How Can I Make The Process of Leaving Easier?

[TryingToLive]

I'm a 24 year old daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mother in an extremely co-dependant relationship where she has no one else and no life beyond me.

For a background of my story, check out my intro post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197836.0

I was just reading the article on leaving a partner with BPD. I understand that it is aimed at couples, but the situation with my mom has basically ended up on the same level due to co-dependency and a lack of other supports in her life. Some of the parts of it that sound exactly like what I go through when I try to take steps towards my own life or leaving are these:

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

I've told my mom these things before and basically stopped sharing my feelings on a lot of points, because they are always attacked. She has told people how worried she is for her daughter because of how messed up I am. She has told me many times she wants me gone, too, because of this. (Of course, she doesn't REALLY want me gone)

- "The Borderline" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

I hear this all of the time and it has worked for so, so long. How do you stay strong and firm and not let the pleadings and manipulation win? How do you walk out the door and ignore it?

Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Borderline" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

Any past attempt I have taken for counselling has been ended by my mom. She makes it hell to go, and once even scared the counselor away with threats of basically ending her career. I do not have a social life so, apart from a part time job, it is very hard for me to make excuses to not be home and do this behind her back.

Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Borderline" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

This is a difference with a family situation, I understand that, but face a similar problem. I want to try and work on our relationship and help her once I have my own "safe" place to live. I have told her I think some space will help us and I will feel more comfortable working things out so we  can regain our relationship that way. It is met with her threatening to disown me, slander me, take me to court, etc.

Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Borderline" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

This I am struggling with. I want so badly to help her because of her health. I want to come back after my vacation and help her sell the house and not leave her alone in a place she cannot manage, however, I am afraid my willingness to come back only enables this whole thing. I came back from my last trip months ago and she finds excuses to delay things, as she has for years. I guess she thinks as long as it's delayed, maybe I will rethink my decision of moving on. On the other hand, I leave her, and she may end up in a much worse situation. Sort of a danged if I do, danged if I don't situation.

Am I wrong to keep trying so many times to compromise? To make things better for her, even when she keeps attacking all my attempts and stopping them? I feel like such a selfish person for just turning my back on someone who is sick and in need of help and who has no on else, but I feel at a loss to other options.

Can anyone offer advice or support on how to make it through this? I have decided after reading a lot on this site today that I will not allow her manipulation to stop me from taking the time I NEED to go away for a few weeks, and hope to book it off tomorrow. But how do I approach this when I need to tell her I will be going? Should I come back? If so, should I tell her now? Or later? A friend suggested I email her while on vacation (and in a safe environment with my fiance, too) and tell her then. Is this better or worse?

Thanks.

[XL]

I broke away from my mom under extreme chaos. She reached a point of such hysteria that police were almost involved, and in someway that was good. It established that "I don't live with you, I have my own house".

1. Do not even tell your mom you're in therapy. If you're 24, she has no business at all managing your health care. Consider any health matters of your own a locked, private record.

2. Decide what life you want, go do it, and she'll have to adjust. I eventually moved about 2 hours away for college, and she had to deal with that.

There is a fine line between support and enabling. Support is something you would do for a happy friend if they asked nicely, like moving once every few years, or maybe watching a pet once in a while. Enabling is being lured into messes and not being allowed to fix them, or being used as an unpaid therapist while you're there.

You can also NOT help, and refer trained professionals. "I'm sorry you sound upset, would you like help researching therapists?" or "I'm sorry your house needs work, can I help you find bids on a handyman?" This usually confuses them, because you're helping, but not doing things yourself. Normal people outsource problems to trained contractors. Enmeshed people expect their only friend to do it all for/with them.

It's important to figure out if they need help, or companionship. They'll blur the two into such a mess you can't figure it out a lot of the time. My mom will reject our efforts to help her with her house, because in reality she wants our dad to come visit. It's a very devious way of sabotage. (Example: she spent a whole year crying about a broken washing machine. My brother and I were in college and didn't have a lot of money. We finally chipped in for a large gift card at christmas, which was specifically labelled as being for the washer, with a picture of a washer on it. She spent it on clothes, and continued to cry about the washer. 6 months later she triumphantly announced our dad had come over to install a washer he ordered).

You can also guide them to companionship. Help find an art class, or rec center group or something. It doesn't work terribly well, but it sends the message that other people exist in the world.

[XL]

You also talk about selling a house? Is she in an elderly position where you'd be placing her in assisted care or something? It would be wise to help her have as much control over that as you can, but don't budge on what you're doing.

"I'm getting an apartment with my fiance. Where do you see yourself living after this happens? Would you like help looking for a regular apartment, assisted living, or do you want to stay here and legally take my part of the house?"

Put some options out and express a willingness to get her settled, but don't budge on your own plans.

[TryingToLive]

Thank you for the reply! I appreciate hearing from someone who is on the other end of this situation.

I broke away from my mom under extreme chaos. She reached a point of such hysteria that police were almost involved, and in someway that was good. It established that "I don't live with you, I have my own house".

1. Do not even tell your mom you're in therapy. If you're 24, she has no business at all managing your health care. Consider any health matters of your own a locked, private record.

That's a good point. It's always been hard for me because I was home 24/7 before I recently got a part time job, so any time I went out, I tended to go through hell for it and it was hard to do things she did not know about. I also don't drive or have much money, sadly. But I can certainly look into options again. Maybe something that I could mask with my work schedule.

2. Decide what life you want, go do it, and she'll have to adjust. I eventually moved about 2 hours away for college, and she had to deal with that.

How did you approach this? I will be moving out of country in a year to be married, and just this knowledge has made everything much worse with her. I end up feeling guilty for it sometimes and she does all she can to prevent or delay it. Is it just as simple as saying, "I'm doing this." and taking all the steps, regardless of the raging and hurt it causes?

There is a fine line between support and enabling. Support is something you would do for a happy friend if they asked nicely, like moving once every few years, or maybe watching a pet once in a while. Enabling is being lured into messes and not being allowed to fix them, or being used as an unpaid therapist while you're there.

That last line there, that really helps. Thank you. I've felt confused between these two before, but I think that makes a lot of sense.

You can also NOT help, and refer trained professionals. "I'm sorry you sound upset, would you like help researching therapists?" or "I'm sorry your house needs work, can I help you find bids on a handyman?" This usually confuses them, because you're helping, but not doing things yourself. Normal people outsource problems to trained contractors. Enmeshed people expect their only friend to do it all for/with them.

It's important to figure out if they need help, or companionship. They'll blur the two into such a mess you can't figure it out a lot of the time. My mom will reject our efforts to help her with her house, because in reality she wants our dad to come visit. It's a very devious way of sabotage. (Example: she spent a whole year crying about a broken washing machine. My brother and I were in college and didn't have a lot of money. We finally chipped in for a large gift card at christmas, which was specifically labelled as being for the washer, with a picture of a washer on it. She spent it on clothes, and continued to cry about the washer. 6 months later she triumphantly announced our dad had come over to install a washer he ordered).

Wow. That must have been so frustrating for you guys, especially when you gave so much money like that to help her out.

I should clarify, my mom actually does expect a contractor to take care of the repairs, but is in a cycle of making excuses to keep delaying the work. She claims she is too unwell to handle the work being done unless I am here 24/7 for it, and then attacks me any time I try to suggest we bring someone in or offer to call someone. I've even offered to take time off work to be here, but she refuses to call someone until I have pre-booked (without knowing when they will be here). Her latest excuse, when I offered to call for someone to come next week, was, "I don't know how I'll feel next week, so no." Since it's her house and money, I can't really force it.

I think you are right about the hidden motives. The house needs to be repaired so it can be sold. It needs to be sold by the fall, or she will lose it and be basically broke and homeless, as the mortgage will come due and she has no income. She has found excuses and delay tactics for years so she can now play the victim and blame everyone else for how desperate her situation is. Beyond that, she also knows that I am scared of leaving her in that situation alone until it is sold and she is okay financially, so I think she tries to prevent is so that I will not leave her.

You can also guide them to companionship. Help find an art class, or rec center group or something. It doesn't work terribly well, but it sends the message that other people exist in the world.

I can try this, although she wouldn't be willing to go out to do it. Maybe I could find her some people online to talk to or something, beyond her few facebook friends.

You also talk about selling a house? Is she in an elderly position where you'd be placing her in assisted care or something? It would be wise to help her have as much control over that as you can, but don't budge on what you're doing.

"I'm getting an apartment with my fiance. Where do you see yourself living after this happens? Would you like help looking for a regular apartment, assisted living, or do you want to stay here and legally take my part of the house?"

Put some options out and express a willingness to get her settled, but don't budge on your own plans.

Sadly, it is not so simple. She is only 54, but has some health problems and a few long-term injuries. She struggles with walking or standing for long periods of time and tires out easily due to lung problems, but is not sick enough to get any kind of disability payments or go into a specialized care facility (she has also stated she would rather kill herself than do so). She believes she is so sick that she will not even get her own food and will often go without meals while I am at work or when  I went away. She just goes from bed to the computer to the tv to bed. Every day. Says she is not capable of shopping or going out or living a life, or even handling normal tasks. Yet, according to the doctor (who believes she is living a normal life), she is. She just refuses to adapt or admit it to herself, because being sick and dependent is so much easier to use for control and pity.

I have tried to help her find options, like a smaller house, condo, or apartment (the current house, which is hers because I removed my name for my own financial sanity, is 5 levels and way too much for her). She just gets overwhelmed and says she can't deal with facing the horrible fate I am leaving her to, being in some moldy apartment that will kill her. This is part of why she has not sold yet, as well. She refuses to make any decision. It all turns into drama and raging and self-pity. She blames me for forcing her to leave her house. ANY plans I have tried or suggested to help her get settled she fights and attacks me for. It's like she wants to end up homeless so she can blame me. :\

[TryingToLive]

Oh, I just want to clarify to anyone who reads this thread: I'm not going to live with my fiance for a year, because of visa paperwork and such. If/when I leave my uBPD mother, I will be doing so completely alone and with very little money. My fiance has offered to help support me in a little place, if need be, as I have no friends or family to go to. This makes it much harder, as I have to walk out and will have no one to walk to.

[XL]

Ugh, I know the feeling. Mine is more competent, but won't let go of a sprawling 3 story house she refuses to clean.

You need to ignore the death threats, for one. She's going to kill herself, she's going to die in an apartment, she's going to die of starvation alone. It's nonsense. Idle threats and nonsense.

I think you should stay focussed on "I'm making the transition to this life with my boyfriend, I care about you, you need a housing plan and service arrangements to help you out, let's find one that fits your needs." I would keep reiterating that keeping the house is the least safe and most expensive option.

That's a good point. It's always been hard for me because I was home 24/7 before I recently got a part time job, so any time I went out, I tended to go through hell for it and it was hard to do things she did not know about.

I think you should leave now and get a cheap local apartment so the transition isn't so harsh. It sounds like you've never lived alone, and she's in denial you're ever leaving.

[Cordelia]

I think you should leave now and get a cheap local apartment so the transition isn't so harsh. It sounds like you've never lived alone, and she's in denial you're ever leaving.

I agree.  You are about to get married and move to a new country!  That's a lot to think about, and a lot of practical concerns to take care of.  You need this time to settle up your own life before making this big change. 

My mother is also a dependent type, though not quite as dramatic (she will eat on her own, etc.)  I took her dependency at face value when I was a kid, and saw her as really a very weak person who couldn't do much for herself.  But then she left our family and it became abundantly clear how much she was really able to do for herself.  The pose of "I'm so weak, if you leave me here to handle life alone maybe I'll just DIE" is just a pose.  I have come to believe that people with BPD are actually quite resourceful, albeit not in a normal way.  If one person who's been caretaking them leaves, or they leave them, they will find another caretaker so fast it will make your head spin.  They act like YOU are so important, you are the only one with the skills and devotion to get them through each day.  But I believe it's really just a survival mechanism.  They DO need (or want very badly) someone else to manipulate and feed off of a drama-filled relationship with.  But it's not important to them at all that that person is you.  You may be convenient right now, and she might be stepping up the manipulation because she really doesn't believe that you'll actually go in a year (she may be interpreting that plan as simply a move in the chess game) but once you actually go, please don't worry, she will be FINE.  Just like people train for technical jobs with years of careful study and practice, a BPD person (I believe) studies how to manipulate others and plans to make their living in that way.  Right now she has a job she likes (you) and she's trying to keep it. But she'll find another one.  For you it's emotional, but with BPD emotional impairment, for them I think it's really about survival and about the bottom line.  She's not emotionally attached.  She just uses other people's emotion to pay the bills. She'll find someone else willing to play the game with her once you decide to move on. 

Give yourself permission to move on and have your own life.  Haven't you done enough?  Isn't it your turn to live fully, going where you want and doing what you want?  You have done enough for your mother and more.  Give yourself recognition for that (because she won't) so you can find some peace.

[lipsticklibrarian]

tryingtolive last year I was you, 24 working a part time job in a bad economy and living with a BPD mother wondering how on earth I was going to get away from her. What did I do? I went abroad, I saved my money and I did a teaching diploma. Then I applied to loads of jobs all over the world and was recruited by a company to work as a professor at a University. They flew me over for free when I had no money, gave me a free place to live, a good salary and a nice long holiday in the summer. This is my second year and I absolutely love it, made lots of lovely friends too.

Now when I go home to visit I'm reminded of how crazy and irrational my mother is and I wonder how on earth I ever coped with her. I feel so lucky where I am and you need to realise there are plenty of places in the world who would love to have you, this bad economy has an upside, it gives you a chance to move away from your mother. Be brave!

[ScarletOlive]

Hi TryingToLive,

Good to have you here. You're in a tough spot-trying to move on without hurting others. I really get it, hun. I certainly agree with the others in saying that you are free to move forward with your life. You only have to tell her as much as YOU want to tell her. I think it's really admirable of you for trying to help your mom with her house and her health.

It sounds like you feel responsible for your mom, obligated to help her, fearful to leave, and guilty at having to leave? We like to call this FOG-fear, obligation, and guilt. The cool thing is that you can be set free from these tough feelings! You might want to check out this article-it's pretty helpful on the subject: SELF-AWARE: What It Means to Be in the FOG

You're seeking compromise, which is awesome. You want what's best for her. What are your options in this situation?

[TryingToLive]

I want to thank you guys for your responses. Ive been having a tough time the last few days and unable to get to a computer (I'm on my mobile right now), but have been reading an gaining strength.

I made a major decision after I posted this. My mom wouldn't make a choice about getting work done to fix a bad leak in the basement, so I booked my vacation. Tickets (non-refundable and paid for by fiancé) too. I leave two weeks today. However, after doing so, my uBPDm suddenly says we are calling in workers next week and that she's agreed to the compromise, before I got to tell her I had booked. This destroyed me at first. I felt like I had failed and now her attacks about me not caring or compromising would be valid. But my fiancé helped me and I eventually just said I was going because she had not agreed when I had repeatedly asked.

Then today she calls me at work to say the leak is serious and we have to get it fixed ASAP. I said we could call people in and schedule for as soon as I get back (May 1st) or it could be attempted to be done before I leave (April 13th). She said that if mold wa found (her fault for leaving it 4 months because she found excuses to delay it), work would be started now. I said that I might not be here for part of it then. She slammed the phone down.

I just got home and she is locked in her bedroom sleeping, I assume. I have no idea what to expect when she gets up. I spoke to a friend and my fiance on the phone before coming home, and both told me that I am right in going. It is pre booked. She knew months in advance this trip was coming and kept delaying work. Of course, she blames me for it not being done and believes she should be higher priority than my future.

Anyway, I'm just trying to find the strength to stay firm right now. She expects me to cancel an expensive trip to stay here while workers fix the house. I have never gone against her like this before and it's scary. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if I'll be in a hotel tonight and homeless. Part of my mind says it was a mistake booking now, but I just keep trying to hold on to the knowledge that her delays were irrational. She justified putting it off for over a month because of an art contest she entered and she didn't want her office disrupted during that time. But my reasoning will not be valid to her.

As a daughter, I feel bad about leaving her with sometime like this. But I know that the BPD manipulation has used FOG to distort my view of it and make me feel like a failure and near suicidal if I let it. (The night she agreed to compromise my fiancé had to talk me out of suicide because I was so overwhelmed with guilt). It's wrong. It's disproportionate to reality.

She's a 55 year old adult who sits at home all day on Facebook and she blames me, who takes care of everything (shopping, cleaning, working, even cooking her meals at 10pm after work) for not calling in a company and taking time off work so she can hide in her room while her leak is fixed. I know she is sick with BPD, but am I wrong in being upset about this? Am I wrong in thinking she needs to grow up and do something about it herself?

Honestly, part of me just doesn't want to come back to the house when I get back. Just go stay in a hotel or something till I get my own place.

... . I'm not sure if I'm talking to myself or you guys, to be honest. I feel done with compromising. I've tried for so many years and all it's ever done is cause hell. I just want to walk away, but I'm not sure how.

I agree with those who said I should get my own place. It's just really a matter of when and how to go about it.

[Grey Kitty]

She's a 55 year old adult who sits at home all day on Facebook and she blames me, who takes care of everything (shopping, cleaning, working, even cooking her meals at 10pm after work) for not calling in a company and taking time off work so she can hide in her room while her leak is fixed. I know she is sick with BPD, but am I wrong in being upset about this? Am I wrong in thinking she needs to grow up and do something about it herself?

Your own feelings are real. They can never be wrong, by definition. And in addition, I think that just about anybody would be upset by this.

As for what she can/will do... . I hope she grows up... . but the real question is whether you will continue to take care of her if she doesn't--you can't make her grow up, but you can choose how much of your own life you will give up if she doesn't!

Honestly, part of me just doesn't want to come back to the house when I get back. Just go stay in a hotel or something till I get my own place.

That's another one of those feelings you've got.

My advice is to listen to them, and FEEL them. Even when they are uncomfortable. Actually especially when they are uncomfortable, as that looks like a sign that you are growing.

The tricky part is deciding what to actually DO about those feelings. There you have choices, so be careful.

It sounds like you are being careful about your actions--you aren't doing anything that sounds foolish or rash to me. Sorry to hear about the timing with your vacation and the work on the house... . but as you said, you did give your mother many chances to schedule the work before you booked.

[twister329]

You should go to the trip no matter what. She's throwing this bone at you, don't fall for it. Otherwise every time you plan something against her wishes, you'll be left wondering what the end result will be like because you've always ended up falling for what she wanted.

Try it this once. See how it goes. She'll most likely throw a tantrum, but think of it as an immature child not getting what they want. I know the first time I tried this method, I, too, was scared at the idea. But I mustered up the courage one time and went with my gut. Now, it's not so hard anymore because I know what to expect from my mother's reactions.

The first time I went against her wishes was when she kept delaying me from going to college. She kept saying that we were going to move, and that I shouldn't go to school yet. Well, seven months out of high school, I was fed up! This was my future we're talking about. I stood my ground and signed up for school. She didn't want to talk to me for a month all because I didn't listen to her. We argued a lot, and I told her she had seven months for us to move, but we hadn't gone anywhere. So I had every reason to go against her wishes. Imagine that, a mother that doesn't want her kids to go to college. She did the same tactic to my brother, but it took him FOUR years to go against her wishes and go to college, and that was AFTER I had done it.

My father helped push me, too. So I was thankful for that at least. What really made me wake up was when my father told me when we were just kids, my mother had said she didn't care if we didn't go to school, got married, or had a job as long as we were with her all the time. Meaning, as long as we were dependent on her at all times.

[TryingToLive]

That's another one of those feelings you've got.

My advice is to listen to them, and FEEL them. Even when they are uncomfortable. Actually especially when they are uncomfortable, as that looks like a sign that you are growing.

The tricky part is deciding what to actually DO about those feelings. There you have choices, so be careful.

Thank you. This is very true. I'm so used to my feelings being attacked or discredited from my mother that it's taken me a long time to even let them through. I guess I still struggle with feeling guilt for feeling them, though. I'm definitely going to put a lot of thought into what choices I do make, but I need to start keeping those feelings as an important factor in what I decide. My previous decisions were always revolving around my uBPDm's feelings, not my own. That's not healthy or right.

I will take the time away to let my head clear and figure out what I feel should be my next move in dealing with her.

You should go to the trip no matter what. She's throwing this bone at you, don't fall for it. Otherwise every time you plan something against her wishes, you'll be left wondering what the end result will be like because you've always ended up falling for what she wanted.

Try it this once. See how it goes. She'll most likely throw a tantrum, but think of it as an immature child not getting what they want. I know the first time I tried this method, I, too, was scared at the idea. But I mustered up the courage one time and went with my gut. Now, it's not so hard anymore because I know what to expect from my mother's reactions.

The first time I went against her wishes was when she kept delaying me from going to college. She kept saying that we were going to move, and that I shouldn't go to school yet. Well, seven months out of high school, I was fed up! This was my future we're talking about. I stood my ground and signed up for school. She didn't want to talk to me for a month all because I didn't listen to her. We argued a lot, and I told her she had seven months for us to move, but we hadn't gone anywhere. So I had every reason to go against her wishes. Imagine that, a mother that doesn't want her kids to go to college. She did the same tactic to my brother, but it took him FOUR years to go against her wishes and go to college, and that was AFTER I had done it.

My father helped push me, too. So I was thankful for that at least. What really made me wake up was when my father told me when we were just kids, my mother had said she didn't care if we didn't go to school, got married, or had a job as long as we were with her all the time. Meaning, as long as we were dependent on her at all times.

Wow, I know EXACTLY what you guys went through. That moving excuse is what has held me from having a life for years, like your brother. We actually moved several times over the course of a few years and each time I'd tell myself the next place would be fine. She'd be settled and happy and I can move out, go to school, work, etc. Nope. Each place came with reasons why she didn't want to stay. As her health caused problems, she got me to "compromise" by agreeing to not get a job until we had moved, since she could not sell the house unless I was here 24/7. I was okay with this because we had contacted a real estate agent and such. Yet, there were excuses. 2 years later I finally gave up and started job searching. She blames me for us not moving because I went back on my promise and got a job. I waited for 2 years to get a part time job with totally flexible hours, and it's still "preventing" her. Sigh.

Good for both of you for standing your ground and going to school, though. I know how hard it is. Did she act as though she never stopped you from going, though? Or that she wanted you to, just not at THAT time? That's something I have faced, which makes it so much harder to deal with.

I am definitely going on the trip. Thank you. You are right about her throwing a bone. She's trying now to make it difficult for me and is now making me get a hotel room for the night prior because apparently leaving at 7am and waking her up is not acceptable. I fought it at first, but oh well. I'll get an extra night of time to relax, right?

[twister329]

Yes, she acted like she never stopped me from going to college. To this day she still believes that. It's as if those moments never even happened. She even credits herself for me going to school, that she encouraged me to do well, etc... .   makes me want to 

I'm glad you're going. Everybody deserves a chance to relax and just take a break. In reality, she's just telling you to go to the hotel because she thinks it'll discourage you from going. She doesn't want you to go, but you already knew that. Good thing you're not falling for it. She fails to realize you're not a puppet she can always control. You are old enough to make your OWN decisions.

Best of luck on the trip! I'm sure you'll enjoy every moment of it