starting to think I'm losing it

[benny2]

Night before last my uBPD bf (or whatever he is) texted me several times while my phone was off. He asked me what did I do wrong now, where are you, ect. I texted right away explaining my phone was off, no response, yesterday morning, no response. So finally I got a bit upset and texted him, if this is'nt going to work, let me know, I'm done with the games. All of a sudden I got a response. He told me he was out plowing the roads. I let it go. Then last night he texted me while I was at work. He was calling me names, like numb nuts, fruitcake. Almost like he was trying to start something with me. I just went around it and ignored it. Now this morning he calls me and says, I was'nt upset, I just figured you were with your kids or something. What the hec! Was I just jumping the gun, thinking he was discarding me again? He certainly had opportunity to let me know everything was fine long before he did. I think he enjoyed making me upset and then made it look like it was all in my head. These mind games are childish and cruel. They make you start to question your own sanity. Its times like this I think I should run before I lose it completely. How do you deal with this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[an0ught]

Hi benny2,

texting can be a great tool. However I wonder whether misunderstandings are not better cleared up with a call?

What kept you sticking to texting?

[benny2]

 I did not call because I knew he would not answer his phone. I let him do the calling. Rarely do I call him. He seems to respond better to texting, not sure why.

[patientandclear]

Me too.  Texting provides control and distance.

[myself]

I go through this too, where she'll only text. I'm expected to be positive but she can be as negative as she chooses. I should respond as soon as possible but she can put it off as long as she wants. It's an instant form of communication but not very deep, so it keeps things on a surface level instead of getting to the roots of what's really going on.

[benny2]

yeah I agree, its their way of keeping things distant. We usually start out texting only, then progress to him calling me a couple times a week, now he calls me once a day most of the time. He diffinately dominates this relationship and apparently everything I do, so he thinks. I think the texting is their way of keeping us out of their stuff.

[TigerEye]

Sounds like you had a short dose of the silent treatment, "why aren't you answering my texts?, I wanted you to reply and you didn't, I'm now having a huff and I'm ignoring you!". After that comes the testing, one or more texts sent to see where you're at. Once he's established that you're not mad at him, he can move on to better communication and it's like it never happened.

Texts can be a problem if they start to go deeper, without facial expressions and tone of voice your words can be twisted so easily, so wording them carefully is an art in itself.

Best advice for the silent treatment seems to be to keep it simple, let them know you are there if they want to talk, (I find a text is enough to do that) and then leave it 'til they're ready because you can bet they'll be in touch when they are.

[arabella]

I know this game! The strategic answering/sending (or not) of text messages. I personally prefer to just answer my texts when I happen to get them - but apparently this is no good. My dBPDh is much better at this game and will delay/stop texting me as a frustration ploy or to show me that he's annoyed for whatever reason. We used to text all the time because it was easier with him being at work and it was fun, but now he's using that connection and our history with it as a weapon. It's super fun! 

Now I just ignore it. He doesn't text back? Screw it. I don't get his text when he thinks I should? Tough. We have enough problems in this r/s, I can't let the texting thing get to me too. It IS crazy making! (I sound more convincing here than irl - it upsets me still, but I'm working on detaching on this issue).

[benny2]

Yes they do use the texting as a tool. A tracking device, a get even device, a secret device. They bring texting to a whole other level.

[briefcase]

Texts can be a problem if they start to go deeper, without facial expressions and tone of voice your words can be twisted so easily, so wording them carefully is an art in itself.

This is very true.  It's very hard to read "tone" in a text or email.  I know its a common way to communicate, but its probably not a good way to raise issues with the relationship.  The clipped communication style is easy to misinterpret.  Often, we (or they) expect texting to be a "real time" communication when in reality there is often a delay - which can then be misinterpreted too.