Struggling To Process Emotionally

[invisiblelight88]

I'm an adult with a uBPD mum and enabling Dad. I had a breakthrough about 2 months ago when Dad tried to manipulate me (yet again) into 'playing nice' with Mum by presenting her with a lavish birthday gift and apologising to her for 'whatever I've done wrong.' Mum has been giving me the silent treatment for several months now and refuses to contact me (I live in a different country). Dad is always her good foot-soldier, manipulating behind the scenes to smooth her path through life so he can dodge her punishments.  This has been a pattern for my whole life.

I am in therapy now, the therapist suggested Mum might have BPD/NPD traits. After researching it, I now have a name and have been putting the pieces together logically. It's quite like a puzzle and I feel amazed that I have finally gotten insight into the behaviours and family dynamic.

The problem is, I can't feel any emotional relief. I was never allowed to have emotions as a child, and on the rare occasions I did express them, or couldn't control myself, there was hell to pay. Anger was particularly taboo. I was expected to be the best behaved child, seen and not heard, and was ruled by shame and fear of Mum's punishments.

So I'm finding comfort in my logical aha! moments or relating to others with the same experience of having a BPD mum, but when the therapist talks about parenting myself or grieving or getting in touch with my inner child, I am lost. I'm afraid my inner child has run away to greener pastures! The therapist has said to give it time, but I just cannot seem to process the emotions.  I'm using all head, no heart, and I feel intuitively that I cannot move forward properly without working on resolving feelings. Anyone else with the same issue?

[GeekyGirl]

Our stories are very similar, invisiblelight. I could have written the first paragraph of your post myself. 

Do you feel like you can't express your emotions now without retaliation from your mother or does something else come to mind when you're working with your therapist? It's easy to understand the "logical" part of your mother's behavior and know intellectually what has happened, but you're right--it is hard to really dive into the emotions that come with what you're dealing with.

[invisiblelight88]

Thank you, GG!

I definitely know I can't express my emotions without retaliation from mum, so I don't for fear they will be used against me later. Then she calls me "ice queen."   

I sometimes have a fleeting thought that I don't 'deserve' to have feelings, that only powerful people are allowed to feel. Growing up, only Mum could have feelings. Dad sometimes blew up and they had rows, but he let me know that his anger/emotion was a moment of 'weakness.' As the child, I was not allowed to be angry/sad over ANYTHING. Any visible negative emotion on my part would be cause for punishment.

Since I've learnt to stuff down emotions, it's hard for me to identify how I'm feeling in any given situation. I have a vague idea of angry, sad, etc. but I can't really define my own feelings well. I married a man who is also quite emotionless, so I don't get any practice there either! (But at least he's not the male version of Mum!) 

If a friend told me how their mum shamed them, gave them the silent treatment, etc. I could feel some righteous anger and sympathy on their behalf, yet I cannot feel it for myself (even though I have experienced those things). On an intellectual basis, I know I suffered due to mum's disorder. But I feel nothing inside when I reflect on those times, like a total void of emotion.

[chriskell]

Yes, I have struggled with exactly the same issue. I believe that I was too busy as a child making sure my uBPDm was emotionally okay to ever pay attention to my own emotions. I was also expected to show the same emotional reactions to events as she did. So, I think I just shut off my emotions, and you may have also. I also believe some people are just more logical thinkers than emotional thinkers. Through therapy and practice, I have learned to allow myself to feel emotional. However, I have also embraced my rational, logical way of thinking also because this can be a gift for a child of a BPD parent. I just have to be careful to validate my emotions also.  I wish you well with this.

[GeekyGirl]

I know what you mean when you say that you weren't allowed to have angry or sad feelings while you were growing up. This may not make a lot of sense to someone who didn't grow up with a parent with BPD, but many of us have had to learn how to express our feelings as adults.

Do you have some sort of outlet to help you draw your feelings out and get that relief you're looking for? You'll find some artists, poets, and musicians here. Exercise is great too--you'll find members that run, work out and do yoga too. Just finding a way that you can feel comfortable expressing emotion or working off emotional energy can help develop the ways of really expressing who you really are. 

[invisiblelight88]

Yes, I need to find a safe and creative way to try and connect with my emotions. I'm probably not much for the artistic pursuits but may try to get some exercise and/or yoga. And who knows, I may lose a few pounds and firm up my wobbly bits in the process! 

[isshebpd]

I used to hate walking long distances because I'd get irritated with my own thoughts. Now, since I started confronting certain realities, I have so much I want to process that long walks are very enjoyable. Cycling works well for me too. Just being out in public is important for me these days.

[GeekyGirl]

Yes, I need to find a safe and creative way to try and connect with my emotions. I'm probably not much for the artistic pursuits but may try to get some exercise and/or yoga. And who knows, I may lose a few pounds and firm up my wobbly bits in the process! 

It may take a little courage, but when you do find something that really resonates with you, it won't seem like work. It might also help to take a friend along; when I started doing yoga, I went with a friend. It made it a lot easier to keep going (because I didn't want to let her down) and we found many opportunities to laugh in the class... .   let's just say that my balance has come a long way in the 7 years I've been doing yoga.