Powerful scene for the damaged kids

[InaMinorRole]

So many times as I've read through accounts of people's experiences with BPD parents and the lasting pain it caused I felt like the subtext to all of it was the feeling that somehow they weren't good enough, and there was something they should have done differently or something they should do better now. There was a scene in Good Will Hunting that captured this perfectly. It's very powerful and maybe it will stick with some of you as you process your lives.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

[Kwamina]

Hi InaMinorRole,

Thanks for sharing this great scene! I've also for many years felt like it was my fault and that there's something wrong with me so I can really relate to this message.

I love your signature by the way: In the great drama that was my mother's life, I was merely a player in a minor role. My life growing up was just like that too, everything was about my mother and I was merely supporting cast.

[Clearmind]

"A lot of that stuff goes back a long way. Its not about you". I recall having an emotional breakdown just like he did at one point in my healing - it was a turning point.

Our parents were also dealt a hard blow when they were kids - not your fault however it can provide perspective as to how far back this stuff really does go.

That is pretty well true InaMinorRole. We believe as kids we are at fault and that it is about us - we grow up through our teens still believing it - because we are told to trust our parents.

I have now in my 30's finally begun to realize it is actually about me - its my life, my choices now - and that is what matters.

How are you both moving out that support cast role and regaining your emotional independence from your BPD parent and your self worth?

[InaMinorRole]

Thank you for asking about me, Clearmind. I'm in my 50's now, and I generally do well. I taught myself all about boundaries before I knew such a thing existed, and I got out of that house as soon as I could. I became financially independent as soon as school was over, so they had no right to tell me what I could or could not do. I have a number of little quirks that will never go away. I can't stand when I'm treated like I don't matter. This doesn't bode well for the future since modern Western society in general believes the elderly don't matter. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. When people use all their charm and everything else to make whole rooms full of people revolve around them I can't stand that person. Everyone else will come away from the party remarking on how funny or whatever some person was, but I hope I never see them again. It's like I have some sort of socialist-social economy: everybody should get an equal amount of attention around me.

What really sent me into a tailspin was when my father died some years back. Long story short: he was the only thing that stood between me and complete insanity in my childhood, and I had made some sort of internal vow to keep him safe and happy so he wouldn't leave me alone with her. When he died I felt, not like I missed him, but like the world was over. My mother had died years before. He hadn't protected me from anything since I was 18 (and even before that NOT WELL). It's funny how our minds work. We get a little engine running in there and sometimes we find ourselves doing or thinking something irrational, and we have to dismantle it, find this thing we've forgotten about, and look at the engine and say, yeahhhhh about that. I don't need this little protection engine I made when I was 12. Time to go!

I've been married to the same guy for nearly 30 years. One of the reasons I picked him is because he's not a fighting type of person. I don't have BPD, just bouts of major depression, which is brought on by some life event (e.g. cancer).

[Clearmind]

It's like I have some sort of socialist-social economy: everybody should get an equal amount of attention around me.

It’s likely this was required of you as a child and therefore a trigger – “Everyone must receive equal attention otherwise hit_”

I would also imagine that as a child you were not the centre of attention and would never dream of trying to be for the fear of a fall out!

Some childhood stuff there MinorRole – its possible to work on that once you are aware.

What really sent me into a tailspin was when my father died some years back. Long story short: he was the only thing that stood between me and complete insanity in my childhood, and I had made some sort of internal vow to keep him safe and happy so he wouldn't leave me alone with her. When he died I felt, not like I missed him, but like the world was over. My mother had died years before. He hadn't protected me from anything since I was 18 (and even before that NOT WELL). It's funny how our minds work. We get a little engine running in there and sometimes we find ourselves doing or thinking something irrational, and we have to dismantle it, find this thing we've forgotten about, and look at the engine and say, yeahhhhh about that. I don't need this little protection engine I made when I was 12. Time to go!

You may have felt abandoned then Minor – Jeepers I would have too – our enabling parent (mine was my mother) plays an important role in our healing too – we often model our behavior from them – and we are often used for protection, in turn we play the role of protector. Very common dynamic and one I am very aware of.

We now need to learn to protect us - not at the expense of saving others.

I've been married to the same guy for nearly 30 years. One of the reasons I picked him is because he's not a fighting type of person. I don't have BPD, just bouts of major depression, which is brought on by some life event (e.g. cancer).

I hope your recovery goes well!