Advice on avoiding the unavoidable?

[arabella]

byasliver - I'm so happy that you got such a positive vibe from the therapist! See? Never underestimate the power of moving forward slowly. Just remember, this is only the beginning... .   You're going to need all your strength to deal with the healing process. I think you'll do great - you have a positive attitude and you really care.

Grey Kitty - is it weird that when you said your "ears perked up" I envisioned an actual cat sitting at a computer tapping away at the keys? I think I'm losing it over here... .  

4now - It IS really hard to have to be the r/s leader all the time, isn't it? I'm exhausted but I'm hoping that it gets easier as I practice using the tools I've learned here. I think maybe the beginning is the hardest because it doesn't come naturally or automatically yet. (This is the second time today I've wished for a 'fingers crossed' or 'good luck' emoticon!)

I've seen the book, High Conflict Couple, by Alan Fruzzetti (and an intro from BPD treatment specialist Marsha Linehan) recommended on this site a number of times. It doesn't refer to BPD specifically so it's appropriate to share even with a partner who hasn't been diagnosed (or is in denial). The focus of the book is mostly improving communication and keeping conflict and tension to a minimum. It's based on DBT techniques - which also happen to be one of the most highly recommended therapies for treating BPD. Worth a shot?

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[Grey Kitty]

Right now, though, I'm just immensely relieved that his issues are as glaringly apparently to others as they have been to me. I don't know what this means concerning him since he is soo deeply denying his issues but I know that the therapist is behind me ... .  

Hooray!   Now while you are here in this supportive forum, do the "Yes, I'm sane, he really is acting like a wackjob dance"

Then get it out of your system. He may not actually be able to hear and believe this from the T much more than he does from you. Or he may believe it.

Either way, he is probably stressed by it, and is likely to have trouble coping.

Saying anything that even has a whiff of  "I told you so" or "The therapist agrees with me" is invalidating... .   make sure you don't do that. And try to do what you can to validate him now.

[Grey Kitty]

Don't worry, I'm not feeling left out. Actually I like hanging out with "the girls" sometimes more than with guys--I'm not into sports on TV enough, I guess! 

How would you validate him saying it's her fault? Just out of curiosity, not very good at the validating! Thanks!

Well, you don't have to agree that it is all your fault, and that's good since you probably don't   BTW, a lot of it is non-verbal. You sure can't be actually rolling your eyes!

Instead you validate that you understand them. In this case, they are probably blaming you because they are upset about something else. So validate that they feel angry or hurt about something. "I see that you are upset at having to pay for insurance." or "I see that you feel trapped by these financial obligations."

I consider myself so-so at validation (and I don't always remember to do it at the right time!). This workshop on it has great examples:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

4now, can you describe an example where you wished had validated well instead of what you did say? You can get a lot out of posting a difficult situation, your best try, and seeing what others here who are much better at validation than I am will say.

Are there any books or resources on this site that you guy have found especially insightful?  Especially in regards to communication techniques?

I've read the High Conflict Couple, and it does a great job of addressing how to stop invalidating and start validating. You can work on it alone, or with your partner.

If you are still doing things which are invalidating, it will undo all the hard work of validating. So make sure you get this part figured out FIRST.

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner