Gack... the paranoia...

[coasterhusband]

My BPD wife is constantly telling me about how someone disrespects her. It's almost always a bunch of paranoid, trumped up claims, but man oh man is the world out to get her.

I logically get why this happens given my wife's BPD and upbringing, but man... .  

Tonight, my sis-in-law had her birthday party. My wife has special dietary needs and the SIL didn't take that into account when she chose the restaurant. For her own birthday. Where we were one couple of at least 10 others invited. For the SILs birthday.

So the wife looked at the menu online, saw that it didn't meet the requirements and got irritated and said the SIL was being rude for not taking my wife into consideration when making plans.

Ugh.

I skirted this issue by just saying "I understand how you feel" and skipping over the "... .  but it's insanely ridiculous".

Anyone have any techniques for dealing with this constant stream of belief that everyone in the world is wronging the pwBPD?

[Surnia]

I think you did what you can. I can't offer better advice.

I know how you feel about it, I think. My exh had this trait as well. Taking things very personally and sometimes I could validate and sometimes was sort of wordless... .

Sometimes I asked him: What would you like to ... . (have in this situation)... . ? With no much success.

[tuum est61]

Substitute "I understand how you feel" with "I can see how not having food choices that meet your needs would cause you a lot of concern."  Try to limit your use of the words "understand" and "feel".  They are triggering.  No one is really in a position to understand how anyone feels - and part of the problem is that we have no clue how a pwBPD feels at all.  

But think about this for a moment.  How logical are you when you consider it "insanely ridiculous" for your W to complain about not being able to eat anything at the restaurant when you logically "get why this happens due to her upbringing."

Its not really clear to me what ultimately happened here.  :)id she go with you or did you go on your own?  :)id she make any comments other than to you if she did in fact go?  

[coasterhusband]

Substitute "I understand how you feel" with "I can see how not having food choices that meet your needs would cause you a lot of concern."  Try to limit your use of the words "understand" and "feel".  They are triggering.  No one is really in a position to understand how anyone feels - and part of the problem is that we have no clue how a pwBPD feels at all.  

Thanks for the insight.

But think about this for a moment.  How logical are you when you consider it "insanely ridiculous" for your W to complain about not being able to eat anything at the restaurant when you logically "get why this happens due to her upbringing."

I think it's ridiculous to assume that when inviting a large group of people to celebrate your OWN birthday, that you have to choose said place based on meeting the needs of the group, not yourself. It's your own birthday, not a generic dinner party.

To clarify, it wasn't that she was complaining about the situation, it was that she was saying it was disrespectful for the SIL to choose a place that didn't consider her needs. On the SIL's birthday.

And scratch upbringing comment - all I was getting at was that I've read that this "so and so 'disrespected' me" issue is common with pwBPD.

Its not really clear to me what ultimately happened here.  :)id she go with you or did you go on your own?  :)id she make any comments other than to you if she did in fact go?  

We didn't end up going, but that's honestly not the point here. (She was feeling bad before and after this comment was made and encouraged me to go too, but I wasn't feeling so hot either.) Generally the situation wasn't bad overall, necessarily... . although it was only because I think that I stopped the paranoid "disrespect" meme from escalating into full fledged anger and foolishness by not engaging in that conversation. The point of my original post was just to ask about this issue of paranoia about being "disrespected" by everyone at every turn.

[tuum est61]

I think it's ridiculous to assume that when inviting a large group of people to celebrate your OWN birthday, that you have to choose said place based on meeting the needs of the group, not yourself. It's your own birthday, not a generic dinner party.

To clarify, it wasn't that she was complaining about the situation, it was that she was saying it was disrespectful for the SIL to choose a place that didn't consider her needs. On the SIL's birthday.

And scratch upbringing comment - all I was getting at was that I've read that this "so and so 'disrespected' me" issue is common with pwBPD.

Of course her opinions and comments in this situation are ridiculous, but it seemed you do understand that she truly believes what she is complaining about and moreover you understand that there's baggage she's packing along that causes her to act the way she does.  

We didn't end up going, but that's honestly not the point here. (She was feeling bad before and after this comment was made and encouraged me to go too, but I wasn't feeling so hot either.) Generally the situation wasn't bad overall, necessarily... . although it was only because I think that I stopped the paranoid "disrespect" meme from escalating into full fledged anger and foolishness by not engaging in that conversation. The point of my original post was just to ask about this issue of paranoia about being "disrespected" by everyone at every turn.

My point is about the choice you made in going/not going. Its a revealing and crucial choice in which theres a potential for changing up the game here.  You cut yourself out of a family event due to dysregulation on the part of your W. I used to do that too.  It eventually eats you up.

I agree with you that the situation wasn't "all that bad overall"  - but probably for slightly different reasons.  Your W was merely sharing her (ridiculous) opinion about how inconsiderate your SIL was. You chose to not "engage in that conversation" when perhaps you could have just validated her concerns and still gone to the dinner - with or without your W.  It is indeed not such a bad thing to hear your W out - and acknowledge/validate what's she's saying.

My main point is that it's all about choices and change that you need to start considering - and not so much about trying to figure out if the spouses of other members are as paranoid as your W. It's a safe bet they are.  Mine certainly is - she won't attend ANY of my family events anymore.

But I do - and she still dysregulates just about every time.