IT SHOULDN'T BOTHER ME

[mnwushu89]

It has been about 2 months from NC from my ExBPDGF. She was diagnosed and we were together for a year. WE officially broke up in November on mutual terms  but there was the awkward phase of semi contact which ended 2 months ago with her raging like she has never raged before saying she never loved me I was worthless and holding onto something that wasn't there and etc etc typical crazy raging/ During that time though  like 2 or 3 weeks after our break up she began to speak to her new guy and now not even paying attention or realizing I was friends with her on facebook still I saw they are officially together. It bothers me and I don't know why. During our time apart I have completely focused on me going to therapy for my issues and addressing what got me in the relationship in the first place as well as staying and what happened during our relationship. I have also done a lot of changes with me and my only saving grace has been training in martial arts again everyday and finding peace in however many hours I am on the mat.  She has been on my mind even before i found out they were "officially together" and I honestly don't know how to get her out of my mind.

I have read some posts on here from others and that helps. Anytime I start thinking bout things I just come on here for a very much needed reality check on what I went through and the insanity that is BPD. I try to rationalize all the craziness that happened and ask myself is it truly worth it all the build up the cutting down, the her never being truly there for me. The understanding that this new guy too will pass and her expectations will always change. Hell I have even began to seek new interests in dating and meeting new people. While I know I am nowhere near ready for a relationship I have gone on successful "dates" or hung out with people without her popping into my mind which was a HUGE first step. There were times when I would literally freeze and lock up physically and emotionally when I was with someone. I  guess what I am getting at is does it ever truly go away? Here I am a grown 23 year old man crying at my computer over somebody who showed no true emotion towards me and mirrored everything I wanted to see only  to prey on me for her own intentions with no true signs of empathy or love or compassion. Does it ever get better? I sure hope so because I do not honestly know how much longer my mind can take it being in this prison of what was or is "her".

[mango_flower]

Where you are is completely normal... .  if any of us are normal, that is... .  

I understand what it's like to be locked in a psychological prison... .  

I think it gets easier in time, from what I have read here - I hope so! 

It bothers us so much because we gave all we had to give, and that is the key.  We tried, and our best wasn't good enough to fix them. That hurts! And the fact they move on so quickly and seemingly forget us so easily is a real killer.

Just focus on how far you have come, keep taking those small steps every day x