In one of lifes down cycles

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 I'm in a bit of a depressed state at the moment.I know it'll pass eventually,but it's not a good feeling.

I'm still going through divorce.I imagine this is going to be one of the long,drug out,divorces.It's been 6 months since I filed and

we haven't been before the judge yet.My L advised that we needed to wait until the medical deposition to even attempt anything before the judge.

I agree with her.

My life has become my kids.I don't date.I don't go out much,unless it's to a ball game that the kids are playing,or practice.The rational part of me

says this is the right thing to do.The kids need "dad",not "dad and his gf".They've been through alot of changes in the last year.Their mom meanwhile,

is dating and has been dating since she moved out.She's taking better care of herself and dressing nice.I suppose this is to attract another man,

or keep one of the many she's been seeing.While with me,she didn't take care of herself at all.Stayed depressed,curled up in a ball on the couch,raged,

demanded more and more,until I just said "No more".

I think that's bothering me.SHe seems to be to doing well,while I'm focusing on the kids and what's best for them.It hurts my ego a bit to see that

she's taking better care of herself and it's not for me.(tanning,lost weight,let her hair grow long,etc.,,)I know that what I lived with isn't what

I want to go back to.Together,we were roommates basically.I know she has problems.Even my L checked up on her and admitted that she heard she was

"crazy" from people that know her.

I have a decent support network.My co-workers are very supportive of me and I can talk to any of them openly.We're like family.They all assure me

that I'm doing the right thing for the kids.I still have this depression on me though.I think because I feel alone.Just a man trying to raise his kids

to be the best they can be and do the right thing for them.

Right now,life consists of work,kids,and any extra time is spent working on the divorce/custody case.I'm not in the same state I was after I broke it off

with exBPDgf though.It's not the same kind of "hurt".I've been through that and I think it helped prepare me for this.So,for the time being,I let myself

feel my emotions and work through them.It helps.

Gotta go wake the kiddos for school now.If anyone's been through this,feel free to share.

[marbleloser]

 I'm in a bit of a depressed state at the moment.I know it'll pass eventually,but it's not a good feeling.

I'm still going through divorce.I imagine this is going to be one of the long,drug out,divorces.It's been 6 months since I filed and

we haven't been before the judge yet.My L advised that we needed to wait until the medical deposition to even attempt anything before the judge.

I agree with her.

My life has become my kids.I don't date.I don't go out much,unless it's to a ball game that the kids are playing,or practice.The rational part of me

says this is the right thing to do.The kids need "dad",not "dad and his gf".They've been through alot of changes in the last year.Their mom meanwhile,

is dating and has been dating since she moved out.She's taking better care of herself and dressing nice.I suppose this is to attract another man,

or keep one of the many she's been seeing.While with me,she didn't take care of herself at all.Stayed depressed,curled up in a ball on the couch,raged,

demanded more and more,until I just said "No more".

I think that's bothering me.SHe seems to be to doing well,while I'm focusing on the kids and what's best for them.It hurts my ego a bit to see that

she's taking better care of herself and it's not for me.(tanning,lost weight,let her hair grow long,etc.,,)I know that what I lived with isn't what

I want to go back to.Together,we were roommates basically.I know she has problems.Even my L checked up on her and admitted that she heard she was

"crazy" from people that know her.

I have a decent support network.My co-workers are very supportive of me and I can talk to any of them openly.We're like family.They all assure me

that I'm doing the right thing for the kids.I still have this depression on me though.I think because I feel alone.Just a man trying to raise his kids

to be the best they can be and do the right thing for them.

Right now,life consists of work,kids,and any extra time is spent working on the divorce/custody case.I'm not in the same state I was after I broke it off

with exBPDgf though.It's not the same kind of "hurt".I've been through that and I think it helped prepare me for this.So,for the time being,I let myself

feel my emotions and work through them.It helps.

Gotta go wake the kiddos for school now.If anyone's been through this,feel free to share.

[Want2know]

What is it that you'd prefer to be doing that you aren't doing now?

[marbleloser]

I'd like to be going out more often.Dating possibly.I was doing that this time last year,but it came at a price.The kids suffered because of it.On the positive side,they enjoy being with me and we do alot together.It's helped them to have a stable place to relax.

[Want2know]

I'd like to be going out more often.Dating possibly.I was doing that this time last year,but it came at a price.The kids suffered because of it.On the positive side,they enjoy being with me and we do alot together.It's helped them to have a stable place to relax.

It's good that your children are the priority.   

I don't have kids, so bear with me... .   what makes it difficult to date right now?

[Rose Tiger]

   I have a suggestion.  If there are any Calvary Chapels near you, they have great classes for kids.  It might not be a bad thing for them to learn that they are important and that there is a God that loves them.  You might enjoy it, too.  It might help you to feel encouraged and loved. 

[marbleloser]

I don't think it would be fair to the kids or to someone else.I'm in a high conflict divorce,so bringing someone else into that wouldn't be appropriate.In the parenting forum,I read all of the stories about what these women have to deal with with their SO ex's.Mine would be the same.These women deal with so much.

I also feel like the kids would be lacking the attention they need right now.I have them in T and that's helping them.She's been wonderful working with them.

I'm also not sure how the courts would look at it.I don't think it's going to be a problem for the X in court,but I'm not sure how it'll look for me,trying to get custody,and having a SO also.That's something that's worked to my advantage.While she was entertaining bf's,I was building my case,spending time with the kids,and have been focused on the divorce.The judge in this case is by the book,straight as an arrow,and fair.

[marbleloser]

Thank you Rose.  The kiddos go to church regularly.I stopped going because the X told me that was her church and I wasn't welcome there.Then she started going to a different church,but as of now,I hear she's planning on going back to the one we both attended.

She flips from church to church. I have good friends that attend that church.My best friend leads the adult class.He knows what's going on and told me I'm welcome any time.

[seeking balance]

I don't think it would be fair to the kids or to someone else.I'm in a high conflict divorce,so bringing someone else into that wouldn't be appropriate.In the parenting forum,I read all of the stories about what these women have to deal with with their SO ex's.Mine would be the same.These women deal with so much.

I also feel like the kids would be lacking the attention they need right now.I have them in T and that's helping them.She's been wonderful working with them.

I'm also not sure how the courts would look at it.I don't think it's going to be a problem for the X in court,but I'm not sure how it'll look for me,trying to get custody,and having a SO also.That's something that's worked to my advantage.While she was entertaining bf's,I was building my case,spending time with the kids,and have been focused on the divorce.The judge in this case is by the book,straight as an arrow,and fair.

Acting like a wise adult is not always fun - but you are doing the best for the best outcomes.

I didn't date going through a high-conflict divorce, not because of kids - simply I didn't think I was at my best or at my best judgement.

I know that loneliness you feel - it doesn't go away, but it does dissipate.    We are creatures that like having a partner, kids & friends are great, but once we have had a partner, there is a bit of presence missing.

That said, give it time - the divorce will be over and you will date again - it will happen.

I called the phase you are in my "Being ok with boredom".

Peace,

SB

[marbleloser]

Thank you SB.

I'm feeling a bit better.I had lunch with the kids at school today and all of these little kids came up to me with hugs when I went into the lunchroom.Even one of my kids teachers put her arm around me as we were joking.I needed that.I needed to get out someplace different.It also helped that even though the X works there,these people don't see me as a threat.I always feel uncomfortable going there,but once I'm there,everyone welcomes me and it goes away.

[maria1]

Hi Marbleloser

I'm so sorry things are tough right now. Sounds like you need something for you and you aren't getting that. It's fantastic that you are putting your children's needs first but I do understand how draining and lonely that can feel.

Now might not be the time but I actually believe there is a different way to date and that is to keep the kids out of it altogether. There seems to be an automatic assumption that we will introduce our kids to the people we are dating after a while, usually somewhere in the idealisation phase (3-6 months). Why do we feel the need to do this?

My kids have seen too many of my boyfriends come and go. They have a father who isn't particularly engaged with them at times (alcohol is an issue) and they attach to my boyfriends because I pick nice guys who pay them attention. Then when we split up they have to go through another loss. I see this happen all around me to friends.

So no more doing that for me. The temptation is huge because it is SO lovely to play happy families but I think that comes from my selfish need. My kids are so much better over the last 10 months for having me consistently. I have dated some people and they know that. I have told them I won't bring people into their lives for a very long time because they are more important than anybody. The other positive is there is no confusion once in a relationship over whether that r/s is good for me/him because I don't have to take my children's needs into account.

So I get to date and they get me consistently. Everybody wins.

Sorry if I've gone on about me there- I just want to illustrate that there might be a way for you to date and still be there for your kids just as much. 

[marbleloser]

Thank you maria.I may try that.Just date casually without any expectation or introductions,FOR A LONG TIME.

If I dated my L,I wonder if she'd give me discount?

[maria1]

Worth a try? 

And yes actually, dating without expectations for a long time is seriously the way forward for me! I was surprised to find myself quite relieved when I didn't like the guy I thought I might like on my date last night (if that makes any sense)!

[Rose Tiger]

Thank you Rose.  The kiddos go to church regularly.I stopped going because the X told me that was her church and I wasn't welcome there.Then she started going to a different church,but as of now,I hear she's planning on going back to the one we both attended.

She flips from church to church. I have good friends that attend that church.My best friend leads the adult class.He knows what's going on and told me I'm welcome any time.

To heck with that, nobody owns a church.    Telling someone to stay away from 'their' church... .   I can't wrap my brain around that.  Unless you sit behind her and fling spitballs at her, then you shouldn't go.

[marbleloser]

LOL! Now you've given me a reason to go! 

[WalrusGumboot]

From my separation to my finalized divorce, it was 14 months. It was easily the low point in my life. I chose to not date during that time for several reasons. First, I did not want to give my ex ANY ammunition that could be used against me, in court or personally. Secondly, our children were already grown and didn't want them to entertain the thought that another woman or women was behind me filing.

Your depressed state will come and go as it did with me. It is OK to feel that way... .   you are going through one of the most stressful things a person can experience. I believe we must mourn the end of a relationship like we do a loss of a loved one. It is the only way to get closure, based on my past experience with relationships.

Hang in there. It sounds like you have your priorities straight!

[marbleloser]

Thank you WG! It is very stressful.And yes,I'm mourning the RS as well.I didn't/don't miss her and all the problems we had,but I miss "family",if that makes sense.

[Rose Tiger]

Hey MB,  if going to 'her' church is uncomfortable, I still highly recommend Calvary Chapel.  Verse by verse bible study services, really interesting.  Plus you get to wear jeans!    God sets the lonely in families, I'm clinging to that promise. 

[marbleloser]

I'll see if there's a Calvary Chapel nearby.If I can wear jeans and boots,I'm in!

Thank you RT!

[Rose Tiger]

Boots are ok, too.  I like that no one bothers me, I mean they welcome you but no one jumps on you to join the church or anything like that.  Casual. 

[livednlearned]

I felt the same way -- didn't want to bring anyone into my high-conflict nutty life, and didn't want to bring anyone into my son's life after everything he had gone through. For 2 years I turned down invitations to date, and was settling into solo life when I met someone out walking his dog.

He asked me out, and I told him sure. It was easy to explain why I had such limited time to go out with people (I have S11 96% of the time), but new guy was willing to hang around for me even tho I wasn't super available. While it's a bit awkward, we manage to find enough time to be together without involving my son.

I've told my son that new guy exists, but also said that I am going to take a long time to get to know him before I decide to introduce them.

So far, it's been this surprisingly sweet arrangement.

You might find something similar, when you're ready. Strange and wonderful things do happen