First time talking about how I disengaged from my BPD partner and how it feels.

[Deleted]

Like the title states this is the first time I actually sit down to write about my experience with a BPD. It's a year with NC and at first it was hell but I got used to it and I've come a long way. I'm tired of everyone telling me to just "get over it" , "move on" or worse "I just don't understand you and/or STILL AFFECTING YOU?". I've been NC after I called her a few weeks after we broke up, she knew she had me my the ba11s () and made damn sure to hurt and spite me. She eventually told me "well you know I'm crazy and you know I have my issues but YOU decided to stay" basically saying that it's all my fault and she's washing her hands clean. However being the crazy, crying (about 3-4 days out the week EACH WEEK), presenting me with such HEAVY issues, loves me and wants my children one day the next I "ruin her days and I make her so fxxking miserable" over the smallest things- she made me feel as if I were to leave her she would do something crazy, perhaps to herself. Anyways, after that I made sure with every ounce of pride and dignity left in me not to contact her and I haven't. My problem lies in the fact that I couldn't date another girl for a few months after breaking up with her because let's be honest, I needed time to recover and it wouldn't be fair. In addition, I had/have a lot of activities and exams that I have to study for since I am pursing a career as an organic chemist. This whole school year has been BEYOND demanding. As a result, I understood from the beginning that I'm probably going to be single for a while until this hell of school is over. I had to disconnect from the world (all social networking sites etc.) and focus on my life. Most of the time I feel happy that I left her and that I went NC because if I didn't my performance in school would, without a doubt, drastically decline along with my social, emotional, and MENTAL health.

Unfortunately, there are those dreadful days in which I think about her. How could she have moved on so quickly? Does she realize or have a CLUE as to what she has done? how could she have been so selfish? so blind to see my efforts?. We """made love""" a few times, was that all a joke? a mental script?. I'm under the impression that due to my busy schedule 24/7 with work, school, internship, research that I simply do not have the time, effort, or resources to engage in another relationship and I simply dwell on this crazy pile of sh!t from time to time because 1. that was my last relationship and there's nothing new currently

2. It was a ride from hell

I'd enjoy some insight as to any of these questions from anyone reading this. I guess it's just one of those days. However, I must say I'm a lot happier when I told myself that I forgive her. I'm doing great in all aspects of my life but there are some days in which remnants of this relationship resonates. Thank you all for reading this . There are only so many times people would want to hear you vent from time to time and I don't want to bother anyone with this anymore.

[BradyK]

Hi Coryhouse -- I really feel for you. My ex pwBPDbf moved on fast, and it left me with the same questions. If you read the comments on this board you will see that there are many, many people like us. Same questions and no perfect answers that solve the mystery. It takes time to fully recover.  You are not alone!

How could she have moved on so fast? This is often what they do. It is the nature of BPD, it seems, and there are many theories why. You can read about them here.

Did you mean anything to her? Really hard to say. Each case may be different. I think in my case, I did mean something in "that moment". But I don't know. Maybe I was just "next". Ultimately, all I really know right now is this: after a period of wonderful loving times, I became very unhappy because I tolerated his increasingly unloving and disrespectful behavior to me, and when I ended it he "got over me" REALLY fast and moved on to be with someone else.

You say: " my problem lies in the fact that I couldn't date another girl for a few months... .   " . Why is this a problem?  New relationships may help you feel better but they don't "cure" you of old heartbreak. I actually think it is really good that you have focused on yourself and given yourself time to recover!  And to reflect on how you came to be in that unhealthy relationship and why you stayed in it for however long you did. Otherwise you might just repeat the experience.

Yes, friends who have not been through an r/s like this have no way of knowing what you went through! But lots of people here do understand.

I hope this is helpful to you!

[OTH]

She mattered to you. You loved and lost and lived to tell about. It still hurts to think about. Some of your friends got sick of hearing about it. There really isn't anything wrong with this is there?

You had a tough relationship and have focused energy to other persuits. Good. Why not start having new social experiences. No sudden intense romances but dating and expanding your social circle. You stay stuck in your past social experiences if you don't start experiencing new relationships.