Letting go once and for all

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

I have read so much on this board and thank you all for opening your hearts, minds and my eyes to this very difficult part of our lives that no one else can understand but we, who have all been through it.  I have not yet told my story because I have been taking it all in, all of your warm words, warnings, wisdom and the courage you have all demonstrated. 

I too, have been hurt and still do, even after almost 2 years. I just cannot shake it.  I've been to therapy, to see what it is about me, that I cannot forget him.  Do I have a problem?  I think I am co-dependant,  I still yearn for him after all this time, I still care.  There has been no contact. I sometimes feel like I am doomed. Sometimes I feel like just curling up under a rock and sometimes I feel like reaching out to him for answers although I sure as heck know, I won't get any.  Like all of you, I thought he was THE ONE. I believe he has traits of NPD as well.   Therapy can only do so much for us, it is within ourselves, to find the strength to carry on without them, even though we still worry about them and their well-being. 

I am 48.  He was my sweet 16 sweetheart for one year and-a-half.  We hooked-up again after 25 years for 10 years. We lived together for 7 years out of the 10 and he initially left because he 'wanted to find himself and take care of his son'.  He said it wasn't me but he, who had things to deal with. He as a child, was thrown back and forth between Mom and Dad, no stability, no close friends, drinks and smokes up daily.  He has accused me of so many wrongdoings and punished me with silence, no basis, no explanations.  I, stood for it, hoping he would come to his senses.  I forgot all of the bad because the good, boy was it ever good, too good, I was hooked.

We got back together after about a year, living apart, it was going well, getting together on weekends .  He could not live without me, he was nothing without me... .   he said he needed me.  He said he would lift a bus if I was under it... .   He did not renew his lease. He was moving back to be with me forever.  We were destined to grow old, travel bla bla bla. He was always hugging me, loving me, we cried happy tears. We were one, nothing was to come between us.  Solid as a rock. I was in heaven, happy as a pig in sh_t. So I thought.

The weekend prior to moving the bigger stuff, he moved some belongings in my apartment with the help of my uncle.  He told me he loved me forever, that he could not live without me. It was bliss... .   again.   I went out for a coffee with my uncle that night after he had moved some of his stuff and he didn't feel like coming along with us.  I think he rather have stayed at my place and drink and smoke up some more... . alone.  When I got back about an hour later, he accused me of sleeping with my uncle.   Go figure.  He called me everything under the sun that night, believing his own accusation, bla bla bla.  I told him to leave because I was flabbergasted, his behaviour was no surprise but because of the flip side of his personality, the overly tender, casanova, loving, manipulating person that he was, it damned hurt. I could not believe he would accuse me of such a thing just before moving back in.   I asked him to leave, he would not and he kept yelling and calling me names. He ended up leaving only after I called the cops because he would just not stop.  He was not violent, just nasty verbal diarrhea. When he got home, he called  me on redial to give me hell and continued the accusation.  I unplugged the phone, hoping he would get some sleep and wake up with an inch of sense into him.  Great expectations. The next morning, he called me to ask if I was going to be home because he had rented a small van to pick up the stuff he had moved in just a week prior.  He came with a rented van, was totally red in the face.  He did not look at me, he packed whatever he had brought and left, just left,  leaving all the doors opened without a single word, never even saying goodbye.  I have not spoken to him since that very day and never saw him again.  I was with him 10 years.  It was bliss, we were compatible on every level, we enjoyed each other's company, he was my best friend.  Sometimes he would even jump up and down like a child, telling me he was so elated we were together. He was childish at times but I savoured the inner-child in him.  I loved that boyish side of him. I so truly loved him and still do.  I don't think he had anybody else when he left.  I don't think it was a commitment issue.  I truly think he is BPD because of what I have read from everyone and their experiences.  He was never diagnosed and I am no professional.  He once told someone I know that he should not be working, that he is too ill to work. 

We first went out together at 16 for a year and a half.  Back then, even at 16 years old, there were read flags.  I left him then because he was way too emotional, I could never speak to other guys,  he was irrational at times, always threatening to leave and cried like a baby, I would hold him until he calmed down but I was at the tender age of 16 and it became too much for me.  I loved him but I ended it then.  When we got back together after 25 years, he always mentioned now and then that I should not have left him at 16, that I hurt him.  He threatened to leave during the course of our 10 year relationship about 5-6 times saying it was payback for me, see 'how you like it ?'  I was the one who broke it off then, my high school sweetheart, even though we did not go to the same school.  I never, ever forgot him.  I was involved with another man for 19 years after him before we got back together.  I left him that relationship because we were both different and did not see eye to eye.  I was heartbroken but got over him, easily. After some time,  I looked up my sweetheart,  we were both single, we hooked up and we had the best, and the worst of times. I will never forget him.  I really miss him but know deep down inside that he is sick, that it really is not me, that he needs help.  I cannot change him, I can only hope that he is OK because I still do care, even after all this time.  It's a struggle, every day, but I do hope and pray that there is someone out there that will allow me to love them, for I do, have so much love to give. 

My prayers go out to all of you, for having gone through this, for being here, for each and every one of us, for your insight and your words of wisdom.  The pain is immense and immeasurable,  unexplainable.   Let us only hope that by having been through such pain, that we can continue to grow, get over it and give ourselves to someone that is really there for us.

Please continue to share your experiences, they have really shed some light for me.

[abandoned and hurt]

Hi everyone,

I have read so much on this board and thank you all for opening your hearts, minds and my eyes to this very difficult part of our lives that no one else can understand but we, who have all been through it.  I have not yet told my story because I have been taking it all in, all of your warm words, warnings, wisdom and the courage you have all demonstrated. 

I too, have been hurt and still do, even after almost 2 years. I just cannot shake it.  I've been to therapy, to see what it is about me, that I cannot forget him.  Do I have a problem?  I think I am co-dependant,  I still yearn for him after all this time, I still care.  There has been no contact. I sometimes feel like I am doomed. Sometimes I feel like just curling up under a rock and sometimes I feel like reaching out to him for answers although I sure as heck know, I won't get any.  Like all of you, I thought he was THE ONE. I believe he has traits of NPD as well.   Therapy can only do so much for us, it is within ourselves, to find the strength to carry on without them, even though we still worry about them and their well-being. 

I am 48.  He was my sweet 16 sweetheart for one year and-a-half.  We hooked-up again after 25 years for 10 years. We lived together for 7 years out of the 10 and he initially left because he 'wanted to find himself and take care of his son'.  He said it wasn't me but he, who had things to deal with. He as a child, was thrown back and forth between Mom and Dad, no stability, no close friends, drinks and smokes up daily.  He has accused me of so many wrongdoings and punished me with silence, no basis, no explanations.  I, stood for it, hoping he would come to his senses.  I forgot all of the bad because the good, boy was it ever good, too good, I was hooked.

We got back together after about a year, living apart, it was going well, getting together on weekends .  He could not live without me, he was nothing without me... .   he said he needed me.  He said he would lift a bus if I was under it... .   He did not renew his lease. He was moving back to be with me forever.  We were destined to grow old, travel bla bla bla. He was always hugging me, loving me, we cried happy tears. We were one, nothing was to come between us.  Solid as a rock. I was in heaven, happy as a pig in sh_t. So I thought.

The weekend prior to moving the bigger stuff, he moved some belongings in my apartment with the help of my uncle.  He told me he loved me forever, that he could not live without me. It was bliss... .   again.   I went out for a coffee with my uncle that night after he had moved some of his stuff and he didn't feel like coming along with us.  I think he rather have stayed at my place and drink and smoke up some more... . alone.  When I got back about an hour later, he accused me of sleeping with my uncle.   Go figure.  He called me everything under the sun that night, believing his own accusation, bla bla bla.  I told him to leave because I was flabbergasted, his behaviour was no surprise but because of the flip side of his personality, the overly tender, casanova, loving, manipulating person that he was, it damned hurt. I could not believe he would accuse me of such a thing just before moving back in.   I asked him to leave, he would not and he kept yelling and calling me names. He ended up leaving only after I called the cops because he would just not stop.  He was not violent, just nasty verbal diarrhea. When he got home, he called  me on redial to give me hell and continued the accusation.  I unplugged the phone, hoping he would get some sleep and wake up with an inch of sense into him.  Great expectations. The next morning, he called me to ask if I was going to be home because he had rented a small van to pick up the stuff he had moved in just a week prior.  He came with a rented van, was totally red in the face.  He did not look at me, he packed whatever he had brought and left, just left,  leaving all the doors opened without a single word, never even saying goodbye.  I have not spoken to him since that very day and never saw him again.  I was with him 10 years.  It was bliss, we were compatible on every level, we enjoyed each other's company, he was my best friend.  Sometimes he would even jump up and down like a child, telling me he was so elated we were together. He was childish at times but I savoured the inner-child in him.  I loved that boyish side of him. I so truly loved him and still do.  I don't think he had anybody else when he left.  I don't think it was a commitment issue.  I truly think he is BPD because of what I have read from everyone and their experiences.  He was never diagnosed and I am no professional.  He once told someone I know that he should not be working, that he is too ill to work. 

We first went out together at 16 for a year and a half.  Back then, even at 16 years old, there were read flags.  I left him then because he was way too emotional, I could never speak to other guys,  he was irrational at times, always threatening to leave and cried like a baby, I would hold him until he calmed down but I was at the tender age of 16 and it became too much for me.  I loved him but I ended it then.  When we got back together after 25 years, he always mentioned now and then that I should not have left him at 16, that I hurt him.  He threatened to leave during the course of our 10 year relationship about 5-6 times saying it was payback for me, see 'how you like it ?'  I was the one who broke it off then, my high school sweetheart, even though we did not go to the same school.  I never, ever forgot him.  I was involved with another man for 19 years after him before we got back together.  I left him that relationship because we were both different and did not see eye to eye.  I was heartbroken but got over him, easily. After some time,  I looked up my sweetheart,  we were both single, we hooked up and we had the best, and the worst of times. I will never forget him.  I really miss him but know deep down inside that he is sick, that it really is not me, that he needs help.  I cannot change him, I can only hope that he is OK because I still do care, even after all this time.  It's a struggle, every day, but I do hope and pray that there is someone out there that will allow me to love them, for I do, have so much love to give. 

My prayers go out to all of you, for having gone through this, for being here, for each and every one of us, for your insight and your words of wisdom.  The pain is immense and immeasurable,  unexplainable.   Let us only hope that by having been through such pain, that we can continue to grow, get over it and give ourselves to someone that is really there for us.

Please continue to share your experiences, they have really shed some light for me.

[laelle]

Bumping your post hun.  I think your story is an inspiration on how to have compassion and love for your ex while still letting go and doing what is right for you.  What are you doing for yourself now?  How are you coping with the pain?

[sad but wiser]

Dear Abandoned and Hurt,

  Thank you for sharing.  I'm sorry that the healing is taking so long, but each person heals at his/her  own rate.  There are 7 billion people in this world at any given time.  So many of them are lonely.  A lot of people need your love, and not just in a romantic way.  We all need someone who cares about us at 3 in the morning, who would talk us through a tough night and not really resent it.  You can give that here and in a hundred other places.  Maybe a romantic love will come again, maybe it will not.  There is no knowing what tomorrow will bring, but I hope it brings you a smile and some true joy. 

[schwing]

Hi Abandoned and Hurt and  

There are a few things going on with the story you wrote.  I'll try to address them but I don't know which ones are most applicable to why you are having trouble letting go.

First off, for us co-dependent types, letting go is one of the hardest things to do.  For people with BPD (pwBPD) they have their issues, such as difficulty regulating their feelings, splitting (idealizing/devaluing) those closest to them, insecurities related to the lack of object constancy, etc... .    But for us co-dependents, for me at least, one of my biggest weaknesses is using other people's problems and issues to distract from my own.  On the one hand, it makes me a go-to person when someone needs helps understanding their issues, but it's bad news for me when I should be getting a handle on my own issues and difficulties.  And that's just one of our issues.

So I'm speculating that one reason why you're still thinking about your ex-BPD loved one, is that you don't quite have a good handle on your own feelings of ... .   whatever it is that is making you unhappy.  So what I usually try to do when I'm feeling that way, is to turn my impulse to wonder what is going on with my ex, or turn my impulse to trying to "fix" other people towards myself.  What is going on with so-and-so, turns into what is going on with me.  And I really have to ask, what is up with me?

Here, you might need to find out what works best for you.  Some people might turn to journaling, or other creative endeavors.  But the key is to find some reliable way to open up that Pandora's box that is our own feelings.  My understanding of feeling depression, is that the depression is only the "stuckness" of other feelings that we haven't yet recognized or come to terms with.

Don't just accept the answers you *think* you should say.  Try to cultivate a sense of security and comfort (i.e. absence of self-judgement) so that you are willing to hear and say things you might not be comfortable with hearing yourself say.  Sometimes when we get too familiar with a therapist, we might get stuck in the same patterns of interaction because that is what is comfortable and that is what may be expected, but then that doesn't help us reveal what we might be stuck with.

So what I'm saying is... .   find out why you're having trouble letting go... .   by finding out what else is going on with you.

Secondly, these BPD relationships are traumatic for the bulk of us.  After spending a decade with someone with BPD, I might expect it to take more or less a decade before you're squared away with everything that had happened during that time.  I was with my exBPDgf for five years and it more or less took me a decade to fully get myself sorted out afterwards.  Then again, I might be a slow learner.

Either way, co-dependency or trauma from a BPD relationship, we're looking at some kind of recovery process.  You know, like the 12 steps for recovering alcoholics or addicts.  Because it's one day at a time.  And to stay on the wagon.  The trick is to find out what is a good place to get support and what your wagon is exactly.

Lastly, you first connected with your BPD loved one as a teenager.  For all of us, I think, our earliest bonds tend to be the most strong for a whole host of reasons.  One major reason (in my experience) is that when we were young, we gravitated to what was familiar... .   or familial.  The kinds of connections I formed when I was a teenager were with people who most reminded me of my family (for good and bad).  And what I've learned over the years is how my family was just as dysfunctional as the adult partners I selected over the decades.  I haven't had the experience of rekindling high school romances but I'd imagine they'd be more intense than the already intense BPD relationships I've had since.  And that would make it yet again harder to let go.

So on this regard, you could either chalk it up to it being childhood sweethearts are closer to our heart strings.  Or perhaps this childhood sweetheart tugs on strings that have more to do with the kind of dynamics you had with some part of your family of origin.  And that could reveal a very deep hole, one that is not unrelated to your co-dependent qualities.

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing