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Billa
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« on: April 07, 2013, 08:12:04 AM » |
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I still hoped I could convince him to give up the idea of the journey, I think. The two of us walking and talking as we were a normal couple in a normal situation… We also talked again what I had done to HIM, when I had left him by texting “all that horrible things” and he told me that if in moment he got the text, we had been in that very place together, “he would have hit my head onto that wall”… I was astounded. And told him that in that case, I would have gone to police. Hearing this, he began to talk about his money problems (he has a very good wage, almost five times my own wage, but in the last period he was always lamenting he had no much money left because of the expenses he was having after buying his house and having it restored). A good way to make worry for him. We talked a little more, and as I saw he was feeling really bad, I told him to go home. When he arrived to the station, we repeated aloud what we were expecting from our relationship, that is to say, that it was a matter of love, not only of sex, and that we should collaborate and share things to make it work. One of the last sentences he uttered: “Have I got your blessing for the journey of next weekend?”: I replied I was no priest and that I hope things were as they said they were, as it would have been a very stupid thing to do, if it weren’t. than I took my train and he drove back home. As I’m very stupid I was really worried for him, as he was going to drive a long distance feeing sick. Then my nightmare went on. It was as being sentenced to death: dead-man-walking. As in those days he got fever, I also hoped he wasn’t going to recover in time for leaving (I was I that level of despair…). I tried to be nice and caring, in order to show him how much I loved him and make him think to what he was doing to our relationship. No result. On Saturday morning he left with her, texting me a whatsapp message telling he was leaving, with many kisses faces. I replied just “ok”. The same reply he got for the rest of the day (“I’ve arrived-I’ve finished work-I’m going out for dinner”). The following day I got no text but he began to use Facebook to hit and hurt me. He was writing things as: “how nice to have breakfast in the sun in the main street of this nice medieval town” and, on her part, she posted on her Facebook wall pictures of a cappuccino cup with a piece of cake… (what a snake she is…). The third day I got a message when they went back, at about 1.00 PM. He was telling me he had arrived safe and asking how I was going, with many kisses… He got only a cold reply from me. At night he called me, with a very nice and loving voice. He got more coldness. As he was lamenting the way I was behaving to HIM (!), saying that even if he hoped that after our last conversation it could be all ok, he knew from the beginning that I would make a fuss about this journey and create problems and new tensions, I told him that he already knew that I hadn’t agree to that idea, adding that not only I wasn’t happy about it but that I had clearly told him that I was “deranged” at the very idea of it. So now he had to cope with my emotions about all this. He said I had no right to say such a thing. I added that I’d given him the opportunity to fix it all, letting me participate to the journey, but he had said no. He had excluded me and that was how I was feeling, excluded and neglected. And this was a thing he couldn’t change just by demanding out of an unknown right. He made a feeble effort to respond to my inquiries and, as he ever did in similar situations, he quickly closed the conversation. The next days, Tuesday and , he entered a sort of “punishing manner”, coldness, sarcasm and so on. On Thursday I knew he had a day off. And I felt my anguish increasing as I began to think that he was certainly going to spend the day with his exGF. As in fact it was. Apart from two lines in the morning, as a reply to my texting, I had no news from him all day long. He had also disappeared from Facebook (his “other life”). And so had her. Very late, at about midnight, she reappeared online, writing on her wall “What.A.Wonderful.Day.Let’s.Say.It” (that with capitol letters and full stop was a way of writing he used sometimes to stress ideas). One minute later he put his like on the post… and then reappeared online posting some general stuff on his own wall. I was getting crazy. It was all so painful, I couldn’t cope with all that sorrow. I reacted with my on post. As she has closed her second mail to me saying that I could have relied on her for any question, doubt or perplexity, I wrote that I was censoring myself, but still I was available for any question, doubt or perplexity. After a minute he texted me “to say goodnight” and I told him I was happy to find him back among us. He reproached to me he could have said the same to me and was quite unpleasant. As always, I was the one who tried to fix things. But I was feeling very bad. My heart was bleeding. The following day, Friday, he was working, so I wasn’t as tense. As I had caught the same virus he had, I was feeling sick. When I told him about it, he was very nice and caring. Before sleeping he told me I could call him in the middle of the night if I felt worse. I replied that it would have been of no use, as we lived at a 110-miles-distance… He said that it didn’t mind, that I should have called him all the same, just for having some consolation and support. On Saturday I was working, while he had another day off and was working on Sunday. I sent him a text message saying that I was feeling better. His reply-text was a bit cold. It was really as being on a roller coaster… To have some more feedback about what was happening NOW, I asked him where was the match he was going to comment the following day. He answered that it was in X, a place that I knew he could reach passing in the nearby of my hometown. I wrote: “Well, if I’m feeling better, what about stopping and giving me a lift?”. His answer: “ No. I’m going to spend some time on my own. Sorry”. It was horrible. I called him and told him that if really wished to stay on his own, it was better to break up. He replied that my attitude was always drastic, that the point wasn’t it, that it was only that he didn’t like me to “self invite”. I replied that when it was his ex who self invited, it was ok. He said that in that case the perspective was different, as “that was more to be seen as a matter of ideas that spontaneously came out of a chat”. Then he went on saying that he like to be the one who invited and made proposals and I should understand it and relax. “As a matter of fact, he said, we have just redefined our relationship on new bases”. I replied: “ah, ok, do you refer to that thing we said about being in love with each other and collaborating in order to make it work properly?” He kept silent, than said. “Well, everyone of us runs his/her own life and we meet and spend some time together when we have the occasion to meet”. He could be very cruel …I thought “Who do you think you are, man?” but, as it frequently happened, I could utter no word, or at least nothing full of sense. Clearly, as he was now sure to have hit the point, he began to relax. As the fool I am, I asked him about his programs for the day. He told me he was going to have shopping, as there was a new shop he was interested in visiting and, at night he was going to have dinner with old friends. My mind was already doubting…As expected, he disappeared. No texts, no Facebook posting. And so did her (I knew from a friend of mine that she was going to the movies, that night). Around eight o’clock, she was back posting on her wall: “ A Saturday deserving its name”. Immediately after, he put his like on the post. I totally lose control and called him. I told me that I was no longer going to stand their little games. That I was fed up with Beautiful Days and Saturday Deserving its Name, as well as of picture of cappuccino cups in the sun. If it was her that she wanted, ok, but please, he had to let me go. I wasn’t going to tolerate this torture. He told me: “all right, just one last question: tell me why are you thinking that what she writes on her wall relates to me”. “because it’s obvious and moreover, you put your like on it in one minute”. “That’s because she writes things that shows how happy she is, and I want to let her know that I’m happy for it. That’s all. But, you know, that’s not relevant now, as two days spent with you talking about all this stuff have proved useless. Yes, it is better to stop here”. “Yes, talking for two days has proved to be useless, I agree. I am not compatible with her presence in your life. Goodbye”. And I hung the phone up. Next morning I found out that he had put me in the Facebook Acquaintances list again. A way to punish me, with disregard and little games. So, as I was full of rage and sorrow, I removed him from my Friends List. I think he didn’t realized it until Monday. I fact a friend told me that he had posted a picture of his hotel room and had commented to one of his “groupies” (he has a lot of them, writing on his wall) that he would go with her in one of the next journeys. And the privacy settings of the post was “acquaintances”… When he found out, the following day, he blocked me. And it was no surprise to me, as removing him I had broken free of his control, so he had to re-establish it in some way. The truth was that I really didn’t want to exit the relationship, I only was extremely wounded and I only wished he could tell that he loved me, in spite of all the mess he had done. The first two days after our last call, I felt confused. On Thursday my heart was bleeding. The previous night I had found out he had unblocked me on Facebook and he had commented the post of a friend I was commenting on the purpose to gain my attention. I thought it was a signal he wanted re-engage me. So I sent him a message on Fb, telling that I had removed him from friends just because I was angry for having been put again among the Acquaintances and not because I hated him. Adding that it wasn’t easy for me, as I loved him deeply. I couldn’t imagine his reaction. He answered “ As soon as the system will let me do it, I will for ever disappear from your screen and your life”. I was shocked. I wrote back: “you may disappear from my screen, but not from my heart and mind”. He wrote that my words were embarassing and that we knew it couldn’t work. I called him, but he didn’t pick up my call. So I texted him asking “don’t you want to talk to me?” Well, I know. I was giving him power. And he took it. He told me a lot of terrible things, about me, about my behaviour and our relationship. It was all my fault. I had convinced myself that he was having sex with his exGF and he was fed up with having to justify himself. I was the one who was creating problems and tensions, not her. And he told me that his love for me had waned after what had happened in August (that is to say when he had accused me of having criticized his sexual performances and painted me black for the first time). And added that no one was taking my space out of his life, as he was the one who had decided to reduce it. When I answered telling him “ok, let’s go on using people and trampling over them, you’ll have a wonderful life” he replied that finally he had managed to uncover my real rageous nature, hidden under a false love coat. Adding that his life was perfect the way it was. In the same texting he had also orderered (I) me to erase his number from my contact list, saying that he was doing the same. I don’t know if this was true, but from that day on, we are NC. And I find it very painful. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, that I let him overrun my boundaries a lot of times, so that he could think he could do whatever he wanted, that I had tolerated verbal and emotional abuse and also that in some ways, as a reaction, I had acted out as the last time. But he has been giving me really a hard time and finally I lose control and sometimes seemed inconsistent, trying to please him in order to fix things and then sounding resentful for not having managed it. All the same, I’m still in love with this man and I miss him very much. I feel anger, i'm heartbroken, very wounded, but his NC is terrible for me.
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