Ex moving out. This is going to be a tough week for me.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I've been seperated from my ex for about a month now. I've made a lot of good progress on myself. Getting back to things I enjoy reconnecting with friends. etc.

That said though she is moving out of my house this week. The arrangement I had agreed to let her stay in my house till she found a place yadda yadda. She's found a place and will start moving stuff out tomorrow. I'm torn apart by this because I know she has to go and I want back in my home. But it also carries a finality to it that is rather sad. I almost don't want her to go. It's like I'm holding onto some false hope in the back of my mind. On top of that she's taking her furniture and some of mine. She asked if she could and I didn't want to fight over it. There has been enough fighting already. Its all so bitter sweet and I'm faced with having to just about start over all over again.

I'm a bundle of raw nerves right now and I'm sure I'll be on edge all week. I'll be glad when its done.

[cska]

Obi,

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. In my experience with my BPD gf, the feeling of loss was excruciatingly painful, even though I knew that there was no other way. You're right, its a bittersweet feeling. In my experience, when she or I would leave, I would feel relieved to have my life back, and that I would no longer be a part of the insanity, but of course, I also felt overwhelming sadness.

But it also carries a finality to it that is rather sad. I almost don't want her to go. It's like I'm holding onto some false hope in the back of my mind.

You became attached to your ex, and even though the relationship was stained by turmoil/insanity, severing an emotional bond is painful.

Try to focus on yourself, and not on her moving out. Easier said than done, I know... . Hang in there!

[ObiRedKenobi]

Thank you for your support. It is extremely painful but it has to happen.

When I first left I split town and went to stay with some family more so they could talk some sense into me when I wanted to go back. I remember that feeling of freedom, we had just fought and the hurt was fresh on my mind. As time wore on I started to get that pull to go back. I knew it hurt her and I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't stay. I've got perspective now and believe stronger than ever we HAD to split up but its heartbreaking.

I've got something planned every day this week after work. Also my running is progressing faster than I thought. I'll be back to 7 miles 5 days a week in no time and I'm left so tired that I just go right to sleep. I'll make it through this. Its going to be tough but I feel like when its done I can finally start to move forward with my life. That too sucks to think about because its without her after we made so many plans together but I try not to think about that too much right now.

[ObiRedKenobi]

She's started moving things this morning and has been laying the guilt on really thick through text messages. I hate it for her and do feel a bit guilty. But the relationship was toxic and going no where fast. I really hate all of this but it has to happen. The thought of living the rest of my life or at least a significant part of it with this woman is just not something I can handle.

[cska]

I know, pwBPD are skilled at the guilt tripping. Until I got a grip on myself (it took me a year), the guilt would just eat me alive. Are you able to keep busy with friends or family and not look at your phone? That was a strategy that worked for me. I went on a week long vacation with family, and disconnected myself from my phone, and I came back a totally different person... .

And yes, spending time with family and supportive friends was a life saver for me.

The thought of living the rest of my life or at least a significant part of it with this woman is just not something I can handle.

I also realized that, but I had to constantly remind myself of that, or else my longing for her would suppress my voice of reason.

Its going to be tough but I feel like when its done I can finally start to move forward with my life. That too sucks to think about because its without her after we made so many plans together but I try not to think about that too much right now.

I know how you feel, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my ex. We were planning to start a family. But living with a person like her would have been absolutely unbearable. I want to be with someone who is kind and supportive, not someone who criticizes me all the time and degrades me in every way. When the sadness starts to kick in, remind yourself of all the things your ex put you through. What made you want to leave?

[ObiRedKenobi]

She stomped on me while I was asleep on the couch then grabbed something and split my head open. I'm 6'2 and she's 6'1 and stronger than some guys I know. Its not the first time she'd opened my head up. But each time she got physical the beatings got worse. I never struck back. Guys don't hit girls thats just how I was raised. Still the physical pain didn't really hurt it was the daily telling me I'm nothing i'll never ammount to anything, or I'm not a real man. Thats the stuff that hurt.

Whew I needed that reminder Thank you!

[cska]

Obi,

Wow... . You really needed to get out fast. Good for you for realizing that and taking action. I often found that I would "forget" all of my ex's abuse when I would start to miss her, and would only remember the good times. The only thing that would alleviate that is when I would tell my friends about all of the abuse that I've suffered. Once I would verbalize it, I would immediately see that I need to get my life back, I can't be a part of this madness.

I made a list of all the bad things my ex did to me and would read it every time I would long for her. I put the list on a visible place so that it would always be in front of me. (I downloaded a sticky notes program onto my laptop and put the list on a sticky note so that it would pop up on the desktop every time I would turn my laptop on.)

Also, I found a list online of what a good relationship means.

www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_60/74_dating_list.html

I think this a pretty good list, to remind myself of what I really need in a relationship. Its common sense, but I seem to loose all common sense when I start to miss my ex. So I look at the list very frequently to remind myself. Its pretty silly, I know, but it works for me... .

[ObiRedKenobi]

There is no doubt the relationship had to end. It is crazy though how sometimes I'm just willing to forgive and forget all the bad. I have a list of all her favorite insults, and the times when things got physical. I'll read that or go look in the mirror and I'm reminded why it won't work.

For the most part I've done ok. I've done really well for myself actually. This week is just a rough one for all the obvious reasons.

I enjoyed that article. It does seem common sense but its crazy how common sense can go out the window when we get involved with someone with BPD.

[ObiRedKenobi]

Today was interesting. She asked me to do some things at the house that she couldn't do. So I went and did them. Apparently I didn't do what she wanted "right" even though there's nothing wrong with what I did and I've been cussed at since then.

Its just exhausting since I feel like I've done everything I can to make this easy on her. I'm pretty much going to be starting over from scratch and even still trying to make the best of things she feels like I've done her so wrong. I can't wait till this is done so I can just block her number and go NC.

[cska]

Obi,

I know how you feel, pwBPD are so rude/cruel at times, even though we do our best to help them in the best way that we can. A very similar story actually happened to me 2 days ago. I'm in NC with my ex, but she was taking an online class and she had a final exam coming up. She was extremely anxious, and she contacted me, and so I was on gchat comforting her and encouraging her as she was doing her exam (the exam was open computer, and she was allowed to work on it all day). So for hours I encouraged her, told her that she could do it etc. I really wanted to support her b/c I didn't want her to fail the exam.

Right after she submitted the exam she started to b*tch at me, and telling me that it was a mistake to contact me etc. So I replied with a nice comment that congratulated her on finishing the exam, and told her to get some rest.

She replied with this (I'm just copying and pasting her reply):

"youre an ___hole. you know it makes me ENRAGED when u try to be nice with me when im upset at you... . holy jesus christ I HATE YOU SOO MUCHHHHHHHHHHH... . U NEVER MAKE ME HAPPY ANYMORE AND I WISH U DIDNT EXIST"

It made me really sad. I did all I could to make her feel better... .

[ObiRedKenobi]

sorry your going through that but it does help me that I'm not alone in this. Its absolutely insane. Its not worth trying to be there and help out.

The situation has been helpful to me in other ways. I don't have to remember the bad times when I feel like I miss her. I don't miss her at all when she's jumping all over me. I'm not the same wimp I was a few weeks ago. I'm not unhappy that she's unhappy, I don't feel like I need to rush in and take care of her. I'm just finishing doing what I think is right by her and then its done. I'm sure I'll miss her once I go NC for a while but I have plenty of bad memories and anger about that to keep me from going back.

[ObiRedKenobi]

Well this was interesting. I got a text from my ex asking if I could help move some heavy stuff because she is all by herself. Against my better judgement I agreed to and headed over.

What was interesting is that when I saw her and any interactions were just matter of fact and emotionless. I didn't really feel anything when I saw her. I was sad but not really because of her. It was more just a confirmation that what I loved was a dream and not something grounded in reality. The best news is that she's almost completely out and gone and I can get on with my life. I'm ready to move forward.