Finally a breakthrough - Finding out about the past

[tryingpatiently]

After 9 months of constant bipolar like stuggles with my gf, 1 day good next day bad, back and forth. I think I have finally found a breaking point. She has not been able to see any professional as of yet because it takes so long here (she is supossed to see someone in 2 weeks). So technically I have been the one trying to ground her, and be there for her. Alot of talk therapy, and opening her eyes to certain things she wasn't able to see. It took alot of effort because she was always extremely over-defensive about everything, and I had to walk on eggshells at all times. Things were getting better but slowly.

2 days ago I checked through her e-mails, (we are pretty open about these things since after lying to me once, I wanted us to restrict those boundaries) and I was able to find a way to go through deleted e-mails that she had deleted in the past. What I found was alot of things she was hiding from me about her past, alot of things that hurt alot. Since the beginning I could always feel she had trauma due to sexual experiences, and she was keeping it from me because she felt alot of pain and guilt from them. Her e-mails showed me why, and I could understand that at the time she was in a bad place, where only bad influences were around her, and alot of drugs and alcohol being involved. It tore me apart to read these things, but a certain part of me already knew these things, only that knowing the details were hurtful. Although, when I look at it now that I am calm, I realize it could have been so much worse. It is gonna leave a scar because I have always seen things in a certain way, that if you lie about something, it is because you are ready to accept and move on, you are a new person and it is not a part of you. But if you lie about something, I have always seen it as it is because you feel it is still something that is part of you today, and you are just hiding it because you are embarrassed. I am trying to learn that it is because it hurt her deeply, and not because she wanted to hide it from me. It will take some time to get over but I am doing what I can... .  

So the breakthrough was that I confronted her about it, she did not let the information come out easily, and even pretended like she had no idea what I was talking about. It was a pretty painful experience for the both of us, but I kept a solid grasp on everything, and stayed as comforting and respecting as possible, and she finally told me about everything. And it felt as if as she was talking about it all and seeing that I was accepting of it that it took a weight off her shoulders. The details hurt, but it was something that needed to come out. I felt we were finally able to connect on things she always strayed away from and I believe was directly related to her becoming this way. I can already see a huge difference. We are able to communicate deeper and I feel she is not nearly as defensive as she used to be.

Hopefully continuing to talk and discover things about herself will allow us to finally find what it takes to her to get better.

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[esotericdude]

I went through an almost identical experience last month with my dBPDgf and, although it caused a separation of 24 hours or so, we got through it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, confronting her, and hurt us both deeply. I caught her in a lie and then spewed out some things I had been bottling up. We shared blame and got stronger by going through this. Reading your post gave me some solidarity and validated my experience totally.

[briefcase]

tryingpatiently, I am glad she is close to getting some professional therapy.  It sounds like there is a lot in her past that she needs to work through, and therapy is the best place for that.  Sometimes getting things out in the open and communication helps relieve some of the stess underlying the relationship.

If she has BPD, she will really need skilled professional help to recover.  One thing my own therapist warned me about was that I should focus on my role as husband and not try to fill the role of her therapist too - I didn't have the training and it would confuse the primary relationship.  In retrospect, that was really good advice.  I just wanted to pass that along.