way, I brandished and poked sharp emotional weapons at HIS core wounds as well, something I am not proud of doing-but there you have it.

The destruction that we caused/forced together at the end stunned me to wake up, look around and take stock of MY life.

Once the FOG cleared and I began to make those difficult admissions-Yes, I triggered him too. Yes, I caused him pain too. Yes I did not remove myself and I could have. Yes, I tolerated and enabled his really ~ty treatment of me. Yes I married a version of both my parents-and that felt safe and normal.

Lots of my own "stuff" came up that I had repressed for decades-believing myself to be capable, strong, motivated, reasonable. When much of the time I was anything but! I was needy, suspicious, anxious, stressed... and it came out in controlling or avoidant behaviors and questioning others motives. I would dodge , isolate, ask too much, expect too much, yet never verbalize MY expectations. A lonely Stew.

This r/s with my HUSBAND helped me clear my own FOG about myself and my FOO as well. I think the FOG is not all "outer" generated. Some of it is stuff we believe ourselves, from childhood. We bring it into the r/s with us like a shield, a safety net. So we don't see the Danger the r/s represents.

Anyway-whether my HUSBAND and I end up divorced, or create another r/s or never speak again-I will always be grateful for finally WAKING UP. This one r/s seemed to be the catalyst for that, in me.

GL

[hithere]

It is really nice to hear you pull so much positive out of a painful and disastrous relationship.

I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself and my BPD relationship was also with someone that had similar problems to my mother (both were abusive).

I do know I participated in the dysfunctional dance but I am not yet clear on my contribution, I will keep searching.

[mosaicbird]

I'm right there with you. I am so grateful for this final, terrible break, and for everything that led up to it, because I don't think I would ever have reached the point I have - that of having the scales ripped off my own eyes and finally facing myself - if it hadn't been for her.

I love her, and I hope she reaches this point someday too, so that she can begin her own healing.

(I feel guilt though, too. That it might end up being a gift for me, and for her... .  I don't know.)

[Grey Kitty]

Funny you should mention this now. I just had a conversation with my wife this morning, where I summarized it like this:

My wife's (BPD-style) abusive behavior toward me finally got up to a level where I couldn't just "take it" anymore.

That pushed me to make a shift in myself for my own protection. (Unstated because she already knows: I didn't leave her, I just stopped putting up with and accepting her abuse) Among other things, I showed up on these boards then.

My shift left her with uncomfortable feelings, and no punching-bag-grey-kitty to take them out on. So she then had room to grow and change herself.

She then rose to that challenge. I am inclined to say that she has cured herself of BPD at this point. (Things are never quite that clearly delineated. Now I would say she doesn't meet the the DSM criteria. When I first showed up here, I would have said she did.

So I just want to say that something like the learning that GL experienced through a failed relationship, can be found while saving a relationship as well. And let me add that it sure wasn't easy, although I'm really glad we are still together today!

[MaybeSo]

I am so grateful for this final, terrible break, and for everything that led up to it, because I don't think I would ever have reached the point I have - that of having the scales ripped off my own eyes and finally facing myself - if it hadn't been for her.

I feel the same way.

Also agree with Grey Kitty... .  for some, the the original wounding relationship culminates in some final break and ends that r/s permanently, but for others, two people in a wounding relationship ... .  given space or a 'break', are somtimes able to learn from it and create something else together. 

Either way... .  I am grateful.

[HowPredictable]

Gina Louise,

Your views on how the r/s benefitted you reflect perfectly my own.   In fact, I was telling someone this very thing the other day, someone who had watched me struggle for the past year to do all the very hard but important work that is involved in trying to work through FOO issues.  I would never have reached the point of enlightenment and awareness that I currently enjoy, and it has benefitted me in absolutely every single area of my life... .  family relationships, friendships, work.

Honestly -- and while I didn't enjoy the immense pain it caused me -- this relationship was meant to drag me (kicking and screaming,  ) to a higher level of awareness about myself.   And I think that if I had not met this particular exBPD, I would have met someone other similarly-dysfunctional poor soul to whom I was irresistibly drawn, in order to give the same chance to grow.  (And I will add that before exBPD, I dated a toxic NPD, who actually kick-started the process).  I believe in the concept of a Repetition Compulsion, and I'm just really grateful that this last r/s was the one that got me to open my eyes.

I will add that at this point my sense of gratefulness is the ONLY sentiment that remains; I no longer have any anger, sadness, sense of loss, or really any other negative feelings about this r/s and how it played out.  I wish my exBPD well, and I have no lingering feelings for him.  (Though I do feel very sorry for his plight, in a general way).  

But I can truly only see the good that has come of this experience.  It was excruciating... .  but so very worth it.

[HowPredictable]

On this specific point:

In my own way, I brandished and poked sharp emotional weapons at HIS core wounds as well, something I am not proud of doing-but there you have it.

... .  

Yes, I triggered him too. Yes, I caused him pain too. Yes I did not remove myself and I could have.

Gina Louise, I used to feel badly about this too.  But then I realized that -- much as my exBPD was attractive to me, in (FOO-based) ways that I didn't really understand until later -- he in turn chose ME precisely BECAUSE I would trigger him.  

This was a dysfunctional dance that required two partners, each of whom had a particular role.  Your exBPD needed you to play a certain scripted part, and to scratch at his core wounds while he scratched at yours.  

You learned from it; he is probably hard-wired to be incapable of that. 

[Suzn]

ultimately SEEING my own poor coping skills

It's great you are looking at your past r/s as a gift to help you grow, I share that sentiment. What did these poor coping skills look like?

[Suzn]

This was a dysfunctional dance, that required two partners, each of whom had a particular role.  

You are right HowPredictable, it takes two. Right now we are talking about Gina's role and her growth, let's help keep this on point. 

[gina louise]

Hi Suzn,

Well I mentioned some of them... .  I isolated myself deliberately. Avoided loved ones and family as they wouldn't "get it" (partly true)

I was suspicious, rather than being open and questioning. (inherent distrust of supportive people... .  FOO thing)

I would shut down and withdraw rather than share-as "sharing" my feelings triggered my HUSBAND to either bolt or become violently loud at me.

I distrusted my own perceptions and let others dictate what I felt. (thank you FOO)

I wanted to be parented by my partner, rather than "parent myself"... .  

I wanted others to magically know what I needed. When even I didn't know!

those are just a few... .  

GL

[Suzn]

These are all excellent realizations Gina. I'm curious to know what efforts you have made in each of these to find solutions or healthier coping skills. We know that our coping skills effect all of our relationships, not just romantic relationships, they have an effect on our everyday lives. What are these new skills and how have you practiced them?

Personal accountability is a big part of personal inventory and I'm seeing a trend here. Can you see the "blame" in these statements?

Yes, I tolerated and enabled his really ~ty treatment of me.

I distrusted my own perceptions and let others dictate what I felt. (thank you FOO)

I did the blame game too, it was very hard to extract myself from a victim mentality. "Yes, I did do this but because they did that". Going back and looking at where our behaviors originated is an important step in becoming emotionally mature. These are discoveries. So now that you know where they came from, keeping in mind our parents were parented in a certain way too and theirs before them, what now?

I had to become very aware of when I was feeling the victim, every day, I was vigilant and determined to change this about myself. This is not easy, it is ingrained. One thing I did was to look back here at all the times where I spoke of my ex and others to see where I was placing blame. I also took notice of all the stories about the bad things that happened in this r/s that I was sharing with others (as I was looking for people to take my side so that I could feel justified for my behaviors). I started a journal of all the bad things I felt that others "did to me" in the past so that those thoughts had a place, then I put it away (ended up throwing it away later). That was then, this is now. I stopped talking about all the things my ex did and started talking about myself, what I did and what I'm doing now to change my old ways. I shifted the focus to myself.

With all said, what are you specifically working on right now and do you feel you can do this without placing blame?

[gina louise]

I don't feel that telling my truth is blaming but OK.

this list I shared was a partial version of things I did in that r/s that I feel now-looking back-were not helpful for me, my HUSBAND or the r/s.

So I am really blaming myself for my part.

being 3 months out of a frightening place I feel like I should be able to share my side of what went on, which I only do on these boards and with a few online friends. my kids and family generally have no idea. I don't go through my day crying about how awful it was. (and it was.)

what I am doing right now for me?  I speak up for myself, rather than waiting for others to magically read my needs.

I'm not isolating and withdrawing, staying in touch with family and friends, making the effort to call.

I'm more in touch with my own feelings and do not suppress them-and share them appropriately.

I'm parenting myself with good self care, fun stuff, and well thought out decisions. Nothing too impulsive!

I am deciding what it is I need and want in life, and not being dictated to by a partner or friend.



GL

[maria1]

Gina Louise- great posts and revelations- it's hard work you are doing. Thanks for sharing x

  &   

[Suzn]

Gina personal inventory is where we challenge each other, this is where we roll up our sleeves and do some hard work.

what I am doing right now for me?  I speak up for myself, rather than waiting for others to magically read my needs.

I am deciding what it is I need and want in life, and not being dictated to by a partner or friend.

I'm parenting myself with good self care, fun stuff, and well thought out decisions. Nothing too impulsive!

I'm not isolating and withdrawing, staying in touch with family and friends, making the effort to call.

I'm more in touch with my own feelings and do not suppress them-and share them appropriately.

These are excellent examples of you working on your coping strategies and assertiveness. 

I don't feel that telling my truth is blaming but OK.

Telling our truth is good Gina. Let me be more specific. The text in blue is your truth. The text in black is the "blame".

Yes, I tolerated and enabled his really ~ty treatment of me.

I distrusted my own perceptions and let others dictate what I felt. (thank you FOO)

Can tell your "truth" without the blame?

So I am really blaming myself for my part.

Why? Did you know better then? How would this statement read to you if it said instead "So I am becoming aware of my part." Would it sound more forgiving of yourself?

Blaming is an aversive strategy/behavior of pointing out what happened, wherein whomever your telling (whether it be on these boards, a friend or even yourself) would feel a need to say someone was "the good" and someone was "the bad."

[charred]

Gina L.

Right there with you.

My exBPDgf really upset everything in my life, I was driven to get a divorce and lose a job, etc. However the stress brought me to see a T, and keep digging in to issues, and even though I am 50 I had never really faced my problems head on, and its helping, though a slow and hard process.

Was sure the problem was all my pwBPD, then thought maybe I was NPD, but its more like being codependent, I have focused on what others want and need to the exclusion of my self for a long time. Been derided for being selfish but it was manipulations... .  it is hard to accept and forgive myself for letting other people have so much sway over my life. Working on reclaiming it and making it worth something.

Enjoy your posts, keep up the good work.

[bb12]

Hey GL

Yep - same here. I am over a year out now and the   moments can still happen

I am grateful for the abuse now too. It took someone who defied all logic to make me stop trying to make it work and look at why I couldn't let it go and to start exploring myself instead.

I must admit, I still don't know whether I led or followed in the 'dance'. The longer I am out, the more I suspect my issues were as great or greater than my exBPD.

But I forgive myself. I forgive him. And I am genuinely calm and happy and looking to the future.

Ruminating now is harder to do. I can still find him entering my daydreams and I can shake my head at still being a bit stuck on what just happened. But the moment I snap back into the present, I am grateful to have learned what I have and feel armed for better self-soothing; better choices; better boundary setting.

And strangely, I don't feel lonely anymore... .  despite still being single. I haven't dated in a long time. I feel ready again but completely fine being alone.

A friend said last week that spiritual beings don't feel lonely. So I guess this whole experience has made me more spiritual... .  and aware of life's miracles.

And then I saw a bumper sticker last week that said "Religion is for people who fear hell. Spirituality is for those who've been there" LOL.

bb12