Back after an extended absence

[NotTheMama]

  Everybody!  I don't remember when my last post was, but I'm going to guess it was sometime in July, not long after I showed up.  I had to split for a while, because I had to deal with providing extensive hospice care  :'( for my tuxedo cat (hence, the avatar) and it took me several months to get back in the saddle of trying to work on improving myself again.

Thank goodness I had all these tools in my toolbox about being able to feel feelings without being afraid of them, because I know they can't hurt me.

I had an interesting experience on Christmas, helping my mom move some furniture moving some of my mom's furniture from her house to my undiagnosed BPD sister's apartment.  It was brief, superficial, and pretty much uneventful.

I know that I am doing the right thing with the very low contact though, and limiting my interaction to texts (though good to know I can be in her presence and not self-immolate!), based on the events of that day.  She knows that I will not answer phone calls (from anyone, really) and that I will not return her phone calls.  She left me a voice mail earlier in the day, but I ignored it, knowing that I would be seeing her later to give her the furniture.  I sometimes have my husband listen to the voice mails before I delete them, and he is kind enough to provide me with any informative content they almost never contain.    him so much!  Anyway, after I left, I went back to mom's house to visit for a little while, and sis texts with my mom a few times while I'm there.  Later, another call and voice mail from my sis.  So, I could easily see how she might try to tell me, "I couldn't text with my phone, so I had to call!" but I know that's BS because I was sitting right next to mom's phone while they were texting.  And that's the last I've had any contact with that sister.

My other sister (her twin) is having lots of problems herself, and I'm trying very hard to walk the line between not minimizing her fear and not taking ownership of her problems.

Mom, who has her own set of PD traits, of course continues to enable both of them in their self-destructive behaviors.

So here's my thinker for the day.  Am I always going to be the selfish, uncaring, cold b*tch if I only make myself available to help with reasonable requests (they really only ever contact me if they want something, but in fairness, I almost never contact them at all!) and only accept communication within my stated boundaries?  Because I can just save myself the trouble, not do any of it, and get the same result.  Hmm... .  

[GeekyGirl]

Hi NotTheMama,

I'm very sorry about your kitty.  :'( That's always very hard to go through.

It sounds like you're doing some good things for yourself, and you're right: you can validate your sister's feelings and try to comfort her without taking ownership of her problems. If your mother enables your sisters, that's her choice, even though I know that's frustrating for you.

Am I always going to be the selfish, uncaring, cold b*tch if I only make myself available to help with reasonable requests (they really only ever contact me if they want something, but in fairness, I almost never contact them at all!) and only accept communication within my stated boundaries?

It's healthy to have boundaries. Do you feel like you're selfish or uncaring if you uphold them? If I feel like someone isn't respecting my boundaries, regardless of whether it's my parents, a friend, a co-worker, or anyone else, I remember that it's not selfish to make sure that my needs are met, and as gently as I can, let the other person know what is ok instead of what isn't.

Sometimes just phrasing your boundary differently can make a big difference. ":)on't call me at work," turns into, "What you have to say is important to me, but I really can't focus on our conversation while I'm at work. How about we talk after 5 pm?"

Welcome back. 

[NotTheMama]

TFL:)R version:  Thanks for letting me vent.  I don't feel selfish for setting boundaries with normal people.  I just want to be left alone by my family and I have more resentment than a dozen years of therapy have yet to get rid of. 

Super Duper Novel Version:

Thanks, GeekyGirl.  I learned some wonderful lessons from her the 17 years I had her in my life, just as I learned so much from her dear departed "sister" in caring for her during her terminal illness.  They're so much more lovable than people... .   

When the one sister that I will talk on the phone with started talking about bizarro stuff that I know is going to end badly for her, I put on the broken record of "OK... .  how about that... .  huh... .  yep... .  OK".  And when she was catastrophizing I said things like, "I know this is really scary for you, but you are not going to die, and there is no point in jumping the gun and wasting energy on a worst-case scenario that hasn't happened yet.  Please focus on taking care of yourself now and we'll deal with whatever comes later, later."  I guess in hindsight there wasn't much point in saying that, but I meant it to be supportive.

I know my mom's a big girl and can make her own decisions now that I'm grown up.  As the name suggests, I'm "NotTheMama" anymore and she doesn't need me to try to run the show, no matter how much I was put into that role when I was a kid.  I actually haven't tried to tell her for maybe more than a year that her life would be easier if she would let her children experience the consequences of their failures and poor choices.  It was more an observation, like, "yeah this is still going on" just like I observed what was going on with "text-only" sister playing her phone call/voice mail game on Christmas Day.

Although... .  I guess I am angry about all the caretaking she is doing for my sisters, many years into their adulthood, when she couldn't even be bothered to do basic things for me like keep me safe from abuse.  Maybe she's trying to make up for those years or something with my sisters.  I guess it's just too late for me.  But even if it wasn't, I don't want anything from her, except maybe if I'm to be brutally honest, for her to be punished some more.  But that's just a feeling, and I can just acknowledge that feeling and pass it by.

He NO I don't feel selfish or uncaring.  But I would if I allowed them to make me feel that way.  I don't want to subject myself to visits peppered by frequent bickering, shouting matches, name calling and general immature behavior and I'm the weird one for avoiding attempts at contact.  I'm the one who is demanded to explain "what did I ever do to you?" as if I would ever waste my breath on that topic.  Why can't they just see "I don't like you people, why would I want to be around you?"

We have nothing to do with my uBPDMIL and ignore calls/voicemails from her.  We hadn't heard from her in ages and thought she'd finally got the picture, but no, yesterday she called again with some weirdo message about something that is completely irrelevant to our lives.  But in the past few years she has become unable to hold a job or function really, so I'm not surprised that there will be occasional "What the heck?" moments with her.  We seem to weather them fine.

My father lives about a 20 hour drive away, and in the last ~20 years, I have seen him exactly one time.  I loathe the idea of him.  He tracked my employer down 15 years ago and made me cry on the phone in a very public place at work.  Now nobody is permitted to give my contact information to anybody without my express prior permission, so that I do not have to have contact with him.  Some (nutty) people might say, "Well, it's been such a long time since he did anything hurtful, you should give him another chance."  Yeah, it's been that long because I do not allow him in to my world AT ALL.  I don't tell my sister not to talk to me about him, but I don't exactly engage her further on the topic if she does bring him up.  He couldn't provide what I needed when I needed things from him, and now that I don't need anything from him, if there is the risk of harm from interacting with him and no real benefit to me, why would I have him in my life?

I think perhaps the fact that my mother and sisters all live within a few miles of me, I have yet to officially reach that place with them, even though that's where we are de facto.  I only see them a few times a year;  about as often as I see family members that live several hours away.

I think the fact that we have the misfortune to have so many toxic people in our FOO has left me in a "Through the Looking Glass" sort of place.  It's sort of like if you're always losing your job because your horrible boss makes up lies about you and has it in for you at job after job, eventually people are going to go "hmmm... .  maybe it's not so much the boss with the problem here?"  I have moments of uncertainty when I say "If I always have to cut ties with these unhinged family members, maybe it's really I'm the one that's crazy."  Well, I think the fact that I've spent so many years in therapy and made so much progress on myself and am asking that question confirms the fact that I am not.  Plus, mental illness runs in the family, and I'm just lucky to have emerged with only the minor problems that I have.

Anyway, I really like your idea about "how about we talk after 5 pm?" for normal people except what I need to say to my family is "How about never?  Is never good for you?"  My well is dry.  I am exhausted from hearing about their problems and their bottomless pit of need.  I haven't needed help from any of them since 1999, and I would appreciate it if they would extend the same courtesy to me.  Hmm.  I guess that's not true.  I do have one thing I want from them.  I want them to leave me alone.

Oh my god, what a novel!  Thanks for letting me vent!