Boundaries vs isolation

[Depression = 72% of members]

My family and I have had a really rough time with my uBPD sister for ages. As long as I can remember, we have always been afraid of her rages, her anger and her threats of suicide.

My mom bears the brunt of it, mostly because, despite my and my brother's insistance that it does not help, she feels like its her duty as a mother to hear my sister's rants so she can find "relief" of all her anguish.

I have been almost certain she is BPD, specially given that I am a training psychologist and know all the symptoms by heart. However, when its your own family, its harder to deal with it, and see it objectively. Specially when the person is high functioning, with gainful employment (though with times of unemployment here and there). But today I found a list from WOES detailing high functioning BPDs... .  describes her to a T... .  literally, every symptoms, every rage, every threat. Its scary.

The reason I decided to do even more research is because I just can't handle it anymore. She and I live in the same city (whereas my brother and mother live 2 hours away). AS I mentioned I am a student at a very demanding graduate program, working towards my PhD in psychology. This means hours of classes, plus clinical rotations plus actual work and other school activities. As it is I am barely holding on... .  and then ofcourse, I get the weekly, or bi weekly call from her. As per usual with some sort of "emergency" and PLEASE CALL ME ASAP! only to then find out its some non-emergency matter. I can't handle it anymore. I can't be her baby sitter, and be at her beck and call all the time. I feel guilty about it but at the same time, its frustrating. It gets worse when I tell her Im really busy, or like recently, I told her I could not use my phone during the day anymore. Suddendly, I get a message on my email every day about how I need to call her immediately.

The thing is, I am afraid that the one day I dont respond will ACTUALLY be an emergency. For example a few months ago she called and I let it go to voicemail. I heard the VM later to find out she had been in a car accident and I had to rush to the hospital as I am the only family member she has in the city. I am struggling to find a balance between boundaries and isolating her even more. Any suggestions about how to deal with it?

[4givrnt4gtr]

My family and I have had a really rough time with my uBPD sister for ages. As long as I can remember, we have always been afraid of her rages, her anger and her threats of suicide.

My mom bears the brunt of it, mostly because, despite my and my brother's insistance that it does not help, she feels like its her duty as a mother to hear my sister's rants so she can find "relief" of all her anguish.

I have been almost certain she is BPD, specially given that I am a training psychologist and know all the symptoms by heart. However, when its your own family, its harder to deal with it, and see it objectively. Specially when the person is high functioning, with gainful employment (though with times of unemployment here and there). But today I found a list from WOES detailing high functioning BPDs... .  describes her to a T... .  literally, every symptoms, every rage, every threat. Its scary.

The reason I decided to do even more research is because I just can't handle it anymore. She and I live in the same city (whereas my brother and mother live 2 hours away). AS I mentioned I am a student at a very demanding graduate program, working towards my PhD in psychology. This means hours of classes, plus clinical rotations plus actual work and other school activities. As it is I am barely holding on... .  and then ofcourse, I get the weekly, or bi weekly call from her. As per usual with some sort of "emergency" and PLEASE CALL ME ASAP! only to then find out its some non-emergency matter. I can't handle it anymore. I can't be her baby sitter, and be at her beck and call all the time. I feel guilty about it but at the same time, its frustrating. It gets worse when I tell her Im really busy, or like recently, I told her I could not use my phone during the day anymore. Suddendly, I get a message on my email every day about how I need to call her immediately.

The thing is, I am afraid that the one day I dont respond will ACTUALLY be an emergency. For example a few months ago she called and I let it go to voicemail. I heard the VM later to find out she had been in a car accident and I had to rush to the hospital as I am the only family member she has in the city. I am struggling to find a balance between boundaries and isolating her even more. Any suggestions about how to deal with it?

[justnothing]

Well I'm not sure what advice to give in the practical sense of the word (i.e. what to do / what not to do) but it kind of sounds like you could use a change of attitude… I mean – don't take this the wrong way but – suppose she ever really DID have an emergency… what exactly would she really need you there for?

I don't have any family living in the country… they're all abroad. I only talk to one family member on a sort of regular basis and to one other once every few months or so… If I got hit by a truck tomorrow; I have no idea how or even if any of them would be able to find out… But that doesn't bother me… you know why? Because for one thing, if I got killed and none of them found out about it – that would be their problem, not mine (my problems would be over... .  ) and for another – because if I didn't get killed and were conscious and able to make a phone call - it would be to call for an ambulance. Even if my family were living right next door to me, what would be the point of even letting them know? And I'm not being hypothetical here… a few months ago I did need to go to the ER and ended up in the hospital for about a week but the only reason I let one of my family members know about it (the regular basis contact one) was so that he wouldn't worry after several days of not hearing from me… if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have bothered telling any of them… I mean what for? Essentially it's just worrying people who can't do anything about it anyway.

Now whether or not having people panic over her is your sisters' only way of feeling loved or not feeling isolated, is a different story… and whether or not you want to go along with that is up to you but one thing you don't have to do is actually worry. If she's not physically disabled and if she's somehow able to live by herself, odds are she can also take care of herself even if she's prone to getting panicky at the drop of a hat…

[InaMinorRole]

Take a look at your schedule and decide for yourself what works out for speaking with your sister on a regular basis. Can you call her every Tuesday and Friday afternoon, for example? Then INFORM her you will be doing this and INFORM her that you don't have time to talk to her except for these times. If she calls at some other time and it's not a genuine emergency, have your speech prepared, and hang up. "Sis, I told you I would talk to you on Tuesday. This can wait until then. Goodbye." Obviously you will have to actually call at the times you said you would. If there really is an emergency she will be able to get hold of you this way. And it may take some weeks but she will catch on to your resolve and the rhythm you established.

She is likely to come up with fake emergencies, or things that seem like emergencies to her but not to any other person. The minute you determine it's one of these, go back to, "Sis, I told you I would talk to you on Tuesday ... .  "

On Tuesday if the conversation sounds like: "You are a horrible person for telling me when I can talk to you and who do you think you are and you should be at my beckon call day and night," then your response, which you have prepared in advance because you know her and you know her ways, is a calm: "You seem to be in a really bad mood right now so I'll talk to you on Friday when you're feeling better. Goodbye."

Don't let her bully you and don't let her turn you into someone you don't want to be. Take charge of the situation.

[Clearmind]

4givrnt4gtr, I know this feeling all too well. My BPDfather use to do the same thing. Oh I would get so mad!

If it really is an emergency and you don’t answer, is it possible she will call someone else?

For me, I learnt that it was not a matter of finding ways to deal with it – it had more to do with working on why I felt guilty for not being at my father’s beck and call.

Honestly, jumping to her every phone call has more to do with you than her.  By answering her back – you are setting up a pattern – for her and you! You are not her keeper, and it may be a matter of setting firm boundaries. What would that look like to you?

Rather than boundaries v isolation could you reframe it to boundaries & your emotional freedom?

[lostchild]

Hi,

Just want to say I totally understand your dilema 4givrn, I am the mom in this scenario.  It is so hard because you worry that the bp will really need you at some point and you won't know.  It is like Peter crying wolf all the time.

My son is the person with bp and because of his actions and outrages his only sibling, my daughter is no contact, and has told him that if anyone else treated her and her children the way he does, she wouldn't be in contact with them either.  He gets upset, feels abandoned and calls me to rant and then hang up.  I'm the mother so I am suppose to fix things according to him.  At the same time he has told me not to contact him and that I can no longer see my grandson.

Anyway, I can understand how he feels so alone as he has no friends or other family members he is in contact with.  I called his couselor and her suggestion was to tell him that if he needs help I will call the police and have them do a wellness check or call 911 for him.

I know that this sounds drastic and somewhat cold, but it helps me to keep my boundaries and emotional health intact.  It seems to work and I have found that he seems to do better when he figures things out on his own (he is 40 yrs. old). 

I agree with clearmind, that if you continue to answer calls it sets up a pattern.  I know, because for years I did answer whenever my son called.  I can't anymore and it didn't change anything anyway.  I know now that in some ways I was enabling him to continue with the same unacceptable behavior.

I hope that you are able to come to a solution that works for both you and your family.  Please don't think I am criticizing you in any way.  My heart goes out to you, because I have been there.

take care,

lostchild

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you guys so much for the responses.

I completely agree that I am not her keeper. Unfortunately, my family tends to be a bit enmesh, and if my sister isn't making me feel guilty for not picking up her calls, its my mom who constantly reminds me that we only have each other, and that I should call her, visit her, and always ALWAYS answer phone calls, from my sister and anyone else in the family. I guess part of the problem is the lack of boundaries in my family in general, so I guess I should definitely assert my own, to both my sister and my mother.

Thanks so much for all the advice!