How do I go NC (with the least amount of drama)?

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Hello everyone.  I'm new here.  I was with my BPDEXGF for about 15 months.  I ended things for good three weeks ago.  Initially I wanted very much to stay in contact and remain friends, because while our relationship was broken beyond repair, I still care about her very much and thought we could salvage a friendship.  At first I had a pretty good plan that I stuck to:  Anytime she texted me with any inflammatory or baiting comments I wouldn't respond.  If she went back to normal conversation I would pick up from there, but I wouldn't engage her when she wanted to fight or make me feel bad.

Unfortunately, she found my trigger.  Suicide threats.  After having one of my best friends attempt suicide (and come very very close to succeeding) a few years ago, I know that those threats aren't to be taken lightly.  At first I contacted her family, whom she has been staying with since I made her move out, to try and have them get her help and make them aware that she was suicidal.  They did nothing.  My gut instinct, along with a year spent learning how she operates, tells me that those threats are entirely a way to get my attention and keep me under her control by forcing me to save her.  Lately she's been telling me that she's just gonna start sleeping in her car so she doesn't have to stay at her mom's (it's not an ideal situation) and then having the audacity to get angry with me for not inviting her to stay with me until she gets a place.  This is after a year of living with me rent-free while she was "looking for job."

Last night we had a fight via text about that very topic.  I wasn't particularly nice, but I wasn't purposely mean either.  I just didn't sugar-coat all my reasons for not wanting her staying with me.  I told her I felt like she'd used me and now felt entitled to my help.  I told her either she learns to stand on her own or we stop being friends, because I'm not her knight in shining armor and she's the one that she needs saving from in the first place.  I refuse to save her from herself.  I refuse to help her out of terrible situations that she put herself in in the first place.  She got angry, said some very hurtful things, and I haven't responded.

I want to go NC.  I'm tired of the head-games and the frustration and anger.  Mostly, I'm tired of her constant guilt-trips and insane accusations of things that didn't happen and denial of things that did.   Since at no point last night did either of us say that we were ending contact, what's the best way to do that?  My current plan (I'm new to this, so help me out if this is the wrong thing to do) is to not contact her at all.  When she contacts me then I'll tell her that I don't think we're good for each other, even as friends, and though I love her dearly I need end contact completely so that we can heal. 

Is that the right thing to do?  Should I just go NC without an explanation?  Should I tell her I'm going NC without waiting for her to contact me first?  Anyone been through this that can offer up some nuggets of wisdom? 

[causticdork]

Hello everyone.  I'm new here.  I was with my BPDEXGF for about 15 months.  I ended things for good three weeks ago.  Initially I wanted very much to stay in contact and remain friends, because while our relationship was broken beyond repair, I still care about her very much and thought we could salvage a friendship.  At first I had a pretty good plan that I stuck to:  Anytime she texted me with any inflammatory or baiting comments I wouldn't respond.  If she went back to normal conversation I would pick up from there, but I wouldn't engage her when she wanted to fight or make me feel bad.

Unfortunately, she found my trigger.  Suicide threats.  After having one of my best friends attempt suicide (and come very very close to succeeding) a few years ago, I know that those threats aren't to be taken lightly.  At first I contacted her family, whom she has been staying with since I made her move out, to try and have them get her help and make them aware that she was suicidal.  They did nothing.  My gut instinct, along with a year spent learning how she operates, tells me that those threats are entirely a way to get my attention and keep me under her control by forcing me to save her.  Lately she's been telling me that she's just gonna start sleeping in her car so she doesn't have to stay at her mom's (it's not an ideal situation) and then having the audacity to get angry with me for not inviting her to stay with me until she gets a place.  This is after a year of living with me rent-free while she was "looking for job."

Last night we had a fight via text about that very topic.  I wasn't particularly nice, but I wasn't purposely mean either.  I just didn't sugar-coat all my reasons for not wanting her staying with me.  I told her I felt like she'd used me and now felt entitled to my help.  I told her either she learns to stand on her own or we stop being friends, because I'm not her knight in shining armor and she's the one that she needs saving from in the first place.  I refuse to save her from herself.  I refuse to help her out of terrible situations that she put herself in in the first place.  She got angry, said some very hurtful things, and I haven't responded.

I want to go NC.  I'm tired of the head-games and the frustration and anger.  Mostly, I'm tired of her constant guilt-trips and insane accusations of things that didn't happen and denial of things that did.   Since at no point last night did either of us say that we were ending contact, what's the best way to do that?  My current plan (I'm new to this, so help me out if this is the wrong thing to do) is to not contact her at all.  When she contacts me then I'll tell her that I don't think we're good for each other, even as friends, and though I love her dearly I need end contact completely so that we can heal. 

Is that the right thing to do?  Should I just go NC without an explanation?  Should I tell her I'm going NC without waiting for her to contact me first?  Anyone been through this that can offer up some nuggets of wisdom? 

[syz]

There really is no magic bullet whether you announce your intentions or just follow through with them.  Either way the best thing you can do is block any avenue of communication for good.  Facebook, email (send it to spam) and definitely block her number from your phone.  The texting is the most insidious if you ask me.  I have an iphone which doesn't make blocking easy.  Droids have this feature in the phone.  I had to find a line on my carriers website that allowed me to punch in the phone number and will have to do it again in 3 months time. 

However if she does threaten suicide again I would gather evidence of the threats and seriously consider calling EMS and possibly they will put her into a 72 hour hold for observation.  Either she never pulls that ___ again because of having cops and ambulances show up or she actually gets the 72 hour hold and maybe someone diagnoses her.  I firmly believe in calling people on their bluff. 

[hithere]

I want to go NC.  I'm tired of the head-games and the frustration and anger.

If this is really how you feel then:

is to not contact her at all.

Good idea.

When she contacts me then I'll tell her that I don't think we're good for each other, even as friends, and though I love her dearly I need end contact completely so that we can heal. 

I think this is a bad idea, it sounds like you want her back and gives her too much info to twist around against you.

[causticdork]

Hmmm... .   That actually makes sense.  I think I keep trying to let her down easy, and it's stretching this out and making it worse.  If I tell her that I can't keep in contact with her, but avoid any further explanation, is that a little more okay?  I don't know if I have it in me to start ignoring someone with no explanation, but I'll try if that's the best way to break away from the situation.

I will absolutely call EMS if she threatens suicide again.  The last time the only reason I didn't was because she was out driving around and wouldn't tell me where she was.  Just kept telling me goodbye and saying that I could throw all her stuff away and make sure her mom got her car when they found it.  Absolute nonsense, but since I didn't know where to even send an ambulance I just forwarded her comments on to her mom and hoped she'd actually get her some help this time.   

[hithere]

is that a little more okay?

There is no right or wrong when it comes to NC, everyone is different and my personal experience was pretty chaotic, I held NC for up to 2 weeks at a time when I moved out but I kept breaking down.  I ended up dating her for a few months before she met someone new... .   so there is no perfect situation, you just do what is best for you and if you mess up then you just start again the next day.

One of the challenges I think you will encounter, based on what you say is you still feel some FOG, especially the O and the G (obligation and guilt), also I think you may be looking for closure and unfortunately a person with BPD can never really give that to you.

good luck

[causticdork]

I gave up on closure a long time ago.  Guilt is an issue, but it's getting better and I'm almost completely past it.  Obligation is where I'm struggling.  I know that this isn't my responsibility.  I didn't make her sick.  Having me around didn't make her better.  Yet still I feel obligated to try and help.

[hithere]

I felt the same way.  I found a therapist, took her to the appointment, paid for it... .   all after leaving the home.  I agreed to keep helping her but she quit after one session.  Your chances of helping her in any way from outside the relationship is zero... .   I think you would cause way more negative issues.

good luck and don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes it just takes time to come to your own person right conclusions.

[Sunshinegirl3275]

I know exactly how you feel. My BF pulled a gun on himself when I tried to leave. I took him seriously and called 911. The SWAT team came and for 45 agonizing minutes I didn't know if he was alive or dead inside the house. He ended up hiding the gun and making me look crazy with the police - told them he kicked me out. It was surreal.

I felt so obligated and guilty too. I tried to get him help and he almost sucked me back in again. That's when I knew NC meant cutting all ties for my own sanity and well being. I would be lying if I told you it was easy. He was a charming, very loving man that can talk his way through anything.

He quickly found a new girl, and in hindsight I was wrong to worry about him so much.

Don't let her fool you, she probably has strong survival instincts. It's all a game of manipulation because she knows you are a good man inside.

The thing about NC that is so very important --- it will help YOU tremendously. It will give you time to clear your head. In a couple of months you will be in a much better place to stand back and see all the madness for what it really was. Listen to the song by Muse called Madness - to give you some perspective .

Do what you say and mean it - it will heal your psyche and force her to move on.  I'm pulling for you!

[seeking balance]

As stated, suicide threats are non-negotiable, call in the professionals. 

Fundamentally, you can try to have a conversation - something along the lines of "I need some space to heal, etc", but likely you pwBPD will make it turn into a very dramatic NC.   That is ok, just know it going in.  Eventually, you will be the "bad" one - that is just the black/white thinking of the BPD brain.

Try to stay calm and honestly NC is the best way to get over this.  You have become a trigger for them and they are actually a trigger for you now.  Time will dilute the intensity.

Peace,

SB

[causticdork]

Well, she texted me.  Here's the conversation:

Her: I'm not going to ask you for a f***ing thing ever again. You're a terrible friend.

Me: Okay, I guess we're done then. Goodbye.

Her: You would drop me from your life just like that?

Me: What do you care?  I'm a terrible friend.

Her: And rather than get to the bottom of why I think that you shrug and throw in the towel.

Her: I guess there's no use in beating a dead horse.

Her: I don't know who I'm kidding. We're never going to rekindle things. And I don't even think I want to after this. And we can't try to be just friends because there's too much anger and hurt.

Her: Maybe I should throw in the towel too.


I haven't responded to that last handful of texts.  I'm just trying to decide if I want to say something simple like, "I agree. Sorry things went this way, but it's for the best."  Or just leave it like this and not respond again.   I've never had an ex fight this hard to hold on after a break-up.  It's weird.  She didn't fight like this to keep me when we were together.

[seeking balance]

At the end of the day - what is it that you want?

You already know this is not going to be a normal breakup or a normal friendship - are you willing to do all the work necessary to learn how to maintain a friendship that will not hurt you both or are you ready to let go?

Hear me now - no matter what you text, you will not get a response that changes any of the facts right now... .   so again, what is it that you really want?  more of the same?

[causticdork]

Ideally?  I want her to go to therapy and get help and learn how to be happy and have healthy relationships with other people so that someday I can hear from her that she's genuinely okay now.  I don't see myself being a regular part of her life.  I don't want to have regular contact or be the person she calls when she needs help.  I guess I want her out of my life, but I also care about her deeply and want to know that she's okay eventually, even though I can't help make her okay.

Does that make any sense?

[charred]

Doubt that is the last conversation... . my exBPDgf had one like that, and I went NC, and all told I think she sent about 650 messages (between emails, txts, voice mails)... . persistent.

Letting her down easy ... . the idea is good, but it doesn't in my experience work well with a pwBPD, if you are not going NC, then bore her, bore her terribly, make it excruciatingly boring to talk to you, be with you, whatever... . I watched a show on the "The Shovel"... . and was negative about doing anything fun, preferring boring stuff. Boring her didn't 100% stop it, but it achieved letter her down easy... .   she went to painting me black ... . about how boring I was, and moved on... . once in a great while she will kick off a text still (been a year, got one last week.)

Good luck

[seeking balance]

Ideally?  I want her to go to therapy and get help and learn how to be happy and have healthy relationships with other people so that someday I can hear from her that she's genuinely okay now.  I don't see myself being a regular part of her life.  I don't want to have regular contact or be the person she calls when she needs help.  I guess I want her out of my life, but I also care about her deeply and want to know that she's okay eventually, even though I can't help make her okay.

Does that make any sense?

yeah, it makes sense

what is it you actually have control of though?

have you had a chance to read article 9 yet?  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck... .   this one might apply to you?



9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible

[laelle]

There is no drama in NC... .   its quiet there.  I wish you all the best.