aging mentally ill parents

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have not received a diagnois, from a medical professional, on my mother.  She is 84 and recently was hositalized for health reasons.  Both of my parents are elderly and recently I helped my father to enter a group home because of early dementia.  He is 88.

I had stepped away from my parents, over the years, to keep my family safe from them   My belief was that she was bi-polar, because of the extreme changes in behavior.  She is very unpredictable and can be really very mean.  I understand this behavior is common with BPD.  I was given the "boarderline mother"

from a health professional, who thought it might help me.  It really did.

I was pulled back in by thier problems two + years ago and now my goal is to set them up in a safe situation.  I received power of attorney and have been handling their finances for 8 months.  Straightening them out over the last two.  I don't want anything from them.

I had two brothers both who have mental illness and both who where alcohlics.  

One died seven years ago who was Schizophrenic.  He had two kids, and two ex wives.  I raised his youngest daughter.  Her mother struggled with also with her mental health.  I raised their daughter and she is my third child.  She is doing really well.  

The other is Bi-polar and is highly functioning.  He is in recovery from alcohol.  But leaves alot of messes behind him.  Five children.  Two bitter ex-wives. Two bankruptcies.  Lots of creditors calling.

My mother believe she is the only one who understands him, and keeps him alive.  It is a very unhealthy codependent relationship.  

I am 55, in a good family,four kids, one grandbaby on the way, with a good man. My kids are college educated except for the 16 year old.  Two are biological, two adopted.  We believe in my family that there are two kinds of people in the world decent and indecent.  Viktor Frankel.  

My stories about my parents could go on and on ... .

It was a very difficult childhood with violence and lots of drama. She came from real poverty and had a lot of loss as a child.  Her mother died when she was 13, it was a family of 14, she was the 14th child, not a lot of parenting. This is who she call's her family.

My father is brilliant and not a nice man.  Narcissistic. He could be violent at times and he was very charming and then very mean.  That narcissistic trait seems to run rampant though the whole family.

The last three years have been really hard trying to find reality vs thier stuff?

I think I want to find resources and someone who will help to keep prespective on this stuff.  

When they are cruel, I can't tell my family, it wears them down.  I am tired and ... .

[Dolores]

I have not received a diagnois, from a medical professional, on my mother.  She is 84 and recently was hositalized for health reasons.  Both of my parents are elderly and recently I helped my father to enter a group home because of early dementia.  He is 88.

I had stepped away from my parents, over the years, to keep my family safe from them   My belief was that she was bi-polar, because of the extreme changes in behavior.  She is very unpredictable and can be really very mean.  I understand this behavior is common with BPD.  I was given the "boarderline mother"

from a health professional, who thought it might help me.  It really did.

I was pulled back in by thier problems two + years ago and now my goal is to set them up in a safe situation.  I received power of attorney and have been handling their finances for 8 months.  Straightening them out over the last two.  I don't want anything from them.

I had two brothers both who have mental illness and both who where alcohlics.  

One died seven years ago who was Schizophrenic.  He had two kids, and two ex wives.  I raised his youngest daughter.  Her mother struggled with also with her mental health.  I raised their daughter and she is my third child.  She is doing really well.  

The other is Bi-polar and is highly functioning.  He is in recovery from alcohol.  But leaves alot of messes behind him.  Five children.  Two bitter ex-wives. Two bankruptcies.  Lots of creditors calling.

My mother believe she is the only one who understands him, and keeps him alive.  It is a very unhealthy codependent relationship.  

I am 55, in a good family,four kids, one grandbaby on the way, with a good man. My kids are college educated except for the 16 year old.  Two are biological, two adopted.  We believe in my family that there are two kinds of people in the world decent and indecent.  Viktor Frankel.  

My stories about my parents could go on and on ... .

It was a very difficult childhood with violence and lots of drama. She came from real poverty and had a lot of loss as a child.  Her mother died when she was 13, it was a family of 14, she was the 14th child, not a lot of parenting. This is who she call's her family.

My father is brilliant and not a nice man.  Narcissistic. He could be violent at times and he was very charming and then very mean.  That narcissistic trait seems to run rampant though the whole family.

The last three years have been really hard trying to find reality vs thier stuff?

I think I want to find resources and someone who will help to keep prespective on this stuff.  

When they are cruel, I can't tell my family, it wears them down.  I am tired and ... .

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi Dolores,

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your parents, that is very exhausting and difficult!  You have found a great place for support and understanding.  We have members here who are dealing with the same issues, and we also have tools and information that can help.  Things can get better for you - there is hope.

I'm so glad that you have a supportive family, that is so important in these situations.  Do your parents live fairly close to you?  Do you see them regularly?

Here is some information which may be helpful: Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Please keep posting, we are here for you.

heartandwhole

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Dolores,

Glad you found us, but sorry for what brings you here. You're not alone here. So many of us have parents and family members with BPD.

It seems like you've done a lot of thinking about the dynamics in your family tree. That's really helpful for seeing the big picture. Men with NPD often marry women with BPD, and childhoods can really influence the development of these disorders. Children who grow up in violence often suffer from mental illnesses and turn to addictions to self-soothe. But out of that environment, it's also very inspiring to hear of the love you have for your kids.

heartandwhole posted some resources that should be very helpful for you. There's a lot of information here in the workshops and articles too. We're a comfy community, so keep posting and sharing! Everyone here is very supportive. Sending you lots of caring for your day.

[zone out]

Delores I can identify with much of what you say - although I only have to deal with the elderly uBPD mother, not the extended family situation.  My mother is a similar age and still thankfully in reasonable physical health and able to live on her own but I have considered recently I really should think about approaching the 'power of attorney' with her - of course it would lead to a tremendous outburst.  For years I wondered if she could be bi polar and it was only recently when I discovered BPD, don't think I even need a clinical diagnosis, she is such a perfect fit for a high functioning BPD.  I also have my own happy family situation which is a bit like a 'comfort blanket' but like you I don't want to burden them with the fall out from every crazy outburst, so very often I try and act normal and pretend nothing is wrong.  However, they usually can tell by the flat tone of my voice, no matter how good an act I think I am putting on.

I have not been a member of this site for very long but it is definitely very helpful to read posts and share experiences.  I am now looking at my mother as something of a 'project' - it helps depersonalise the situation. I wish you well as you sort out arrangements for your parents.

Zone Out