My life feels empty

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm genuinely scared I've acquired by proxy, one of the major BPD traits of feeling empty.

I'm fine when I have company, or am distracted by posting here, playing on facebook or whatever.

But I cannot be alone or I feel empty or incomplete.  Like part of me is missing that she's not here (es, co-dependency).

Example - tonight I went out with friends for food.  It's a place where I used to go with my ex a lot, sometimes with that same group of friends and sometimes just the two of us.

Walking back to my car, I felt a heavy sadness in my stomach.  I felt alone, empty, like life is pointless. I could almost "see" her next to me, as I remembered when we'd be leaving the restaurant together, going home to snuggle up on the couch and watch a DVD or whatever.  But now I just go home alone, to an empty house, to nothingness.

Like I say, I'm fine when I am distracted.  But that's just avoidance, surely.  I want to know how to be ok alone.  I always was, it was my default. But now, without her, it all feels so very wrong.

[mango_flower]

I'm genuinely scared I've acquired by proxy, one of the major BPD traits of feeling empty.

I'm fine when I have company, or am distracted by posting here, playing on facebook or whatever.

But I cannot be alone or I feel empty or incomplete.  Like part of me is missing that she's not here (es, co-dependency).

Example - tonight I went out with friends for food.  It's a place where I used to go with my ex a lot, sometimes with that same group of friends and sometimes just the two of us.

Walking back to my car, I felt a heavy sadness in my stomach.  I felt alone, empty, like life is pointless. I could almost "see" her next to me, as I remembered when we'd be leaving the restaurant together, going home to snuggle up on the couch and watch a DVD or whatever.  But now I just go home alone, to an empty house, to nothingness.

Like I say, I'm fine when I am distracted.  But that's just avoidance, surely.  I want to know how to be ok alone.  I always was, it was my default. But now, without her, it all feels so very wrong.

[lostkitten]

I know exactly how you feel. Often, I feel like I'm simply "going through the motions". My friends and family are sick and tired of me being sad, and sick of hearing about it. I feel like a burden, or dark cloud, over everything because I'm missing him so much. People keep tellin me to keep my head up, and it will get better - so I'm going to tell you the same thing, partly because I hope the more I say it, the more ill believe it.

[mtmc01]

I truly feel for you. I am afraid I have the same problem. I also feel complete and utter emptiness. I can point out everything unhealthy about the relationship, including my large part in it, but that does not mean I was ready to give up on it or or her or ever would have. I used to know how to be ok alone... .   because alone was mostly all I ever was. But it was a very poor excuse for a life. I'd get home and what... .   watch TV, play a little guitar, watch a movie? My life had/has no meaning. That's no way to live. Codependency was a heck of a lot better than this.

[lostkitten]

I truly feel for you. I am afraid I have the same problem. I also feel complete and utter emptiness. I can point out everything unhealthy about the relationship, including my large part in it, but that does not mean I was ready to give up on it or or her or ever would have. I used to know how to be ok alone... .   because alone was mostly all I ever was. But it was a very poor excuse for a life. I'd get home and what... .   watch TV, play a little guitar, watch a movie? My life had/has no meaning. That's no way to live. Codependency was a heck of a lot better than this.

He and I used to joke about how codependent we were. He was needy, I was a giver. It worked for us. I proudly wore his engagement ring and was planning our wedding - I was in it for the long haul - and it disappeared, overnight. I know exactly how you feel. I come home from work, and hibernate in my bedroom at my new apartment, take long walks and sleep and cry. How could this be better than what we had?

[mango_flower]

Thanks guys -

I guess in the long run, this may be for the best. But for me, that'll only be IF I manage to meet somebody amazing and am happy again. I know a relationship is not everything and there is more to life - but I actually want a family - the whole shebang - that I never thought I did!

If this doesn't happen, then yeah - you're right - I'd rather have my relationship back with my BPD than be so horribly lonely... .  

But fingers crossed time will make things better and send good things our way, so that we can look back one day and say "Oh so THAT'S why this all had to happen!" x

[whereisthezen]

I felt that way when my previous r/s ended without any drama too. We just didnt feel like we were right for eachother, more like friends. So I think this is part of breakups in general. It takes a while to resolve yourself BUT it does work itself out in time.

I had those experiences too and it was also due to him moving far overseas 3 months later so I really felt a loss of my friend and our fun times together. But I know you feel a loss thats much harder bc of the time you spent together and nature of the r/s. i'm sure others can give you guidance, I just wanted to let you know I remember it was hard and painful and lonely and although not even 10% of what you're feeling. Your body is trying hard to get you through this and you will get past this, you will. 

[Elsegundo]

Hi friends.  Sorry to see you're you are feeling this way. 

While its entirely possible to have picked up some things from your BPD r/s, I wonder if this case is not an example of that.  Feeling empty is also a sign of depression, which is a natural outcome of an intense loss like you're experiencing.  For BPD it's chronic and pervasive, not time specific.

It sounds to me like your souls need some love. ((Hugs)). Wish I could do more.

[Hurt llama]

Thanks guys -

I guess in the long run, this may be for the best. But for me, that'll only be IF I manage to meet somebody amazing and am happy again. I know a relationship is not everything and there is more to life - but I actually want a family - the whole shebang - that I never thought I did!

If this doesn't happen, then yeah - you're right - I'd rather have my relationship back with my BPD than be so horribly lonely... .  

But fingers crossed time will make things better and send good things our way, so that we can look back one day and say "Oh so THAT'S why this all had to happen!" x

awww! I feel for you... . I know it doesn't help to hear that you are lucky this happened before you got married and had kids but you are.

You need to grieve the loss before you will meet someone 'great'.

We idealize their memory so much... . We never had exactly what we thought we had in the first place.

It's ok to feel sad, it's ok to be lonely... .   it will pass eventually... .   I know how hard it is.

Been there more than once.

[ComoLu]

My life still feels empty, and we have been apart for nearly 2 years, but we were together for more than 30.  My therapist said that I was "situationally depressed," but otherwise very normal.  It still feels like nothing is quite right without him, but I was lonely with him too, especially in the last year or so when he was withdrawing from me.  I am much better than I was, and someday I hope I will feel whole again.  I wish the same for you and for everyone out there suffering from loss, but I watched my mother-in-law still mourning her husband 9 years after his death and wonder if my pain will ever even mostly go away.

[HarmKrakow]

This is the problem I'm having... .   before I met her, I had a hard time finding happiness in life. I was very much a loner type in a lot of ways, and most of my close friends were scattered across the country, as well as my family. I am working toward a great career, but I've never gotten much fulfillment from that. I'm 27 years old, and before I met my ex I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever find love or someone to enjoy my life with. I realize now a lot of this is probably called codependency. But... .   what if we've never been able to be happy alone? When I was with her, even during all of her drinking and emotional lability, I have never felt so whole, confident, happy, and enthusiastic about my future. I hear a lot of you saying you want to "get back" to how you were before. But what if you absolutely despise the person you were before?

Why did you feel lonely? Because you didn't feel kinship with anyone? Because you felt an outsider? Or because you wanted what others wanted?

Go watch this video, and yes, forget about the 'suicidal thoughts' within the video. Forget that.  That's not the underlying message or core from the video. It's to identify who is your tormentor. Because it's your thought ... . and your thoughts are not WHO you really ARE.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o80Q4pLvTE

If you don't get fulfillment out of your career, have you made the right career choice? If it's not making you happy? Why continue? Go watch this video which touches the core of that ... .

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLD0P372xxQ&&hd=1&autoplay=1&fs=1

Why continue with something you don't like? What is your goal in life? Or basically the question would be ... . why do you life? What is the purpose in life? Go watch this video.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6o

You ask yourself ... . were you ever capable of being happy on your own? Well, it's not unlikely that you have to answer that question with a 'yes'. Why? Because this relationship did not act as attachment to you as a person, but it fitted inside you. Codependency is nothing else besides being 10 years old and loving your mother. That can't be the bond of a relationship. A relationship acts as an extension to life, not the fulfillment. Not the purpose. The reason why you felt so good, is because it filled(!) the holes inside you which you were (in)consciously aware of. As you stated yourself, you weren't happy. You weren't fulfilled yet. Because of her attention, the way she filled you, you need to get aware of who you really are. She isn't you my man. Codependency means she WAS you. A healthy relationship can never be a codependent r/s. You are not her son nor were she your daughter. This relationship has told you, that there are things, which you as a person need to work on. You aren't happy? Why is that? Who is the real you? You don't have friends in a specific field? Go seek a different field. You are still young. What is keeping you at bay? Who are you really? Do you matter? Go watch this video.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptQJJZZ2Oxw

A relationship is not the purpose of life nor does it act as something which is the last puzzle piece of life. Why? Because otherwise without a relationship you would always be sad. Do you know how many singles there are in the world? You think they are all sad and grieving the way we do?

This immaculate amazing ___*ed fresh pile of horsdung called BPD has shown you your own weaknesses. You need to be happy of your own before you can give someone else happiness. If you aren't you seek for ways to achieve that. Let go of people who drag down your energy, let go of a career which is not making you  happy. What ... . your parents won't be happy with that? So what, you are an adult. You need to stand up for your own responsibility. And of course you will struggle. Thats why there are boards like this, thats why there are things called therapy. Thats why there are things called anti depressants because depression or feeling emptiness actually does change the biological wires in your brain.

You know, what you stated her in the personal inventory board is an AWESOME lesson for you. Why? Because you realize you weren't happy before her. Why? Why weren't you happy? Write it down, go seek cognitive therapy for this. Disect the process of thinking which makes you BELIEVE that you aren't happy. A 'mind' is not you, a mind does not define you. A mind is purely a few braincells, which control your life? I mean ... . mate? Are you going to allow a few braincells to RUN your life? Forever?

And with dissecting this thinking process I mean try to put it in many steps as possible. It starts with:

1. A thought

2. ... .

3. ... .

4. ... .

5. ... .

6. ... .

7. ... .

8. ... .

9. ... .

10. ... .

11. ... .

12. I AM EMPTY! I WASN'T HAPPY!

This is a pure example. Your mind works in steps. This means that before you reach that 12th point ... . you have many many other 'steps' in your thinking process. With cognitive therapy you can write down those steps and work on them individually to BREAK the chain.

You feel empty, but you clearly state what is not making you happy. You realize that! That is such a power. It really is true, you need to be able to love yourself, and care about yourself before you have enough to give another soul that love and care. Why? Because you live your own life, and have a relationship as an extension, not as the fulfillment of life. This will also make sure that every next step in your life, whether a r/s breaks... . you will have a life on your own.

Please my man, please watch all the video's i've put in these texts and please try to read everything i've written here.

Your first step to recovery is what you wrote down here. Your observation and analysis. It's fully up to you to continue with this. If you want to dive into another r/s, i'm pretty sure, and don't get me wrong, you are likely to fail again. If you would take cocaine, or heroin. It's likely you will feel fantastic. Is this me saying you should try it? No ofcourse not. Because it's not healthy, same as being codependent. Why do I give this example? Because life without it, will feel bland ... . will feel empty ... . and therefore you would like to try again. However, deep down it shows that there are things wrong with you, which you need to work on. For every question there is an answer.

Interesting... .  

I kind of get what you're saying though.

I THOUGHT I was happy before her, because I was so anti-relationships.  I thought my life was cool, even though I had suffered depression in the past.  I had friends, hobbies, did well at college and later work.

But only NOW, knowing how happy I was for that year with my girl, do I realise how EMPTY my life was before her.  I was kept occupied, sure.  But I never felt complete.  

She was the missing puzzle piece, I finally realised what life was about - loving her.  And I don't want to love anyone else.  For me, she was it.

So now I have to just muddle through as best  I can.

I hate the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" - it's so wrong!  If I hadn't loved my girl, I'd be blissfully ignorant of the happiness I was capable of, and now don't have.

Your reaction is the typical reaction of a drug addict who's withdrawing on heavy hard drugs. When I read your post, the first thing I thought was literally, this is so much BALONEY. She made you whole? No, thats not the truth. She pointed out your weaknesses. It's not the other way around (please go watch the video's I posted above your reaction). You have to muddle through as best as you can? Why? My dear mango why? Life is NOT about loving someone. If that is your sole purpose in life. If that is the case, you will never be truly happy, because deep inside your are not happy with yourself, and having a partner is purely brushing your ego, filling in the voids and covering your own weaknesses. Everyone has weaknesses, we as humans have the ability to disect those weaknesses and verify where they come from. From our FOO? Are we in FOG ? Are we happy with our career? Are we happy with the sport we do? Why do we do things?

Do you do things in life to pleasure others? Or yourself? Why live a life to only pleasure others.  You cannot associate love with the 'feelings' you shared with your girl. Why? Because every time, in every new friendship, you seek a similar bond. You wont find that. The high you get from cocaine won't be found in eating french fries. That will not work until you meet another BPD in your life. What you shared with your girl, is not love. What you shared with your BPD partner, was purely a sign and show where your weaknesses are.

BPD is not love. It isn't. They are emotional predators, to a extent even sociopath. See BPD as a plastic cup with holes in it. The moment you pour it and fill the void completely the cup will be full. But it will slowly bleed empty through the holes. The holes you can identify as your own problems. The real deep down Mango_flower is not a codependent person where her life depends on the joy of others.

And you know, the both of you, the moment you actually are happy with yourself, you make the choices for yourself, you establish yourself as a person and can be genuinly happy with something you achieve, a friend, something with work. You will find true love eventually, not only with yourself, but also with someone else.

Society nowadays is to much peer pressured. The pressure on everyone's shoulders in relative rich countries is so immaculate. We have to have kids, a family life, etc. We have to have a car, our kids need the best education. Seriously, save up some money and go live in a monastry somewhere in the mountains in China, Tibet or anything. You need to unplug from your current life, because this isn't heading in the right direction. Step outside the box.

I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone here. I really didn't mean to offend anyone, just to shed my perspective on this.

You know what happens to me when I read the posts of you guys? As i've been following the stories from the both almost completely. I doubt myself why I should continue with life? Because you both feel empty, not well, mourn cry and maybe just feel bland and depressed. I unfortunately go one step further. I don't see the point in continuining, and posts like this contribute to it. It's better to have had a short life being happy, than a dreadful f***ked up life hoping for that one moment or chasing that one high forever and ever. Maybe you guys feel guilt because you might leave loving parents or family behind, or brothers or sisters. Which in my case is none of it. Posts like this, make me feel very sad and drive me to an end where I am ready to pull the plug. I am, because I don't feel a point of continuing.

[mtmc01]

Well, I'm finishing med school and starting residency training, so the "try something else" ship has long sailed... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Well, I'm finishing med school and starting residency training, so the "try something else" ship has long sailed... .  

Sailed? If you read the biographies of very successful people in life the first thing you often notice is they have probably failed more often than we did, to some extent completely bankrupt but always kept trying, and ... . not trying in the same boat ... . but trying a different boat.

Trying something else is always an option. Always. If you are not happy in a relationship, and you try to work it out, but it doesn't. You try a new relationship. If you are not happy with your car, you try a new car. If you are not happy with your career. You try a new career. Work a few years in meds and go nightschool to try to do something else.

There is always another option. Always ... . all the time.

I know many people who even after 4/5 years of university, even changed their studies and decided to pick something else. You think they regret? No of course not. A friend of mine finished as BSc and MSc in Psychology to realize she didn't want to become a psychologist and straight after her study she studied 6 more years at uni to become a vet. Now she is a fully licensed animal doctor(!)

[mtmc01]

Look harm, there's always a point in continuing. Even if you're not leaving behind loved ones, you're still leaving behind the potential for a great life. You're even younger than I am. I had some really dark thoughts too, especially immediately post-breakup, but suicide isn't an option. If you're gone (IMO), you're worm food... .   you cease to exist, and yeah the misery you're feeling is gone, but so is everything else. Maybe there's a higher power, and that's something I still haven't resolved within myself, but I don't believe in "heaven" as of now. All we have is what we make of this life. I feel empty as hell, but I'm going to keep waking up every morning, walking out into the sunshine, and breathing in and out.

[mtmc01]

I'm $200,000 in debt. I'm not changing fields anytime soon. And it's not so much that I dislike what I do so much as it's not a source of joy or whatnot in my life. It's a job that will set me up for a good life, and that's fine for me. It's the other voids I need to fill. My profession is the least of my worries.

[HarmKrakow]

Look harm, there's always a point in continuing. Even if you're not leaving behind loved ones, you're still leaving behind the potential for a great life. You're even younger than I am. I had some really dark thoughts too, especially immediately post-breakup, but suicide isn't an option. If you're gone (IMO), you're worm food... .   you cease to exist, and yeah the misery you're feeling is gone, but so is everything else. Maybe there's a higher power, and that's something I still haven't resolved within myself, but I don't believe in "heaven" as of now. All we have is what we make of this life. I feel empty as hell, but I'm going to keep waking up every morning, walking out into the sunshine, and breathing in and out.

And thats exactly what I struggle with. I don't like walking out into the sunshine. It hurts. Seeing flowers, it hurts. Continuing, it hurts. Not the mere essence of continuining but purely the utter pointlessness. I'm very rational in the sense of, if something is there, you get rid of it. Pain? You end the pain. You feel empty? You work on yourself.

I get your point btw, I really do, I just wanted to get my point across. Thats all 

[mtmc01]

Pain is part of the process. It's the fact that our BPD's avoid the pain that makes them so unhealthy.

[HarmKrakow]

I'm $200,000 in debt. I'm not changing fields anytime soon. And it's not so much that I dislike what I do so much as it's not a source of joy or whatnot in my life. It's a job that will set me up for a good life, and that's fine for me. It's the other voids I need to fill. My profession is the least of my worries.

I do think, in a sense, that you should always try, to get some sort of satisfaction out of work. For the simple reason that your average life is 70 or 80 ... . and probably will work 30/40 years. Why go do stuff for such a long time, to enjoy only evenings with the money you earn? Like seriously? Work is the set up for a good life, I agree, that doesn't mean work can't be satisfactory or 'fill voids'. I truly do like the video of Alan Watts perspective on it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLD0P372xxQ&&hd=1&autoplay=1&fs=1

Just for reminders sake :P

[HarmKrakow]

Pain is part of the process. It's the fact that our BPD's avoid the pain that makes them so unhealthy.

We have nothing to do anymore with our BPD's ... . so that should already be out of the equation

[mtmc01]

The field I've chosen allows for 10-12 weeks of vacation, and if I'm smart with my money, I can retire closer to 50. That ain't so bad.

[mtmc01]

Pain is part of the process. It's the fact that our BPD's avoid the pain that makes them so unhealthy.

We have nothing to do anymore with our BPD's ... . so that should already be out of the equation

I disagree. They are the reason we're in the state we're currently in and have to heal. And facing that pain is part of healing.

[HarmKrakow]

Pain is part of the process. It's the fact that our BPD's avoid the pain that makes them so unhealthy.

We have nothing to do anymore with our BPD's ... . so that should already be out of the equation

I disagree. They are the reason we're in the state we're currently in and have to heal. And facing that pain is part of healing.

There is no 'they'. They were ill. There merely pointed out the weaknesses in our character, us as a person. We now identified those problems and can work on them. From that point on wards, there does not have to be any BPD related thing ever in our life.

In regards of career path, I can't give you full advice. I'm in banking and was planning also early retirement, definitely before my 50s.

[mtmc01]

Pain is part of the process. It's the fact that our BPD's avoid the pain that makes them so unhealthy.

We have nothing to do anymore with our BPD's ... . so that should already be out of the equation

I disagree. They are the reason we're in the state we're currently in and have to heal. And facing that pain is part of healing.

There is no 'they'. They were ill. There merely pointed out the weaknesses in our character, us as a person. We now identified those problems and can work on them. From that point on wards, there does not have to be any BPD related thing ever in our life.

In regards of career path, I can't give you full advice. I'm in banking and was planning also early retirement, definitely before my 50s.

I agree with that, eventually. BUT, we are posting on bpdfamily.com. So we have not reached that point yet.