Splitting

[SadWifeofBPD]

I think Splitting can occur when the pwBPD applies a "sin" to a person who has no history of that "sin," but that person has innocently done something that reminds the pwBPD of an earlier incident with someone else.

For example: 

One time I was very busy working on our kids' school fundraiser.  Very busy.  H was in another room watching his fav baseball team.  I walked in the room and (making conversation) asked him what the score was.  H exploded and said that the only reason I asked was because I "knew" his team was losing.  I had no idea what the score was.  I didn't even know who the opposing team was, nor did I know what inning it was.  I could NOT convince him that my question was completely innocent (no sin!).   He would not believe me!   This was shocking to me because I have NO HISTORY of asking people (especially him) what the score is to "rub it in" when a fave team is losing.  I rarely know any scores, teams, or anything. 

HOWEVER, I do think H's older brother was the type to do this.  When they were young boys, I would NOT be surprised to learn that his older bro was the type to "rub losses in" in some cruel way.  BUT... . H isn't able to use "gray thinking" and he's not able to process and think, "hey, my wife isn't the type to do this.  She wouldn't know the score.  She's busy with something else."    No, in H's mind it's either "black" (being cruel) or "white".   Obviously, if his team had been winning then my blind question wouldn't have been upsetting, but he assumed that I was asking for a cruel reason. 

I often wonder if he would have exploded if - say - an older lady had walked in and ask him?   I have to hope that he wouldn't have verbally attacked an innocent older person, but maybe he already was feeling "negative feelings" towards me because of the time being spent on this project.  H is VERY needy and becomes very upset when he thinks something else in my life is taking my time. 

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[SadWifeofBPD]

BTW... . it's only been a minute since my above post, yet the editing pencil icon isn't showing.  Why?

[SadWifeofBPD]

I believe that they don't bond from the same "place" that we do - their bond is formed around and from a fantasy, (not from the actually depths of who they are) so although it's quite intense, it's actually quite shallow - not really an "attachment" at all - more like a dependancy.

I agree, which is why people can be discarded... . especially if they quickly attach to someone else. 

Yes, their relationships are shallow.  My H had a golf-foursome with the same men for YEARS.  They went golfing nearly every Saturday.   When one of them suddenly died, I asked my H if the guy had a wife and kids, and my H said, "of course he did."  When we went to the funeral we learned that the guy had never married and had no kids.  How could my H golf with the same guy for YEARS and not know that basic info?   How is that even possible.

Oh, and one year he called me while I was visiting my parents and told me that a co-worker of his had committed suicide (gun to the head... . H even mentioned the type of gun and claimed that co-workers told him this info).  Later I learn that the guy died of a heart attack... . no gun/no suicide... . at all.   H just ASSUMED that the guy killed himself because the guy wasn't very old (about 50).   How weird.  Who assumes suicide out of nowhere?  Wouldn't you ask co-workers, "what was the cause of death?"   Why assume suicide?  My H went to the funeral and still never found out the truth.  I happened to find out the truth a couple of months later from mutual friends.  When I asked my H about the discrepency, he just said, "well, I though the killed himself because he was only 50."  Weird. 

When we (inevitably) cease to remain the fantasy they created in our image, they are perplexed and disappointed that they got it wrong again more than than they are hurt - it's a nuisance, and they MUST go on to keep looking (or else they'll feel the pain they're trying to soothe with the fantasy). We were a drug and reality caused that drug to wear off.

Yes, as long as we're feeding their egos, providing for their needyness, and pleasing them, then we're on a pedestal.  But, when they feel that they're being neglected, not complimented, etc, then we're knocked of the pedestal and discarded in a ditch.  And, if they can find someone to temporarily listen to their rants, etc, they will latch onto that person. 

I know that some of this is very NPD, but I do think that some BPDs have NPD traits.  My H sure does.