is there any kind of sense to the madness.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

well after all I have been through I thought I was getting some kind of understanding about BPD. I know they can be unpredictable but still alot of times you can predict or time how things are going to play out. Like I had got to wheer I could almost predict when she was fixing to start to push me away. she started out about a week in advance with small things, getting short on the phone, taking hours to return tetxting, thinking of reasons not to see me, nitpicking everything i did an dthe it would finsh with some sort of explosion that would make any sense of why she was so made or even what I did casue it. Then the break up, silent treatment for about 3 weeks and then the late nigh texts or popping up where i could see her. She would tell me how she missed and loved me and it would start all over again.

well after our last break up she wanted no more communication with, I was fine. I was ready to walk away after her drunken rage and threats. dont hear form her for about 3 weeks and then she starts blowing my phone up teh oterh nite with vile and insulting text messages and the leave me 4 voicemail about as bad. I ignore and dont repond. Next morning she texts an apolgy and explains she was just drunk. I dont repond. I get email today from her telllng me how she doesnt want back together but she was sorry for what she said. That I was the love of her life and that she just wants me to find happiness and the women I deserve. How I was the best thing that ever happened to her and how all her friends and family like me.  and signs off with she will always love me. Im scratching my head. I wont lie it does pull on my heart strings. Not close to caving in, but still very upseting. is this a recycle attempt or was it a good bye. Does what they do ever make any sense. I would never contact anybody back after I said the thing I said in text message or voice mails. I would be way to ashamed of myself.

[mitchell16]

well after all I have been through I thought I was getting some kind of understanding about BPD. I know they can be unpredictable but still alot of times you can predict or time how things are going to play out. Like I had got to wheer I could almost predict when she was fixing to start to push me away. she started out about a week in advance with small things, getting short on the phone, taking hours to return tetxting, thinking of reasons not to see me, nitpicking everything i did an dthe it would finsh with some sort of explosion that would make any sense of why she was so made or even what I did casue it. Then the break up, silent treatment for about 3 weeks and then the late nigh texts or popping up where i could see her. She would tell me how she missed and loved me and it would start all over again.

well after our last break up she wanted no more communication with, I was fine. I was ready to walk away after her drunken rage and threats. dont hear form her for about 3 weeks and then she starts blowing my phone up teh oterh nite with vile and insulting text messages and the leave me 4 voicemail about as bad. I ignore and dont repond. Next morning she texts an apolgy and explains she was just drunk. I dont repond. I get email today from her telllng me how she doesnt want back together but she was sorry for what she said. That I was the love of her life and that she just wants me to find happiness and the women I deserve. How I was the best thing that ever happened to her and how all her friends and family like me.  and signs off with she will always love me. Im scratching my head. I wont lie it does pull on my heart strings. Not close to caving in, but still very upseting. is this a recycle attempt or was it a good bye. Does what they do ever make any sense. I would never contact anybody back after I said the thing I said in text message or voice mails. I would be way to ashamed of myself.

[oletimefeelin]

What exactly about that email "tugs at your heart strings"?  That email is as predictable as the other behavior you have come to be able to set your watch to.  Pull out all the mixed messages.  Impressive for such a short email.  This is who she is.  Your eyes are open.  Sitting back passively while she acts upon you hasn't worked for you.

[mitchell16]

oletimefeelin, I didnt inlcude the email word for word but I think the things that pulled my heart strings are:

1. she discussed two close friends of ours getting married in a few weeks. She would always say she didnt want to get married but then would bring up us getting married or when we get married where we could take our honeymoon and then very shortley after would start a break up.

2. mentioned our favorite vaction spot. which we always go once year.

3. Talked about how I was the best thing in her life and that I desrve better then she gave me.

4. mentioned one of our favorite movies that we enjoyed togther.

5. Mentioned our sex life.

6. and mentioned how depressed she was over the relationship ending.

7. and ended it with she would always love me and that she would never expereince this love with anyone ever again.

Tho I think Im making good progress, met a girl that I dated very briefly about 20 years ago. we re-coonected. just hanging out talking about some old time and friends. nothing serious just eating and having drinks. Hanging out with friends that I had neglected in the last 2 years. Getting back into the gym. And staying NC when she does contacted me. because I have never been able to resist contacting her back when she started the recycel attempt. If she hit the ball, I would almost instantley hit it back. and I would come running.

The areas that Im still weak in are. Im still missing her like crazy. Im still very much in love with her. and Im still trying to make sense of all mess and mixed emotions and signals she sends. when I should just care less. But im not at that stage yet. I still try to wonder what she is doing when she sends me texts or emails. Is she saying agood bye, or expressing herself. BUt then I think what does it matter what she is doing but at this stage I just cant seem to help it. thats they area Im stuck at.

[DragoN]

    

is there any kind of sense to the madness.

Not really, no.

I there sense in senseless? Sort of, if you lop off the 'less' part of it. Beyond that ? No.

You are a source, a go to , a place to dump her emotions. Not much more than that.

Next morning she texts an apolgy and explains she was just drunk.

Least you got an apology. Mind you, who cares? She's probably just as vile sober. Can you imagine 10-20 years living like that?

[recoil]

I'm sometimes stuck there as well.  It's been about two months since the relationship ended.  My brain knows I can never go back.  My heart wants to fight me.  She actually called me yesterday in the office (work for the same company) just to say hello.  I haven't heard her voice in two months.  I missed it.  

Maybe in two more months, my heart will catch up to my brain.

[Ruthy2]

From what you have explained, the email sounds like typical BPD behaviour/wording.  They may mean what they are saying when they write the email but then they change their mind again and none of it matters.

It such a sad game for us nons and maybe not great for them either (m not sure on the latter).x

[mitchell16]

Satis, Your are right. She could be just as vile and cruel when she was sober. I think thats the mind set I got into after christmas day. When we just had a wonderful christmas day and she came home and went in to raging fit, to this day she cant explain why. Oh she said she was sorry for it but still could explain why she was amd or even said the thing that she said. I think I reliazed then that there was no way that I could ever have a normal life or even a understanding of a normal life with her. I mean, left for work. Kissed me goodbye, Told me she loved me. Came home 8 hours later. I had cleaned the house, went to grocery store and started her dinner. Accused me of sitting on my " lazy ass" all day while she worked, not all that was said but the core of it. Then she stormed off to bed.

Ruthy2, she has never been officialy diagnosed but my T met her for one session and said that he couldnt dignose her from one session but she had a tremendous amount of BPD and traits based on her own admissions, actions and what I have told him. I have seen the mind changing thing from her from a matter of days to hours. once after a break up she contact me expressing her undying love, and couldnt live with me to only telling me 8 hours later that she didnt want us back together. so I can defentaly relate to the changing of her mind from minute to minute. But even knowing this I still have such a hard time getting my mind to come to terms with it. Maybe cause Im not BPD so I can relate. When I say something I mean what I say and it doesnt change every day or every hour.

Im still holding strong on my NC. Tho I didn struggly with last night. I was so tempted to return the email and express my feelings for her and the loss of the relationship. BUt its then that I relized whats the point. Nothing has change, she has went to therapy or even attempted it. and just like last time she agreed to go to therapy, went to one session and she got drunk and said she was done with therapy. Why would I think she just wouldnt do it again once she got her feelings fed with a recycle.

I apprciate the feed back from everyone, it helps believe me. Becasue I will be going strong and then I hit a stumblng point and have to fight going backwards.

[DragoN]

I think thats the mind set I got into after christmas day. When we just had a wonderful christmas day and she came home and went in to raging fit, to this day she cant explain why.

Imagine every Christmas and New Year going forward being like that. It doesn't improve.

Becasue I will be going strong and then I hit a stumblng point and have to fight going backwards.

NC is strong medicine. And you are the creator. Stick with it and you will get better.

The reality of a marriage with a pwBPD is quite truthfully pretty grim. It's a lonely nasty place, broken by wasted hope. Don't fall for the siren's call.

[imstronghere2]

The reality of a marriage with a pwBPD is quite truthfully pretty grim. It's a lonely nasty place, broken by wasted hope. 

Perfectly stated.   Yes it was.

[mitchell16]

Satis, I think that couldnt have been better said. I do find it very interesting after her last blow up she opened up her Fb account. She has had it closed down for almost a year. I have kept mine up and we are not friends. But we do have mutual friends.

Im making a step and blocking her from emails and FB. I cant from phone becasue of work and if i changed my number she would just get it again from a company roster. so that wont really help. But Im staying strong with the NC. Like I said last night was a bad night. I struggled hard with not returning her email. I had to decide that what good would it do. This is the longest I have ever held out without returning her email or text messages. In two years I might go a day when she reched out but I have never went this long. I do feel a sense of accomplisment but also a great sense of loss and sadness at the same time.

I have often thought of what kind of life we would have. I mean 5 minutes of honeymoon bliss with 24 hours of hell, 5 minutes of bliss, then repeat. BUt the problem with that is the 5 minutes is so intoxicating that its like you suddenly forget about all the anger they show and the pain they have caused. thanks for lenting me vent my feelings and frustartions.

[DragoN]

Mitchell16

  We here know what you mean... . they are a drug. The highs are so incredibly HIGH and the lows, are complete unreal hell. After too many years of those cruddy addictive 5 minutes... . it's enough.

I was so tempted to return the email and express my feelings for her and the loss of the relationship. BUt its then that I relized whats the point. Nothing has change, she has went to therapy or even attempted it. and just like last time she agreed to go to therapy, went to one session and she got drunk and said she was done with therapy

Without therapy, nothing ever will change. It will get worse. And even with therapy, there is no guarantee it will work either and still more of your years down the drain.

You'll be fine in time, where as , she will be precisely the same, sucking the life out of another.