48 Hours and crash and burn... No surprise.

[Hurt llama]

Some of you have read my posts that started here about 4 weeks ago in Leaving, later posting in Undecided and finally in Staying.

I made a decision to try again, knowing full well it most likely wouldn't work.

My ex BPD fiancee is in many ways a 'light' version of BPD, no rages, no addictionsand not a cheat in the classic way but she shares in common with many of the stories I read about with an extreme fear of abandonment.

She came to my city on Wednesday for the second round of talks for a desperately needed job. She seems to have gotten the job and it's probably more than a 50% increase in pay and is the perfect job for her. Also it would allow her to spend more time here and to work from her home as well (3 hour plane ride).

I have been very tuned in and looking at her ways of operating with even more awareness and trying to see her with all of the information about BPD that I have learned.

We are extremely compatible and very comfortable together almost always. She loves me ad says so constantly... . To the point it makes me uncomfortable... .   "I know you are not a perfect man but I love you. You are my soulmate>

She means it 100% and i do feel this way about her too. Yet to keep hearing it is just a bit disconcerting as I've always felt that people who have to say it so much either don't really mean it or they are insecure.

Anyway, we had a great two days... . perfect really. I told her that tomorrow (saturday) I have nice plans for us and lets make sure to have some fun.

She was sitting on the couch looking at her iPhone and says, "There is an important trade show tomorrow I really want to attend"

I was like, ok, no problem, I'd like to go with you... .   She replies "There is only one ticket."

I said, One ticket? who is inviting you? Is it x? (an ex bf and her twin sisters ex bf and it's a long story I have posted already

I am starting to get hot under the collar and say 'ARE YOU KDDING ME? YOU HAD LUNCH WITH HIM YESTERDAY? ENOUGH ALREADY!"

(all the things I 'learned' in Staying are out the window... .   I am furious... .

She lights up and says "ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?" THIS IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO!"

I say "No, I'm not breaking up wtih you" and i walk into the bathroom to cool down... . While there I start to think about the idea of her going to this event and how while she would not cheat on me, there is a history of her forming almost a back up plan and I can't get it out of my head that this guy will be her next guy "IF" I 'break up wtih her... .   Now this is admittedly a fantasy and yeah I truly do have PTSD from the one time she did cheat on me way back when and how she bounced between me and another guy and even now blames it on me for 'breaking up with her'.

I walk back into the living room and sit down and look at her and calmly say, "In the past you have always said I as 'breaking up with you' and it wasn't true... . You would do things to press my buttons and make me feel as though I want to... . but this time, I'll be clear... .   Yes, I am breaking up with you. It's over.

She's recently raised her medication to 20mg of Lexapro. Her taking medication to reduce her anxiety is a key component for her to get her life in order BUT the side effects of these darned meds is a definite increased detachement. They don't make people who are already cold fish any warmer and as expected she was calm cool and icy as she started packing her bags.

She has a place to stay in the event we had a fight and as she packed we did our best to speak about our feelings. For the most part it was very civlized... . I, as usual was the more animated one, as she calmly and cooly described her relationship history in revisionist ways to make her sound as if she's somewhat normal, when in fact, she is truly who she always told me she is... .   the Impossible Woman.

I walked her to a taxi, told her I loved her and gave her a brief hug and walked home... .

As I got there, there was this attractive single woman I had just met in my building walking into my building... . and I said, "Hey, I can use a drink... .   would you care to join me?' Just like that.

We went out for 4 hours and I had an incredible time... .   she picked up the dinner and drinks and would not hear a word of it as I had paid last time.

No, there is no happy ending here, just the end of a extremely draining day that started with a ridiculous amount of sex and sleeping and feeling like maybe I can finally be with my ex... . who I truly do love and loves me the same way. I give her that much... . Never has she deviated, never painted me black as I read (maybe grey?)... .

I just can't 'disown' a part of myself and let it go enough not to care about her so cavalierly and thoughtlessly not consider my feelings in not being invited to join her and not to understand and even acknowledge how I might feel.

I cannot get out of my mind... . I cannot, that this man is after her... . she did not disagree... . she said it didn't matter, she loved me... .

She emailed me just now "It's a networking opportunity for me. I would have been there and back before you were even dressed as it begins at 9:30 am and I had only planned on going for a few hours. "

I guess this was all a set up on my part... .   she is doing her best... .   and so was I... .

I'm spinning as expected.

thanks for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hurt llama]

Sorry for continuing to vent.

I'm not angry at her really. How can I be?

She is limited and can't get it faster or more and I doubt she ever will.

I did write her a few emails... .   and yes, I did say to her that I know she wil never be with anyone for any length of time due to her being and being proud of being The Impossible Woman.

I feel bad for her... .   she's trying to get her life together... .   really really trying... .   and now with this new job that is incredible, she will finally be able to start turning her life around.

I had severe doubts about the wisdom of trying with her, knowing that her on the board, we focus not so much on the other but on ourselves... .

And I know that she would be with me forever... . she would actually never leave me... . I know it... . but I lack the ability to trust, to forgive and to move on... .   I can't do it, not without hearing words she can't utter.

How she had sex wtih a 'friend' the DAY BFORE i got there last NYE and how proud she was today to tell me she would NEVER cheat and that we were not in a relationship... .   yet she manages to forget all the words I said before I got there and how i would never enter her life again if she was seeing any body else.

The sickness of what she did... . the dysfunction... .

What was I thinking that I can overlook that and be with her again when less than 10 hours ago she was defending it... .   and two weeks ago she was saying it was wrong.

I hate this mental illness and now once again... . i pick up the pieces.

The saddest part is that she is so light - moderate with this illness and it doesn't matter.

[whereisthezen]

 

Hurt llama its good you are taking, keep letting it all come out. It might be like when you cry out of frustration and get it all out a lot of times it is relief and actually removes frustration. Funny to feel crying makes you relieved but it sure does sometimes!

Your post hit me with the following: " I so get HL and other nons on this board, I deserve a relationship like that ( well spoken, articulate, honest, compromising, reflection, healthy... .   ).

So I do understand where you're coming from AND what you need in this r/s. If you overreacted it doesnt change your feelings because of her earlier actions. This could be months in the making for you. I dated someone who was great and then got crazy angry after a month over a few days, by the third day I was done. It felt unhealthy to me to rage out of the blue so intensly over literally a difference in opinion on the small stuff. I was long gone by day 3 and cut all contact bc that was a huge red flag.

You r/s was healthy, unhealthy and getting back to healthy with what I think you feel is lack of concern, discussion, honesty and openness and general account of how you would feel.

You should take all the time to decide what you want and need in a healthy r/s and partner. Your needs matter and need to be cared for as well as hers.

Sometime HL, we need more. Sometimes we reject reattaching or recommiting bc our bodies go Oh no, not even going down that road again. I need more.

Also I get this! words matter too especially when their words hurt us we need to hear as well as see that they understand our needs to a basic level. "And I know that she would be with me forever... . she would actually never leave me... . I know it... . but I lack the ability to trust, to forgive and to move on... .   I can't do it, not without hearing words she can't utter."



The ripple effects, I find are worse than the actual cheating bc it branches out into everything- respect, trust, ongoing perception of deceipt, destruction,  recovery, affection, moving past it, loyalty, integrity, understanding... .  

With BPDs they are impulsive, like highs, distort reality to please them so they have to seek behavioral changes and dbt type therapy to be effective to be in a r/s with a non.

This had NOTHING to do with you and Im sorry you endured this in your most likely good reality at the time.

  How she had sex wtih a 'friend' the DAY BFORE i got there last NYE and how proud she was today to tell me she would NEVER cheat and that we were not in a relationship... .   yet she manages to forget all the words I said before I got there and how i would never enter her life again if she was seeing any body else.

Just keep talking, journaling. We all need to do that more to re-find our original self.