I feel like I'm dying

[jaird]

Visiting my mom in another state now, the state my ex lives in. She used to drive up and stay by my mom's house when I was visiting. Today I went to a department store to buy a bathing suit, and it was the same store I bought her Godiva chocolates in for Valentines Day 2012. She had never had Godiva before, and ate the whole box overnight, LOL.

There are so many things that remind me of her, so much music we enjoyed together, and now even sappy country songs I never heard before remind me of her.

She broke up with me three months ago, just over three months ago, and I'm down ten pounds. I guess it's stress. I was not that overweight to begin with, and now I really have no fat left to lose. I used to be a happy guy, loved working out. Now I have to drag myself to the gym and push through a workout. My aerobic capacity to swim is shot now since I've been smoking more since the breakup.

I have read so much, and talked to her so much, but all she says now is that she has a whole new wonderful life without me, and that she does not want to see me. And BTW-She broke up with me after 27 months of the typical idolization/honeymoon phase followed by the twisted facts and distortions and raging stage. She broke up with me six weeks before I was to move 1000 miles away from my house and kids and get an apartment by her so we could finally be together and not in a LDR.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been seeing a therapist, but all he says is make a life for yourself. I have another woman who is sweet and kind, but I can't share this broken relationship with her, and all her sweetness does is make me miss my btch.

I'm sure I sound like a whiny school boy, and that was never me before. I guess I'm just at my wit's end. Not sure this pain and sense of loss will ever stop.

[fakename]

i think it began to stop for me when i committed to myself that no matter what, i would never take my ex back.

to a degree, i think that helped with all the pain, partly cause i felt like i dont care who she sleeps with now cause i'm not taking her back... .  

also, knowing she'll never be happy has helped.

also, i too have had to really force myself to work out after the breakup. i was so depressed, but i really pushed myself to at least do p90x or cycle once a day. and a month later while i was still sad, i could take joy in the results and also seeing that i was moving towards my new life... .  

[mango_flower]

The pain from reminders is excrutiating... .   I'm 5 months out and still get them a lot. But have been a few of "our" places since, with friends etc, trying to make new memories. It's so tough at first.  Especially when you see something in the shops you know she'd like and you instinctively go to buy it and then remember... .  

The pain is  unbearable.  And many therapists just don't get it.

She's broken you down - but you know what, you WILL build yourself back up and you will be stronger.

I really do feel your pain in this, step at a time, one thing at a time, day by day. xxx

[jaird]

Thanks to the three of you. All good advice, I'm sure.

I am not sure Wally how to let my heart marinate in it, LOL, but keep my head out of it.

And yes, fakename, I am ambivalent now as far as even if I would ever want to see her again under ANY circumstances. She has caused me so much pain, much of it intentional. That's what I don't get, her cruelty. I never did anything intentional to hurt this woman. I don't know why she just wants to hurt me now.

Like I said, don't even know if I would see her if I could, but I do miss the being together part of the r/s.

[ScotisGone74]

I can sympathize with you really Jaird, I'm sorry you are down right now.  From what I have seen and heard it seems like they choose to breakup when things are getting Too close for them-its like the closer and more comfortable We get with Them, the farther away they want to get-ie Push/Pull.  They are not capable of finding a happy distance to be at in their relationships, they are always either too far or too close. 

I honestly didn't believe that any person could ever hurt me as bad as the expwBPD did, I don't think she could have even planned it honestly to hurt me this bad, its just her doing whatever She wants, Whenever she wants to. 

I've been Soo sick about all of it since the ending I was just about ready to pack my stuff and join the circus, being the guy in the box they poked swords and knives into would be joy compared to this. 

[fakename]

Well the good thing is that missing being in a relationship is normal after any breakup - with a BPD person or not. It's something everyone goes through so no need to attribute that to BPD. Just have to be comfortable being alone. With your own mind and own hobbies. - with your own companionship. In my opinion that creates strength internally.

Why does she do things to intentionally hurt you? Probably cause she's an evil b*tch. And doesn't want to see you happy without her. Wants you to be miserable and use you as a backup. Maybe she's continuing to try to break down your self esteem and self respect and confidence so that she has a better chance of you taking her back. Who knows. Her head is screwed up and it's time for a healthy life and healthy relationship.

[jaird]

I can sympathize with you really Jaird, I'm sorry you are down right now.  From what I have seen and heard it seems like they choose to breakup when things are getting Too close for them-its like the closer and more comfortable We get with Them, the farther away they want to get-ie Push/Pull.  They are not capable of finding a happy distance to be at in their relationships, they are always either too far or too close. 

I honestly didn't believe that any person could ever hurt me as bad as the expwBPD did, I don't think she could have even planned it honestly to hurt me this bad, its just her doing whatever She wants, Whenever she wants to. 

I've been Soo sick about all of it since the ending I was just about ready to pack my stuff and join the circus, being the guy in the box they poked swords and knives into would be joy compared to this. 

I can relate to every word.

[Blessed0329]

Jaird, I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. But try to find some perspective, if possible. She can say all she wants to that she has this great new happy life. It's a lie, a front, meant to keep you away. The truth is, she may never have a happy life at all, because she is sick. I believe it is ok to remember the good stuff you had with her. Losing that is what you are grieving. I am just now beginning to be able to think about those good times with my ex and not be in pain, or anger. Well, not as much.

Reading your last part about the new lady and her sweetness making you miss the b***** so reminds me of my nephew's continual longing for his crazy BPD ex, even though he is now married to someone who is so much better for him. There is nothing rational in it at all, but the feelings are just still there.

[jaird]

Well the good thing is that missing being in a relationship is normal after any breakup - with a BPD person or not. It's something everyone goes through so no need to attribute that to BPD. Just have to be comfortable being alone. With your own mind and own hobbies. - with your own companionship. In my opinion that creates strength internally.

Why does she do things to intentionally hurt you? Probably cause she's an evil b*tch. And doesn't want to see you happy without her. Wants you to be miserable and use you as a backup. Maybe she's continuing to try to break down your self esteem and self respect and confidence so that she has a better chance of you taking her back. Who knows. Her head is screwed up and it's time for a healthy life and healthy relationship.

She wants to hurt me because she perceives that I hurt her. We were both married when we met. She was looking to separate/divorce quickly, and I was not. I was happy to be friends with her if that was all she wanted. I really liked her personalty. But one thing led to another, and an affair started. She poured her heart and soul into the affair, flying to see me every five or six weeks, bringing me gifts, making me the center of her life. She was in love from day one.

I was much more ambivalent, and took several months to fall in love. She asked me recently why I took so long, but the truth is, even in 7 or 8 months, we had only seen each other five or six times and some of those visits were for a few hours only. I fell in love when we started spending more and more time together, after the first five or six months.

Then I saw her temper a few times. In all honesty, I was a bad partner in those days, and I deserved what I got I guess. I give her credit for not leaving during the middle of our 27 month affair. But the temper rages continued, even after I had straightened out. I asked her to show me calm and stable, and she could never do that. She admitted she could not. I was willing to leave my marriage, and my home life was calm and stable, but I wanted to go to the same type of environment.

Then as a 25th anniversary present I went away with my wife. I did not want to go, and my wife knew this, and I had already told her I wanted out of the marriage, but she asked me to go anyway. This hurt the GF tremendously. We had been seeing each other for two years, and then I went on a 25th anniversary trip. My feeling was that I owed it to my wife, for all she had done for me and all we had been through over 25 years.

A few months later, when i was ready to leave, there was one more family trip I had to take. It was ten days with my kids and my extended family, and it was a gift from my mom, and I really wanted to go. of course my wife was invited too and was going. That trip was the straw that broke the camel's back. My ex GF wanted me to tell my wife she could not go, or ask her not to go. But my wife was invited and is part of the family, and the mother of my kids. I could not ask her not to go,

The GF did not understand this family dynamics part of the trip. Or did not want to understand.

So, in my exes mind, I "hurt" her by going on trips. She could not see the anniversary one as a payback and a farewell. And she could not or would not see the family trip as a free vacation with my kids.

So now, for these slights, it's all about her now, her new r/s, her great life w/o me, and she hopes I die or have a stroke. SMH.

[GreenMango]

Jaird it got messy.  Lots of complicated emotions and family dynamics going on.

Hurt for a hurt isn't a great way for anybody to react.  I agree what you said about her feeling hurt by it all.  Same for you it hurt you too. 

How's your support system now? 

[jaird]

I have no real support system. I spoke to a few friends in January and February, but I don't think anyone wants to hear about us anymore.

Other than that, I have a therapist. Now I actually have two therapists, LOL. But I don't find them all that useful. It is all about "make your own life" "do things for yourself that make you happy"

Maybe that's good advice, but it does not deal with the real issue-the loss of the closest relationship I have ever had. And not just the loss of it, but the being painted black unjustly and shut out so she could move on.

Other than that, I can obviously not confide in my wife. She has not asked and clearly does not really want to know anything about what transpired. And I would never tell my kids.

[GreenMango]

Tough spot to be for sure.  Sounds a lot like grieving.

Are you and your wife trying to work it out and move forward now?  Or you two separated and possibly divorcing?

Reason I ask is maybe the therapy needs a shift to a different type that is more constructive and has some solid longterm goals for you to aim for.

Sorry to hear about the lack of a support system.  Have you been giving this some thought?  Step 4 on detachment is creative action.  The steps don't necessarily go in order all the time.  Creative action is great because it gives tangibles - like hand and foot holds - that you can see right away.  Maybe some more structured actions are needed like scheduled events with your kids, or a regular hobby.

[jaird]

I actually had a great day today. I stayed busy cleaning up my mom's house while is in the hospital, so I didn't think about he ex much at all. I had dinner with another woman who wants a relationship with me and wants to help me resettle by her. And as I was getting ready to leave for dinner the ex called. I had just written her off as "maybe BPD, maybe just cruel and cold", but whatever, she was bad.

She started off nice, and I was nice. And within minutes she was smashing any personal boundaries and rewriting our history and raging again. It was like a full scale inquisition from the old days. It made me realize again that she is sick, and there is more to it than just being mean. I do feel for her again in a sympathetic way. I also feel quite free as hopefully this is our final contact. As good as she was when she was good, she is hopelessly broken and is someone else's problem now.

As far as the wife and I, it is day by day. I'm not sure what i want. I'm just living life, and I will come or go and do as I please. Life's too short for anything else.