Still self injuring

[Depression = 72% of members]

Going around and around with this my whole life. I spent a lot of time in a disorder specific group, paid out the nose for cognitive behavioral therapy, successfully applied DBT therapy, which fixed a lot of my anger and relationship problems, but not this.

I can't kick the self injury. It started with hair pulling when I was 8 and escalated. I used to use it as a disassociating tool when my BPD mom was raging around the house. I'd zone out for hours, turning my focus inward to minute imperfections, hurting myself and imagining drastically different futures.

I've gone through the wringer with this, and am at a point where I try to thrive alongside it, and try to minimize the impact on others, and down-play it's effect of my activities, mood, and self esteem (gasp! wearing shorts and swimming even!)

But ... . there is no hell like an old hell. This is the last knot that needs to be untied from my chaotic, crazy childhood. It's been around so long I don't take it seriously anymore, but I need to reset and confront this again. I need to admit that as long as this is lurking, I am not thriving. Living as best I can around it is still a form of enabling it.

I don't think I had anything to prove, and wasn't ever doing it for attention. I was doing it neurotically to disassociate. I am ready to admit my childhood was so bad I spent most of it maiming myself while zoned out in an alternate reality.

-I was dealing with too many other life management problems during CBT, and wasn't ready to let go

-I have a fictional belief I'll die if i stop, which I acknowledge is magical thinking that doesn't deserve attention

-I have psyched myself up into believing stopping is impossible and it's a fundamental piece of my genes/personality, which I acknowledge is wrong

-I acknowledge that it is a health problem. Just because it hasn't seriously damaged me yet doesn't mean it's acceptable.

[XL]

Going around and around with this my whole life. I spent a lot of time in a disorder specific group, paid out the nose for cognitive behavioral therapy, successfully applied DBT therapy, which fixed a lot of my anger and relationship problems, but not this.

I can't kick the self injury. It started with hair pulling when I was 8 and escalated. I used to use it as a disassociating tool when my BPD mom was raging around the house. I'd zone out for hours, turning my focus inward to minute imperfections, hurting myself and imagining drastically different futures.

I've gone through the wringer with this, and am at a point where I try to thrive alongside it, and try to minimize the impact on others, and down-play it's effect of my activities, mood, and self esteem (gasp! wearing shorts and swimming even!)

But ... . there is no hell like an old hell. This is the last knot that needs to be untied from my chaotic, crazy childhood. It's been around so long I don't take it seriously anymore, but I need to reset and confront this again. I need to admit that as long as this is lurking, I am not thriving. Living as best I can around it is still a form of enabling it.

I don't think I had anything to prove, and wasn't ever doing it for attention. I was doing it neurotically to disassociate. I am ready to admit my childhood was so bad I spent most of it maiming myself while zoned out in an alternate reality.

-I was dealing with too many other life management problems during CBT, and wasn't ready to let go

-I have a fictional belief I'll die if i stop, which I acknowledge is magical thinking that doesn't deserve attention

-I have psyched myself up into believing stopping is impossible and it's a fundamental piece of my genes/personality, which I acknowledge is wrong

-I acknowledge that it is a health problem. Just because it hasn't seriously damaged me yet doesn't mean it's acceptable.

[dharmagems]

XL,



I too know what it's like to self injure my whole life.  It comes from I think panic and stress in relationships.  Sometimes I do it when I feel no control when they aren't giving me the understanding, love, grace, and attention I am so wanting.  I know not everyone, especially caregivers, can't give this to me.   I had an NPD/PTSD abusive mother.  Mine comes in the form of scratching my body.  It is like an disassociation and find my self infliction having ironically a relief.  I think it's like an addiction.  It helps numb the pain.  I also hit and punch myself when I had bad triggers this winter when I felt my BPDexh was going to blame me for another thing.  I acknowledge I do have it but have't aggressively addressed it to where it has permanently changed. 

I know it's about learning not to abuse and hit and mame me anymore when I am feeling out of control and unloved.  I have to realize that I was the victim in all of my childhood circumstances and I taught myself to cope this way because I thought I was bad and I was the one to blame.  These are deeply ingrained and trained beliefs I have to re-train.  This conscious healing process is ongoing, slow-going, and unending until I pass from this earth. 

You're not alone in this.  By telling your story, you're uncovering and exposing the wounds of great pain and shame.  You're healing. 

Wishing you peace,

dharmagems

[maria1]

-I was dealing with too many other life management problems during CBT, and wasn't ready to let go

Sounds like you might be ready now. Can you not try CBT again?

[XL]

-I was dealing with too many other life management problems during CBT, and wasn't ready to let go

Sounds like you might be ready now. Can you not try CBT again?

Yeah, maybe I should dig up some worksheets. Ironically, the DBT for this specifically was what got me on the BPD diagnosis, and now I'm labeling it "secondary BPD"? or something? I feel like my bad behavior was a learned response in reaction to my mom, who seems to have something chronically, chemically wrong with her. The DBT really knocked out 90% of my relationship and life management problems. I wasn't looking for it, it was just the thing my shrink specialized in, and I had a "holy crap, this is exactly what is wrong with my whole family" moment.

I don't injure for emotional reasons. It's a way to "check out" and have alone time, and I usually do it when I'm bored or tired. It's like watching tv. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that the disassociation is more concerning than the injury. That is, and always has been the problem.

[maria1]

From what I know of cbt it can work very well on behaviours. This is going to sound ridiculous and I certainly am not suggesting it instead of cbt or a proper consultation with a professional but- I worked as a mental health nurse years ago. I learned all sorts of complicated interventions but one of the most simple useful things I learned was this- put an elastic band on your wrist. When you feel yourself about to do the habitual behaviour snap it just enough to cause yourself a little sting. You will get the same pain but you won't damage yourself. You can keep the band on at all times and snap it as often as you need to. It just replaces one behaviour with another.

It stops certain habitual behaviours that cause pain but I have only ever used it for minor ones such as picking scabs or chewing the inside of ones mouth.

Are you currently seeing a therapist to work on the disassociation?

[XL]

No. I learned a lot of tools in therapy. I didn't apply them.

I need to work on going to bed when I'm tired. That's the biggest problem time, and I know better.

[maria1]

It does sound as if therapy might help. Cbt works which is why it's practically all that's offered in the UK now. What's stopping you from seeking a therapist now?

[XL]

Oh, you silly UK people with your socialized medicine. 

Unemployment, uninsurance, the fact that therapy in the US is $150, cash out of pocket, per session. Even if you do have insurance, they don't cover it and shove you into "group talk" therapy.    Or worse, they find out you're crazy and raise your rates for regular health care. Which is why I paid out of pocket last time, when I had a job. Put me back $6,000.

I do know of a website with some printable worksheets, and I did a full program under professional guidance before.

[maria1]

That socialised medicine is so hard to access for mental health you wouldn't believe it! From what I understand of CBT its quite straight forward to follow yourself. I'd be interested in the website myself if you could let me know? I am struggling with a diagnosis if chronic fatigue syndrome and know I need cbt to change the way I approach my whole life as its such a big change. I had some cbt before when I was low post BPD r/s but the therapist was crap. I thought at the time I'd be better off doing it myself.

It sounds as if you have done an awful lot of work that so many people dont do and come a long way. It would be a shame not to do the last bit of healing that's holding you back.

Big respect to you